Monumental erectile dysfunction

You guys! I know we’re supposed to seriously stop trying to make the Virginia earthquake a disaster, but we’ve just gotten word that the tremors have damaged the nation’s First Erection.

The Washington Monument and surrounding 100 feet will be closed to visitors indefinitely until repairs can be made. This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to it since workers wrapped scaffolding around it and we had to pretend it wasn’t a dick splint.