Two-headed flatworms grow on space station

Based on a true story.

Earlier this week we told you that astronauts could be making their own crumb-free bread on the International Space Station next year. But we just learned that something equally unnatural was growing up there recently.

According to a new report, some tiny flatworms were send to the ISS and spent nearly two years up there. When they were returned to Earth, scientists found that some of them had grown two heads, one at each end of their body. Researchers also noted that the space flatworms were acting somewhat differently than their kin who have only lived on Earth.

We don’t know what this means, but you can be sure that it’s not going to be good for mankind.

Man getting away from wife robs bank, is sentenced to house arrest

After decades of marriage, some people start to resent their spouse, or at least that’s the cliche. Rather than just splitting up, some people go to extreme measures to get away. Sometimes those backfire.

Last fall, a 70-year-old man robbed a bank, only he didn’t leave the bank once he got the money. Instead, he sat in a chair and waited for the police to arrive. He told the cops he wanted to go to jail so he could get away from his wife. This is true.

We’re bringing this up the better part of a year later because this man was given his sentence for the bank robbery this week. The judge sentenced him to six months house arrest for his crime.

This could be cruel and unusual punishment.

Sandwiches going back to space after 52-year ban

Bread is thought to be one of the earliest and most universal foods made on Earth, but it’s been banned in space. That will all change next year aboard the International Space Station.

That’s when an experiment in baking crumb-free bread will be carried out on the ISS. Like your hippie neighbors, astronauts will be baking their own bread. The bread ban has been in place since 1965, when two NASA astronauts brought a corned beef sandwich into space during the Gemini 3 mission. Scientists said crumbs from the bread could have gotten into the circuitry of the spacecraft. And it’s been tortillas-only ever since.

But researchers believe they have come up with a way to bake bread in space using a recipe that shouldn’t create crumbs. No doubt it will be the Tang of the bread world.

Goose poop attack at Disneyland

Animals are out to ruin your summer. That includes those big summer trip plans you’ve made.

Disneyland became a scene of horror and panic last Friday night when a flock of geese attacked the most iconic attraction at Disneyland, the Sleeping Beauty Castle. According to authorities, the geese pooped on nearly 20 tourists, many of them children. The attack happened just as crowds were gathering for the nightly fireworks show. The cowardly geese could not have picked a better time for their attack.

A hazardous materials team was dispatched to clean up the victims, who are said to be recovering from the trauma, and were given a change of clothes by the park.

Pilot says both engines may not work, seeks vote on taking off

Airline pilots have rough jobs. They have to go through a ton of training, they work long hours, and they have to be on planes with other people. That’s why we shouldn’t be surprised when they honestly consider taking off in a broken plane.

Passengers on a flight from Malaga, Spain to Bristol, U.K. were surprised when their pilot asked them after boarding if they wanted to vote on whether to take off because there was only a 50/50 chance of both engines working. For those of you who aren’t great at probability, that meant that there was a very good chance the plane would only have one working engine for the flight.

Shockingly, the passengers reacted negatively, and a bit panicked at the thought of traveling on a broken plane. But the good news here is that a vote that mattered had a high turnout rate.

Pot pizza is here. Finally, a pizza for people who smoke weed

Medical marijuana has been on the rise throughout much of the country, even in Puritanical old Massachusetts. And while there has been no shortage of gimmicks looking to cash in on the trend, one place finally has a good idea.

A Massachusetts marijuana dispensary is now selling pizza laced with weed. For just $38, you can get a cheese pizza made with pizza sauce that contains THC, which is the compound in weed that gets you high. The pot pizza is only six-inches, which means when you get the munchies, the pizza’s not going to do it for you.

Finally, we don’t have to choose between New York-style or Chicago-style pizza. All the cool kids are ordering Boston-style.

Add R.I. rotting clam road to your summer road trip

Neighbors are the worst part of owning a house, aside from having to share your house with members of your own family. But what’s worse is when a neighbor gets creative with rotting seafood.

In Rhode Island, a man’s neighbors are upset because they say he built an access road using unwashed clam shells. This isn’t terribly uncommon in seaside locations, crushed up shells are a cheap and easy material for roads. However, the shells being used typically have been cleaned and have no meat in them.

The neighbors say since the man laid down the clam shells a week earlier, the whole area has smelled like rotting seafood. They can see clam meat on the shells and maggots feasting on it.

Neighbors are terrible, but the good news here is that thousands of clams were killed to build the road, and you can drive over them any time you want.

Peacock attack on liquor store leaves dozens sober

It’s summertime, and that means it’s time to sit outside and enjoy a fine beverage. Unfortunately it also means that animals are out trying to ruin our fun.

In a Los Angeles suburb called Arcadia, a liquor store was attacked by a peacock that wandered in. You are no doubt a smart person, since you read this blog, so you are probably wondering why a peacock was roaming free when they’re not a native species. Turns out there is a small population of them that run wild in Arcadia and they are protected, because L.A.

According to reports, the peacock entered the liquor store and immediately went after the store manager. The bird then flapped around for another 90 minutes as an animal control officer tried to catch it with a net. The bird knocked over bottles the whole time, and according to the store, about $500 worth of booze was shattered by the bird.

Because of the damage, many citizens in Arcadia will be forced to go sober. And after all this, the bird wasn’t even arrested.

Eat My Sports: Don’t get ahead of yourself

Yes, the NBA Finals have not been the epic battle we were anticipating going into the rubber match between the Golden State Warriors and Cleveland Cavaliers. But folks, please do not panic, at least not yet.

Last year we were in the same boat, with Golden State winning games one and two by a combined 58 points, so, I’m not ready to write this series off yet, for a couple of reasons. First off, Kyrie Irving is not going to play this badly for an entire series, his previous playoff history shows us that he will bounce back. Secondly, Kevin Durant and Steph Curry have been shooting lights out through two games, the moment one of them goes cold is when this is going to become a series. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Don’t get ahead of yourself

World is drinking less, despite Guys’ best efforts

We can’t do this alone, people.

Global alcohol sales were down 1.3% last year, and no one knows why. The world economy has been improving, and global gross domestic product was up 3.1%, which should mean that people around the world have the cash to go boozing, but they just aren’t.

It gets worse. In the U.S., which we don’t need to tell you is still in a craft beer renaissance, beer volumes are dropping because we’re not drinking as much. Over at Big Beer hegemon Anheuser-Busch Inbev, only Budweiser and Bud Light were able to stop the freefall they’ve been in for years.

The good news is that more Americans appear to be drinking liquor again, especially whiskey.

Citizens of the world, The Guys need your help. The brewers and distillers, heck, maybe even the winemakers, of the world are making booze for us to drink. Those bottles aren’t going to empty themselves. Let’s get to work.