Christmas in England means dick for dessert

They celebrate Christmas a bit differently in the U.K. For example, they say “Happy Christmas,” which is just silly. They also eat some very different holiday foods. And this year, the big dessert hit is Santa’s Dick.

The creation is a confectionery log sort of thing its creators call a “seasonal twist on Spotted Dick,” which somehow the whole country can say without laughing. The difference is that where Spotted Dick has raisins in it, Santa’s Dick has spiced apples. And you can only find Santa’s Dick at one pub in the U.K. this holiday season.

Key Quote:

“I thought there was a hole in the lady’s dessert market that needed filling and I think Santa’s Dick does just that.”

Drunk opossum leaves rehab

It is shocking to this blog how animals can clearly violate the law and yet escape prosecution every time. It’s especially surprising that this happens in crimes involving alcohol.

A Florida liquor store employee found a drunk female opossum next to a broken bottle of bourbon, and had the police bring it to a wildlife refuge for rehab. The opossum apparently knocked over and broke the bottle of whiskey, and probably drank every last drop, because the bottle was empty.

The creature was no doubt slurring her speech and no doubt displaying other signs of intoxication, so she was pumped full of fluids to sober her up. And after a couple weeks of sobriety and intense monitoring, she was released into the wild again.

And yet, there were no charges for breaking and entering, destruction of property, theft, underage drinking, etc. The opossum probably didn’t even have to pay for its rehab stint. That fell on the American taxpayer. Leave it to a liberal nanny state like Florida to coddle its wild animals.

Scientists bent on creating super spiders

Spiders, despite having one time created a superhero, are awful. They are creepy, they spin nasty webs, and they’re probably plotting against us. But what if scientists gave them the ability to spin super-strong webs?

A team of researchers in the Italy and the U.K. have figured out a way to make spiders poop out webs that are so strong they can support a person’s weight. How do they do it? By feeding the spiders a graphene solution. The plan is to use the enhanced spider silk to make stronger parachutes or cables.

But we all know that it’s only a matter of time before the creatures figure out what they need to eat to create this webbing, and then they’ll start catching us all.

Oregon favors ‘don’t know’ for governor

Idaho is known as a potato-growing safe haven for right-wing militia groups. And they’re choosing a new governor next year. Right now, no one is going to win.

There are three Republicans and no Democrats in the race, and according to recent polls, “don’t know” has a clear advantage right now. A whopping 36% of voters said they don’t know who they will vote for, followed by Lt. Gov. Brad Little with 21%, U.S. Rep. Raul Labrador with 17%, and some local businessman you’ve never heard of with 17%. The primaries are just six months away.

None of the Above finally has a chance to win a race!

The Fitbit for your d%$k is finally here

Wearable smart technology isn’t cool or really even that useful. For example, smart watches are as cool as calculator watches were a couple decades ago. But damned if companies won’t stop trying to hook you: there’s now a fitness tracker for your penis.

Men, have you ever wanted to feel more self-conscious about your performance in bed? The i.Con is here to help! It’s a Bluetooth-enabled ring you put around your junk to track time elapsed, calories burned and pace. Think of it as a Fitbit, only not on your wrist. You can then upload your data to see how you rank among other dumb guys who thought buying this thing was a good idea.

But don’t put it on your Christmas wish list just yet, the i.Con won’t be available until January, and even then only sold in the U.K. The rest of us will just have to track our performance the old-fashioned way, by accepting the lies of our sex partners.

Extraterrestrial bacteria lives on ISS skin, cosmonaut says

If you believe the opinion of a Russian cosmonaut, there’s a very good chance that the exterior of the International Space Station is crawling with life from another planet.

Cosmonaut Anton Shkaplerov will be heading to the ISS for the third time next month, and he believes that bacteria samples that have been collected from the outside of the space station came from space, not Earth. Locally-sourced microorganisms have been found growing on the station before, but this latest batch is special, Shkaplerov claims.

The good news is that he says the samples are still being studied and appear to be safe. Yeah, safe — for now.

Bear arms: Siberian bear steals guns

To own a gun means you have a lot of responsibility. Chief among those is keeping your weapon secured when you are not using it, so it won’t get stolen by a bear.

In Siberia, locals are likely on edge after it was reported that a bear broke into a man’s cabin and stole two guns. The man said he went to a nearby river to get water, and when he returned, he hid when he saw a brown bear was tearing apart his place. The bear eventually left with a bag that contained a hunting rifle and an assault rifle.

The only good news is that the bear is probably going to hibernate soon. It will be much easier to disarm then.

There appears to be a penis in the sky

Some Navy pilots have gotten in trouble for doing what any guy with a jet would do: draw a penis.

The sunny skies over Washington state were marred when a Navy plane drew a huge schlong, complete with testicles, with its contrails. The water vapor shaped like genitalia is of course very funny, but like all funny things, someone has to ruin it by complaining, and it’s usually a mom. A handful of citizens didn’t appreciate the free anatomy lesson, and complained to the Navy.

In the greatest injustice of all, the Navy has apologized, saying the stunt was “unacceptable.” Your move, Air Force.