| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Time for a Smithsonian intervention

Don't be like your namesake and wait until after death to ship all of your old magazines and skulls to some ex-colony.
Don’t be like your namesake and wait until after death to ship all of your old magazines and skulls to some ex-colony.

OK, so this clearly isn’t a bar, Smithsonian Institute. But, it is your friends, The Guys, who love you very much, but are a little concerned about your hoarding problem.

At first, it was fun hanging out at your place. There were all kinds of cool stuff lying around, like dinosaur and astronaut bones, plus the occasional old wooden sailing ship. And you never even asked us to pay for anything. (Well, never directly.)

But, when we’re finding entirely new species of dolphins just lying around in dusty stacks of god-knows-what … it’s time to recognize that maybe you’ve attached too much value to stuff you’ll never, ever use. What museum would this skull even go in? Natural history? In the non-existent Decapitated Dolphin Wing?

We’re worried about you, Smithsonian. You’re not alone if you want to get better. (But we’re still not donating. Did you see the price of your cheeseburgers?)

| Filed under Booze News, Drunk of the Day

Beer the secret to longevity, 103-year-old says

If you want to live forever, drink beer — at least that’s what a 103-year-old woman says.

Mildred Bowers, 103, of South Carolina, has seen a lot in her day. (Some of those things are everyone she’s loved dying before her, but you know, there’s a trade-off to immortality.) And in her wizened state, she said having a beer every day has been a major reason why she has lived so long. It’s not scientific, but it’s good enough.

She also never had kids, so keep that one in mind, too.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Viruses literally the worst

Viruses actually make this the best you'll feel all day.
Viruses actually make this the best you’ll feel all day.

Viruses never had a lot going for them. Antibiotics don’t work on them, so any that our immune system can’t take out are incurable. They tend to cause vomiting and diarrhea, which makes them the Chipotle of the microscopic world. And, because they only have RNA, they let us argue incessantly over whether they count as life.

But, just when they couldn’t get any worse, science uncovered a doozy: they’re morning people.

That’s right: while the rest of us are groggily trying to get the day started, viruses are already fully caffeinated and ready to infect us when we’re most vulnerable. In the early AM hours, our cells’ immune reactions aren’t armed yet, so the virus can spread more easily from one to the next.

The only way viruses could be even more insufferable is if they hang the toilet paper so that it unrolls underhand.

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Your single friends are all drunks, science says

It’s a well-worn comedic trope that your significant other drives you to drink. But what that may not actually be the reality.

According to a new study, your single friends drink way more than you and your partner. A study of same-sex twins found that those who are in a relationship kind of cut back on the hootch, compared to their single doppelgangers. That means that you’re ruining the fun for your significant other, which might be OK, because that means you can go full steam ahead and know that you’ve got a designated driver.

So if you’re in a relationship and you’re miserable, it’s probably because you’re spending way too much time sober.

| Filed under Booze News

Now you can drink beer made from Roald Dahl’s farts

You no doubt read some of famous British children’s author Roald Dahl’s books when you were growing up. But now that you’re older, is there something missing? You wish you could sit down and share a pint with the man. Here’s the next best thing.

40FT Brewery and food company Bompas & Parr, both British, of course, are bringing you a beer made from yeast samples taken from Dahl’s writing chair, as well as some of his other belongings. It’s called Mr. Twit’s Odious Ale, and we don’t know much about it other than it sounds gross.

It’s only a matter of time before we see James and the Giant Peach Wheat.

| Filed under Eat My Sports

Eat My Sports: Steroid News, No One Cares

The 2016 NFL season is almost upon us and the collective American fan base is about to lose their mind over it. It’s been a relatively tame offseason since the league’s scripted way to have Peyton Manning retire with one more ring happened, at least until this week.

Going back to December, players linked to the Al Jazeera report about PED use have been asked to meet with the league. Only one, the aforementioned Manning, actually did. This leaves a prominent class of James Harrison, Clay Matthews and Julius Peppers among others who are being required to meet with the league and explain their connection or face an indefinite suspension from the league. And the overall sentiment is … no one cares. Continue reading

| Filed under Facepalm, Picture of the Day

Dong-gonnit! Another career ruined by penis

Japan needs to reconsider vetting its Olympic team by game show.
Japan needs to reconsider vetting its Olympic team by game show.

All in all, having a penis is pretty great. It makes it easy to pee anywhere, gives us something to play with when our phone battery dies and guarantees our voices will be heard in any meeting or election.

But, privilege acknowledged, nobody considers the relatively few, but none-the-less devastating challenges of having a penis, the hurdles it can prevent us from clearing. And, in Japanese pole vaulter Hiroki Ogita’s case, we mean literal hurdles.

Ogita was knocked out of the first round of the Olympics pole vault competition in Rio when he nearly cleared a height of 5.3 meters (17.3 feet). Though his leg and shin made contact with the bar, it remained in place. No, it was his penis that pulled it — and his Olympic dreams — back to earth.

Pow! Right in the penis

Is there no career a penis can’t end? (We’re still holding out for Donald Trump’s orange dork — complete with oversized merkin — to definitively derail his train-wreck campaign.)

Penis.

| Filed under War on Animals

Latest animal attack in Wal-Mart parking lot: monkey

If you haven’t learned by now, this is not the summer to spend any time in a Wal-Mart parking lot. Animals will attack. This time, they chose to strike in Lancaster, Ohio.

According to reports, a customer’s monkey got loose in a Wal-Mart parking lot and began attacking an employee working the cart corrals. The owner was nearby, and luckily, was able to stop the assault before the employee was injured. An eyewitness video shows the owner then taking the monkey by the hand and carrying it away, presumably to a getaway vehicle.

The good news is that the employee wasn’t bitten, but the bad news is that the monkey wasn’t charged with assault.

| Filed under War on Animals

Ickiness from above: Cockroaches can fly

If you’re in the part of the U.S. that’s experiencing a heat wave right now, you probably can’t imagine how things could get any nastier. Our advice to you is to watch your head.

Scientists say that you’re more likely to encounter a flying cockroach when it’s hot out. Hot, humid environments are ideal for the American cockroach to fly, so the hotter and steamier it gets, the more likely they are to go airborne. And because the American cockroach has well-developed wings, as opposed to other roach species around the world, this is uniquely an American problem.

Yet another reason to stay inside.

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: Women’s events edition

And if you see these women as anything other than athletes, you're sexist.
And if you see these women as anything other than athletes, you’re sexist.

At some point, Star Wars fans need to admit to themselves that they like the Empire better. Most of the merchandise you see, and all of the memes people share, are about storm troopers or Darth Vader. Do we even know why the Empire is bad in the first place? All we (and by “we” I mean people who haven’t read the books, because we’re not nerds) really know is that the Empire is dealing with a rebellion has a thing for blowing up rebel planets. Seems pretty reasonable for an intergalactic war. If you were busy saying you didn’t say what you said about Second Amendment people this week, odds are you missed it.

Sexism is the newest event
The Olympics are a sporting tradition like no other. Once every four years, the world comes together act like it cares about swimming, gymnastics and women in sports in general. NBC took a fair amount of criticism for sexism from the commentators during its coverage of the first week of the summer games in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. NBC apologized for any accidentally sexist comments, and insisted it has no problem with covering girls as they compete in their own separate but equal little events, but it’s going to be tough to keep from getting excited during the women’s trampoline competition, ya know?

Women continue to be in movies
This week, cast members of Ocean’s 8, an all-female remake of Ocean’s 11 (the good one) were announced. Meanwhile, all-female reboot of Ghostbusters is rumored to not be getting a sequel, following a loss of $70 million. I don’t know. I think they’re going to keep making these types of movies because they’re trying to reach an underrepresented audience and want to do a decent thing. Or they just realized they can pay actresses way less than men.

Concertgoer smokes weed
Malia Obama, the president’s oldest daughter, was seen in a video leaked to the media taking a drag of what appeared to be a marijuana joint while attending Lollapalooza in Chicago. People who took offense to this took to the internet to express their outrage, but then asked what a “Lollapalooza” is.