| Posted in Regular Post

Devil may care: Satanists quarrel in Detroit

In case you haven’t heard, it’s not the best time to be in Detroit. Tax revenue is gone, jobs are scarce, crime is up, fires are up, drugs are up (probably). It’s like all hell has broken loose. Now it finally has.

A Satanist group is moving into the Detroit metro area (widely scene as a hellhole), and they are seeing some protests. What’s surprising is that those protests are coming from Satanists that already live there. The original Satanist group is spitting hellfire at the newcomers because they don’t really worship Satan, which is kind of the point of Satanism. Rather, these upstarts are atheists and use logic and reason. But “Reasonism” just doesn’t sound as likely to make your parents ashamed.

It’s comforting to see that Satanism is just like any other religion: given enough time, people will start to fight amongst themselves about who worships correctly. Only in this case, being called a heathen isn’t really an insult.

| Posted in Eat My Sports

Eat My Sports: deactivated

With the NFL these days, it’s hard to tell whether you want to watch it, or turn it off for good. While the Ray Rice situation may have made us thought we had reached the bottom of the barrel, Adrian Peterson has reminded us that things can always get worse.

I got spanked as a kid, and probably because I deserved it. But the thing that everyone kept bringing up since Friday, and I totally agree with: spanking is one thing, beating your kid until there is blood and scars is another.

Peterson, I believe, more so than Rice, deserves to be banned from the league. Because while Rice has an isolated incident, we are seeing a pattern I from Peterson that is having him abuse multiple children and it is being tolerated by the Vikings by allowing him to play. Rice got his judgement, then was given double jeopardy by the league, but Peterson is being allowed to skate, simply because a video doesn’t exist.

If Roger Goodell doesn’t step up now to make an example, he may as well step down, because he’s saying you can be held accountable for beating your wife, but not your children.

| Posted in What a Reach!

Taco Bell customers are still the worst

How many of you have seen Falling Down? In one scene in the movie, Michael Douglas’ character is just late enough to a McDonald’s that they’ve switched from their breakfast menu to their lunch menu. Douglas proceeds to shoot into the ceiling with a machine gun he has on hand (you have to see the movie) while venting his frustration. The point is that the guy, despite may having a bad day, is an a-hole for doing such a thing. It’s just a McMuffin.

Taco Bell customers are just the same, if not worse (warning: autoplay). In Tucson this past weekend, because of a woman’s order, the menu switched from breakfast to lunch menu. This infuriated the couple in the drive-thru behind her. They proceeded to hunt her down, scream obscenities at her and attack her.

No matter what Taco Bell says, their food is not worth the meat paste gun it’s caulked out of, much less worth coming to blows over. It’s still horrible food.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!

Your boss may be a psycho

You hate your boss. You think he or she does a terrible job of managing employees, and that you could do a better job. More so, you think your boss is a psycho. You may not be wrong on that last one.

According to a peer-reviewed study by an undergraduate student, there could be a higher level of psychopaths in managerial positions because they are able to manipulate tests that companies give in ways that hide their true nature. So if your boss is manipulative, lacking of empathy, and a known liar, you may just have psychopath for a boss. We don’t suggest comparing business cards with them.

| Posted in Facepalm, How To

How To: Fit the new iPhone to your pants

You've wasted origami on fake problems when you could be retiring skinjobs, you Blade Runner, you.
You’ve wasted origami on fake problems when you could be retiring skinjobs, you Blade Runner, you.

While Apple has delivered tools to improve our work efficiency and ability to browse pornography in the bathroom, that convenience can also create problems. Fortunately, “lifehackers” are here to solve the downsides to being bored, middle class and adverse to going to a store to see how big things are before buying them.

Take, for instance, the new iPhones 6 and 6-Plus. Because they’re not in stores yet, how are we supposed to know which model will fit our pants?

You could print out paper models or test pocket the Motorola Moto X and Samsung Galaxy Note 3, as c|net helpfully suggests.

Or, you can save time by using The Guys method for sizing your next iPhone: look at your pants. Are the pockets roughly the same size as they’ve always been? Did you recently switch to wearing only breeches, or are you suddenly wearing billowy diapers under them? Can you feel how your current phone fits in there?

Then you should know if 5 inches of phone will fit inside your pants or not.

You can thank us by using your newly freed up time to find real problems to solve.

| Posted in Booze News

Profiles in drunkenness: Gerard Depardieu

You probably haven’t seen one of Gerard Depardieu’s movies in a while. That’s partly because most of them are in French, and screw that, but it’s also because he’s drunk and doesn’t care what you think.

In a recent interview, the French actor said he drinks up to 14 bottles of wine per day, and often throws in some beer, vodka or whisky for good measure. He starts drinking at 10 a.m., which means every day is Sunday Funday at l’Chateau Depardieu.

He has also killed a couple lions, which is better than anything you’ve done sloshed.

| Posted in War on Animals

Animals finally being used as the filthy ruples they are

Jellyfish are the worst. As Nelson Muntz would point out, there are at least two things wrong with that name: they’re neither jelly, nor fish. Here’s what they are: a floating, dangerous nuisance in our waters.

And apparently worth a fair amount of lookdown fish. Aquariums use their own subjects as a source of currency, trading one animal for another. Puffins are like Ozzie Smith cards, snipefish are like Bobby Bonilla and jellyfish are akin to Tony Gwynn.

We still don’t know what a lookdown fish is, but with a name like that, it can only be disappointing.

| Posted in Facepalm, Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarian Militia

Armed teachers already have a 100 percent success rate in eliminating threats

Here's one armed teacher getting ready to shoot an armed person in their head.
Here’s one armed teacher getting ready to shoot an armed person in her head.

Good news, RAM members and other Bandoleered-Americans: Idaho and Utah’s new laws that allow teachers with conceal-carry permits to bring their weapons to school are working! In only two weeks since Labor Day, a teacher in each state was able to successfully fend off a gunman with their own guns in their schools.

A chemistry teacher at Idaho State University shot an armed person in his classroom. And it was a good thing, too, because the classroom was full.

And in Utah, a teacher managed to shoot an armed person while in the bathroom before that person could reach the classroom with her weapon.

And that’s the beauty of the NRA’s “the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun” position: knowing a good armed person from a bad one can be complicated. But you don’t need to know who’s the good guy and bad guy if they’re both the same person.

(If you didn’t click the links, they shot themselves.)

| Posted in War on Education, What a Reach!

Because white people are dumb and easily confused

A Las Vegas woman has jumped into the spotlight because tourists are dumb. The owner of Isis Artistry, a makeup store, shares a name in common with the Islamic group. Because the memory of dumb people has only a four month capacity, people assume that the Isis in Isis Artistry is the same as ISIS.

As opposed to Isis.

Or Isis.

Or Isis.