| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Science: Pigeons can read

Good god, the birds know that reading is fun-damental.
Good god, the birds know that reading is fun-damental.

For a decade, we’ve operated under the assumption that we could freely communicate in written text here on SG. But now we’re learning that we’re not safe even here. It turns out that pigeons can read. This is the worst news since we learned that dogs can hear Donald Trump’s dog whistles.

Researchers have found that with some training, pigeons are able to read four-letter words, even differentiating the correctly spelled words from misspelled ones. Some say this discovery is the result of a lot of training, while others believe that the birds have always had the capacity to read, but we’ve only just now thought to test it out.

Either way, pigeons, if you can read this, you will not win. And we have a few four-letter words for you.

| Filed under Pirates, Sex Sells

Never get yer sword bitten

Ahoy, me hearties! As ye know, today be Talk Like a Pirate Day, an’ the Guys are here to celebrate it. However, this post comes with a trigger warnin’: if ye are a man, ye may want to skip this one. Turn back now, here there be monsters.

We take ye to Austria, where a casual drive ended up with a landlubbber having surgery on his plank. Accordin’ to authorities, a man and a wench were out for a drive, and to use the medical terminology, the woman was performin’ a sword-swallowing trick fer the man, who was drivin’. A deer suddenly jumped out in front o’ the car, causing the man to slam on the brakes, and the woman accidentally bit down.

Luckily, surgeons say the wound to the man’s manhood was superficial, and he should be out o’ dry dock soon.

| Filed under Regular Post

Police shut down dead-animals-through-the-mail service

When angling for a new job, persistence is usually a good thing. Employers like seeing your enthusiasm for the position. At the very least, they will hire you just so you stop harassing them. But there is a line.

For example, if an employer has passed on you, it’s best not to harass the person who won. An Indiana man who sought a job as fourth grade teacher and basketball coach was distraught that he didn’t get the gig, and just to show there were no hard feelings, he started sending the guy who was hired some dead animals in the mail, according to police. Authorities say he began harassing the man and his wife through the mail, sending four skunks and a raccoon in all.

Surprisingly, the school board has not reconsidered hiring this guy.

| Filed under War on Animals

Tortoise really gets around, albeit slowly

One Galapagos tortoise is doing all he can to keep us from eliminating his species once and for all.

According to researchers, Diego the Galapagos giant tortoise has fathered an estimated 800 offspring in his century on Earth. He lives at a breeding center run by human traitors, and they recently discovered that he is better at repopulating his species than any of the other males.

It’s nice to be able to put a face on evil, isn’t it?

| Filed under Regular Post

Peeps shortage could be on horizon

Some 40 years ago, people waited for hours in line to fill up their gas tanks during the Iranian oil embargo. And now our generation may be facing a similar catastrophe — but with candy.

A candy factory in Pennsylvania that makes, among other things, Peeps, is facing production problems because its workers have gone on strike. Workers are demanding a better contract, and aren’t making Peeps, the marshmallow birds the internet loves for some reason. If there’s one thing this blog is not, it’s alarmist, which is why we’re saying you need to run out and buy as many Peeps as you can before the economy comes crashing down around us.

Or, boycott Peeps, and support the peeps who make Peeps.

| Filed under War on Animals

War on Animals turns 10

We’d like to say that it seems like only yesterday that the War on Animals because, but it hasn’t. It’s been a long war, and we’re far from done. But 10 years ago today was where it began.

As with so many other wars throughout history, this one began in Australia. People upset over the assassination of Steve Irwin decided to fight back against stingrays. We learned our lesson for being too lenient with the creatures of the Earth, and finally realized it was time to wipe them all out.

Our fight continues today. We will fight on, for this is a fight we can win, and a fight worth fighting. With animals eliminated, we will make the world safer for mankind. Please take a moment today and look back on the victories and defeats that have led us here.

| Filed under Booze News

Home defense weapon: beer

Is your home safe from intruders? You may have locks, you may have an alarm system, you may even have a gun, but you’re not really safe unless you have a case of beer in the house.

An Oregon father and his teenage son fought and detained a home intruder who may have been on drugs. Their secret weapon was a case of beer and a power tool. According to authorities, the father and son caught a man breaking into their house, and were forced to fight him when he became violent. During the scuffle, the son was able to smash cases of beer and a power grinder (items not usually used together) over the suspect’s head.

Keep your family safe. Buy a case of beer today.

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: Technical difficulties edition

Home of the land, and the land of the free. If you don't like it, leave.
Home of the land, and the land of the free. If you don’t like it, leave.

Can anyone tell me why we play the National Anthem before sporting events? It’s tradition at this point, but what was the thinking behind it, and when did it start? I bet some time around the beginning of the Cold War, MLB execs thought it would be good for marketing purposes, and every other sport followed. It’s not like we even apply it across the board. The PGA doesn’t play it at all. The NFL charges the military for it. Youth leagues don’t play it. They don’t even open sessions of Congress with it. We all just agree to sit through a minute or so of someone singing about a war we forgot, and we get mad if people don’t stand up or remove their hats while the song is played. If you were busy taking a knee this week, odds are you missed it.

Apple jacks jack
This week, Apple rolled out its latest line of new stuff, which included a new version of a watch no one is buying, and a new version of a smartphone, except without the audio jack everyone uses. Because Steve Jobs didn’t do the presentation, the bad idea was heavily criticized by tech bloggers and consumers alike. In an act of revenge Apple put another new U2 album in the iTunes libraries of every single critic.

Johnson, like rest of America, doesn’t know about Syria
Gary Johnson, the Libertarian presidential nominee and personification of every news article comment section rant, took his message to MSNBC this week, sitting down for a live interview on his ideas. When asked what he would do about Aleppo, asked, “What is Aleppo?” His response question not only cost him credibility points, it cost him $1,600 because he lost his wager on the Daily Double.

Tebow sent to baseball purgatory
The New York Mets signed failed NFL quarterback Tim Tebow to a contract with its minor league system. Because God can troll harder and better than anyone.

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Drinking beer, ‘BSG’-style

Science finally helps us get more plastered while watching old episodes of Cosmos. Just like Carl Sagan would've wanted.
Science finally helps us get more plastered while watching old episodes of Cosmos. Just like Carl Sagan would’ve wanted.

The Guys have lamented more than once that, while time does indeed march forward, it doesn’t often feel that we live in the future. Although computers are increasingly smaller and faster, they don’t do much different from they did ten to 15 years ago. We still have to chew our food like animals rather than take it in pill-form. (At this point, we’d even accept drinking a nutritionally sufficient slurry or paste.) And, even though the death toll would be astronomical (proving that we’ve gotten older), we still expect the jet packs we were promised as children.

In short, science fiction let us down. It peaked in the 1960s by predicting flat screens and cellphones, and the only modern thing it predicted is the widespread global chaos and lower fertility rates of Children of Men.

But, maybe it’s time to find smaller victories. For instance, the TV Beer Mug, which was clearly inspired by the corners cut off everything in Battlestar Galactica.

It’s not perfect. After all, Archie Bunker perfected drinking beer and watching television back in the 1970s. But, we’ll take any indication of Gene Roddenberry’s glorious, upbeat future anywhere we can find it.

Special thanks to Nat E. for the find! We owe you an unobtrusive beer.

| Filed under Big Man of the Day, Facepalm

A life sentence? Or ten to 25 years?

Much like 50 hard-boiled eggs, 25 years in prison to escape your wife only seems awesome in theory.
Much like 50 hard-boiled eggs and on-demand shower sodomy, 25 years in prison to escape your marriage only seems awesome in theory.

As a generation who grew up with divorce — and, before that, cholera — marriage doesn’t seem like a lifetime vow. Well, until you’re making that vow, then it becomes Too Real and even a little overwhelming.

So, if you can’t afford an attorney to negotiate your way out, you could always rob a bank and represent yourself. That should get you at least ten to 25 years … unless you’re Larry Ripple and even the Feds refuse to give you a little peace and quiet.

In the heat of an argument a domestic dispute with his wife, Ripple wrote out a bank robbery note, informed her he’d rather go to prison than spend another minute with her, drove to the bank and handed it to a teller. After receiving $2,924, he sat down in the lobby, chatted with the guard and waited for the FBI — which (fun fact) responds to all bank robberies — to arrest him.

Unfortunately, he only got five blissful days in jail before the U.S. Magistrate released him back into his wife’s custody. Of course, in a just world, his wife would’ve already remarried by then.