Ozone gets more Os

The power is yours to bring this meeting to a swift end. Now, who’s resumed emitting CFCs? Do we really want more Captain Planet?

Alright, everyone. You’re probably wondering why we gathered all 197 signers of the Montreal Protocol here, today, on this comedy blog.

Look, ladies and fellas, we all agreed to stop emitting chlorofluorocarbons back in 1987 to stop Ted Turner’s production of further episodes of Captain Planet. And yet somehow, we suddenly have an uptick in measurable CFC11, which, as we all know, is the second most common CFC that destroys our ozone layer.

So, let’s apply the conditions of what may very well be written into the protocol to suss this out.

“Para. 24, Item a. The party who smelt it dealt it.” Do we really believe that study lead author Stephen Montzka, a research chemist at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration is responsible for it? Sure, ozone woes (woezones?) are good for NOAA business, but since when did ol’ Steph get into the plastics and/or refrigeration industry?

“Para. 93, Subpara. 2, Item f. The party who denied supplied it.” I see a lot of representatives here not fessing up–China, Koreas, Mongolia–which is technically denial by omission. And denial of omission of emissions is explicitly the kind of thing that made Montreal write this protocol in steak salt and poutine gravy in the first place.

“Section 31, Bullet 12. The party who deduced it produced it.” Oh, no. We’re not shifting the blame onto The Guys to stymie this meeting and move on to the bacon bar buffet. Everyone knows that SeriouslyGuys phased out CFCs in our jokes back in 2014 once we realized that nobody remembers the ozone layer anymore.

So, anybody have anything to say for themselves? Anybody at all? Alright. Caterers, please extinguish the Sterno from the bacon bar.

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