| Filed under Zombies

Drunk zombie breaks into apartment

By now, society is well acquainted on the threat posed by the undead. There are all sorts of shows, movies and other media telling us to avoid their bites and to aim for their heads. But they all fail to mention that the biggest threat is a zombie breaking and entering.

A man in Denver came home to his apartment one evening to find, to his shock and horror, a zombie passed out in chair. The place had also been trashed. When the victim woke the zombie up, it tried to grab a kitchen knife, and made threatening remarks. (Zombies are now learning to talk. Panic.) Rather than biting the guy who lived there, the zombie escaped out the door.

Now, the authorities who are trying to keep the public in the dark would have you believe that they caught and interrogated the suspect. They think you’re dumb enough to buy that just because this happened on Halloween night, it was a guy dressed like a zombie who got really drunk and passed out in the wrong apartment. If you read this blog, you know better.

| Filed under Facepalm, Scurry '16

At least somebody’s been watching our debates

We've got a great name to put on Budi Waseso's dream ...
We’ve got a great name to put on Budi Waseso’s dream …

OK, if we can get the Mexicans to pay for our border wall (not sure what they have against Canadians, though), then we can get the Indonesians to pay for a crocodile moat.

Government officials in Indonesia are trying to laugh away plans from their anti-drug czar to build a super-dooper-max detention facility for death row inmates. (In Indonesia, that’s anybody convicted of drug offenses, so they’re obviously running out of room.) National Narcotics Agency (BNN) chief Budi Waseso, however, says that he is not joking about his plans to surround a prison island with crocodiles, tigers and piranhas (oh my!).

And the best part is that he’s already testing it out for our eventual border moat. Waseso says that he’s already obtained two crocodiles to study their aggression and figure out the perfect mix with piranhas to maximize convict lethality while also keeping them from eating each other.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Study: You people are gross

If you use someone else’s shower, you may want to bring your own bleach.

According to a recent study, 61% of Americans say they pee in the shower. Yes, most people think it’s acceptable to relieve themselves in the same place that they and others clean their bodies. Folks, it’s undeniable that there’s a convenience factor in emptying the tank in the shower, but the ability to control our bladders and not just go where we’re not supposed to is what separates us from wild beasts.

The survey also found that 41% pee in pools, which you may note, is also not a toilet, you animals.

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: Full cup edition

Bloomingdale's holiday ad campaign was inspired by the "Blurred Lines" video.
Bloomingdale’s holiday ad campaign was inspired in look and language by the “Blurred Lines” video.

Television has made a lot of advancements over the decades. But as I watched last night’s Jets-Bills game (there was nothing else on) I wondered if color TV was a misstep. Nike introduced the first of their “color explosion” jerseys last night, and they are aptly named. The Bills were decked out in cherry red from the shoulders down, while the Jets were pretty much solid green. It was like watching a bunch of fire hydrants against fake Christmas trees. As if a matchup like that isn’t hard enough to watch normally. If you were busy kicking the media out of your protest this week, you missed it.

Give the gift of unwelcome sexual advances
Fresh off the Starbucks red cup outrage–whatever it was–another company has offended holiday shoppers more than a month away from the holidays where people buy things for other people. Bloomingdale’s, which apparently is still a thing, ran an ad this week suggesting that you “spike your best friend’s eggnog when they’re not looking.” That’s undeniably rape-y sounding, but what’s more offensive is that Bloomingdale’s assumes that I would associate with anyone who drinks eggnog that doesn’t have booze in it, much less call them a BFF.

Team Gavin
This week, reports surfaced that the reason Gwen Stefani is divorcing Gavin Rossdale is that she found pictures and messages between the Bush frontman and the nanny going back for years on an iPad synced to his iPhone. So please explain to your niece or nephew who these people are and why this is important.

Shots put in shot putters
It was revealed this week that there was widespread doping on the Russian Olympic team during the 2012 Summer Olympics in London. Observers say the first clue was when a Russian pole vaulter broke a pole over his knee and then cleared the 20-foot bar without it.

| Filed under Regular Post

Never tip a server who gives you crabs

Finally, you don't have to tip the person calling you out on our most easily exploitable physical features.
Finally, you don’t have to tip the person calling you out on our most easily exploitable physical features.

The United States is a country founded on and has thrived on deviating from accepted practices. It’s the basis of our economic system, capitalism, which rewards those who provide the best value to customers. (Well, except for slavery. In that case, it turned out that lower labor costs didn’t outweigh cheap cotton. Or sharecropping. Or child labor. Or disenfranchised women’s labor. Or … you get the idea. Otherwise, capitalism good.)

So, we wish all the best for Joe’s Crab Shack, which will be the first major restaurant chain to do away with tipping, opting instead to pay their wait staff an actual living wage of $14 an hour.

Why Joe’s Crab Shack? Simple: would you tip anyone who gave you crabs?

This is the opposite of Dick’s Last Resort, where you don’t tip the servers because it only seems like a good idea to pay to be insulted.

| Filed under Booze News, War on Animals

Polar bears love red wine

When you’re out in the wild, you’re often at the mercy of nature. And even in large groups, not even your booze is safe.

A film crew from BBC (it’s not “Dr. Who” or “Downton Abbey,” so we won’t bother naming the show) was shooting somewhere way up North. When they returned to their cabin, they found that a polar bear had broken in and stolen some food. The beast later came back while the crew was in the cabin, and in a brazen act, took nearly all of the food left, plus the red wine they had.

We can only assume the polar bear now has purple all over its mouth, so it should be easy to catch.

| Filed under Booze News, Drunk of the Day

France gets liquid courage to defend liquid courage

Mondieu! He just will not shut up about how he's never too hung over for his morning barre class. Where's the wine?
Mon dieu! He just will not shut up about how he’s never too hung over for his morning barre class. Where’s the wine?

France gets a bad rap for avoiding conflict, even as they get more involved in NATO actions in the Middle East. But, there is one fight they will never back down from: serving wine with dinner.

French President Francois Hollande is almost set to receive the first visit from an Iranian president to Europe in a decade. The only hitch not sorted out yet is when he and his counterpart, President Hassan Rouhani, will eat. The two were supposed to have dinner, but Rouhani requested a halal dinner, including no alcohol served — even wine, which like barely counts as booze in France. (Babies drink it there, for god’s sake.)

Well, a dinner without a properly paired wine? In Paris-freakin’-France? Impossible! Besides, who can tolerate a teetotal-ling religious fanatic without at least a glass of Jesus juice? So, France called it off, and offered up an unfermented breakfast.

And wouldn’t you know it, but Iran rejected the breakfast deal because it appeared too, and we quote, “cheap.” Which, yes, it would be if you’re eating halal breakfast. No bacon or sausage? Not even a mimosa? That’s just eggs and maybe waffles, or, according to our budgetary estimates, Some Trifling Bullsh*t.

But, that’s what happens when you go to a drinker’s house and, rather than be happy with the soda you brought, force everyone else to abstain from the only thing that can make you interesting. Good for you, President Hollande — you’re our Drunk of the Day!

| Filed under Scurry (Politics)

British lawmaker can’t find the R2-D2 shoes she is looking for

The Democratic and Republican presidential debates serve as a reminder that for some reason portions of us think these people are worthy of leadership. The rest of us just have fun watching Jeb Bush humiliate himself. But even so, it’s nice to know that politics aren’t all prim and proper overseas, either.

Angela Rayner is a member of parliament in the British House of Commons. She wanted to buy a pair of shoes, but they were sold out. So she wrote a strongly worded letter to the shop that sold the shoes, and did so on House of Commons letterhead. An MP used official letterhead to complain about shoes. Scandalous, right? She was complaining that she wasn’t able to buy some high heels with R2-D2 on them.

This is the internet, so nothing Star Wars is outrageous for many people. But can you imagine if Nancy Pelosi strolled into the Capitol one day in shoes that had C-3PO on the heel?

| Filed under Booze News

Drunk man brings real shotgun to Civil War battle reenactment

Some say we’re still fighting the Civil War today. Kind of like the O.K. Coral shootout.

Police responded to a call of shots fired at a Civil War battle reenactment, which would seem like a waste of resources, except someone was actually shooting at people. According to authorities, Gary Alen Lane was drunk and wielding a sawed-off shotgun at history enthusiasts reenacting the Battle of Honey Springs in Oklahoma. (Apparently there really was a Civil War battle out there.) He was arrested after a minor struggle when police found he shot into a tent where nine reenactors were.

Only one man was struck by a single pellet, in the arm. But because these guys were so true to their hobby, the man’s arm was hacked off and he later died of infection.

| Filed under Eat My Sports

Eat My Sports: Trollasaurus Rex

This coming Thursday night is the much antici.. the huge match…. the first game Buffalo Bills foot enthusiast Rex Ryan will coach against his old team, the New York Jets. Ryan, who has always given the media more than they need to work with for headlines and fluff for articles has been extra active this week.

First, he made IK Enemkpali captain for this week’s game. If that name sounds familiar, it’s because he’s the guy who clocked Geno Smith 10 weeks into an injury to start the season. Then today, he took shots through a journalist at Jets quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick (who supports no shave every month, not just November) attacking his attractiveness. Fitz has five kids, for the record.

Stunts like these really prove that while Ryan is a locker room favorite, his focus while appearing to be game oriented, are nothing more than just a game to keep his team in the headlines. And while winning occasionally, the focus of Ryan seems to be on attacking people off the field, and making honorary captains out of the people who do the same.