Who says American kids can’t learn?

They’ve already figured out how to shirk responsibility like their parents.

Native-born American students have once again been trounced by their immigrant counterparts in the classroom. The foreign students say grades are accomplished by “studying harder.” The Americans say “better teaching.”

Probably the worst part of this survey is the “no duh” factor. I’m a student still. Of course I’m lazy and will gladly blame anyone else.

After all, isn’t that the American way?

Caveat lobster

It would appear that France has discovered something furry other than the legs of their native female inhabitants.

A new species of crustacean has appeared off of the coast of Easter Island. So unique is this creature that it has genus. That’s fairly big for all of you non-biologist type people. Seriously people, the comparison between furry limbed crustaceans and French women with crabs writes itself.

Wonder how it tastes?

And you thought old people sucked hard

Stories like these truly reek hard of bottom of the barrel, low grade zombie movies. I should know-I’m a big fan of them. Unfortunately, I don’t even see it being green-lit by Lion’s Gate Films, or even Artisan Pictures before the buy out. I mean, this screams of a whole new form of social commentary that George Romero couldn’t even think of…….thankfully.

Ambien of the Dead”, anyone?

Choosey coroners choose Jiff money

Until November, only soccer moms shied away from peanut butter since it might kill kids with allergies. Then 15-year-old Christina Desforges’s boyfriend killed her with peanut butter breath, and most likely, over-the-shirt groping. And what geographical location ruined peanut butter for everyone eyeing first base? Quebec, of course.

It’s only fair they screwed up peanut butter; after all, they restored baseball to non-French status by selling the Expos to DC.

Now local coroner, Michael Miron, says peanut butter was not the culprit. However, he will not disclose the new details of Desforges’s death. Perhaps she choked on something else?

The 9,000 year-old question

Ten years ago, the bones of an ancient hunter were found in Washington state by local Umatilla Indians. The bones turned out to be over 9,000 years old. But the question was: was this guy a honky?

It’s been a subject of controversy for the past decade. If he was white, it would turn science’s idea of early Americans on its head. Turns out, no, he wasn’t. He was either Polynesian or from an ethnic group only found now in Japan.

More so, it seems that the guy took quite a beating. His bones displayed several indentations in his skull, a broken and healed rib and arthritis in his right elbow and some vertebrae. Also, he was a smoker. OK, I made that last part up.

This means, when did the first white people come to America? Was it Christopher Columbus, was it Leif Erikson? And that question remains to be answered. But one thing is for certain, they were football fans.

It’s good to be the president?

Paula Jones accused President Bill Clinton of sexual harrassment and defamation of character. The former Arkansas state clerk is suing for $700,000.

We briefly spoke with President Clinton:

SG: Mr. President, did you have sex with Ms. Jones?
BC: No. I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
SG: Whew–we believe you. Man, was she a dog.
BC: I don’t know, she kinda reminded me of Fran Drescher.
SG: Does Ms. Jones sound like her?

This tlog (TV log) is fairly sure that even if President Clinton nailed Paula Jones, he’s learned his lesson and will never abuse his power again … or at least use it to abuse something that’s housebroken.

McDonald’s heralds end of ‘Red Empire’

McDonald’s has struck a deathblow for capitalism in the very heart of Soviet Russia, much more a deathblow than Rocky Balboa’s defeat of Captain Ivan Drago.

The fastfood chain opened its first franchise in Moscow. Inexplicably, the Soviet proles are lining up and spending an alleged “several days’ wages for Big Macs, shakes, and french fries.” This tlog guesses that Quarter Pounders are somewhat tastier than gruel and hardened bread. (Guess what the special sauce is there.)

The Guys predict the USSR will be done for in one year. Remember, you read it here first.