| Filed under Regular Post

‘Fifty Shades’ coming to a high school near you

Watching movies in class was one of the highlights of high school, especially so if the movie contained nudity and the teacher forgot to skip past that part. Some high school students did one better.

In West Virginia, a classroom convinced their teacher to let them watch Fifty Shades of Grey if they behaved themselves, because apparently the teacher had no idea what the movie was about, and IMDB is hard. These luckiest of kids got to watch about 10 minutes of the film before someone at the school found out about it and had it turned off.

The school wouldn’t comment on what is going to happen now, but it seems pretty clear that the teacher has been bad and deserves to be punished, if you know what we mean.

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: Drone home edition

That Amazon Prime subscription isn't really worth it when the Secret Service shoots down all of your deliveries.
That Amazon Prime subscription isn’t really worth it when the Secret Service shoots down all of your deliveries.

Hi guys, so I won’t be doing this next week, because it’s the Friday of Memorial Day weekend, and I think we all know that you won’t be reading. Like you, I’ve got plans for the long weekend, and they involve driving long distances and probably sitting in a decent amount of traffic both getting there and coming back. Maybe if there’s a huge backup we can all get out of our cars and have an impromptu picnic like people do. I’ve always wanted to be in one of those. If you were busy falling off the stage during your band’s first gig of the tour this week, odds are you missed it.

Channing Tatum in: White House Drone
This week, Secret Service agents detained a man who they said was flying a drone near the White House, less than a day after the FAA declared Washington, D.C. a “no drone zone.” The man was released and given back his drone after he informed authorities that it was “opposite day.”

Toodaloo, neighbor-eeno
Voice actor Harry Shearer announced that after some 25 years, he is leaving The Simpsons. He voiced dozens of characters on the show, including Ned Flanders and C. Montgomery Burns. The announcement prompted the internet to simultaneously state that it hasn’t watched that show in years, while hoping that new actors are hired so that the show doesn’t go off the air.

Aussies value the safety of their sheep
The Australian government threatened to put down Johnny Depp’s dogs this week. The actor is in the country filming the next Pirates of the Caribbean film, and brought his two Yorkshire terriers, Pistol and Boo, in violation of the country’s quarantine laws. Luckily, Depp had them flown back to the U.S. before the Aussies destroyed them. Australia should be more concerned with the public health risk Depp himself presents. Mordecai, The Lone Ranger, Dark Shadows and The Tourist? That man is box office poison.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

The jerks will inherit the earth

You are a ... Cold Fish ... and you have ... 6 ... weeks ... to live. Thank you for playing The Love Tester! Have a nice ... 6 ... weeks.
You are a … Cold Fish … and you have … 6weeks … to live. Thank you for playing The Love Tester! Have a nice … 6weeks.

There are a lot of expensive, invasive tests to determine how much time you have left on Earth. But there are also cheap, non-invasive ways that have nearly the same results, like the Sit-to-Stand Mortality Test. (By seeing how long and how many limbs it takes to help you stand, doctors can calculate how far along you are in the line to Mr. Death’s Wild Ride. Being unable to do it at all is pretty much Fast Pass.)

But an even simpler way is to test your grip. The stronger your grip strength, the longer you will survive cardiovascular disease, cancer, falls, fractures and respiratory illnesses. It won’t prevent those things (well, maybe a stronger grip will keep you from falling), but it paints a simple portrait of how much strength you have to endure and recover.

Of course, this test will only work until people start gaming the system by only working their wrists out. And the research still isn’t in on the Pornhub Workout.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Robots

The computer speaking for Dr. Hawking says AI will overtake us

"What? That's not what I said! Computer! I said, bring me the head of Eddie Redmayne!"
What? That’s not what I said! Computer! I said, bring me the head of Eddie Redmayne!

Fresh from reassuring One Direction fans, Professor Stephen Hawking is back in the news. This time, he’s warning us about damn dirty robots!

Dr. Hawking theorized that artificial intelligence could overtake humans within the next 100 years, meaning they could menace The Guys in our new fitter clone bodies with bigger genitals. He believes , however, that this may not be a complete disaster, so long as humans develop goals aligned with those of AI.

This is the second time Dr. Hawking has spoken about AI recently, the first being a full warning that AI could spell the end of the human race. Although he’s softened his stance this time, this topic is of course very important to Dr. Hawking as we only know what he’s saying through a comput … wait. Did Dr. Hawking even say that?

… Did we type this?

Sleep tight, Internet.

| Filed under Regular Post

“Singing Sailor” is Sweden’s new defense against Russia

Things are tense up in the Nordic part of the world. Russian subs have been suspected of patrolling Swedish waters in the Baltic Sea, but the Swedes haven’t been able to confirm it, nor have they seemingly been able to scare the Ruskies off–until now.

A Swedish group has deployed the “Singing Sailor Defense System,” which consists of a neon sign with the words “Welcome to Sweden — gay since 1944″ and a gay dancing sailor which is now dancing away in the Baltic.

Subs don’t have eyes, and the Swedish group thought of that. The sign also taps out, “This way if you’re gay” in Morse code on repeat underwater.

Like we said, things are tense.

| Filed under Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: That ’90s Decade

We're even back to everyone owning the same giant cell phone, the iPhone 6 Plus.
We’re even back to everyone owning the same giant cell phone, the iPhone 6 Plus.

The turn of the 21st Century was heralded as a turning point in human history, so long as we survived the first second of it after all the banks failed and nukes launched due to Y2K. America was on top, Russia one of our closest allies and it looked like the world was ready to finally going to make all of our sweaters and running shoes without blowing us up.

What we got instead was basically the 1980s: the same music, decadence, banking crisis, inexplicable celebrity of Donald Trump and the over-proliferation of stand-up comedy. And the worst part is that we wanted, nay, demanded it. Anyone of drinking age, legal or otherwise last decade has an ’80s party costume hanging somewhere.

And now we’re halfway into the 2010s, and it’s looking more like the 1990s. Whether that’s by consequence of reliving the ’80s or by design is a debate I’ll leave for another day. But, we’re definitely embracing it more enthusiastically than we should. Here’s the evidence of why we’re actually doomed to re-experience the decade that inflicted Urkel on the world — the only time in human history when we didn’t TG that it was F.  Continue reading

| Filed under Booze News, War on Animals, Warrior of the Week

Chase the bear, then get drunk

"Yea, so, ah ... I mightah got hammahed and chased a f*ckin' beah last night."
“Yea … so, ah … I mightah got hammahed and chased a f*ckin’ beah last night.”

Camping season is upon us, which for park rangers means shepherding drunks away from wildlife. And, brother, this season is already booming.

The North Adams Police Department in Massachusetts reportedly took a man into custody to protect him from the bear that he was chasing with a hatchet. They then issued a warning on Facebook to “NOT chase bears through the woods with a dull hatchet, drunk” [shouty-caps emphasis theirs].

You heard the constables, folks. Sharpen your hatchets, then chase bears. And then, once the asthma sets in, have a drink. You’ve earned it, warrior.

| Filed under War on Robots

The future of elective surgery is here — for fruit

Robots could operate on you, they just don’t want to. Instead, they prefer to use their programmed talents on pieces of fruit.

In what is easily the most egregious example of the dysfunction of Obamacare, a video has been released of a Da Vinci surgery system robot stitching together a grape with a piece of its skin partially removed (caution, graphic grape surgery photos and video).

The only solace we have at the moment is that the robot is still controlled by human surgeons, albeit ones who want to undo all the hard work you went through pealing your grape.

| Filed under Eat My Sports

Eat My Sports: Brady bunch of balls

The most important thing in sports this week was revolving around a game that happened four months ago. That’s right, Tom Brady and his ball preference were the center of the universe as the world waited for the suspension and punishment to be handed down. Now, before you start groaning, Bryan McBournie and Pats fans, the punishment fit the crime.

The Patriots of New England have been known for years to be pushing the boundaries of NFL rules, this time the team got caught for violating them. Now, I’m of the belief that if Brady and the team had just been honest at the beginning and  said “OK, you got me!” this whole issue would’ve been dead a long, long time ago, that’s right, a reaaaaaaal long time ago. Continue reading

| Filed under War on Animals

Worldwide animal jailbreak!

These species traitors are not kidding around.
These species traitors are not kidding around.

In the media, we’re always on the lookout for the next big trend. So, if we’re able to connect two things — no matter how tenuously — and we do it first, then we are the new media gods. CNN, FOX, the Ladies of the View … bow down to your new overlords, for The Guys come bearing a news trend.

Two animal heists. One in France, the other very close by in neighboring Wisconsin. Both from zoos, although the one in Wisconsin is called the Special Memories Zoo, which indicates that it may or may not be a petting zoo for dying children. 17 rare monkeys were stolen from one, and a baby kangaroo and four baby goats (or, the rare monkeys of the Wisconsin) were stolen from another.

People, we don’t know why animal liberators are mobilizing and what their endgame is. But, it’s clearly time to panic.