While at our highly important beer conference this past weekend, conversation struck up between myself and fellow guy Rick Snee. While talking of Japanese culture (seriously? tentacles?) and other absurd oxymorons in society, we eventually made our way to the concept of genitalia. We remarked to each other about the oddness that Japan will have a woman copulate with a [editor’s note: you don’t want to know] on camera, but you better blur those naughty bits … or else.
Wait, huh? What are they, scared of the hoo-hoo?
That’s when we realized what they’re clearly scared of: the age old concept of vagina dentata. I mean, when you think about it, it makes perfect sense. Fear the va-jay-jay. If we blur and mosaic it, then we can pretend that it’s not there, and thus, can’t be bitten by the fangs of a geisha’s stink crevice.
Or maybe their culture has been aware of the movie Teeth a lot longer than anyone else has. Why don’t you hit the jump and discover the film for yourself? Warning: I will (or at least try to) say the word vagina a fair amount in this article. Because, y’know, I actually have a fairly good reason to do so.
Teeth is the story of Dawn, a high-schooler who strictly adheres to her vow of abstinence (she is one of the leaders of Promise, her school’s teen chastity group). That works out well too, since she is literally the living representation of vagina dentata. In other words, what goes in, doesn’t come out. But all bets are off when she meets Tobey though, as he seems like the perfect boy for her. They begin to see each other and during one date, he rapes Dawn, and has his penis cut off in the process. He dies from the large wound which makes Dawn very guilty, so she sets about to find out what is wrong with her. If you guessed that what’s wrong with her is her monster vagina (not in that way, gutter-mind), then you win! What starts off as a story about a relatively normal prude teenager eventually morphs into a full blown femme-fatale tale.
This film is writer/director Mitchell Lichtenstein’s debut feature film and he shows some real promise to be a prominent horror director in the future. He smartly uses the bizarre concept to explore female empowerment and centuries old sexual mores. This sometimes leads the story off track, branching off into other paths that really aren’t needed to continue with the main theme. It is also tough to categorize this film as horror; you’re not scared about what will happen next (very little buildup) but you’ll cringe when you think about what body parts you will see next turned into a bloody stump. Some of the characters are written a little too one-dimensional as well, which is unfortunate but for such a small film not very surprising.
Is the film a masterpiece? No. The biggest problem with the movie is that it’s one note in concept. It’s a feminist movie, and while there’s nothing at all wrong with that, for every male character in the movie to have the conceptual role of a rapist in training that has no clear idea what they’re doing isn’t the strongest of ideas. As such, the sheer fact that they’re so clearly made one-dimensional so that we’ll give our heroine plenty of sympathy feels forced at best and headbutted constantly into us at worst. Yes, we all know that men want to stick their pee-sticks into the vaginas of women-but all men? Really?
Still, it could be worse. Jess Weixler is stellar in the lead role. She takes on such a potentially dicey project, but manages to do so with real heart, humor and sincerity. With the exact same screenplay and a lesser actress, Teeth could have been cheesy, stupid camp all the way.
Teeth is an interesting, if not at times funny, little horror film that doesn’t try to do too much. Instead of plodding along, following the typical horror template, it tries to take the viewer on a very unique ride. It works most of the time but sometimes it gets caught up in itself a little too much. And except for a few actors, this small-scale, indie flick has got some decent acting and direction to be proud of. Check it out if you think you can handle the subject matter, as I think you’ll find a surprisingly good movie under all the darker themes and messages. Just keep in mind, it’s not exactly for faint of heart or limp of penis. Coincidentally enough, it may not be for the erect of penis either.