| Filed under Booze News

Bar closed for dogs, Petco says

People who have dogs accept many things. They accept that they will never sleep well ever again, they accept that their furniture is going to get torn up, and they accept that they can’t just leave town whenever they want. But they don’t accept dealing with hyper dogs.

That’s why dog owners bought Good Dog Pet Calming Supplement at Petco. Well, they used to, anyway. Petco has pulled the product off its shelves after the homeopathic medicine was found to contain 13% alcohol by volume.

Owners said they first suspected there was booze in it when after one dose, the dogs would start rambling about what a bitch their old lady was.

| Filed under Regular Post

New Hampshire to use bacon rather than guilt to spur lotteries

In a world of gimmick-laden scratch-off lottery tickets, the New Hampshire Lottery has created what might be the ultimate gimmick: a bacon-scented scratch-off ticket. Yes, a scratch and scent scratch-off clearly designed to target the Internet and millennial crowd, the New Hampshire Lottery hopes that the ploy campaign will create new engagement for scoring money.

The I Heart Bacon scratch ticket combines two things people love: the chance to win cash and the wonderful, enticing smell of bacon,” said Charlie McIntyre, executive director of the New Hampshire Lottery Commission.

It has all the benefits of eating bacon (the smell, the taste), except the actual consumption. On the plus side, it also lacks the cons of eating bacon (high cholesterol) … though it hasn’t lost the con of winning money.

| Filed under Regular Post

Act like ya been there

Have you ever wanted to try out a new career for a few days, you know, just to dip your toes in the water before making a life-altering leap? You can. All you need to do is look the part and act like you’re supposed to be there.

It worked for a kid in Florida. A teenager was able to stroll the halls of a West Palm Beach medical facility wearing a white lab coat that had the facility’s logo on it. No one, not nurses, doctors or security staff, questioned his presence. Quite a day, right?

He pulled it off for an entire month before being discovered.

| Filed under Regular Post

Drugs now possibly giving powers to people

Stay with us on this one.

A man caused a crash in Vermont. He managed to do so not with a moving vehicle, but with the powers of his body under drugs. WooOOOoooOOOOooo.

Actually, he managed to create a crash with his moving vehicle, but there might have been more to it. Having consumed LSD and pot, James Pollner proceeded to strip naked and run onto a highway after plowing into a vehicle.

Troopers say Pollner admitted to consuming LSD and marijuana prior to the crash. He did not say why he was naked.

I’m going to go with the LSD and pot consumption for the why.

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

News flash: Your job drives you to drink

If you drink heavily, it’s time to blame it on your boss, if you weren’t already.

According to a new study, the more hours you work per week, the more likely you will drink heavily. Researchers looked at thousands of people in 11 different countries, and basically, they found out what we already know: alcohol is the great uniter.

Also, slurring our complaints about work is something we all do.

| Filed under War on Robots

But what’s his opinion on Transformers?

Elon Musk believes in the future, a future that he hopes will not be dominated by the end of mankind thanks to killer robots. He’s been fairly loud in his opposition toward super artificial intelligence, considering it more dangerous than nuclear weaponry. In his defense, he has seen a documentary on the dangers of artificial intelligence on Netflix, so he obviously knows his stuff.

As such, he’s provided what’s obviously the greatest weapon in the war against robots: straight cash homie.

It’s a smart play. His donation of 10 million dollars (that’s billion with an M) to the Future of Life Institute, a non-profit designed to take on humanity’s risk via artificial intelligence, will be used to run global research programs, presumably through the use of artificial intelligence-run computers.

| Filed under Regular Post

Who’s up for a haggis sundae?

Americans are proud of their ability to ruin anything that tastes good, such as doughnut-flavored beer. But we don’t have the market cornered just yet.

In Scotland, they now have haggis-flavored ice cream. Finally, a desert that tastes like sheep guts mixed with onion, oatmeal, spices and more, all wrapped up in a sheep’s stomach.

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: Black and white films edition

It wasn't just blacks, greens and yellows were also snubbed.
It wasn’t just blacks, greens and yellows were also snubbed.

I’m not a huge fan of winter, since I’m not a kid, but this is my favorite time of winter. The hangover from the holidays is past, it’s too early to think about Valentine’s Day and it’s cold outside. The fact that it’s cold isn’t the good part, it’s that you don’t have to feel bad for not going outside, and no one really wants to be social right now, either. You can just sit inside, drink, and do whatever else you like to do while drinking. If you were busy considering a run for president this week, odds are you missed it.

Young people who don’t watch award shows upset
This week, the nominees for the Academy Awards were announced, and Twitter was all, well, atwitter with the news. Mostly, people were upset that all 20 of the nominees for acting awards are white, the third time it’s happened since 1998. Highlighting their point was the fact that “Selma” was all but shut out of the nominations. But everyone eventually moved on because a woman said a nominee’s name was “Dick Poop.”

Penn State gets back to looking the other way
Under a proposed agreement with the NCAA Penn State’s football team’s vacated wins from 1998 to 2011 will be reinstated, making Joe Paterno once again the winningest coach. For those of you keeping score at home, the punishment for molesting children is 30 years minimum in prison, and the punishment for allowing a sexual predator to molest dozens of children for decades by systematically sweeping problems under the rug is acting like you didn’t win some games for a little over two years.

Earlier this month, the new, Republican-controlled Congress began its first session, vowing to end gridlock on the Hill and show that the GOP can govern. House Speaker John Boehner today posted 12 GIFs of Taylor Swift in a snarky response to President Barack Obama’s plan for two free years of community college. When did Boehner hire BuzzFeed as his press secretary?

| Filed under War on Animals

Abnormal animal-watch 2015 has already begun

Animals! We are at war with them and as such, it is of the utmost importance to monitor their more … aberrant warriors. But don’t worry! Most of the time, we take care of the problem.

Like in Boise, Idaho! A fisherman was able to catch an unusually fat rainbow trout. Unfortunately, the simpleton proceeded to release the animal back into the wild. We’re unsure if the animal was simply large or with spawn due to his mistake, but I’m sure a proper punishment will be sent.

That said, in Spartansburg, South Carolina, a farmer has preserved a two-headed calf. The farmer is claiming he’s keeping it due to its rarity, but while some might make the claim that such an action is more than a little morbid, we support all trophies to keep our enemies in line.

| Filed under Regular Post

Lawsuit: Rick Springfield shouldn’t crowd surf

Ladies, stay away from Rick Springfield’s ass. It could be considered a dangerous weapon.

A woman is suing the 1980s pop singer, saying his ass injured her during a concert in 2004. Why has it taken more than a decade for this suit to make it to court? Imagine the trauma and shame of having to publicly admit you attended a Rick Springfield concert.