| Filed under Eat My Sports

Eat My Sports: The Exorcism of Derrick Rose

One of my biggest problems as a sports fan, and I think a lot of people come across this problem when their teams continually find epic ways to suck, is I am a sports masochist. Specifically, in my lifetime, it has been being a fan of the New York Knicks.

In the past 16 years it has been one embarrassment after another. Whether it was the truly awesome experience of having Stephon Marbury (one of two professional athletes I can name with a tattoo on their face, but at least Mike Tyson is funny), the relentless overpaying of past their prime ballhogs, or the mortgaging of over five years worth of draft picks to get Carmelo Anthony when he was going to be a free agent later in the year anyways.

Simply put, the New York Knicks keep finding even worse ways to make you feel optimistic. Enter Derrick Rose. Continue reading

| Filed under Regular Post

When Twinkies go bad

Not only are the White Peppermint Twinkies #basic, but Twinkie the Kid’s scarf game is on. point.

As The Guys get older, we find that life has fewer and fewer certainties every year. Until recently, we assumed that the Golden Globes are less political than the Oscars. That reality television has no bearing on actual reality. That Twinkies will never, ever go bad.

That’s right: Hostess voluntarily recalled Twinkies — the food that is supposed to sustain us during whatever apocalypse is trending right now — for containing salmonella. Of course, we weren’t betrayed directly by Twinkies. They just happened to be made with milk powder that was recalled.

Also, it was only the White Peppermint Hostess Twinkies. So, those Twinkies were already bad and/or #basic.

| Filed under Regular Post

Von Miller farts a lot

A locker room is a smelly place, but evidently, a locker room with Von Miller is much, much worse.

The Denver Broncos have a fart tax of $500. If someone smells it, and you dealt it, you’re fined $500. That’s enough to pucker many a butt hole, except for Miller’s. According to reports, he was fined $15,000 during the season for his farts. The fart tax seems to have been applied to only Miller.

In a locker room of over 50 dudes, there’s got to be a lot of farting going on, so the athletes are probably used to it. But Miller’s farts are so bad these guys had to impose a fine on him.

Why is a guy with such a smelly butt the spokesman for Old Spice?

| Filed under Booze News

Budweiser, Keurig want you to make instant beer

If only we could just drink one at a time somehow.

It is truly a wonderful time to be alive. There are thousands of different craft beers released every day–so many that you will never come close to trying them all, because even if you had access and money to buy them all, you’d probably die of some alcohol-related illness. And soon, we could have an instant beer maker.

Anheuser-Busch InBev, one of the world’s largest brewers, and Keurig, maker of the machine that lets you make one cup of coffee at a time, have teamed up to make a machine that makes single-serving beer. This is a genius move. Drinkers have always said that the problem with beer is that it’s not readily available for purchase in single-serving sizes. You have to brew a whole pot of beer and then drink it all. And no one wants to drink more than one beer.

Critics will say there’s no way to make a decent beer instantly, but AB-InBev didn’t make billions of dollars by trying to make decent beers.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Zombies

Science: You won’t survive the zombie apocalypse

No one will survive — not even British actors whose American accents get less genuine and harder to understand each season.

You might as well stop stocking up on bullets and beef jerky. Science says there is virtually no chance that you will survive the zombie apocalypse.

A peer-reviewed report projects that in 100 days the human population could be virtually wiped out by zombies. In fact, at the 100-day mark, there would be only 273 people still alive. Researchers assumed that each zombie would have a 90% success rate of infecting someone daily, and could live 20 days without eating. Basically, it doesn’t look good for us.

Unfortunately, this report is crap. It was conducted by undergrads, as opposed to real scientists. And the things it assumes are unrealistic. Bites are a terrible transmission method for disease, for example, rabies takes a long time to infect you. The report also leaves a lot of things out. Are they fast zombies? Are they green? How many zombies are killed by humans? Are we all infected and once we die we become undead?

Worst of all, the report doesn’t even admit that zombies are already out there, which this blog has been warning you about for years.

| Filed under War on Animals

The Navy wants to protect a porpoise we’ve nearly finished off

It’s been a while since we talked about the U.S. Navy’s trained dolphins. We covered their deployment through the announced ending of the trained mammal program. Looks like these trained dolphin warriors aren’t done yet.

The Navy’s trained dolphins are going to be deployed for a purpose completely contrary to our interests. They will find and protect the last of an endangered species of porpoises. The Navy has offered to help Mexican researchers find their vaquita porpoises in a conservation effort. That means that we’re so close to finishing off these things, and our own military wants to aid a foreign enemy.

We thought we’d never see the day.

| Filed under Regular Post

Facebook reverses decision, says Santa Claus is real

On Christmas Day, Facebook decided to be a Grinch. That’s when the site took away Santa Claus’ Facebook account and demanded proof of identification. In other words, Facebook didn’t believe in Santa.

We should remind you that Santa Claus is a real person. He really, truly, is on the North Pole, Alaska City Council, and he’s no stranger to firing up a funny yule log, being an outspoken supporter of legalizing marijuana. But Facebook didn’t believe in him, and chose Santa’s biggest day of the year to say so. Imagine you have been out delivering presents to all the good girls and boys all night long, only to come home in the morning and find Facebook has deactivated your account.

But the jolly fat guy didn’t let it slow him down. He sent Facebook multiple forms proving his identity, and his account was reactivated just before the New Year.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Walk like an emperor (penguin)

German doctors have also prescribed the proper PPE for walking across ice.

After more than 750 emergency calls and full emergency rooms two years ago due to untreated ice in Germany, the authorities have a plan in place for sub-freezing temperatures this weekend. No, it doesn’t involve actually treating the streets and sidewalks. German doctors instead suggest walking like a penguin so that their people are less likely to slip and fall onto their lederhosen or spiky helmets.

The issue stems from how your average human balances their weight when walking. Normally, we distribute our weight across both the front and back foot, which makes us more likely to fall when one foot slips. But, leaning forward over the front foot each step (which definitely needs to be clarified because we did not picture penguins doing that when walking), we’re more stable. Unless the front foot you’ve put all your faith in slips — then f*ck you.

What’s a little surprising is that the Germans chose to put all their weight on the front foot instead of the back. We’ve never seen a goose slip on ice before, so why not recommend goose stepp-

Oh. Ohhhhh.

| Filed under War on Robots

U.N. joins the War on Robots

Every now and then the United Nations does something that gets politicians suggesting that we should leave or defund the international organization designed to avoid world wars. But we now have a solid reason to support the U.N. forever and ever.

The international organization has said it will examine the dangers of developing weaponized artificial intelligence, better known as killer robots. This is a step toward the all-out banning of robots that don’t need you controlling them to kill people. And that would greatly increase our odds of avoiding the machine uprising we all know is coming.

Considering how U.N. resolutions stamped out human rights violations, we think this could stop the war before Judgment Day happens.

| Filed under Regular Post

Forceps beat forceps

“Forceps?” “Forceps.” “Forceps forceps?” “Forceps forceps.” “Doctor.” “Doctor.”

Last year, we learned that only a good doctor with a knife can stop a crazy man with 40 knives in his belly. And now, in 2017, we know that in the Rock-Paper-Scissors of getting things left inside of you by a surgeon, only another surgeon with forceps can pull those forceps out.

Doctors in Vietnam removed surgical forceps left in a man back in 1998. He had carried them inside of him for 18 years unknowingly after treatment for a traffic accident, and doctors only found them in x-rays because of a suspected ulcer. They were not, however, able to remove The Offspring’s “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy),” which he’s been carrying in his head for the same amount of time.

The director of Bac Kan Hospital, Trinh Thi Luong, announced in an interview that “This is a lesson to all doctors,” before adding, “Wait, has anyone seen my phone?”