Folks, you may have heard a couple weeks ago about how former MLB juicer Jose Canseco accidentally shot his left middle finger while cleaning his gun. (Which is why you should never, ever, keep Jose Canseco in your home.) It was hanging on by a thread, and surgeons reattached it, but things didn’t go so well.
Canseco said that the finger kind of smelled bad, but he ignored it – until it fell off during a poker tournament. That means that people voluntarily sat at a table with Canseco and his rotting finger, and there’s no way anyone could raise him when he threw it into the pot.
Apparently, doctors have reattached it again, so this is going to work out well.
It seems like winter has set in for much of the U.S. One day it was warm and sunny, the next temperatures dropped to near freezing, and some places even got snow. Forecasters are saying this cold snap could be hanging around for a while. It’s good to see that the real seasons are now operating on the same schedule as seasonal beers. If you were busy dangling on the side of the World Trade Center this week, odds are you missed it.
Attack on everything we hold dear
Photos of a nude Kim Kardashian appeared as a spread in Paper magazine, claiming it was attempting to “break the internet.” Folks, the world relies on the internet. It creates jobs, it makes markets run, it connects us to each other. It’s vital to the way we live. Kim Kardashian tried to destroy that for us. Lives could have been lost. We’ve got no choice but to declare war on her. Kim Kardashian must be held accountable for these attacks.
This week, the European Space Agency’s Philae probe landed on a comet after chasing it down for a decade. It’s the first time in history that mankind has ever landed a probe on something not the moon or Mars. Comet 67P/Churyumov–Gerasimenko was first discovered in 1969. It is estimated to be 3.1 miles long and 2.4 miles tall, which makes it roughly the same size as Kim Kardashian’s ass.
Russia’s natural enemy: the Gulf of Mexico
Russian Defense Minister Sergey Shoigu announced this week that Russian bombers will conduct missions that include flying over the Gulf of Mexico. He said that it’s important for Russian to maintain a strong military presence throughout the world, and they want to be ready to rid the world of Kim Kardashian, should she enter the Gulf of Mexico.
Everyone point at vaping teenagers and laugh! For the first time since the mid-20th Century, adults are officially cooler than teenagers because we don’t smoke robot cigarettes just for the sake of them.
Having made his name working alongside his pal Simon Pegg (mostly in projects directed by Edgar Wright), Nick Frost finally gets his own starring vehicle with Cuban Fury, a romantic comedy about a middle-aged English sad sack who takes up salsa dancing to win a woman’s heart.
Frost is a likable lead and an easy rooting interest, but his affability isn’t enough to give this silly-sweet feature the edge and dimension that would make it a memorable contribution to the subgenre epitomized by The Full Monty — comedies in which middle-aged, unassuming Brits discover their inner showman.
And we know this is part of a concerted attack by animals because Disneyland Paris doesn’t have a tiger. This Sher Khan is clearly a foreign traveler bent on destroying the French way of life, probably by peeing in a wine bottle or silently mauling a mime.
If we can recommend anything, it’s that the French start wearing masks on the other side of their heads. Preferably something they bought from Disney. With their tourist dollars, America’s most important European landmark should be able to turn this whole situation around.
So, a man, upset with his ex-girlfriend, proceeded to mail 15 live chicks to her. He can legally do that. Somehow. He’s being labeled as creepy, which really is a bit of overreaction. He’s not creepy, he’s simply slightly inconsiderate. The guy actually should have turned them into chicken nuggets before shipping the beasts off to her.
If anything, this proves a giant crime perpetrated among the human race. If I ship anything alcoholic, from a cheap, dollar airplane bottle of hooch to a fine scotch, no matter how safely and securely I package the bottle, I’m breaking the law and am a criminal. Meanwhile, our enemies, the animals, can be shipped all over the country, poop in their shipping box and not be labeled criminals?
Our tax dollars can pay for animal poop going around the country? That’s not right.
Summer may be long gone, but the enemy is still attacking the beaches. This time, they’ve set their sights on France, the most vulnerable ally.
A dead whale has washed ashore in France, the gasses inside bloating the carcass. We saw similar attacks earlier this year. It’s just a matter of time before those gasses are too much for the whales skin to hold, and KABOOM! French authorities are in a beat-the-clock situation, so naturally, they have no idea what to do.
Guys, I’m about to write something weird. I want you to know that this is, in fact, Rick Snee, and I have written the next statement with a clear mind and of my own free will.
PETA is right about something.
I know. It’s completely out of character for me to ever agree with them. We disagree at even the most basic level. For instance, PETA says it’s wrong to eat meat, and I say they have “pet” and “eat” in their names, so that’s a mixed message.