| Filed under Facepalm, It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Pandas endanger smart cars

If you thought Smart Cars were slow before, just wait until they're supercharged up to Panda Grazing Speed.
If you thought Smart Cars were slow before, just wait until they’re supercharged up to Panda Grazing Speed.

Even though The Guys hate our animal foes and will stop at nothing to eradicate them in our War on Animals, we also respect them. We respect them because they’re worthy foes. Well, except the panda. But, we also respect them because there are certain things they can do better than us. Well, except the panda again.

Scientists in Belgium noticed that pandas can almost digest raw bamboo. Sure, they lack the energy to mate or maul a zookeeper like a proper bear, but, yes, they digest it. So, they’re studying panda poo to find out how their gut enzymes churn out a subsistence level of energy to improve biofuels.

If this isn’t a damning indictment of our current biofuels, then we don’t know what is.

| Filed under The McBournie Minute

The McBournie Minute: 90s shows aren’t as good as you remember

People call my generation “the Millennials,” which I’ve always found odd, because I grew up being told we were Generation Y, which sounds way better. I’m not a fan of articles lumping entire generations into a single term, as if everyone born within that 15-year time span had the exact same life experiences. I particularly dislike it because it’s always used for articles not so subtly asking, “What’s with these young folks, anyway? We were so much better when we were their age!”

It’s like the members of that generation completely forgot their parents’ generation was saying the same thing about them a few decades earlier. They also seem to forget that they raised the younger generation, and that they are in power to make the world a better place for these hipsters with their craft beers and skinny jeans. Nevertheless, sometimes these generational labels have to be used, because these demarcations exist in people’s minds.

So for classification’s sake, I hate that my generation is becoming as nostalgic as the Baby Boomers. Continue reading

| Filed under War on Animals

Spider tricks man into setting car on fire

This also took care of any nearby ants.
This also took care of any nearby ants.

Flames are generally the best way to eliminate any animal threat on land, but the smartest of our beastly enemies can use this information against us. Such a thing happened in Michigan.

According to reports, a spider sat on a car’s gas cap and waited until the owner needed to refuel. When the driver discovered the spider at a gas station, he used his lighter to kill the spider, and fell right into the arachnid’s trap. A fire erupted at the fuel pump, causing damage to the man’s car and the station itself. Luckily, it was put out before causing an explosion.

We may never know whether he got that spider.

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: Ugly cry edition

Keep it together, man.
Keep it together, man.

I’m having a tough time wrapping my head around the song for the new James Bond movie. “Writing’s on the Wall” is Sam Smith’s take on a theme song for spy thriller, and for some reason it’s slow and seemingly filled with self-doubt, which is the opposite of Bond. While the songs from Bond films are a mixed bag at best, at least they usually feel like they belong in a movie filled with explosions and easy women. The thing is, I can’t figure out which Tom Petty song Smith is stealing from this time.

The audacity of pope
Pope Francis started his tour of the U.S. this week by spending three days in Washington, D.C. He met with government officials, ate lunch with Catholic charities, and even addressed a joint session of Congress. The very next day, House Speaker John Boehner announced he will resign next month. No doubt because he allowed the literal head of a foreign religion to come in and tell us what we should do.

Das illegal
It was discovered this week that Volkswagen cheated on its emissions tests for its diesel cars for years in the U.S. and Germany. The company initially denied the claim, which means it supplied it, according to emissions playground rules. CEO Martin Winterkorn apologized and stepped down from his post. Worst of all, he has been uninvited to all the cool Oktoberfest events.

It’s officially fall
Port police in Philadelphia intercepted a shipment of 360 pounds of cocaine hidden inside pumpkins imported from Costa Rica, authorities said this week. Man, pumpkin spice is in everything this time of year.

| Filed under Sex Sells

What’s a nice girl like you doing in a monastery like this?

The Dalai Lama is already practicing coquetry for his newer, hotter life.
The Dalai Lama is already practicing coquetry for his newer, hotter life.

We’re not sure what’s going on with the Dalai Lama’s health, but it sure seems like a lot of people are making moves for his death right now. China’s trying to make sure the next Lama is reborn as a Chinese bureaucrat — which should be easy since every fourth child in the world is born Chinese. And the Lama himself is wondering whether he’ll be the last oneperfection achieved, Dalai out!

But, what if he’s not the last one? And what if the next Lama is a lady Lama (the Dali Alpaca)? Much like younger, Tumblr-using fans of James Bond movies and Doctor Who, the Lama is not against the idea of coming back as a woman. But, only on the condition that he’s really hot, OK?

The Dalai Lama had previously caused a stir when he said he could be reincarnated as a ‘mischievous blonde woman.’ Even then, he insisted, ‘her face must be very attractive’ or ‘nobody pay much attention.’

So, the next Lama will only live to the age of 24, 25 tops.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

Study: You were hotter when you were 24, ladies

Ladies, you’re all beautiful, no matter what your age. Unfortunately, guys think your attractiveness goes down once you hit 25. We’re not saying it, data is saying it.

Christian Rudder co-founded dating site OKCupid, and he’s got a whole lot of data about what his customers have said they look for in a potential mate over the years. The data shows that women find men attractive generally near their age, maybe a year or two younger. But to men aged 20 to 50, women look their most attractive between 20 and 24. Every single age group said this. It doesn’t mean men don’t find women attractive when they are 25 or older, just that they probably wish they met those women back when they were fresh out of college.

So ladies, make sure to find The One by age 26 or so, or say hello to spinsterhood.

| Filed under Regular Post

Charlie Sheen’s trash washes onto L.A. beach

This is the worst actor-related environmental disaster since Steve Buscemi's Atlantic City spill in the 1920s.
This is the worst actor-related environmental disaster since Steve Buscemi’s Atlantic City spill in the 1920s.

The Los Angeles County Public Health Department shut down Dockweiler State Beach after hypodermic needles, tampon applicators and condoms washed ashore, accompanied by a bacteria levels exceeding state standards.

At this time, health officials stated that what suspiciously looks like the afterbirth of Charlie Sheen winning was caused by a storm hitting a waste treatment center, but that’s probably only to avoid a lawsuit or bite from the former star of that part in Ferris Bueller. They would also not confirm the elements of Angus T. Jones in the tide of medical waste, but the water goes great with tiger’s blood and pornographic actresses.

But, seriously, though: we’d trade any of that guy’s given Tuesday nights for one of our Saturdays. It would probably be out last Tuesday on Earth, but nevertheless.

| Filed under Booze News

Bros drink bottle of wine

Why Crimea? Love like theirs isn’t legal in Russia.

Most people don’t cause an international incident when they visit a winery. But most people aren’t Vladimir Putin and Silvio “Bunga Bunga” Berlusconi.

While broing out in Russian-controlled Crimea recently, Putin and Berlusconi went on a tour of a historic winery (they’re European, they bro-out differently), and likely drank a bottle of wine treasured as Ukrainian history. They reportedly drank a bottle of 1775 Jeres de la Frontera, worth more than $90,000.

Perhaps the most shocking part of this story is that it’s not what Putin and Berlusconi did while they drank, it’s what they drank.

| Filed under Regular Post

Man gets free sample of knuckle sandwich

Old people: they smell funny, they move slowly, they hate technology, and worst of all, they call people out for being jerks. It’s about time their uppance came.

Which is why today we celebrate the actions of Derrick Gharabighi, 24, who punched an old guy in the face. Gharabighi was enjoying multiple samples of Nutella at a Costco in the Los Angeles area, when Sahak Sahakian, 78, came along to ruin his day. The old guy reached for the last Nutella sample, Gharabighi grabbed his hand, and punched him in the eye when he protested.

Because all old people have glass jaws, Sahakian fell like a box of Nutella jars. Sadly, Gharabighi has been charged with elder abuse, further proof that special interest groups like senior citizens run the government.

Thanks, Brooke H.!

| Filed under WE DID IT!

‘Happy Birthday’ free to you (but you still live in a zoo)

It's less training to sing "Happy Birthday to You," but the wait staff still hates you, Birthday Boy.
It’s less training to sing “Happy Birthday to You,” but the wait staff still hates you, Birthday-Boy-Over-Age-of-10.

People in family-style restaurants: rejoice! You’ll never have to hear annoying call-and-refrain alternate birthday songs while holding down some variation of jalapeño popper again. The 80 year copyright on the words to the “Happy Birthday to You” song is over.

Federal Judge George H. King ruled that nobody owns the words to the song, just a particular piano arrangement that was originally copyrighted in 1935. Warner Music, which obtained the copyright through purchases in 1988, had collected over $2 million a year by forcing movies, television, stage productions and even chain restaurants to pay royalties for performing it. (The latter was considered profiting off of the song, even though it’s more of a congratulations to anyone who survived another year of eating at Chili’s.)

So, get ready for a lot of television shows to have birthday episodes this fall. It’s about time Bart Simpson turned 11, anyway.