| Filed under Regular Post

More crap to deal with when you own a home

The problem with houses is that they’re stationary. When someone loses control of their car, a house can’t move out of the way.

In Pennsylvania, a truck failed to navigate a turn, headed off the road and into the first floor of a house. But it wasn’t just a truck, it was a septic truck. And to make it worse, it was leaking when emergency crews finally got it out.

Luckily, the homeowners, who had recently bought the house and returned from their honeymoon, weren’t home at the time. This is why you don’t buy a house.

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: Fat pants edition

Pictured: The Quizno's diet.
Pictured: The Quizno’s diet.

Despite the thousands of songs trying to convince me otherwise, I’m pretty glad I don’t live in California. The state is constantly under threat of wildfires, earthquakes, smog, and now there’s a huge drought. Years of little rain has put California in a water emergency, and Tom Selleck got shamed for stealing water from a fire hydrant. Best of all, a P.I. was the one who caught him. If you were busy winning the World Cup this week, odds are you missed it.

Subway apparently grosser than we thought
This week, Subway put its relationship with longtime spokesman Jared Fogle on hold after police searched his home in relation to the former head of his nonprofit was arrest on child pornography charges. In addition, Fogle was cut out of the upcoming¬†Sharknado 3. Worst of all, the NCAA has vacated all of Subway’s wins going back to 1999.

Ariana Grande likes frosting, hates U.S.
A video surfaced this week of singer Ariana Grande licking doughnuts she didn’t pay for at a doughnut shop. She then turns to a dancer she’s hanging out with and says “I hate America.” Grande apologized for her actions this week, but it’s too soon to know if people have forgiven her. To most Americans, if you mock their doughnuts and say you hate their country, you might as well have joined ISIS.

Voters like guy from that show
Despite losing deals with NBC, Univision, the PGA and Chef Jose Andres for derogatory comments made about Mexicans, Donald Trump’s polling numbers are surging among Republicans early in the primary season. People seem to be surprised by this, and I don’t understand why. A rich, loud, old white man spouting off whatever unfounded biases come into his mind is the symbol of the Republican party. The only way his supporters will turn on him is if he says he doesn’t like hot dogs as his pizza crust.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Study: Vampires are more afraid of your hate than sunlight

There’s been a lot of talk about sensitivity these days. We’re trying to become a more understanding and inclusive society, and that means giving minorities a say, and recognizing them as people. But no matter how open-minded you are, you’re biased against vampires.

According to a researcher at Idaho State University, it’s exactly that fear of being shunned by society that keeps vampires away from scientific studies. According to D.J. Williams’ research, people who insist they need to ingest human blood for energy are reluctant to come out to scientists because there are such heavy biases against their lifestyle.

So look inside your heart. It’s probably filled with hate–and blood that real-life vampires would love to sample.

| Filed under War on Animals

Shark lands in woman’s yard, tornado suspected

It’s Shark Week, you know, that event on the Discovery Channel that stopped being educational a few years ago and is now just scary. The animals know this, and they’re preying on our fears.

That’s why it’s no coincidence that a shark recently showed up in a grandmother’s backyard. The Virginia Beach woman’s grandchildren were playing outside when they came across the dead body of a baby shark. It was as if it had been picked up and dropped there by some sort of sharknado. The authorities believe it was a bird that dropped its prey.

But if that’s true, that means the animals are colluding to tell us that Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes. It’s going to be war.

| Filed under That Wacky Australia

Australia’s sewers are flush with ‘fatbergs’

First, London sewers were plagued by them during the holidays. Now, the threat of fatbergs has down down under.

Authorities in Queensland, Australia are warning people not to flush those disposable wipes that have grown in popularity in recent years. They are teaming up with all the fat and semi-solids one would expect to find in a sewer to create blockages called fatbergs, and they threaten to bring sewers to their knees.

“That’s probably a four-meter screen almost completely covered in wet wipes. [There’s also] a little bit of corn; we always get corn,” said Queensland Urban Utilities worker Steve Gibson.

Of course there’s always corn.

| Filed under Eat My Sports

Eat My Sports: Spurned

The San Antonio Spurs have done it again, folks! After 16 years of relevancy and five titles, San Antonio has finally become a marquee destination for free agents.

Why? That’s what winning will get you.

Who did it get them? LaMarcus Aldridge and David West (West taking 90% less than offers from other clubs strictly to win a title. Continue reading

| Filed under War on Animals

Snails have learned how to shoot out of the ground

Here in the U.S., we’re watching ourselves in the ocean because sharks are attacking us left and right. In England, there’s another animal threat at the beach.

It was an average day at the beach in Devon, England, the citizens were — well, we don’t actually know if British people go to the beach — but they were somewhere around there. All of a sudden, a 15-foot-wide, 15-foot-deep hole opened in the sand, and snails began launching out of it like a volcano. When the sand collapsed, it shot water and sea snails that had been lurking below into the sky.

If England has a summer, this probably ruined it.

| Filed under Booze News

Wisconsin drinks rest of the U.S. under the table

If you’re an American and you enjoy drinking, you should move to Wisconsin, where you will always be among friends.

According to a recent study, cheeseheads are the biggest drinkers in the country, with 65.03% of residents there reporting having at least one drink in the past 30 days, 24% of Wisconsinites said they have had more than four drinks in a night in that period. Does 65% of people in a state having had a drink in the past month sound incredibly low to anyone else? Especially because that’s the highest in the country.

It’s worth noting that Washington, D.C. residents trailed close behind Wisconsin in both categories. The Guys are making a difference.

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

If your eyes are blue, you’re probably not sober

Look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself, are you alcohol dependent? Now, look at the color of your eyes.

According to a recent study, if your eyes are blue, you have a higher chance of being dependent on drugs or alcohol. It’s not your eyes, it’s in your genes. Researchers found that people with blue eyes were more likely to have the gene that makes them hooked on booze, compared to those who have brown eyes.

Granted, if your eyes are red, you probably already know what you have.

| Filed under Booze News

Drunk athletes make unwatchable sports entertaining

Sure, the Women’s World Cup is going on right now, but the Swedes may have come up with a new national competition, albeit accidentally.

To raise awareness about the dangers of swimming while under the influence, a Swedish insurance company invited a men’s synchronized swimming team (apparently that’s a thing over there) to get drunk and try to perform one of their routines. It is even more entertaining than probably intended, despite the serious message at the end. (They use permille, to convert that, just move the decimal over. 1.4 permille equals 0.14%.)

What if we took serious sports that people only care about every few years, a did them drunk? What if we had a Drunk Olympics? Diving would be must-see, gymnastics would finally be watchable, and discus throw would be riveting, because you don’t know what direction the athlete will throw.

The Guys are making a formal call to organize this. Let’s hash it out at the bar.