| Filed under Booze News, War on Animals

Drunken turkey frames college kids

Despite what the so-called media may report, animals aren’t innocent. In fact, some of them can be real jerks, as a few college kids in California found out.

The “official” story is that some college kids stole a turkey from a local high school and later returned it, missing some feathers and reeking of beer. But we know better. In Orange County, Tim the turkey somehow convinced three college students to let him out of his pen and take him on a wild ride. He likely plied the boy with alcohol, and got them in to trouble, as only turkeys can.

Of course, the kids were arrested, and the turkey was simply returned to its pen. Welcome to Obama’s America.

| Filed under Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: Tolerating unsolicited opinions

MLB and every stockroom in Wal-Mart may be the last wildlife refuges for the goatee.
MLB and every stockroom in Wal-Mart may be the last wildlife refuges for the goatee.

I love baseball. Probably because I barely watch it, thanks to arcane legal agreements that make baseball a cable-only sport. (Streaming only works if you’re not a home team fan willing to shell out for MLB.com because they black out home games. Or if you’re a much more technically literate person than me.) Point is: I can forgive baseball its flaws because it’s barely around to bore me 5 hours at a time most days.

The best part about baseball is that it’s a human story. The players aren’t hidden behind helmets and body-changing pads. Except for the HGH Era, they look roughly like you and me, questionable facial hair choices and all. And, like the rest of us, they have personalities you can actually see and hear.

That’s also the problem recently, as Curt Shilling really, really wants us to know about Muslims, Hillary Clinton and — in recent headlines — transgender women using the women’s room.

On the one hand, I respect Curt Schilling’s pitching accomplishments. On the other, he demands that I respect his opinions, which weren’t asked for and make him look and sound like a douchebag.

So, how tolerant do I have to be? Do I have to tolerate it when someone’s an unbidden jackass in a public forum? You probably know the answer to this question, but hit the jump to find out why we don’t have to tolerate it from anyone who’s just “expressing his opinion.”  Continue reading

| Filed under Stripper News

Stripper cop causes panic in Germany

Hot Cops.
Hot Cops.

It’s an old trope in movies and TV shows that a cop shows up to a bachelorette party and is mistaken for a stripper. But what happens when it’s the other way around?

In Frankfurt, Germany, was in a state of panic on Saturday night when reports came in from the red light district of a man with an assault weapon and a bulletproof vest with “FBI” across the chest. Police eventually tracked down the suspect–to a strip club. The man explained the fake gun and bulletproof vest were part of his act.

Because of the Thing Blue Line and all that, the stripper was allowed to perform that evening.

| Filed under War on Animals

George Clooney held captive by mating toads

Folks, the animals have struck and struck hard. We fear for the safety of George and Amal Clooney. Their property in England has been overrun.

According to volunteers, nearly 5,000 toads have been caught trying to infiltrate the Clooney mansion’s grounds to reach a series of ponds because it’s mating season. The horny toads are migrating under the pretense of multiplying, but this is merely a thinly-veiled assault on two of the most important people in the world.

We do not have confirmation of the location of the Clooneys, all we can do is pray that they are safe right now.

| Filed under Headline of the Day, It Must Be Science!

Bad news doesn’t get better with age, but it eventually goes away

"So the pills will make it look like this all the time ... but you're still gonna die in the next 20 years. *cough* What?"
“So the pills will make it look like this all the time, but you’re still gonna die in the next 20 years. *cough* What?”

Doctors are unsure of how to talk to aging patients about end-of-life care. According to a new poll, they know they have to talk to patients about it eventually. And, they’ll be having that conversation more than ever as 72 million aging Baby Boomers fail to die before they get old (in accordance with the final wishes of The Who). It’s just really, really hard to broach the topic of, y’know, natural cellular decay with a 60-year-old marathoner.

Originally, the costs of these awkward consultations was to be covered under the Affordable Care Act, but the funding was stripped out of the bill because stupid people who plan to die in shooting range accidents called them “death panels.” Doctors were off the hook … until Medicare stepped in and threw money back at the problem. Which is fine and all, but still doesn’t help them tell someone who thinks their only problem is a wind-socking erection.

Fortunately, The Guys have a solution — one that doctors already know: they can wait old people out. Self-solving problem.

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: DIY edition

"That one's banned. That one's banned. Ooh, that one too!"
“That one’s banned. That one’s banned. Ooh, that one too!”

Somehow I’m more turned off by the Democratic primaries than I do the GOP race. I find the Republican race of more consequence and much, much cruder, but out of nowhere, the Dems and their supporters have become intolerable. This week alone we had Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton trying to out-New York each other. Nothing says “I’m in touch with real Americans” like a pissing match for the most self-important city in the U.S. Then there are your Facebook friends who post 18 things a day about how great Sanders is, and how THE MEDIA IS AGAINST US, MAN! The media are a bunch of outlets with no common agenda, other than entertaining you. Blaming your problems on them is like blaming your fart on the dog. If you were busy (finally) retiring from basketball this week, odds are you missed it.

Taking the law into his own hands
It was revealed this week that as Texas solicitor general in 2007, Ted Cruz penned a 76-page brief with the U.S. Court of Appeals defending a state ban on the sale of sex toys. He unsuccessfully argued that Americans have no legal right to stimulate their own genitals–no, really. Folks, if we have the right to bear arms, we certainly have the right to hairy palms.

Time to probe some aliens
A group of investors and scientists, including Mark Zuckerberg, Russian billionaire Yuri Milner and famed physicist Stephen Hawking this week announced an initiative to send a bunch of tiny probes to Alpha Centauri, the closest star system to Earth. The nanocraft would travel four light-years in about two decades. So let the record show that when the Centaurian War is over, we fired first.

Use of electronic devices is now permitted
This week, AMC Theaters floated an idea to allow cell phone use at certain designated shows, arguing that it would be more appealing to younger moviegoers. The proposal was met with such strong criticism that AMC announced a day later that it was killing the idea. To which younger moviegoers said, “We know, we saw it on Twitter like an hour ago.”

| Filed under Regular Post

IT guy deletes himself out of job

If you have a job, you probably hate it — even though it’s Friday. It’s just a feeling everyone gets at some point when they show up to a place they wouldn’t normally go and do things they wouldn’t otherwise do in exchange for money. Have you ever thought about deleting your company? One guy did it accidentally.

Server tech guy Marco Marsala accidentally entered a command telling his company’s server to delete everything on it. You may not know a ton about how servers work, but you know that’s not a good thing. According to the feedback he got from other server experts on a forum, it’s just gone. The command not only said to delete everything, but to ignore all the normal warnings and just do it. It could be possible to recover all o the data, but experts say it would be extremely difficult.

This raises the question: Can you get fired from a company that no longer exists?

| Filed under That Wacky New Zealand, War on Animals

Humanity in peril after octopus escapes aquarium

Folks, there’s just no way around it, we’ve had an escape from one of the highest security aquariums in New Zealand. Inky the octopus is at large.

The story reads like long series of errors on the warden’s part. Inky the octopus had capture the hearts and minds of many kiwis. So much so they everyone kind of ignored him in a back room. Authorities say Inky, who was serving time at the National Aquarium of New Zealnd, escaped his tank by squeezing through small gap between the tank and its lid. Security lapse, right there. He then made his way across the floor a matter of feet and made it to a drain pipe that flows out into the ocean. Really, warden? You dug the prisoners an escape tunnel?

And now it turns out that this daring escape happened months ago. New Zealand is only now reporting to the world that a deadly octopus that now knows our secrets has been out there, swimming in the ocean, posing a threat to all humanity. Way to go, kiwis. (You’re welcome for not saying “eight-armed and dangerous.)

h/t James

| Filed under Scurry (Politics)

Rising polls: Korean politician may have bought votes for dude pills

One of the hallmarks of a democracy is voter fraud. Sure, we have our little scandals here in the U.S. And we learned that things in Romania are much worse. But South Korea may have everyone beat.

Today is election day in South Korea, and elderly male voters in one town outside Seoul will go to the polls with poles thanks to free erectile dysfunction medication. Korean authorities announced they are looking into allegations that old guy votes were bought off with free pills.

The allegations were first reported by the newspaper Dong-A Ilbo. If you laughed at that, you’re probably a regular reader of this site.

| Filed under Booze News

Americans are drinking all the beer in Cuba

President Barack Obama’s lifting of the embargo with Cuba wasn’t so much a declaration of peace as it was a declaration of war — specifically, on Cuba’s beer industry.

Now that Americans can travel to Cuba, they seem to be packing their powerful thirst for beer along with them on vacation. They are drinking the country dry. No longer satisfied with Cuba libres or banana daquiris, Americans want to sample the local beer while, and Cuban brewers are having trouble keeping up with demand.

But could this be a bad thing? If Yanqui tourists are drinking up all of the country’s beer, what will the average Josés drink after a long day’s work? A population with out its booze can get rather riled up.