| Posted in Scurry to the Capitol, Sex Sells

Red meat for red members

This is J.D. J.D.'s doing well, very well indeed. That's because he noticed that  Boehner sounds a lot like "boner" and made a campaign out of it. Oh, and "something something Constitution."
This is J.D. J.D.’s doing well, very well indeed. That’s because he noticed that Boehner sounds a lot like “boner” and made a campaign out of it. Oh, and “something something Constitution.”

As has become tradition in red states since the 2008 election, House Speaker John Boehner faces a primary challenge this year from Tea Party candidates. What’s not so traditional is how stiff the competition has become for the top-ranking Republican in the federal government.

J.D. Winteregg, a high school teacher and suprisingly not a children’s book author pen name, is one of Speaker Boehner’s three primary challengers. And of those three, he’s the only one to run an ad that accuses the speaker of “electile dysfunction.”

‘Sometimes, when a politician has been in DC too long, it goes to his head and he just can’t seem to get the job done. Used on a daily basis, Winteregg in Congress will help you every time the moment is right to have your voice heard on the federal level.’

How do you know if you are experiencing E.D.? Symptoms may include “extreme skin discoloration,” smoking, golf, and the “inability to punch oneself out a wet paper bag or maintain a spine in the face of liberal opposition.”

The question remains, however, if Winteregg can keep it up until November. You’ll hear from us first if he doesn’t pull out early.

Penis.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!

People don’t like you when they’re hungry

Hello there, friend. Are you tired of arguing with your spouse or significant other? Is your old lady nagging you? Maybe it’s time you made a snack.

According to a study by Ohio State University (we left off “the” just to troll them), being hangry is a real thing. Researchers found that couples were more likely to put pins in a voodoo doll provided to them to represent their spouse if their blood sugar levels were low. Meaning, as long as you feed someone, they are less likely to dabble in the dark arts. Or, if they hadn’t eaten in a while, they were less likely to control their anger.

Good god, this means the Snickers commercials are right.

| Posted in Eat My Sports

Eat My Sports: Playoffs?

The NBA regular season has dwindled down to its last few games and once again the Western Conference will field a team that won nearly 50 games, and have them not make the playoffs. Meanwhile, the NCAA Division .5A, otherwise known as the Eastern Conference will have a team that finished at .500 or below make the playoffs for the seventh consecutive year.

The balance of power between the two conferences has been uneven pretty much since Michael Jordan’s Bulls finished their second threepeat in 1998. And this year has brought about the topic that the NBA and their new commissioner seriously needs to consider, playoff realignment. Continue reading

| Posted in Regular Post

Chuck E. Cheese: Where a norovirus kid can be a norovirus kid

‘Twas not the adult violence that cleared out the children’s play hut that night. The culprit was: norovirus.

This time, while emergency services were again called to a Chuck E. Cheese, this time in the Minnesota district, it was not the police that were needed, but the EMT’s. Nearly 20 people were sent to the hospital with stomach flu symptoms after consuming the restaurant’s food. Investigators claim to have ruled out the virus originating due to food contamination, instead blaming the outbreak on your grubby, horrible, disgusting children.

| Posted in Facepalm

A chest as greasy as your face

Finally: a corsage that you either put around her wrist or her waist.
Finally: a corsage that you either put around her wrist or her waist.

Hey, speaking of prom and the crass, mini-marriage racket it’s become: have you ordered a corsage yet? Of course not — flowers are stupid, don’t smell like Axe and, besides, you already spent all your money on hiring male strippers for your prom-posal.

Fortunately, the minds that brought you the Double-Down and not having to say “Kentucky Fried Chicken” at 3 A.M. have struck breaded and fried gold once again. They’ve partnered with an actual g*ddamn florist to create a corsage featuring a fried drumstick.

And if your date won’t kiss you by the end of the night, at least you’ve got the dog’s attention.

| Posted in Sex Sells

US Airways: Here’s where you can stick your complaint

We’re willing to guess that the people who work at airport ticket counters and gates are some of the least happy people who have a job. Then there are the people who work the social media accounts of airlines. If upset passengers are rude in public, they are sure no kinder in the anonymous rage factory that is the internet. At some point, you’re going to snap, and that may have happened yesterday when US Airways tweeted a sexually explicit image to a customer (image-free and SFW).

When some girl named Alex tweeted at that it ruined her spring break, the airline replied, “We don’t like to hear this, Alex. Please provide feedback to our Customer Relations team here: [link to photo].” The very-NSFW image, which you can find for yourself if you really want, involved a nude woman and a model Boeing 777 jet that appeared to have crashed up to its wings in a cave.

The merger with American Airlines really has benefited consumers after all.

| Posted in The McBournie Minute

The McBournie Minute: Will you go with me to prom?

With ads for formal wear and spots about the consequences of drinking and driving, it can only mean that prom season is here once again. Yes, that beloved ritual of looking good but not being allowed to do anything about it is upon the high-schoolers of our great nation. Very soon, parents will be spending way too much for their daughters’ dresses, and boys will send Axe body spray stock prices through the roof.

It’s awkward, it’s gaudy and it tends to go viral several times over lately. I’m here today to put on my old man hat (which is not turned backwards) to discuss what prom is today, as I understand it, and why it makes no damn sense to me.

So come on kids, you won’t get this dressed up again until your next failed job interview. Continue reading

| Posted in War on Animals

It’s bird on tire violence!

Potholes. Road rage. Construction. Bad weather. They’re all traffic hazards that can be found on the roads all over the country. But Florida, which comedian Patton Oswalt accurately describes as the [penis] of the country, has something that other do not: cranes.

A pair of cranes that attack cars.

Yes, motorists in Melbourne near the Melbourne Airport have been besieged by the birds. The beasts have decided to lay their eggs near the roads and taken it upon themselves to attack all vehicles that linger. No tire has been left alone!

Florida citizens, it’s time to put a stop to this. Attack these animals. Eliminate these two and their coming lineage. Stop them before this goes farther!

| Posted in Putting the 'Wood' in 'Hollywood'

Some day her prince will c– no

And now we can't pretend that he's not carrying her to a bed that vibrates.
And now we can’t pretend that he’s not carrying her to a bed that vibrates.

The Guys would like to congratulate Ginnifer Goodwin and Josh Dallas on their recent nuptials.

That said, ew.

To put this in perspective for people who don’t watch evening soap operas about fairy tales and evil cleavage (SFW, we promise), Goodwin and Dallas respectively play Snow White and Prince Charming. While they flirt and kiss a lot on the show, everyone can easily agree that they only had sex once to make a lame “chosen one” character for everyone to obsess over.

But, now that the actors are married and having an actual child, it’s now impossible to not imagine the characters having sex. And that’s just wrong. Nobody wants to imagine Prince Charming “on the job,” especially with Snow White. That’s like imagining Mary Poppins giving supercalifragilisticexpialidocious mouth-hugs to Burt’s extendable chimney sweeper. You can’t unsee that.

Nope. No. No.

| Posted in War on Animals

The enemy strikes the heartland once again

The people of Fort Wayne, Indiana don’t have much to look forward to, after all, they live in Indiana. But one thing that has kept them going is the construction of a new community center, scheduled to open in June. Then the animals found out about it.

A single squirrel managed to cause $300,000 worth of damage to the community center. According to authorities, the tree rodent, having no regard for its own life, infiltrated the complex’s electrical system and caused a power surge. That killed three HVAC systems and damaged the boiler system.

There can be no doubt that Fort Wayne residents are in mourning, but at least they can take solace in the fact that the squirrel did not survive the attack.