But will her mouth have a spam filter?
Posted on November 17, 2008
Filed Under Regular Post | 1 Comment |
A San Francisco artist has decided that the best way to replace her missing eye is with a web camera. Lindsey Wagner is most probably proud of the decision.
Artist Tanya Vlach, who lost her eye in a car accident, has used the power of the INTARWUBS to issue a challenge to engineers all across the world wide web: make an “eye cam” for her fake eye that can all kinds of things seen more often in science fiction movies than in real life.
Now, is there a problem? Of course. Power would definitely be the restriction here. The idea of having the wireless power magically “beamed” to the eye is theoretically sound, but putting it in practice is another issue, especially considering this power would need to be sent through a human body, which may have safety issues. The loss in such a process is considerable, and it’s not like a phone is some endless source of power in itself. I mean, I have to charge my iPhone at least once a day, and I’m not surfing the web on it all the time. How much power could be outputted by something that has to “dilate with changes of light” and allow a user to blink to control its zoom, focus and on/off switch?
Problem number 2: in 2047, Sam Neill will open a dimensional portal to a place where “we won’t be needing our eyes.” So, you know, we’ve got that going for us.
Inverse black hole creation question: What will happen if she looks at a live feed of her site in a monitor? Or is that sight?
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorSo much for their happy ending
Posted on November 17, 2008
Filed Under Sex Sells, That Wacky Australia | 1 Comment |
There really isn’t any way I can make this sound crazier than it already is. But what the hell, I’m contacting my insurance agent after this one.
Yes, we’ll take the full health coverage, partial dental, we need auto and sex insurance too please.
Written by Bryan SchoolsThe McBournie Minute: Enough with repackaging Beatles crap
Posted on November 17, 2008
Filed Under McBournie Minute | 2 Comments |
I’ll get to my main point in a bit, but first, don’t expect me to be going anywhere anytime soon. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control just named my hometown, Burlington, Vermont, the healthiest city in the country. Sure, I haven’t truly lived there for the better part of a decade, but hey, I’m healthier than you. Now on to other matters.
Paul McCartney, I have a bone to pick with you, and it’s not even about the fact that you’re looking saggier than usual these days. You too, Yoko Ono. Sure, you got the raw end of the deal and all the blame for splitting up The Beatles, but what you’ve done since then is what I’m here about. Ringo Starr, you’re OK with me. For the most part, you’ve kept to yourself and gone on to do other things like “The No-no Song” and you even recently announced you’re not going to sign autographs anymore.
But for the love of Sgt. Pepper, enough with the Beatles merchandise. Every year, some new form of repackaged Beatles work or book or home movie or biography or television special is released. Don’t act like you’re not behind it. Read more
Written by Bryan McBournieMasterChugs Theater: ‘Shaolin Soccer’
Posted on November 14, 2008
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While movie stars such as Chow Yun-fat, Michelle Yeoh, Zhang Ziyi, Jet Li and Jackie Chan have become household names in North America, one of the biggest names in Hong Kong cinema is, for the most part, still relatively unknown. Funnyman Stephen Chow has built his career on absurdist humor and Jim Carrey-style shenanigans in films such as The King of Comedy, From Beijing with Love, and The God of Cookery (which was slated to be remade into a Jim Carrey vehicle before falling into development hell). Unfortunately, because of his penchant for Cantonese wordplay and in-references to Chinese culture, it has been difficult for his films to find audiences outside of his native Hong Kong and China. Last week, we explored his most recent foray into American cinema, Kung Fu Hustle. This week, we take a look at his debut trek into foreign waters, Shaolin Soccer-the good version, that is. Read more
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorYou Missed It: Who would Jesus endorse? edition
Posted on November 14, 2008
Filed Under Scurry '08, You Missed It | Leave a Comment |
We meet again, dear reader. Did you make it through the work week? Well, technically you haven’t yet. There are still several more hours left before you are free. You must continue to sit in your chair at your desk and watch as the seconds slowly … tick… by.
But wait! Here’s an idea: what if we provided some sort of reading material for you in hopes of getting you through this rough patch. Until then, this will have to do. If you were busy baptizing the dead Jews, odds are you missed it.
My name is Jesus Christ, and I approve this message
In Greenville, North Carolina, a Catholic priest is calling a vote for Obama a mortal sin. Rev. Jay Scott Newman is denying communion to any parishioners who voted for Obama in the recent election because he is a pro-choice candidate. Before he could answer questions about Joe Biden becoming the first Catholic vice president, the priest shooed everyone away because it was time for him to show the altar boys how to take a poll.
It’s only called a bailout if the ship is sinking
President George Bush and President-elect Barack Obama met this week to discuss things like the transition, the war on terrorism, the economy and the art of posing for a photo-op. Obama also pushed for a bailout of the U.S. auto industry, because GM is teetering and Ford and Chrysler are bleeding money like the slowest in the herd when the lions are on the hunt. They did not seem to agree on this issue. So it is our sage advice that you invest in imported car companies.
To the Williams-mobile, Robin!
Former Washington, D.C. Mayor Anthony Williams has only been out of office for less than a year. However, he has not given up serving the city. This week Williams, 57, was walking to his office when he saw someone grab a package containing computer parts from a UPS truck. The delivery man yelled at him. Wasting no time, Williams sprinted after the man shouting at him. When the thief saw it was the former mayor, he handed over the box and ran off. Yes, that is a true story.
(Image by Michael Ian Weinfield via ANIMAL)
Written by Bryan McBournieAdministration still hopes to kill bin Laden
Posted on November 14, 2008
Filed Under Regular Post | 1 Comment |
It’s a countdown to January 20th for Osama bin Laden, the bearded mastermind behind such tapes as:
- “Die, you yankee infidel scum!”
- “You are all fat and I hope you die, Americans!”
- “Hey, is anyone still hunting for me? Well … you’ll never catch me because I’m like the wind, baby!”
- “America, you suck.”
He is apparently still alive and living in seclusion from his posse, al Qaeda. After eight solid years of carpetbombing by U.S. armed forces, they finally voted him out of the terrorist organization.
The CIA believes he’s out there, somewhere in the vincinity of the Pakistan-Afghanistan border, still carrying his extinguished tiki torch and waiting for that lucrative sitcom or book deal.
Some intelligence experts believe that the CIA is in a race against time, trying to kill bin Laden before President Bush leaves office. Unfortunately, those experts also forget that CIA operatives are salaried government employees who can’t get fired even if you really want them to.
Written by Rick SneeEyeing that bailout, eh?
Posted on November 14, 2008
Filed Under Scurry '08 | 1 Comment |
Change is coming. New president, new drapes for the Oval Office, new tone for the presidency, and now, a new presidential limo is on its way!
Except, it’s not really a limo so much as a truck. Sort of.
GM is currently working on the new vehicle for the new Prez-elect. “Cadillac One” will be based off of the GMC Topkick, which you may remember as Ironhide from Transformers. Will this create an ethical problem that may allow GM to get a federal bailout a la AIG? Possibly, but who cares about that issue. More importantly, will this cause the Democratic party to land the all too critical sentient alien robots vote in 2012? Inquiring minds want to know.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorRudolph the godless reindeer…
Posted on November 14, 2008
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There are many things to do during the holiday season, like spending time with friends and family, exchanging gifts, working extra hard to provide a wonderful Christmas, drinking yourself stupid off of “the nog” in order to forget all of the stress the ensuing weeks will provide. Or, you can join a group of atheists in D.C., and launch a $40,000 ad campaign on public transportation that pretty much challenges God and the belief in secular holidays.
But hey, what you do in your free time is up to you.
Written by Bryan SchoolsWe’re going to Cancun for senior week!
Posted on November 14, 2008
Filed Under Sex Sells | Leave a Comment |
Sure, Mexico City is the biggest city in the Western Hemisphere, it’s dirty, the air’s bad, the water isn’t safe to drink, the power goes out now and then for no reason and it’s overpopulated, but damn if the senior citizens aren’t happy!
As reported by our sister site, HombresSeriamentes.com, Mexico City is giving out free Viagra, Levitra and Cialis to its senior (or is it “señor?”) citizens. The theory behind this is that sex is important to one’s wellbeing. Just ask our very own Rick Snee, who is now as healthy as a horse. (Note: Eight Belles was healthy as a horse at Belmont before she ended up breaking her ankles and getting euthanized on the track.)
Not only will this mean old people could need less medical treatment (aside from a broken hip), but it means the men will probably not need canes anymore.
Written by Bryan McBournieHow To: Joke about the new president
Posted on November 13, 2008
Filed Under How To, Scurry '08 | 2 Comments |
Comedians are worried about their trade now that George Bush’s presidency is almost over. It’s been an easy eight years, minus that brief period in late 2001-2002 when we depended on him as an illiterate father-figure.
In fact, things have been so bad for Bush and the gang that Republicans are complaining that we made too much fun of him, ruining their dreams of pop-up history books.
But enough about those oversensitive, feelings-oriented, fairness-mongering crybabies. We’ve got a real issue on our hands: how do we make fun of the guy who’s supposed to save America, especially one who’s … um, diverse?
Did any of you voters think about us? Humorists have husbands, wives and children to publicly belittle; we can’t pay for that unless we do political jokes, too. This is why The Guys held an emergency post-election meeting to determine how to joke about the new president. Read more
Written by Rick Snee « go back — keep looking »