| Filed under Copy of the Day, War on Animals

This sounds like a job for Facebook dog-owning tough guys

Did they try lowering a rope within pit bull jumping range?
Did they try lowering a rope within pit bull jumping range?

Your moment has arrived, people who care entirely too much about pit bulls and stranded dogs. The U.S. Coast Guard rescued a woman who fell down a cliff with her two pit bulls, but, as of 7 a.m., have still left one of the pit bulls behind.

G’on, now. Time to throw the metaphorical rock through the windshield that is a cliff separating a pit bull from life and life on a cliff-side.

Bonus quote:

Firefighters tried to initially rescue the woman, but her two dogs were acting aggressive, and rescuers weren’t able to reach her, according to fire officials.

| Filed under War on Animals

Grown-ass women want to be mermaids apparently

And now we turn to Canada, where people want to be fish.

It’s cold up there 11 months out of the year, so it can be a challenge for middle-aged Canadians to find ways to stay fit. In what can only be described as a wave of madness sweeping the country, women are taking a class to swim like mermaids. They slide into some flexible mermaid tails of some kind, and learn how to swim with them.

The imminent threat here is that these people want to be half human and half fish. That would divide their loyalties in the War on Animals. We cannot allow this to happen.

| Filed under Eat My Sports

Eat My Sports: Become what you hate

Any of you that have been reading me for a while know that I am an avid Steelers fan. Like fellow Guy, Bryan McBournie, I understand what it’s like to root for one of the most hated teams in the league, largely because they are successful (but at least the Steelers don’t cheat to win postseason games). However today I heard the news that Pittsburgh had signed one of the most dynamic and hated athletes of all-time, Michael Vick. Continue reading

| Filed under Booze News, War on Animals

No one in Britain is safe from drunken German wasps

Zum Whol!
Zum Wohl!

At this point it just seems absurd that the entire island of Great Britain hasn’t been evacuated.

As if the snail volcanoes and killer seagulls weren’t bad enough, now the Brits are being attacked by drunken wasps. Researchers say a mild winter and spring in the U.K. led to a large number of German wasps this summer. The population boom has meant that worker wasps can’t find work, so instead they go on a bender. They eat a lot of fermented fruit and get drunk, and when they get drunk, they get aggressive.

So basically, the Brits can’t stay outside for long this summer because there are so many wasps swerving their way through the skies looking for a fight. It’s that bad, and we’re still a month away from Oktoberfest.

| Filed under The McBournie Minute

The McBournie Minute: Ashley Madison proves we’re all privacy hypocrites

We live in a future where privacy is not only rare, it’s openly mocked. We trust our personal data to corporations either voluntarily or unknowingly, and then we’re surprised when that information isn’t well-guarded or used responsibly. Getting hacked isn’t a good thing, but now it seems like it’s an eventuality.

That’s why almost everyone has reacted in the wrong way to the Ashley Madison hacking. Last week, hackers released information about tens of millions of the site’s customers. Their names, addresses, credit card numbers, email addresses and more are now out there for the world to see. People’s private information is out there for anyone to misuse.

So why are people so gleeful about it? Continue reading

| Filed under War on Animals

Spiders seize town in Argentina

Proving that they can dominate summer headlines, too, spiders have started taking over towns.

In Argentina, one town has been covered in what locals call the “slime of the devil.” It’s a blanket of spider web that covers a large area and is only growing. Apparently a horde of spiders have descended on the town and are likely controlling it now. And they’re not alone. Spiders in London took over an intersection earlier this month.

This could be the most coordinated assault we’ve ever seen from the eight-legged monsters.

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: Nut bag edition

Change we can believe in.
Change we can believe in.

Hi guys. Some funny things happened this week, didn’t they? We’ll get to that in a minute. First, how about we all back off the Jared Fogle jokes? It seems like everyone’s been making the same jokes about Subway’s slogan or sandwich sizes this week. Even celebrities and comedians who don’t usually write hacky crap. The guy was into some nasty things, and messed some kids up. Maybe we shouldn’t be laughing. That’s all. Now let’s move on to things that we probably should laugh at. If you were busy nearly going to war over pamphlets this week, odds are you missed it.

A candidate for the coveted male vote
The already crowded presidential field added one new face this week when Deez Nuts announced his candidacy. Almost immediately, the candidate was buzzing on social media. He even polled at 9% in North Carolina. Then it was revealed that it was all a joke perpetrated by a 15-year-old boy in Iowa. Nice try, kid, but we’ve already got a fake candidate for president, and his name is Donald Trump.

Bringing sweatshops back to America, finally
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos found himself under a lot of scrutiny when a New York Times article portrayed his company has a toxic place to work, encouraging numbers and stabbing fellow employees in the back. Bezos dismissed the story, saying it was a skewed version of his company and its culture. It’s only a matter of time before a drone reports harsh working conditions.

The Duggar affair
This week, hackers made good on their promise to release customer data from Ashley Madison, the site for married people seeking to have affairs. So far, the most notable member revealed is Josh Duggar, one of the kids of 19 Kids and Counting fame, cult member, alleged sister molester and family values advocate. He confirmed he was a member of the site, but reminded everyone that gays are ruining the institution of marriage.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Robots

Robot cannot hold its lunch down

Robots are becoming smarter all the time. They can learn, they can communicate, and they can even dream. Now, they can vomit.

For centuries, the difference between living things and non-living things was the ability to vomit, we think. Now, it appears we’ve created yet another robot in our own image, and it acts like it’s been out all night drinking. Researchers in North Carolina have made a robot whose sole purpose is to throw up green Jell-O to illustrate that you can spread viruses by vomiting, too.

Great, thanks guys.

| Filed under War on Animals

Spiders are adrenaline junkies, or bad at suicide

What separates mankind from animals are our GoPros.
What separates mankind from animals are our GoPros.

We should be flattered that our enemies try to imitate us so much, especially when it comes to extreme sports. For years now, flying squirrels have imitated our wing suits. Whales and dolphins imitate our freedivers. And now, spiders are joining in on the adrenaline rush, brah.

BASE jumping, which stands for something no one cares about, is the sport of jumping off a tall cliff or building, and pulling a parachute. According to a recent report, spiders in Peru and Panama are doing it, too. An entire genus of rain forest spider has been observed jumping from tall trees and sailing down to the base of the tree, grabbing some sick air all the way.

If spiders do it without a parachute, does that make them more extreme?

| Filed under War on Animals

Winnie the Bro

"Oh, bother."
“Oh, bother.”

Police in Colorado Springs, Colorado, arrested a bear cub caught with her head in a bottle of protein powder. The officers found her bro-ing out before dawn, which is a great time to work in cardio — like running from the police.

We salute the Colorado Springs Police Department for quickly recognizing the threat of ripped bears and stopping them before leg day. Left unchecked, those bears could have developed into muscle daddies, blurring carefully maintained niches in the gay forest egosystem.

The cub is now free of the tub and was left sedated in the woods to find her mother again, which should put a dent in her ain’t-no-DNB body.