Broccoli coffee: Because you shouldn’t enjoy anything

If there’s one thing the Millennial haven’t ruined, it’s coffee. Although they have certainly tried. But here comes an earnest attempt to make the one good thing about mornings into something awful.

Researchers in Australia have come up with what they hope will be the next big trend: broccoli coffee. The Australian government teamed up with a private research group to come up with coffee brewed with broccoli powder to get people to eat their veggies, Vegemite notwithstanding. They make powder out of broccoli, and add it into the coffee and say it doesn’t taste that bad. Scientists say two spoonfuls of that crap is equal to a serving of vegetables.

Broccoli powder can be added into any drink, not just coffee. We give it a week before it ruins beer, too.

How to get free drinks for life: Get shot

Last week, there was a police involved shooting at a distillery/nightclub in Denver last weekend. That’s generally not fodder for a humor blog, is it? Well, the shooting was accidental, and it has a happy ending. We promise.

Last Saturday, an off-duty FBI agent was getting down on the dance floor, finishing off his moves with a backflip. The only problem is that during the backflip, the pistol in his waistband flew out. The agent immediately grabbed the gun, but pulled the trigger in the process, shooting someone probably in the foot.

Now, accidentally being shot by an off-duty FBI agent who shouldn’t have had his gun on him in the first place is kind of like winning the lottery on its own, because you know the feds are going to pay. But it gets even better, because the distillery has promised the victim free drinks for life.

See? Happy ending.

Aliens come to Earth to mess with S.C. politics

An alien race is threatening to invade if a South Carolina congressional candidate is barred from the first GOP debate. Just when we thought nothing political could shock us anymore.

Dimitri Cherny switched from Democrat to Republican in his bid for one of South Carolina’s seats in the House, but local Republican party organizers won’t let him be a part of the primary’s first debate. That’s when an alien named Hajdut Terheqeze, who kind of looks like Cherny if he had a weird cone head and huge goggles, took to Cherny’s Instagram to threaten Charleston County GOP Chairman Larry Kobrovsky with arrest, branding him an “intergalactic criminal.”

Terheqeze said his ship was in orbit, and his video seemed to show the USS Enterprise and the crew of the original series. If so, interfering with the politics of an uncontacted planet seems a clear violation of the prime directive.

Art smells like rotting, burning fish

Modern art can be pretty weird or boring. For example, rotting fish as art? That’s odd and not very interesting. Rotting fish spontaneously combusting? Count us in.

An exhibition of the art of Lee Bul in London had its opening delayed because one of the pieces of art caught fire unexpectedly. The South Korean artist’s work “Majestic Splendor,” which is a series of rotting fish with sequins on them, is one of the highlights of the show. However, it smells really bad. To combat the smell, officials used a chemical that isn’t flammable, but can increase how flammable other things are.

Majestic Splendor was in the process of being removed as an obvious safety risk when it spontaneously combusted. Luckily, the rotting fish and other great works were not damaged.

Mussels are hooked on opioids

Opioids: they kill pain, they destroy lives and they make it tough to poop. We thought it was just a problem for humans, we were wrong.

A new study has found that mussels in Puget Sound are hooked on opioids, too. Researchers tested mussels in 18 different areas of the sound, and three of those areas tested positive for oxycodone. And get this, the liberal hippie scientists in Washington state claim it’s not the addicts’ fault. Instead, they blame humans, who take oxy and then pee it out, and that pee makes it into Puget Sound, where the mussels absorb it.

The mussels say they just like to party and can quit any time they want, and they don’t care what you think about them.

This is what society has come to: hugging cows

We, as a nation, have gone soft. People don’t have any backbone anymore. We’re all so concerned about hurting peoples’ feelings that we forget who we are and who our enemies are. For example, people are hugging cows.

A farm in upstate New York offers a new service to interact with its cows and horses. This service isn’t to learn more about the enemy, but to cuddle with the beasts. For just $300, you and a friend can hug horses and cows for 90 minutes. Why would a person do this? Apparently some believe this therapeutic to be in close contact with smelly beasts of burden.

Hippie farmers say that being close to these animals and their slower heartbeats is soothing for humans. We call it treason.

Oven shoots man

How much do you trust your appliances? Probably too much.

An Ohio man was shot by his oven earlier this week, and police have yet to arrest it. According to reports, the 44-year-old man put his gun in the broiler compartment of his oven — as standard gun safety protocol dictates — because his girlfriend and her children were coming over to the house. Later, the girlfriend decided to use the oven, and minutes later, shots rang out.

The heat from the oven cause bullets in the man’s gun to explode. He was hit by bullet fragments in each shoulder as he tried to secure his firearm. He was the only one injured and is expected to recover.

Authorities have been unable to determine why the oven turned on its owner.

Zombies knock out power in Florida

Florida is a place where people go to die. But apparently they don’t always stay dead.

Residents of Lake Worth, Florida received an alert from the city that there was a power outage due to “extreme zombie activity.” Which means either they were zombies from the 90s, or they were very active. In any case, they had a beef with the power lines.

The frank explanation of the reason for the power outage was later rescinded by the city, who denied that any zombies were in the area at all, and failed to give a reason for the power outage or the zombie warning.

Smells like a coverup to us.

Science: Maybe squid, octopi came from space

Yet another prediction from “The Simpsons” come true.

There are a lot of weird looking animals on this planet. Sometimes we even say they look like aliens. It’s possible we’ve been right the whole time.

According to a study published in a peer-reviewed journal, squid and octopi may have come from outer space. Octopi have the ability to edit their own RNA, which is an ability not found in any other branch of the animal kingdom. Given that recent studies have found that it is possible for organic molecules to exist in space, researchers argue that life may have come from other worlds. They argue that the scientific community can not rule out that squid or octopus eggs, or even the animals themselves, came to Earth millions and millions of years ago this way.

Science just backed up Prometheus.

Police called after man argues with A-hole parrot

Parrots can’t speak German primarily because of the umlauts.

Never have a pet that can argue with you. That should be your top consideration when thinking about owning an animal.

In Germany, police were called to an apartment after a neighbor reported a loud argument that had been going on for some time. They found a man arguing with a parrot. The 22-year-old man told police that he was annoyed with the bird, which his girlfriend owns, and began yelling at it. The bird apparently can bark like a dog, but not speak.

A few observations about this:

  • Of course the girlfriend owns something as annoying as a parrot, much less a parrot that barks like a dog.
  • Clearly, alcohol was involved in this.
  • Imagine explaining to your girlfriend when she comes home that police questioned you for arguing with her pet.
  • This sounds like a healthy relationship.