| Filed under War on Animals, War on Robots

Robo-fish are going to spy on you

We’ve all known about the U.S. Navy’s trained dolphins, sea lions and other animals. Now it looks like they are finally moving away from arming our animal foes. That’s the good news. The bad news is that they are building robots instead.

The Navy’s Office of Naval Research is developing a remote controlled robot that looks like a tuna. They want to use it to spy on enemy harbors, but most likely not to be used to collect information on other tuna, which seems like the best use.

Then, of course, there’s also the risk of the robo-fish becoming self-aware, and turning on us. The last thing we need in the War on Animals is a double-agent tuna.

| Filed under The McBournie Minute

The McBournie Minute: Your favorite Christmas song sucks

I was on the last leg of an eight-hour drive to Ohio back in September, looking forward to looking at anything but flat, straight, boring road. My wife was scanning the radio stations, because we’re the last people left who listen to terrestrial radio, when she came upon Christmas music. A station was playing nothing but Christmas music. Let’s remember this was September. I had a sudden urge to steer the car into a tree, but we were in Ohio farm country, it could have been hours before we saw tree for me to hit.

In my seething rage, I thought back to the column I wrote about Christmas songs last year, and I’ve been waiting to reread it ever since. (That’s right my complaint about hearing the same songs is itself a repeat, get over it.) I’m still really proud of it, and I think it’s way better than any “Christmas season gets longer every year” type of rants I could muster up this year. And judging from our site’s daily hit counts, a lot of you out there probably missed it last year, anyway.

So we now take you to “Your Favorite Christmas Song Sucks.” Continue reading

| Filed under Booze News

Canadian Navy no longer has beer machines on its ships

It’s probably fun to serve in the Canadian Navy. You just hang out with a bunch of your buddies on a cruise and occasionally shoot at polar bears, we assume. But it’s going to be a little less cool now.

Canadian sailors won’t be allowed to drink when they are off duty any more. In fact, they can only drink on special occasions with the captain’s permission. Apparently they had beer vending machines on their ships, which is an awesome idea, but no longer.

In the Canadian Navy, you can sail the sober seas.

| Filed under Regular Post

Whole grains have the last laugh

People, we find ourselves at an impasse. As you know by now, we are at war with animals, aliens and robots, and sadly, we might be on the precipice of another war: wheat and their by-products.

No, the entire human race has not succumbed to the sadness that is gluten-free, but it’s something just as sinister. Three laundry crates full of burnt bread mysteriously caught on fire, catching a tractor-trailer aflame. Employees said that putting burnt bread into the laundry crates was standard procedure. No one has volunteered any information for how the bread caught fire.

Look, if we’ve got bread that can spontaneously combust, we might have a problem. Better coat all bread in cream cheese and regular cheese in order to alleviate any chances of fire, just in case.

| Filed under MasterChugs Theater

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Knights of Badassdom’

Picture this: San Diego Comic-Con, July 2011. Director Joe Lynch premieres a hilarious trailer for his upcoming LARP-horror comedy Knights of Badassdom starring Game of Thrones’ Tyrion Lannister, True Blood’s Jason Stackhouse, Firefly’s River Tam, Community’s Abed Nadir, Sports Night‘s Jeremy Goodwin, It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia‘s Liam McPoyle and Steve Zahn. It sounds like more than a geek fiction lover’s dream, but the dream of someone who loves comedy as well!

Then the movie sits. And it sits. And it sits some more. For over two years, the movie sits.

Maaaaaaybe it should sit around some more. Continue reading

| Filed under Regular Post

Warning: Canadians may have weaponized snakes

Canadians really love their Tim Hortons. Canadians also apparently really love their breakfast sandwiches. Even more strangely, some Canadians REALLY love their diced onions.

What’s not weird is that Canadians apparently don’t love snakes. We understand that and value them for that. That’s why we’re not too surprised when a Canadian man, angry with not getting diced onions in his breakfast sandwich, proceeded to reach into his friend’s coat and throw a snake at the employees of a Tim Hortons.

Here’s what we can understand: do all Canadians just happen to have snakes in their coat pockets?

| Filed under War on Animals

All animals go to Heaven, pope says

Troubling news this week coming from the Vatican. It seems Pope Francis has finally said something completely tone deaf with modern views: all animals go to Heaven. Here’s what his holiness had to say:

One day we will see our animals again in eternity of Christ. Paradise is open to all God’s creatures.”

Chilling words. If animals go to Heaven, that means they have souls. And if they have souls, they’re just as good as humans. And we’re pretty sure God gave us dominion over the animals. If all animals go to Heaven, what incentive do they have to be good? Because there are some birds out there that are total assholes.

This also means that when we humans get to Heaven, we’re going to be constantly in danger of animals. Want to go strolling through that Heavenly garden? Not unless you want to get mauled by bears. Want to grab a quick swim in the waters of the righteous? Too bad, the water’s infested by sharks.

On the upside, there are dinosaurs in Heaven. Welcome to Jurassic Paradise.

| Filed under Regular Post

Man down! Drone maybe down! Food never going down!

TGI Friday’s, that other chain box restaurant that’s not called Ruby Tuesday, Applebees or Shenanigans, decided last week to unleash a remote-control drone device that carries mistletoe around their Times Square location.

A small buzzing aircraft flying around a busy eatery that’s decided to force people to kiss? Perhaps even strangers? What could go wrong with that?

It turns out that mistletoe drones are just as bad as you’d expect something at TGI Friday’s to be. This week, one of them clipped a photographer, taking off the tip of her nose.

Drone operator David Quiones said an accident like this had never happened before

When your time frame, from start to the incident occurring, is all of 4 days, while it may be a technically true statement, it’s also one of those incredibly naive ones as well.