Choosey coroners choose Jiff money

Until November, only soccer moms shied away from peanut butter since it might kill kids with allergies. Then 15-year-old Christina Desforges’s boyfriend killed her with peanut butter breath, and most likely, over-the-shirt groping. And what geographical location ruined peanut butter for everyone eyeing first base? Quebec, of course.

It’s only fair they screwed up peanut butter; after all, they restored baseball to non-French status by selling the Expos to DC.

Now local coroner, Michael Miron, says peanut butter was not the culprit. However, he will not disclose the new details of Desforges’s death. Perhaps she choked on something else?

The 9,000 year-old question

Ten years ago, the bones of an ancient hunter were found in Washington state by local Umatilla Indians. The bones turned out to be over 9,000 years old. But the question was: was this guy a honky?

It’s been a subject of controversy for the past decade. If he was white, it would turn science’s idea of early Americans on its head. Turns out, no, he wasn’t. He was either Polynesian or from an ethnic group only found now in Japan.

More so, it seems that the guy took quite a beating. His bones displayed several indentations in his skull, a broken and healed rib and arthritis in his right elbow and some vertebrae. Also, he was a smoker. OK, I made that last part up.

This means, when did the first white people come to America? Was it Christopher Columbus, was it Leif Erikson? And that question remains to be answered. But one thing is for certain, they were football fans.

It’s good to be the president?

Paula Jones accused President Bill Clinton of sexual harrassment and defamation of character. The former Arkansas state clerk is suing for $700,000.

We briefly spoke with President Clinton:

SG: Mr. President, did you have sex with Ms. Jones?
BC: No. I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
SG: Whew–we believe you. Man, was she a dog.
BC: I don’t know, she kinda reminded me of Fran Drescher.
SG: Does Ms. Jones sound like her?

This tlog (TV log) is fairly sure that even if President Clinton nailed Paula Jones, he’s learned his lesson and will never abuse his power again … or at least use it to abuse something that’s housebroken.

McDonald’s heralds end of ‘Red Empire’

McDonald’s has struck a deathblow for capitalism in the very heart of Soviet Russia, much more a deathblow than Rocky Balboa’s defeat of Captain Ivan Drago.

The fastfood chain opened its first franchise in Moscow. Inexplicably, the Soviet proles are lining up and spending an alleged “several days’ wages for Big Macs, shakes, and french fries.” This tlog guesses that Quarter Pounders are somewhat tastier than gruel and hardened bread. (Guess what the special sauce is there.)

The Guys predict the USSR will be done for in one year. Remember, you read it here first.

DC crack receives Mayor Barry’s stamp of approval

If you haven’t tried crack in DC yet because you’re afraid it might be bad for you, Mayor Marion Barry has demonstrated that it’s safe.

Barry took one for the team with his arrest today after he was caught smoking crack with Rasheeda Moore. Ms. Moore allegedly set Barry up in exchange for leniency in her own crack-related criminal charges.

Quote of the Day:

“The bitch set me up! The bitch set me up!”