| Filed under Regular Post

Canadian justice: Forced listening to Nickelback

This holiday season, make sure you drink. But also, don’t drive drunk. Police forces ramp up efforts to discourage drinking and driving this time of year, but in Canada, a new tactic is being launched.

One Prince Edward Island town’s police department has promised that anyone pulled over for drunk driving in its jurisdiction will be subjected to listening to Nickelback on the ride to the police station. The police chief said they have an unopened copy of the Canadian “rock” group’s Silver Side Up album–on cassette–and has threatened to use it.

Even police brutality is cute in Canada.

| Filed under A Word from Our Sponsors

Who mourns for Philip Morris?

Buck up, cowpoke. We'll save your job yet.
Buck up, cowpoke. We’ll save your job yet.

As The Guys wind down Movember (two participating, one waiting for this to all blow over so we can focus on his anti-cancer bar crawl in March), we turn our gaze onto the unsung heroes of cancer fundraising: cigarette companies.

If it weren’t for corporations like Philip Morris producing a known carcinogen and attempting to first cover up and then downplay the cancer and other health conditions they cause, what would we be growing mustaches or running laps around a high school gym for? And have we ever thanked them? No. Instead, we’re forcing them to change their packaging and hurting their sales.

Well, we hope you’re happy, because now Philip Morris has to find a new product to sell. One idea is to go into vaping, but that’s already got a bad taste to it — both literally and by people who vape. We owe some new ideas to Philip Morris — something that is both needed and fits in their wheelhouse. We suggest the following to save our butts:

  • Tracheotomy Rings: Smokers are so dedicated to Philip Morris’ products that they burned a new smoking hole into their throats. If that’s not a literal niche for tobacco companies to fill, than what is?
  • Fancy Coffee: Dunkin Donuts already recovered from everyone quitting donuts by transitioning into coffee shops. If basic people are already addicted to pumpkin spice, imagine how many lattes Philip Morris will sell with a double-pump of nicotine?
  • Cuban Cigars: Nobody knows what’ll happen with the opened Cuban embargo now that Trump is the President-elect and Fidel Castro is dead. Unless Philip Morris, an American corporation, buys out the Cuban cigar market. The cigars will be trendy, and the tobacco lobby beats the old Miami Cuban lobby every time.
| Filed under Sex Sells

Tyranny watch: California lawyers may be banned from banging clients

This country was founded on some basic freedoms, such as the freedom of speech, the freedom of religion, and the freedom to have sex with those you represent in court. One of those sacred freedoms is under attack.

In ban-happy California, the state’s largest bar association is proposing a ban on attorney-client sexual relations, as part of its overhaul of its ethics rules. Under the proposal, lawyers who debrief with their clients could be disbarred.

Freedom-loving lawyers are understandably against the proposal.

| Filed under Headline of the Day, It Must Be Science!

To boldly go where no one has gone before

We're proposing the twenty-turd century solution: beaming it directly from the colon and bladder into President-elect Trump's gold toilet.
We’re proposing the twenty-turd century solution: beaming it directly from the colon and bladder into President-elect Trump’s gold toilet.

The history of human space exploration is a saga of ingenuity, of smart men and women solving problems based on a limited understanding of the unknown with only a handful of observations and a lot of math. And yet, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration was forced to admit that it still hasn’t potty trained your average spacewalker. That, when we send our best and brightest up into the yonder to reach out and touch the face of god, it’s often with a fully loaded adult diaper.

So, if you can think of a better way to either store or dispose of 2.5 ounces of sh*t and a liter of piss every day for 6 days, then you clearly have the right stuff. It must work in an airtight escape suit, work hands-free and not sacrifice the astronaut’s air supply — either the actual air they breathe or Air Supply’s “All Out of Love” that plays on a constant loop in every space helmet.

Part of the issue is that NASA has been holding this problem in for way too long, and  they’re getting ready to take a very long trip to Mars. Diapers have worked for now in low Earth orbit, mostly because home and a new pair of pants has always been less than a day away. But, the further away you get, the longer astronauts may have to spend in spacesuits should, say, life support go offline.

NASA will give the winner up to (no sh*t) turdy-thousand dollars for their design. There’s apparently no prize for number two, though.

| Filed under War on Animals

Rudolph will deliver pizza in Japan

We were put in charge of the Earth by our creator some 300 years ago, when the universe was created. That means that we must bend the animals to our will. It’s just the natural order of things. Japan is working on that.

In what can’t possibly be a publicity stunt, Domino’s Pizza in Japan is training reindeer to deliver pizza during the winter. The company swears it is really working on this, citing an expected harsh winter caused by La Nina. Domino’s is having problems keeping the pizzas strapped to the backs of the reindeer.

If this ends up happening, the Japanese can stop worrying about a tip for the delivery guy.

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: Hot water edition

The fountain and Nickelodeon Studios was shut down for the same reason.
The fountain and Nickelodeon Studios was shut down for the same reason.

Hi folks. It’s been a couple weeks. Anything big happen? Oh right. Hey, so just remember that people aren’t all one thing. Trump voters aren’t all racists. Clinton voters aren’t all coming for your guns. There are certainly those elements in both groups, but people are wonderfully diverse and complex. We’re programmed to mentally lump groups together, and it’s easy to do that. We all have different experiences, priorities and points of view. We had a bad roll of the dice for leadership choices this time around. We’ll do better next time. Until then, let’s talk to each other and remind ourselves that we’re all living, breathing humans–except for the racists. If you were busy doing the mannequin challenge this week, odds are you missed it.

SeriouslyGeyser
This week, it was revealed that a man in Yellowstone National Park ignored all the warning signs and went up to a geyser looking to take a relaxing dip. He then fell into the scalding hot, acidic water and ended up dying. If that’s not 2016 in a nutshell, nothing is.

Heh, we said ‘titular’
Disney’s “Moana” will be coming to theaters soon enough, but when it opens in Italy, it will have a different name. The movie is named after its lead. The titular character is a Polynesian princess that goes on some sort of an adventure. But in Italy the movie will be called “Oceania” because the name Moana is closely associated there with an adult film star Moana Pozzi. This is name change is expected to save millions of Italian men from going to the wrong movie.

Fashion person thinks she’s important
Designer Sophie Theallet has pledged to not dress future First Lady Melania Trump, and is encouraging other designers to do the same, because ohgodwhocaresit’sjustclothes.

| Filed under Profiles in Sadness, War on Animals

Bagged salad is sadness, Salmonella risk

Don't eat sad, filthy bags of pre-cut salad. Veg out with your wedge out.
Don’t eat sad, filthy bags of pre-cut salad. Veg out with your wedge out.

Contrary to countless of stock photos, our salads are nothing to laugh at. Bagged salad is already sad because, seriously, lettuce is like the easiest thing to chop in the world. It’s thin, doesn’t run around or get blood everywhere and is excellent practice for emergency brain surgery. But, it’s also a Salmonella risk — which means you might as well have had chicken or fish instead.

Part of the problem is the bag. The lettuce is cut and put in moistened bags to preserve leafiness. But, that same moisture leeches nutrients out of the cut leaves, which becomes a breeding ground for bacteria. Basically, it’s a sealed terrarium for diarrhea.

So, if you’re going to veg out, do it with your wedge out — the whole damn thing. Or, at least eat your sad, pre-made salad in one go. Or eat an animal. We’re at war.

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Weekend science: Drink before you smoke

Everyone knows that smoking is bad. Many people know that drinking and smoking is fun, but we now know that drinking when smoking can be good for you.

According to a published scientific study that has no chance of ever being pulled or refuted, if you drink a couple glasses of red wine before lighting up, you may block some of the damage from tobacco smoking. Turns out, red wine’s benefits on your cardiovascular system can block the short-term negative effects that cigarette in your hand will have on your arteries.

So smoke ’em if you got ’em, but knock a couple back first. We may be enablers, but we don’t want you to die.

| Filed under War on Animals

Deer prove they are superior runners

Deer hate us, which is why they throw themselves in front of our cars on dark nights. But it turns out they just hate us moving in general.

A herd of deer charged at a college cross country race in in Pennsylvania last weekend. Justin DeLuzio was solidly in the middle of the pack during the footrace, when a dozen or so deer crossed the group’s path. One deer ran into DeLuzio, knocking him head over heels. Bruised, but not broken, he got up and kept running.

The deer remain at large.

| Filed under Big Man of the Day

Real despots have curves

"We're doing the Lucy-thing where I try to keep up with the conveyor belt and eat all the carbs, right?"
“We’re doing the Lucy-thing where I try to keep up with the conveyor belt and eat all the carbs, right?”

Say what you will about the current state of U.S. politics (while you still can, anyway), but at least we aren’t North Korea or China.  Chinese web sites blocked searches for “Kim Fatty the Third,” a running joke about current North Korean leader Kim Jong Un’s expanding waistline as well as those of his father and grandfather in a mostly starving nation.

The Chinese government denies having any role in the decision to censor web search results. But, their Foreign Ministry seems to support it, saying, that

‘The Chinese government stays committed to building a healthy and civilized environment of opinions. We disapprove of referring to the leader of any country with insulting and mocking remarks.’

So, while China firmly disagrees with North Korea’s nuclear weapons development and missile testing (which has also fueled the “Kim Fat Fat Fat” movement — the still-allowed nickname), it’s adopted a hard stance against fat-shaming. Especially since Kim is probably the biggest purchaser of Chinese delivery in the world.