| Filed under War on Robots

Drones harass gridlocked drivers

The robots may not be strong enough to overtake us yet, but they can taunt us. It should come as no surprise that it will be Uber that does us in.

Drivers stuck in traffic in Mexico City probably aren’t in the best of moods in the first place. Now they have to deal with drones buzzing around their cars making fun of them. The drones carry signs shaming drivers for driving, and driving alone, at that.

This seems like a good reason for Mexico City drivers to carry guns with them, in case they aren’t already.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, That Wacky Australia, War on Animals

Big Tasmanian Devil Milk achieves medical spin

It wasn't essential to the research, but just for sh*ts and grins, one researcher married each Tasmanian devil before yanking those sweet, sweet peptides out of their tits.
It wasn’t essential to the research, but just for sh*ts and grins, one researcher married each Tasmanian devil before yanking those sweet, sweet peptides out of their tits.

We knew scientists were getting desperate for new sources of antibiotics now that all of the old ones are becoming less effective. (Serves us right for resting on Salk’s laurels.) But, we didn’t realize how desperate they’re getting until we learned that they’re milking Tasmanian devils.

It shouldn’t be too surprising, though, that it’s Australian researchers going full tit at Tasmanian devils. On the scale of scary Down-under animals, taking a devil down by the nipple seems relatively tame.

So why bother at all? According to those researchers, who — again — reached into the pouch of at least one Tasmanian devil to milk it, their milk contains six important peptides that appear to be able to kill hard-to-treat infections, including MRSA.

Of course, far tamer wallabies and opossums have 12 and eight peptides respectively in their milk, but where’s the fun in that? If the Aussies have their way, we bet the best way to milk Tasmanian devils is with your teeth, too.

| Filed under Regular Post

Vampires need to step it up

Really, the first hit to vampires' image was when they had to take jobs on children's television.
Really, the first hit to vampires’ image was when they had to take jobs on children’s television.

Between the Twilight media franchise and clowns now outranking spiders and losing your teeth in our list of national fears, vampires need a win.

Even at their most recent “scary” peak in the ’80s and ’90s, it was more of a sexy Catholic guilty fear via Anne Rice and probably created more goths than goosebumps. (Also scarier than vampires in the ’90s? Goosebumps.)

You know how we know vampires aren’t scary anymore? People are entering a drawing to win an overnight Airbnb stay in Dracula’s castle.

They’ll sleep in velvet-lined coffins, completely unarmed. No garlic. No stakes. And the only cross they’ll bear is having an awkward dinner with Bram Stoker’s living relative trying to method act as Jonathan Harker.

Ten bucks says he plays him as Keanu Reeves.

Well, here’s your shot, vampires. Two free suckers, gift-wrapped and everything. Try not to get too much glitter and guyliner on their necks.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Robots

Sweaty robots are the next big thing

In the Terminator movie franchise, after the machines take over the world, the create killer robots that look like humans to infiltrate and destroy the remains of human resistance. Thanks to the Japanese, we’re that much closer to making it a reality.

Researchers at the University of Tokyo have created a robot that can work out, although sadly, it can’t work out for us. But more importantly, the robot can sweat to cool itself down. Kengoro the robot has a head, torso, two arms and two legs, just like a human, and when it does pushups, it gets overheated. But rather than using fans, like pretty much every other machine, it sweats like a human. The robot’s skeleton is porous, and emits water throughout its frame to cool itself down.

This is achievement will soon be followed up by the first robot to get swamp ass.

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: Christmas sweater edition

But what about Captain Jowl right behind him?
But what about Captain Jowl right behind him?

I don’t think Billy Bush deserves to lose his job. At my first job as a reporter, I was assigned to do a profile on one of the candidates running for county sheriff. I got this guy because I was the lowest ranking reporter, and everyone knew he was nuts. The guy had a hairtrigger temper, and a persecution complex to go with it. During the interview, he railed about how this company or that person were against him, he spewed conspiracy theories, he even said if elected, he would throw the current sheriff and county judge in jail. I didn’t challenge him, I didn’t dig any deeper into his ramblings. I tried to remain agreeable to keep in talking. I wrote down what little of a coherent platform he had and got the interview over with as fast as I could. A few years later, he murdered his neighbor over some ongoing property line dispute. Billy Bush seems like a rich-guy douche bro who probably really believes what he and Donald Trump said, but I can’t prove it. All I know is sometimes you have to interview someone with the crazy eyes and in that moment, you have to roll with it. If you were busy winning the Nobel Literature Prize this week, odds are you missed it.

Ken Bone makes a boner
This week, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump yelled at each other on live TV for the second of three times. During the town hall-style debate, Ken Bone, a red sweater-clad voter who has somehow not made up his mind, used his opportunity to ask something of substance to the two people vying to be leader of the free world to instead toss a feel-good softball. Bone became an instant celebrity. He used his fame to endorse Uber, and did a Reddit AMA. The formerly anonymous Bone forgot to delete questionable Reddit comments, like his thoughts on certain porn stars and the murder of Trayvon Martin, before hand. As we have seen with Pepe the Frog and Chewbacca Mom, never become internet famous.

Last Trump releases diss track
Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump saw GOP leaders withdraw their support for the horse they backed, with many calling for donors to instead put their dollars toward close congressional races. Trump fired back that he didn’t need the support of Republican leadership, and is ranting any time he gets a microphone. This is like when Ice Cube left N.W.A., or when Zayn Malik left One Direction.

Obama enjoys not being in politics anymore
President Barack Obama penned an op-ed about how the NASA and the private sector will partner to send astronauts to Mars in the 2030s. In the same week, he lifted the $100 limit on bringing cigars and rum from Cuba. Someone’s getting excited for their retirement.

| Filed under Clown Crisis 2016!

Clown Crisis: Ronald McDonald implicated?

Guess who's got two thumbs and hasn't been seen since clowns began terrorizing us.
Guess who’s got two thumbs and hasn’t been seen since clowns began terrorizing us.

There’s a popular saying during every period of mass hysteria when everyone becomes suspect and must submit to extra scrutiny: if you have nothing to hide, then what’s the problem?

Well, we have a very high-profile clown gone into hiding (besides Jared Leto, who’s still MIA). Ronald McDonald is AWOL, waiting out Clown Crisis 2016 before returning to the public eye.

His handlers at McDonald’s say they’re being “mindful of the current climate around clown sightings in communities” and “are being thoughtful in respect to Ronald McDonald’s participation in community events for the time being.”

But, we all know what’s really happening here, people. McDonald’s just doesn’t want their clown overlord accidentally standing next to a Wanted poster or television describing the suspect.

It’s time to boycott. Until McDonald’s either hands over Ronnie or brings back the McRib and Shamrock Shakes, we refuse to set foot in their clown-harboring restaurants.

| Filed under Regular Post

Thieves steal house

Everyone knows about the “tiny house” craze that is sweeping the country. (No? Just us? Your wives don’t make you watch those tiny house shows?) It’s the best option for people who think 600 square feet is a livable space, but don’t want the hassle of moving to New York. The problem is, these things are mobile.

A woman in Sacramento, California came home one day to find her house had gone missing. Her tiny house, which is nearly complete thanks to asking for other people to pay for her house, had been stolen. After a day of searching, the house was found in a parking lot.

Seems like if you live in something that random people can just haul away, you need to put a boot on your house.

| Filed under Booze News

Stop what you’re doing and stock up on Jim Beam

The guys are all about fighting The Man, unless it’s us, and we’re also no strangers to bourbon. That’s why we’re in a tough spot on this one.

Workers at the two Jim Beam distilleries are set to go on strike, which means we could be facing a shortage of the famed bourbon. The union rejected a new contract, and some say the workers are timing the strike for the fall and winter, as production usually ramps up from the slower summer months. For you, this means there could be a shortage of Jim Beam.

So run out and buy a case or two. Or switch to Jack Daniel’s.

| Filed under Scurry '16, Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: Somebody’s gotta do it (but not you)

Update (10/22/2016): As most people are aware, Mike Rowe responded to this post on Wednesday, 10/19/2016. I posted an apology and brief explanation while I digested his response, reread his post, and came to terms with why I could have approached this topic better.

After a few days, I’ve finished collecting my thoughts in a new follow-up post. It’s a long read, but I hope it adequately explains why I wrote the unjustifiable way I did about Mike Rowe, why I owed him an apology, and why I still respectfully disagree with him over encouraging people to vote.

I also wrote it on my own site because, fair warning, it’s probably too boring for SeriouslyGuys.

Yes, yes. You're very well ... watched.
Yes, yes. You’re very well read watched.

For some people, an election boils down to Democrat or Republican.

For others, it’s Vote or Not Vote because, overall, politicians are no prize. They’re more like the price of living in a republic with democratically elected representation: OK, you get someone who will mostly make the decisions you want, but they’ll also be the kind of person who wants to be a decision-maker for everyone else. It’s no surprise that most of these people probably rank high on the psychopath spectrum.

So, I can understand when a common sense guy like Mike Rowe would rather not encourage people to vote. Voting is inspirational in the theoretical, Leonardo-DiCaprio-does-it sense. But when you look at the choices, it looks more like a dirty job — do you ladle out the solid chunks or siphon the ammonia-smelling liquids?

But, when Mike Rowe says that people shouldn’t be encouraged to vote because they’re probably too stupid to do so, that’s not common sense. (Rant also celebrated here, although it bogusly claims he posted it a couple of days ago.) That’s elitism, which seems out of character for the champion of the hard-working American.  Continue reading

| Filed under War on Animals

Fly gets man arrested

Traffic accidents kill Americans every day, and an untold number of them are caused by animals. Now the beasts are trying to get us tickets and arrests, too.

In Florida, police say a man who ran a stop sign blamed the incident on a fly that flew into his mouth. Rather than let the man go based on the undeniable veracity of his claims, the officer pressed on with his questions. He soon learned the man had no ID on him, and according to police, gave a fake name, then gave a second fake name after he was arrested.

Of course, authorities refused to see that the fly the man had swallowed was controlling what he said.