MasterChugs Theater: The Value of an Education

Some coworkers of mine and I get together every so often to have Bad Movie Night (henceforth known as BMN), an idea I first heard from Chris Taber some time ago on the Crankcast. To me, it’s a glorious concept: get some friends together, pop on some bad movies, crack open some beers and let rip on the film. Keep in mind that you won’t be watching The Godfather on BMN, but you just might watch The Godfather III. As long as the movie’s not one of those you’d find in the March Mort or Awful April categories, it can still be fun enough. And hey, you get to introduce people to movies they may not have seen!

How can it go wrong?

It can. Oh, it can.

The most recent BMN saw my friends and I take part in one of the most repugnant movie series ever, that of The Fast and The Furious. It’s not a pretty series and worse than that, we subjected ourselves to the ugliest of the movies: the even ones. For the nerds out there, the even movies of The Fast and The Furious are the opposite of the even movies of the Star Trek series, i.e, they’re horrible.

For those that need a hint, we watched Fast and Furious (the fourth movie) and 2 Fast 2 Furious (the movie so street it doesn’t give a damn about your grammar). Here are some thoughts that my friends and I came up with while watching the two movies.

Fast and Furious

-Won’t the police be on the lookout of your relative’s house for you? Vin Diesel responds with “They won’t.” Oh. Well then. I’m glad to see that’s taken care of. Next order of business please.
-Only one person in the entire town uses that type of bullet, and not only can Vin Diesel figure out what the bullet type is, but he knows who it is? Of course!
-Does the FBI really have a street racing division? Is the federal government actually giving money from taxpayers for this?
-It’s impossible to open the doors of the mountain tunnel after they close? Really? REALLY?
-For this matter, how long did it take them to tunnel through a big-ass mountain?

2 Fast 2 Furious

-Despite accruing approximately 70 some thousand dollars worth in damages and lost money, Devon Aoki’s character still seems to be wonderfully happy that she came in second place and not first. We can only assume that “Smack that ass!” is an affirmation for the lass and not a request.
-John Singleton is a fantastic director. Despite this, somehow the man was happy with the acting of Paul Walker. Paul Walker’s range of emotion ranks a negative 5 and is displayed by him turning and cocking his head from side to side. AND NO ONE THOUGHT THAT THEY SHOULD GET A SECOND TAKE WHEN WALKER’S ON SCREEN? THEY ACTUALLY THOUGHT “YEP, THIS WILL DO”?
-The defining trait for Tyrese’s character is to ape Brad Pitt’s character from Ocean’s 11 and constantly be eating. ARGH.
-For the past week (almost), I’ve been repeating over and over “I know this!”
-If you pay close attention to the scene where Roman delivers the hilariously witty line of “Good one, Fonzi,” in the back is an extra. While everyone else (a group of seasoned drivers that pilot souped up cars) is laughing at Roman’s line, he’s standing there like a He-Man figure. So there’s that.
-I’m not very familiar with the dress code for a government organization like the Department of Customs, but yeah, I’m sure what Eva Mendes wears would be acceptable.

I learned something while watching the movies: 2 Fast 2 Furious literally needs beer in order to watch it. I do the dirty work so that you don’t have to. Regardless, both of these movies were very difficult to get through, but at least these are the really bad ones. When Fast Five comes out on dvd, my friends and I have already planned to marathon the other it and the other two movies. Clearly we’re masochists.