| Filed under War on Animals

Bed Intruder: War on Animals Edition

Put it away, Banana. Ain't nobody got time for that.
Put it away, Banana. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Wide yo’ wife, hide yo’ kids: there are weird monkey bears coming for you in your own bedroom. They’re coming for everyone, even 99-year-old mothers-in-law.

The 99-year-old mother-in-law of Carlos Aguaras (who did not decline to be identified, unlike his MIL, so he’s the Antoine Dodson of this case) woke up to find a kinkajou curled up on her chest.

The Central and South American tree dweller is kinky, indeed, as its name is Banana (the penis of fruits) and because they’re normally not the bed intruder types, even in Miami. He was held briefly in the South Dade Animal Hospital (for the Deviant and Criminally Insane, obviously), and then released into the care of his owners.

People, we can’t get soft on animal perverts. We didn’t choose you, kinkajou, but we will fight you, nevertheless.

| Filed under War on Animals

Vultures are spying on you

Folks, there’s a new aerial threat out there, and we’re not talking about people with those stupid quadcopter drone things. Vultures are a serious threat the global security.

Long thought of as flying trash trucks or indicators of cartoon characters crawling through the desert, vultures have gotten a pass. But no more. The Lebanese government has arrested a vulture on suspicion of being a spy. No, really. The bird is believed to have left a wildlife preserve in Israel, and according to reports, it had some sort of deice on its back.

In related news, the city of Lima, Peru, has put GoPro cameras on vultures under the guise of catching citizens illegally dumping their trash.

Folks, this is bad news. Governments are using animals to track us and enslave us. They have gone over to the other side.

| Filed under Regular Post

English coast guard perform daring rescue of inflatable doll

Next time you’re in a boat, take a moment to appreciate that there are men and women willing to risk their lives to save your life. If an inflatable doll could talk, it would certainly give thanks.

Off the coast of Cornwall, England, a fisherman reported seeing an elderly person in the water, struggling to keep afloat in the rough seas. A coast guard helicopter and Royal Navy ship searched the waters, and located what appeared to be a person. They saved what they soon found was an inflatable sex doll, and just in time, as the doll seemed to have lost all its air and could have gone under at any time.

The doll was wearing pants and a shirt, because English sex toys are just classier than ours.

| Filed under Regular Post

Santa Claus arrested for being too jolly to drive

The Post Falls, Idaho Police Department is going to be on the naughty list next year after they arrested a man named Santa Claus last week.

According to authorities, Claus was spotted driving the wrong way on a one-way street and was pulled over. Father Christmas explained that he wasn’t from around there, and wasn’t familiar with the streets in town. However, cops smelled alcohol on his breath. He blew a .13 of jolliness. Pere Noel was arrested and charged with DUI, which was later reduced to reckless driving.

Santa, next time you have a few, ask one of your helpers to drive. At least now we know where he went with the stolen helicopter.

 

| Filed under Eat My Sports

Eat My Sports: Cardinals and Pats, Super Bowl Champs!

Not every football fan is a Neanderthal, meathead screaming at their television because they like seeing people get their brains bashed in. Unfortunately, sometimes, the average football gets lumped into a pool of people that is considered by and large, uneducated and spends way too much of their time, money and energy on a team or sport that really never gives anything back. This generalization is given to them by the few that make the rest of us who simply enjoy the sport look very, very bad.

Unless you live underneath a rock, you know by now that the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers are squaring off in Super Bowl 50. I repeat the DENVER BRONCOS and CAROLINA PANTHERS ARE PLAYING. Unfortunately, there are some recently tattooed Arizona Cardinal and New England Patriot fans that will have a lifetime reminder that their team did not, in fact, win the 50th Super Bowl. Continue reading

| Filed under Facepalm, Sex Sells

The right to bare arms, legs in the workplace

If men can wear this while accepting bribes in the state capitol, then women can wear mini-skirts.
If men can wear this while accepting bribes in the Kansas state capitol, then women can wear mini-skirts.

State lawmakers in Kansas, including Sen. Mitch Holmes, are red-faced over women’s attire in the state house. At first, they were blushing due to reports of low-cut tops and mini-skirts, and then after being thoroughly lashed with the keyboards of the Tumblrazzi for slut-shaming.

Holmes and his fellow Republicans received criticism for only addressing women’s inappropriate attire, but not men’s. So, from here on out, men no longer have to wear pants, jacket and tie in the state house, but can now wear tank tops and shorts with hems halfway up the knee.

That’s right, men of Kansas’ law: dress for the job you want, which is giving up your self-worth in return for lobbyists’ money.

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Your local bar improves your quality of life, study finds

Drinking alone can be fun, you don’t have anyone to judge you, you can do whatever you want while you drink, and there aren’t any jerks to deal with like at your local watering hole. But drinking alone isn’t a good habit to fall into. Fortunately, science is here to encourage you to go to the bar.

According to researchers at Oxford University, having a local pub to hang out at generally makes you happier. It’s amazing what science can teach us today. It turns out that social interaction, like that you can find at your local hole-in-the-wall, makes you feel more satisfied with your life. And the drinks almost certainly help that.

This makes sense, since we learned recently that drinking with your friends can help stave off Alzheimer’s. So go out tonight and have some drinks with those guys you know, the life you save could be your own.

| Filed under Booze News

Virginia goes on a bender

Thanks, Nature!
Thanks, Nature!

The Guys all live in Virginia, which is supposed to be hit with a big snow storm over the weekend. You know that we have all taken the proper precautions to ensure our safety, but you may not realize how much of an effect we have on our fellow Virginians.

In getting ready for the storm, people have been stocking up on the essentials, namely, liquor. Stores throughout the state, especially in Richmond, are selling out of hooch because so many people are stocking up for the weekend blizzard.

We’re thrilled to have inspired so many people. We all stocked up earlier this week, and don’t plan on being without a drink in hand until Monday morning at the earliest.

| Filed under A Word from Our Sponsors

Chipotle jumps onto Less-than-super Monday hangover grenade

Chipotle knows that there's no discernible difference between a burrito thrown up due to E. Coli or E. Stoli.
Chipotle knows that there’s no discernible difference between a burrito thrown up due to E. Coli or E. Stoli.

Despite more people worldwide (over)celebrating the Super Bowl than Christmas, the federal government and your boss refuse to recognize it as a national holiday. One-quarter drink to cheer the thrill of victory; one-quarter to drown the agony of defeat; one-quarter to endure the half-time show; and one-quarter because football. So, everyone knows why you’re calling in sick on Less-than-super Monday, and it reflects on you poorly as a person, even though nearly everyone else is at least a little hungover the day after the Super Bowl.

And that’s Chipotle’s opening to win you back — even though, c’mon, the only people who stopped eating there weren’t allowed to check out of the ICU for food poisoning. They’ll take $50 off 1,500 catering orders they receive for Super Bowl parties.

So, when your supervisor gets all judgy when you call in the next day, tell ’em it’s not a hangover; it’s Chipotle.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Inexorable march to death grows longer

Even elves, who age pretty well, would rather get lost at sea than live long enough to be spoon-fed by men.
Even elves, who age pretty well, would rather get lost at sea than live long enough to be spoon-fed by men.

Like a sweater that you never asked for, life is a gift. And now it’ll be even longer before you can get rid of it due to normal wear and tear.

The number of Americans living past 100 years old rose 40 percent since 2000. At the beginning of the Willennium, there were 50,281 centenarians; as of 2014, 72,197. Thanks to advancements in vaccines and life-extending, yet mostly terrible technologies like dialysis and artificial joints, more people are living to the point where everyone is young and awful, nothing seems familiar and everything costs more money than ever existed when you earned it.

The only plus side is that Alzheimer’s related deaths also increased by 119 percent over the same 15 years for people over 100. So, at least your last years will be a constant surprise.