| Posted in It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

It’s official: sex isn’t crap

It's also the Scots' fault when you have to hold hands and "make love for once."
It’s also the Scots’ fault when you have to hold hands and “make love for once.”

Just when you thought the Scottish couldn’t get any smugger (yet manage to stay British), get ready for the mother of all come-ons: the Scots invented sex.

Scientists discovered the oldest species to fertilize each other internally: a species of ancient Scottish lake fish. About 385 million years ago, Microbrachius dicki (yes, dicki) got tired of the old you-lay-‘em-and-I’ll-spray-‘em spawning technique in favor of a bit of the old in-out, in-out copulation.

Rather than do it people- or drunk people-style — you may call it “doggie” — the male and female fish swam up to each other side by side. And that’s where the magic happened, sidehatch-style:  Continue reading

| Posted in Regular Post

Crazy white lady does crazy white person thing

Starbucks’ Pumpkin Spice Latte has become a bit of a phenomenon. Arguably, it might be the thing that kicked off the “pumpkin-everything” craze that hits September through November for the past 5 years or so. We understand. We enjoy a nice pumpkin flavored beer. If people like the flavoring, like hyperbole, it’s fine in moderation.

But then, a crazy white lady had to do a crazy white person thing and go irrational. Sherry Lynn Gustafson apparently loves the Pumpkin Spice Latte more than her own kidneys, as she proceeded to buy 52 boxes of it from her local Starbucks. Gustafson states these will last her an entire year. Except

Gustafson plans to buy at least 30 more boxes.

Look forward to this story being updated with “Moline woman’s year of PSL joy hits midnight, turns back into pumpkin and dialysis.”

| Posted in Regular Post

Never trust your coworkers while you’re unconscious

The colonoscopy is one of the most feared things in a man’s life. It’s possibly more dreaded than death. But there are worse things can happen than the procedure itself.

For example, you can work at the surgery center where your colonoscopy is being done, and wake up wearing pink panties because your coworkers want to mess with you. That’s exactly what happened to one man in Delaware.

Understandably, he is suing for the “severe emotional distress” and loss of wages, though he probably should have waited until Movember to file it.

| Posted in You Missed It

You Missed It: All that you can’t delete from iTunes edition

"How about these iPods I found in storage? Anyone want them?"
“How about these iPod glasses I found in storage? Anyone want them?”

Sorry we missed each other last week. I was busy spending my regular-sized weekend drinking beer and whitewater rafting. Not at the same time, though. That would have meant a lot of spilled beer. Although going over the rapids drunk probably would have enhanced the fun and maybe helped me to forget how cold it was. If you were busy being named the Ebola czar this week, odds are you missed it.

Sorry, bloody sorry
This week, Bono apologized to the world for pushing U2’s newest album into the faces of every iTunes user ever. The frontman said that the band didn’t mean any harm to the people who complained about getting something for free, they just wanted to make a big entrance with the new album. Now if he would apologize for his last decade of work.

How does that even come up in an interview?
Author John Grisham found himself in hot water this week when he said he thinks that courts should go easy on guys caught causally or accidentally viewing child pornography. He cited a friend who drunkenly downloaded pictures of girls who weren’t 18 yet but was caught and labeled a sex offender. Public outcry didn’t care for his position. Grisham apologized, saying, “Yes, I believe they deserved to die, and I hope they burn in hell!”

The ocean is broke
Actor Leonardo DiCaprio, named messenger of peace and master of the universe by the U.N., donated $2 million to the ocean this week. Big deal, that old lady donated priceless jewelry to the ocean at the end of Titanic. (Spoiler alert.)

| Posted in Facepalm

What? Was ‘Putin on the Pepperoni’ already taken?

Those stupid Russians, amiright?
Those stupid Russians, amiright?

Russian civilians are not taking U.S.-led sanctions against their economy sitting down. The U.S.-lead sanctions in response to Russian military actions in Ukraine put the recently-opened New York Pizzeria in the far eastern region of Amur in the spotlight.

According to Russian media* (so, you know, take that how you will), angry Russian patriots filed a petition with the local government, demanding that the name be changed to something more patriotic. Just, you know, without any helpful ideas or suggestions:

Such a name conjures up images of U.S. symbols like the Statue of Liberty at a time when the U.S. is pressuring Russia with economic sanctions, the letter says, before asking if there are no Russian names for a pizzeria.

The pizzeria ended up changing their name themselves to Amur Pizza because people are dumb and Russia has about as much to do with pizza as Italy.

But, of course, nothing like that would ever happen here in freedom-loving America, right?

*Bonus: The comments are pretty damn entertaining and a nice break from the crap we find at the bottom of our own news posts.

| Posted in Regular Post

Clowns don’t think TV show is very funny

Clowns are getting a bad name lately, and they’ve had enough of it. The new season of American Horror Story involves a serial killer clown.

It’s just another harmful stereotype being perpetuated on TV, according to the oddly named Clowns of America International. The clown group says that Twisty the Clown does nothing but fan the flames of coulrophobia, or fear of clowns.

Clowns can be creepy by themselves. They don’t need help from Hollywood.

| Posted in MasterChugs Theater

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Rigor Mortis’

In the 1980s, Hong Kong cinema came up with its own version of a comic monster movie. It was no Ghostbusters, but Mr. Vampire, mixing traditional Chinese folk tales of hopping vampires with action and humor, proved successful, spawning numerous sequels.

Ostensibly in homage, Rigor Mortis stars Chin Siu-Ho — who played one of the main characters in Mr. Vampire — as a defeated, despairing horror film actor, also named Chin Siu-Ho, who moves into a crumbling apartment complex with suicide on his agenda. But this relentlessly creepy film takes its horror straight and contains little comedy. Continue reading

| Posted in Booze News

Kentucky makes the smartest move they can actually make

Buildings tend to be pretty useful, especially if you’re a human. They can provide shelter for humans! That’s great stuff! But you know what deserves shelter even more than a few smelly humans?

Booze. Sweet, beautiful, delightful, delicious booze. And Kentucky does have some knowledge when it comes to booze. That’s why a boom for houses has happened in Bardstown … warehouses, that is (SEEHOWCLEVERIAMYOUGUYS?!!?). With the buildings going up, so too does employment for the area.

Truly, as a great philosopher once said: “alcohol: the cause of and solution to all of life’s problems.”

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, WE DID IT!

This is the dawning of the age of the anthropocene

Welcome to the Anthropocene Period, where the entire world is our termite mound. Woo!
Welcome to the Anthropocene Period, where the entire world is our termite mound. Woo!

Get out your hippie skirts and aerosol cans: it’s time to dance amongst the tree trunks in deforested plains and skinny dip in the aquatic dead zones. We’re celebrating because this is the dawning of the age of the Anthropocence, age of the Anthropocene. Anthropo-ceeeeeeeeene! An-throoooo-po-ceeeeeeeeeeene!

The American Association for the Advancement of Science, along with astronaut and associate administrator for science at NASA John Grunsfeld, have coined the term for our current era. It is based on the period of time where humanity has directly impacted the climate, ozone, nitrogen and phosphorous cycles, oceans, endocrine disruptors and forests — all of which is now observable from space.

So, congratulations, humans! We’ve made our mark! Eat it, Holocene Period! You can go pound sedentary with those loser Pleistocenes!