| Filed under Regular Post

Crisis in Tunisia finally matters to U.S.

Members of ISIS really hate it when you call them "sand people."
Members of ISIS really hate it when you call them “sand people.”

As elements of the Islamic State menace the region in which nearly all elements of civilization were invented (writing, math, language, beer, money and etc.), we’ve kind of sat back as they destroy the world’s heritage for a quick buck. Well, now they’ve finally affected American culture.

ISIS now occupies Tataouine, Tunisia — the namesake and setting of Tatooine from Star Wars, home to Luke Skywalker, Biggs Darklighter and scores of unfortunately-named extras/action figures like Ephant Mon and the butt-faced Ponda Baba.

Several governments, including the United States Embassy, are warning tourists to stay away from the area, effectively denying pilgrimages to the only culture most Americans actually care about. Fortunately, they can still visit the statue of Samantha from Bewitched at Salem, Massachusetts and a life-sized replica of the Statue of Liberty from Ghostbusters II (it doesn’t walk, though) in New York.

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Finally, you can enjoy a martini in space

If you’ve always dreamed of drinking in space, science is here to help.

A company called Cosmic Lifestyle Corp. has designed cocktail glasses they say will work in zero gravity. The cups look sort of like what glasses we know here on Earth, but they’ve got a system of grooves that the company says will hold the liquids more or less in place until you’re ready to put them in your face. Like any foolish endeavor, the zero gravity cups are doing a Kickstarter funding campaign.

Beats drinking out of those lame Capri Sun-style packets.

| Filed under Eat My Sports

Eat My Sports: You’re into college basketball? How very hipster of you

Admit it, none of you cared about NCAA basketball until last Thursday. I don’t care how many stats or players you can rattle off now that you’ve done the bare minimum amount of research to fill out a bracket. You did not know who any of these teams or people were (outside of UVA and Kentucky) until you had to.

The most annoying part of March mental illness is that it makes the most casual basketball fan into your local area hipster. You know, the guy with the beard and snow cap at your local area craft beer bar that judges and has an opinion on everything. “Oh, you drink Sam Adams, it was great before they sold out. Now let me tell you something about Georgia State’s three point shooting this year.” Continue reading

| Filed under Regular Post

Poop potentially at the center of a dark conspiracy

According to Amy Goldberg, her neighbor has allowed her dog to use Goldberg’s front lawn as a toilet for quite some time now. It’s been brought up, but the neighbor’s done nothing to fix the situation. Here’s where things get tricky.

The neighbor accuses Goldberg of smearing fresh dog feces over the neighbor’s face. Ew. Goldberg says that the neighbor self-smeared the brown squat. Double ew. If true, that’s going the unneeded extra mile, don’t you think.

Boy, the whole situation sure is nutty, isn’t it?

| Filed under Big Man of the Day

Dear Diary, it’s me, George Zimmerman

Zimmerman stressed that he feels absolutely no regret or remorse for extinguishing a human life, which is the exact amount of  introspection to put you on the Fox & Friends couch between Steve and Brian.
Zimmerman stressed that he feels absolutely no regret or remorse for extinguishing a human life, which is the exact amount of introspection to put you on the Fox & Friends couch between Doocy and Kilmeade.

George Zimmerman, who was acquitted of all charges related to the 2012 shooting of Trayvon Martin, released a video with his lawyer’s help on Monday. In it, he blames President “Barack Hussein Obama” as the person most responsible for all racial tension towards him. He also compares himself to Anne Frank for their shared ability to “believe that people are truly good at heart” before shooting them.

This is the second weirdest audition tape that Fox news has received since Geraldo Rivera filmed 14 consecutive Vine videos of himself twirling his mustache at a teachers’ union meeting.

| Filed under KAPLOOIE!

Please don’t throw away grenades

Here in America, we take a lot of things for granted, because we’re a world superpower and we haven’t fought a war on our own soil in like a century. That’s why we generally don’t worry about people disposing of explosives in their morning trash.

Serbia can’t say the same. The Serbian government has asked its people not to throw away hand grenades or other wartime munitions they may have lying around. The government recently passed tighter restrictions on privately held weapons, which has given rise to fears that people will dump their leftover munitions to avoid punishment.

It’s estimated that hundreds of thousands of munitions are privately held, but if Obama gets re-elected, they’ll probably try to bring that number down to zero.

| Filed under Headline of the Day, Too Soon?

‘I came here to drink orange juice and shoot butts …’

A dad in Baton Rouge, La., walked into his kitchen on Sunday morning to drink orange juice and shoot butts, only to discover that he was all out of orange juice. After an argument with his 18-year-old son led to a broken vase, police report that he chased his son outside and allegedly fired a handgun three times, hitting him in the buttocks.

Police video forensics have assembled the following reenactment of the altercation that led to the shooting:

The victim should be recovering as his wounds were reported as non-life-threatening. He’s — at the very least — doing as well as anyone with four butt holes can.

| Filed under Regular Post

The perfect storm for marriage doesn’t always mean a perfect marriage

Arby’s, who for the longest time had only one job to do and didn’t even do that job right, is now selling both reuben sandwiches and a variation of the reuben they call “the Rachel.” And because fate is a cruel and fickle monkey-lord, a Rachel and a Reuben are getting married. Not only that, they’re both fans of Arby’s.

As Arby’s would like to have publicity that is not restricted to fake Twitter accounts and spending time on the toilet, they hosted an engagement party for the two at one of their locations and donated an engagement ring.

Their marriage may potentially be fleeting, but at least they’ll have the memories.

| Filed under Regular Post

Sweatpants aren’t acceptable, ladies

Ladies, if you want your husband to stay happy with you, don’t look so dumpy. We’re not saying it, Eva Mendes is.

Mendes, who is in fact a woman in movies that women like, such as Hitch and the Fast and the Furious movies, said that wearing sweatpants around the house is the No. 1 cause of divorce. So we guess you ladies should heed her advice.

Again, that’s her advice, we’re not saying anything.

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: Dregs of the bottle edition

"Life's not worth it anymore!"
“Life’s not worth it anymore!”

It’s March Madness time again. It’s the time where everyone acts like they care about basketball, much less college basketball, and the nation looks the other way on illegal gambling. We have to act like we care about it, because for a few weeks, it’s everywhere. CBS has every single one of its networks airing as many games as possible, some of which feature commentary by Charles Barkley for some reason. All of this coverage, and the ad revenue it brings in, and not one cent for mental illness research. I call that a sham. If you were busy filling out a bracket this week, odds are you missed it.

Bag-o-wine: The silent killer
This week, a class-action lawsuit was filed against 30 California winemakers, the ones that make the cheap stuff your girlfriend and her drunk friends always get. They lawsuit claims that the cheap wines have more arsenic in them than should be fit for public consumption. So if you care about your health and your wallet, drink liquor.

A Schocking turn of events
This week, Rep. Aaron Schock, R-Ill., said he plans to resign from Congress amid a scandal involving improper funding for campaigns and travel, as well as failure to report gifts of money from donors. The FBI investigation is a black eye for what is otherwise seen as the incorruptible state of Illinois. Schock’s pending resignation also leaves Congress without its most rockingly-named member. That honor now falls to, you guessed it, Rep. Rodney P. Frelinghuysen, R-N.J.

Still better than Vegas Vacation
Actor and noted crazy person Randy Quaid posted his a new video online this week, his latest in a series of ranty videos from his hideout somewhere in Canada. In it, he rants about how Rupert Murdoch hasn’t thanked him properly for his work in Independence Day. He then has his wife put on a Murdoch mask and simulates having sex with her. What’s worse, is that it’s mostly the same stuff he and his wife have done in previous videos. Does anyone not see this story ending in a muder-suicide?