| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Fight dementia with beer today

Drinking is good for you. And if you drink, there’s a good chance you’ll remember that fact long into your old age.

According to researchers in China, a chemical in beer helps ward off degenerative diseases. A study found that xanthohumol, a chemical found in hops, might help brain cells from oxidative stress that can lead to dementia. That means that while you may not remember how many beers you had last night, there’s a better chance you’ll remember your grandchildren’s names later in life.

And yet our own Rick Snee doesn’t like hoppy beers. So if he starts posting jokes from 2008, just roll with it.

| Filed under Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: Self-mummification beats self-immolation

It'd be really fun if this was one of those little 6" tall statues you can buy in head shops.
It’d be really fun if this was one of those little 6 inch tall statues you can buy in head shops.

Despite what that guy who stocks the bulk barrels at Whole Foods tells you, Buddhism is freakin’ brutal. From Kung Fu to self-immolation to protest war, Buddhist monks have been on a thousand year, testicle-abusing mission to prove that they are not David Carradine. And now we have a new bar to rate their metalness: self-mummification just so that the other monks have something to worship.

The Internet’s sudden infatuation with a mummy found inside of a Buddha statue allll the way back in 1996 (so pre-Hamster Dance) has raised awareness of self-mummification, a now illegal process in which Buddhist monks crash diet until crunchy.

And it makes sense why we’d be interested. The Buddha Statue Mummy intersects the Internet’s interests in morbid curiosity and a weight loss program that actually works.  Continue reading

| Filed under Economic cliches for $1000, Alex

Capitalism takes the weather by the spurs

Perhaps you live on the East Coast and were subject to the snow that all of us experienced. How crappy was that, hmm? It was probably even worse if you lived in the Northeastern section of the country. New England, I’m hollering at’cha! Having legendary amounts of snow dumped on you puts a damper on everything.

But not if you’re Kyle Waring. Waring has set up an online store where he’ll sell to you “historic Boston snow” in a water bottle. Mind you, you’ll end up getting water in a water bottle,  but hey, it’s about the experience, right?

Well, for a small nominal upcharge of 70 dollars, Kyle can just about guarantee you getting snow rather than water in the mail. Now that’s service!

| Filed under Facepalm

The greatest game ever tanked

Welcome to Murfreesboro, Tenn., home of setting fire to construction equipment used to build a mosque and now the world's most corrupt high school basketball programs!
Welcome to Murfreesboro, Tenn., home of setting fire to construction equipment used to build a mosque and now the world’s most corrupt high school basketball programs!

We thought we saw the pinnacle of women taking dives back in the 2012 Olympics during badminton. We were wrong.

Two girls prep school basketball teams from Murfreesboro, Tenn. — Riverdale, a state champion in 2013, and Smyrna — were caught deliberately trying to out-tank each other for an easier playoff opponent. As each team tried harder and harder to lose, the play got so embarrassing that refs stopped the game after a Smyrna player tried to shoot at her own hoop.

Both teams have been fined $1500 each, which is a lot of car washes and candy bar sales, and placed on probation for one year.

The winners, as always, are the parents and spectators, who will now have one less round of high school basketball to pretend to enjoy.

[Special thanks to Patrick H. for bounce-passing this our way.]

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Your ancestors were killed by gerbils

Humans and animals have been at war through the ages–everyone knows that. But according to a new study, one animal hasn’t killed nearly as many of us as we give it credit for.

Science has long said that rats were the cause of the Black Death, which first struck Europe in the 1300s, and kept coming back for centuries, killing millions of people. But according to a new study, gerbils in Asia are to blame for the plague. Those cute, squeaky vermin you watch crawl around in their little plastic tube mazes? Their ancestors killed some of your ancestors.

According to the study, the summers weren’t hot or dry enough for the cause to be European rats, but conditions were just right for Asian gerbils to get the party started. This is why every single animal, no matter how small or cute, is a threat to our very existence.

| Filed under Eat My Sports

Eat My Sports: Quoth the Raven “someone who has domestic abuse in their background, it’s going to be tough to be considered a Raven”

Ah, yes, the brave new NFL. Where we take domestic abuse seriously, where Ray Rice became the posterboy for the new no-tolerance level the NFL has. This particularly has some special enforcement on the Baltimore Ravens, Rice’s former franchise.

Rice was cut, suspended for the year and run over by the national media after he told the truth about an ugly incident in NJ, then was given double jeopardy by being penalized with the previously mentioned punishments after already being served a two-game punishment.

The quote in the headline is from Ravens’ GM Ozzie Newsome. The man who now has a moral compass when it comes to his football team **COUGH** Ray Lewis **COUGH** Terrell Suggs **COUGH** every Raven arrested during the 2013 season. If Newsome really believes in what he says, the first thing that needs to happen is the release of Terrell Suggs. Continue reading

| Filed under Picture of the Day

Police finally cracking down on Elsa impersonators

The Hanahan Police Department managed to promote Frozen, a local business that hires out princesses for children's parties and breast cancer awareness in one mildly inappropriate photo.
Hey, officer! If it’s soooo cold, maybe you should put some sleeves on rather than take weird bondage fantasy photos with former debutantes in pink handcuffs.

Law enforcement in Hanahan, South Carolina have finally begun cracking down on the latest vermin to infest our malls, parks and other public spaces: creepy chicks dressed as Elsa the Snow Queen from Disney’s Frozen.

Granted, the Hanahan Police Chief did it as a stunt to make people in South Carolina feel better about cold temperatures (and living in South Carolina), but we hope this is only the beginning of a larger national trend.

Ladies, this is all about gender equality. If it’s creepy for a guy to dress up as popular characters so that other people’s kids will hug him, then it’s also weird when women do it, too.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

British women smell, science says

Britain is know for being a charming little island where if you’re a 7 or higher, you’re knighted and put into whatever the U.K. version of Hollywood is. (It’s probably something like Hollywoodfordshire.) But thanks to one study, it’s also the island of unclean women.

According to a study by Flint + Flint, a skincare company that clearly has no vested interest in the outcome, a staggering four out of five women don’t shower daily. Nearly two-thirds of them are so gross they can’t even be bothered to take off their makeup at night. Just imagine what those pillowcases look like. The nastiest finding is that about a third of British women go for up to three days without taking a shower.

Not even an exotic accent can make that seem datable.

| Filed under The McBournie Minute

The McBournie Minute: Ban acceptance speeches

For the past several years, my wife and I have gone to an Oscars viewing party hosted by friends. We all fill our ballots and eat and drink. The hosts are huge into movies, and have usually seen most, if not all, of the movies up for an award–even the foreign ones and animated shorts, which no one ever sees.

It reminds me that I haven’t seen that many movies, which I was already clear about this year. But it also reminds me that the show isn’t really for me, it’s for the cinephiles like them. That’s not necessarily a bad thing in theory. But take into account that ratings really sucked last night, which means we’re watching other things. We’re bored by award shows.

That’s why we need to ban acceptance speeches. Continue reading