| Filed under That Wacky Australia

Citizens call cops, throw water balloons at Pokemon hordes

A sleepy town in Australia has found itself under siege over the past week. Without their consent, their neighborhood has been made into a stop for people playing Pokemon Go.

A park in the town of Rhodes has been swarmed with people playing a game where you look at your phone and walk places. Police had to be called in to evict and arrest people playing the game after residents complained of crowds of people making a ruckus all through the night. Residents even through water balloons at the swarm to ward them off.

The attack is said to have decimated the charizard population.

| Filed under Regular Post

Shave and a haircut: 10,000 bits

It costs $11,000 a month to maintain Bruce Willis circa 1992 hair.

French media discovered that President François Hollande spends nearly €10,000 to keep his hairdresser around. Hollande’s spokesperson, Stephane Le Foll, said that this is to help preserve the hairdresser’s income since he had to “abandon his salon” and often accompanies the French president on trips abroad.

See? This is a prime example of how differently socialism can play out in different societies. In France, hair is a right that is distributed from each according to his ability to each according to his needs. And Hollande, as someone who lacks ability to grow his all the way to his forehead needs more hair care, lest he look like Hulk Hogan.

French media’s handling of this story, which they’re calling “Coiffeurgate” proves one thing: by adding “-gate” to any minor issue of presidential peccadillos, they’re ready to hang with the Big Dawgs of western journalism.

| Filed under War on Animals, War on Robots

Navy designing robot to run in front of your car

The U.S. Navy is building robots, which isn’t exactly news. But the robots were kept to operations in the water, which fortunately isn’t where humanity lives. But now things are changing.

We have recently learned that the Navy is working on a robot squirrel–no, not a sea squirrel, which we assume is a thing. This robot is going to walk on land. The military said if successful, the robot would be used for reconnaissance. That’s right, the Navy is developing a robot based on the most annoying mammal in the world, and plans to use it to spy on people.

We’re beginning to wonder if the Navy is secretly run by animals.

| Filed under Booze News, War on Robots

Dumb beer trend: Artificial intelligence

We can’t get robots to pour a decent drink, but pretty soon they could be brewing our beer for us. The first step down this dark road begins with listening to the masses.

IntelligentX, which is somehow not a nu metal band name, is a brewing company, and it has produced four different beers with the help of artificial intelligence. An AI bot measured the feedback from people on the taste of the various beers, and gave the brewers tips how they could tweak their recipes to appeal to more people. The American Idol approach to brewing is going to ruin beer for everyone, and it’s only a matter of time before they put this AI into machines.

First the robots will kill our golden age of craft beer, and then they come for us.

| Filed under Regular Post

Pokemon Go to hell

There’s a major problem in society today. Normally, The Guys try to stay away from politics, because unlike other blogs, we know we’re just making stuff up. But this problem is so big, and such a threat to the future of the U.S., we need to make a stand. The problem of course is Pokemon Go.

Last week, the augmented reality smartphone game by Nintendo was released, and people who alternate between trying to relive their childhoods and complaining about the ruining of their childhoods could not have been happier. Across the US, people discovered what their legs are for, and it predictably went horribly wrong. Many Pokemon Go players are reporting injuries from walking around in the real world and not watching where they are going. Some reports say the game was used to rob people. Also, the game has turned the National Sept. 11 Memorial in New York into a hot spot for the game.

This game is stupid, hurtful and dangerous. Undoubtedly, it will enjoy great success in America.

| Filed under Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: F*ck it, here’s my story about a nose tampon

Everything sucks right now, so here's a true story about things going into and out from my nose.
Everything sucks right now, so here’s a true story about things going into and out from my nose.

So, I’m scanning the news today, per usual, looking for some bizarre or funny story to bring you. And you know what? There’s nothing funny out there right now. Everyone’s hurting and, naturally, there are no immediate answers because, while life is documented through stories, the complications of life are not a simple story.

There’s no simple ending to wrap up two years of documented indifference — at best — and hostility to black lives (and who knows how many years undocumented). There also isn’t a nice, neat resolution where the police officers who are fixtures of their respective communities go to work without wondering if they’re coming home again.

So, rather than try to say something trite about how it’s all going to be okay, and since I don’t have a story about whatever stupid thing Pepsi did today, I’ll tell you a story about something stupid that I did that led to a doctor shoving a tampon up my nose for a week.

Because, f*ck it, man.  Continue reading

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Stoned Age: Ancient humans used, traded cannabis

Thousands of years ago, humans were scattered across what are now Europe and Asia. They hunted, they fought the brutal elements, and they survived long enough to found Western civilization. They also got down with cannabis.

Researchers believe the three tribes responsible for populating Eurasia long ago also spread cannabis across the land. Scientists found that the herb has been found at archeological sites in Japan and Eastern Europe at about the same time, suggesting that ancient humans started using it for food and a buzz around that time. The various tribe may have even traded it. That means cave men were drug dealers.

But if ancient humans smoked cannabis, why don’t all modern European and Asian language share the word “Dude?”

| Filed under Regular Post

One second to madness and joy

Leap Dave Williams will only appear in a single frame flash like Tyler Durden in Fight Club.
Leap Dave Williams will only appear in a single frame flash like penises in Fight Club.

This year saw the return of the Leap Day and, with it, one day to live without consequences or regrets. (Unless, of course, you got engaged to that guy who wouldn’t ask you, ladies.) It’s a day of celebration, especially for people in their late twenties/early thirties who officially turned four-years-old on Feb. 29th. And now we’re also getting an extra second of New Years Eve!

To correct for the Earth’s slowing rotation, scientists will add one second to the tail end of Dec. 31, meaning the New Year won’t begin until immediately after 11:59:60.

Remember: anything that happens at Leap Second doesn’t count. Reality’s for 12:00:00, Jan. 1, 2016.

| Filed under Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, It Must Be Science!, War on Robots

Scientists teach robot to hunt, edge us toward Judgment Day

We don’t need to tell you that the world is full of evil, and by “evil,” we mean scientists. And those evildoers are actively working to enslave humanity by training killer robots. That’s not paranoia, they’re actually doing it.

Researchers taught a robot to hunt prey. It should come as no surprise that these scientists hail from the war-hungry nation of Switzerland. They programmed the robot to track its “prey,” a human-controlled robot. So not only will the machines be able to hunt us down, they will know to take out the robots we use to combat them.

This is unquestionably the most flagrant effort to doom humanity yet.

| Filed under Booze News

Booze ice cream is finally a reality

We’ve all added vodka to a Slurpee or made ourselves a Jack and Coke float. (No? Just us?) But what if you could enjoy a cool treat this summer that also give you a buzz. The future is here.

Booze is making its way into ice cream. Real booze, not just booze flavoring. The latest trend in frozen foods is alcoholic ice cream. You can now even find popsicles and sorbet with significant amounts of alcohol. The downside, of course, is the government. Because the feds are pretty strict on keeping booze and food sold separately, there are a lot of hurdles boozy ice cream producers have to overcome. That makes it hard to find, and possibly illegal in some states.

So, if you find any of these delicious treats, please send some to The Guys. We’re famished.