| Posted in Booze News

Just a few granules shy of greatness

Forget sugar or salt. We almost had Palcohol-lined margarita glasses.
Forget sugar or salt. We almost had Palcohol-lined margarita glasses.

We came this close — this close (imagine, if you will, our fingers pressed firmly together as if holding Tang mix) — to holding some stir-crazy parties. For about five minutes, the Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau approved Palcohol, the first (that we know of) line powdered drink mix that makes several types of alcohol when added to water.

And then they saw the error of their ways and quickly unapproved it.

We almost lived in a world were we could inhale booze and not drown. A world where we make booze castles and then weep into them when the tide comes in, not because we lost our secret fortresses and the action figures we left inside, but because it still hurts sometimes when we think back to how wonderful that one relationship was before it went sour … sorry, Palcohol in our eyes.

A world where this isn't corn starch.
A world where this isn’t corn starch.

But, no! It was too beautiful to happen, and like sands at the top of a glass that you tried to mix with a spoon, these are but the days of our lives at the whims of the government.

Thanks, Obama.

| Posted in Regular Post

Jesus rises from the grave, gets booed in Boston

A year ago, Boston Bruins fans came together in the aftermath of the marathon bombing and sang the National Anthem as a group. This Easter, they booed Jesus.

During the first period of Game 2 between the Bruins and the Detroit Red Wings, a guy in the stands dressed as Jesus was spotted and put on the jumbotron. He blessed the crowd and everyone was happy. Just one period later, the Son of Man himself was escorted out by security, and boos followed him as he went.

Bruins fans know not what they do.

| Posted in Sex Sells

More like New Humpshire

We're not too surprised at New Hampshire's moral flexibility. It's been scissoring Vermont since 1763.
We’re not too surprised at New Hampshire’s moral flexibility. It’s been scissoring Vermont since 1763.

New Hampshire is set to decriminalize “gettin’ some strange.” All that remains is for Gov. Maggie Hassan to sign it into law.

Adultery has been a stocks, lashing, jailing and fining offense in the state since 1791. However, theme parks turning the stockades into tourist attractions kind of took the sting out of the punishment, so it’s gradually become just an unenforced fine. (Also, the lashings typically take place in the bedroom during the offense now.) The last logical step was to just decriminalize it entirely.

So, if your spouse suddenly takes an interest in the Granite State, it might not be for the tax-free shopping.

| Posted in What a Reach!

Spread the golden, glistening idol on your toast

People, we’ll be honest: we’re so confused here.

For Easter, Erie County Executive Mark Poloncarz made a massively controversial yet understanding action and spared a butter lamb.

That would be a lamb. Made out of butter.

Poloncarz decreed that the sculpture would escape the tyranny that is Easter dinner. Are butter sculptures real things that are done outside of state fairs? And where does someone get enough butter to make a kneeling lamb?

| Posted in Regular Post

Draining the monster causes drain of reservoir

Portland would rather waste a precious resource than be honest with people.

On Wednesday, a teenager broke into one of the city’s reservoirs and peed in it, because it’s kind of funny. He was caught on security camera, and the city’s water bureau announced it will dump all 38 million gallons of drinking water in the reservoir because it would never “purposely serve tainted H2O to the public.”

The definition of “tainted” seems to be a little off, here. On a heavy day, an adult will pee roughly half a gallon in one day–mind you, that’s not all at once, unless you’re really been holding it. But let’s just say this kid killed a lot of beer, that would mean if you took a glass of water from the reservoir, it would be one-76 millionth pee. You can’t even spill that small of an amount. Your local beach has more pee in it.

This also assumes that this reservoir is located in a magical place where birds and other animals never pee or poop, because that would mean the Portland Water Bureau was purposely serving “tainted” water. Folks, no matter where you live, there is pee in the water you use to drink, cook and bathe. We recommend drinking beer instead. The hipsters in Portland drink piss water, anyway.

| Posted in MasterChugs Theater

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Captain America: The Winter Soldier’

In a matter of 6 years, we’ve been given 9 entries into the Marvel Cinematic Universe, the buzzword/term being spread by Marvel to describe the movies put out Marvel Studios. Most have been good. A pair have been the Iron Man sequels. Numero nueve is the sequel to 2011′s Captain America: The First Avenger.

And baby, is it good. Kids, go out now and watch Captain America: The Winter Soldier. You won’t be disappointed. Continue reading

| Posted in What a Reach!

Weenies win out over efficacy thanks to bureaucracy

Littering is bad. It’s a dumb crime to commit and aids no one. There are SO MANY BETTER, much cooler crimes than could be committed, but when people throw their trash into the street or the forests, that’s just dumb. Dummies. No one got laid by throwing their Hardee’s cup out the window.

Laurens, a city in South Carolina, managed to have fantastic signs put up that communicates why you shouldn’t litter that even people traveling at high speeds can figure out. So of course, a group of weenies are hurt and offended by the signs.

One of the signs, which reads “Don’t litter, Jack***, that means you!” and has a picture of a donkey, was taken down after being deemed inappropriate. Councilmember Sylvia Douglas perceived

“it as a bullying technique.”

So what’s a fine, taking someone’s lunch money?

| Posted in Facepalm, Sex Sells

NYC, rubber; Dominican Republic, glue

"I ❤ New York! I just don't ❤ it bareback."
“I ❤ New York! I just don’t ❤ it bareback.”

So, uh, if you’ve been looking for the free condoms New York City distributed everywhere and can’t find them, you could try looking in the Dominican Republic. (They’re always in the last place you look, like still in your date.)

Apparently somebody has gathered them up and shipped them over to vendors in DR, and they’re making a nice profit by selling what were free for 50 cents a pop. Or, if they don’t pop, a fill.

However, city officials aren’t about to do anything about it as the lost condoms don’t make up a large percentage of the number the city distributes every year. So, going back to the opening sentence: if you’ve been looking for free condoms in NYC, and aren’t finding them, then it’s not because somebody shanghaied them off to the Caribbean. It’s because you’re a lazy scumbag.

| Posted in Regular Post

The few literate Louisianians want Bible named state book

If all you know about Louisiana is what you’ve seen on TV, you probably think it’s a state full of rednecks, perverts, corrupt officials, more rednecks, Steven Seagal, and vampires pretty much everywhere you look. You may not be far off, but there’s so much more to the state.

Just look at how its state legislature is trying to better the lives of its citizenry. When they’re not refusing to take a homophobic, unconstitutional law off the books, state lawmakers are busy blurring the line separating church and state in other ways. The Louisiana House of Representatives is considering a bill that would make the Bible the official state book. Though some lawmakers warn such a bill could lead to First Amendment lawsuits if passed, supporters say making the official book of Christianity the official book of Louisiana doesn’t discriminate against other religions.

In case you’re wondering, no U.S. state has an official book, but two states have official children’s books. Michigan has a book you’ve never heard of, and Massachusetts, that bastion of conservative thought, has Make Way for Ducklings, which is seen by critics as a piece of Zionist propaganda.