| Posted in Headline of the Day

Egypt unleashes new caustic weapons on U.S.

"As you can clearly see, President Obama, I am rubber. And the U.N. has declared that you are, in fact, glue."
“As you can clearly see, President Obama, I am rubber. And the U.N. has declared that you are, in fact, glue.”

Just when the world thought we could rule out Egypt from starting sh*t with the U.S., their Foreign Ministry dropped what may be the nation’s first snark bomb. They urged U.S. security forces in Ferguson, Mo. to “exercise restraint” in dealing with protests after local police reportedly shot an unarmed Michael Brown six times, twice in the head.

U.S. State Department officials are examining Egypt’s weapon of farcical intent to determine the severity of their sarcasm. This investigation includes learning whether the bomb-maker simply read the U.S. government’s 2013 warning to President Abdel-Fattah el-Sissi in a whiny voice and if there are any hidden implications about our moms.

| Posted in War on Animals

If your internet’s out, it could be sharks

The internet isn’t a series of tubes, it’s a series of wires. And many of those wires are underwater. The animals know this, and are trying to exploit our weakness.

Apparently, sharks like to eat fiber cables that we use to share cat videos with the world. They either just like to bite things they find, or they enjoy the taste of them. Either way, they are intentionally going after our communications networks, which means a large-scale attack may be imminent. The problem is so bad that Google is now wrapping its cables in Kevlar.

The battle rages on.

| Posted in You Missed It

You Missed It: Martial law edition

Farewell. I always thought "Death to Smoochy" was underrated.
Farewell. I always thought “Death to Smoochy” was underrated.

Robin Williams died this week. There’s no punchline. He took his own life for some reason, widely suspected to be related to his battle with depression. It doesn’t make sense how such a force of humor and kindness could end alone and sad. He had a bigger role in the formation of my sense of humor than I realized until now, even going back to re-runs of Mork and Mindy as a kid. Millions have stories they could tell about how he touched their lives. I’m planning on trying to focus on all the great things he did with his life, rather than they way he took it, just as I’ve grown to admire his entire career, rather than focus on his terrible accent in Good Will Hunting. If you were busy dumping a bucket of ice water over your head this week, odds are you missed it.

The Don’t Shoot Me State
The St. Louis suburb of Ferguson, Missouri has seen countless protests–not all of them peaceful–after an unarmed black teenager was shot and killed by a white police officer. The Ferguson Police Department responded to the protests by suiting up in camouflage and body armor, rolling around town in armored vans and brandishing automatic rifles, which some saw as excessive for any police force to have in the first place. Ferguson Police Thomas Jackson denied his department was militarized, and took off in his F/A-18 fighter jet before the press could ask any other questions.

Mellowing for two centuries
This week, scientists determined that a bottle found on a 200-year-old shipwreck in the Baltic Sea just off of Poland contains alcohol. The stoneware bottle was found still sealed tight, and the booze hadn’t turned to vinegar. The contents are estimated to be 14 percent alcohol, or 28 proof. Researchers believe that based on the chemical composition, the booze was watered down, which leads me to believe that the Polish don’t know how to drink.

Stroll to the border
Taco Bell announced this week that it is planning to open an upscale Tex-Mex joint in California called U.S. Taco Co., apparently not caring to spend money on coming up with a name. The restaurant seeks to tap into the foodie world, and if it’s successful, more may open across the country. Man, I cannot wait for a Belgian waffle taco.

| Posted in War on Animals

Cougars don’t like the opera

Do you hate the opera? Guess that means you have something in common with our mortal foes, the animals.

A woman was hiking in Colorado when she came face to face with a cougar, and not the sexy older woman type. As the cat was sizing her up, Kyra Kopestonsky began singing opera. The cougar did not appreciate being serenaded, and eventually backed off.

This is a strong case for keeping the arts in our schools.

| Posted in MasterChugs Theater

MasterChugs Theater: ‘The Raid 2′

When it comes to action blockbusters, it’s hard to think of a time before Jerry Bruckheimer, Michael Bay, Roland Emmerich and company brought their unique style of loud, mega-budget destruction to the masses. And while comic-book movies scratch a certain explosion-y itch, it’s been a long time since the action genre felt like it had a genuine edge.

Which is why The Raid 2 hits all the harder. Adrenaline-fueled and with a scope and variety that belies its origins and budget, it’s already a heavy contender for the giddiest, most thrilling action ride of the year. Its 2011 predecessor proved an effectively kinetic enough calling card for many to sit up and pay attention to Welsh director Gareth Evans. The tale of a drug bust gone hideously, bloodily wrong, it centred on one insanely brave cop’s desperate mission to scale and then take down a tower block full of psychotic criminals. How?

By using the ancient art of punching people very hard in the face. I mean, very, VERY hard. Continue reading

| Posted in Regular Post

Even eBay user Ladiesman217 thinks that’s a dumb idea

Our own Chris “Chugs” Taylor has gone on record before that he likes the first Michael Bay Transformers movie. If you want to redeco your car to look like Barricade from that movie, that’s fine.

If you want to redeco your Maserati to look like Barricade from that movie, that’s not a fine decision. That’s a dumb decision.

If you want to drive your Maserati that’s been repainted to look like Barricade from that movie and assist your local police by being a visible nuisance, that’s an even dumber decision.

| Posted in War on Animals

N.Y. doesn’t care for your ‘tiger selfie’

You too, Mr. Woods.
You too, Mr. Woods.

In the war against deadly selfies, New York state has taken a bold step against this threat. This week, the state banned “tiger selfies,” or selfies with a tiger. This is a trend that’s sweeping the internet now. Never head of it? You’re not alone.

“I had no idea what a tiger selfie was,” said Assemblywoman Linda Rosenthal, a Manhattan Democrat. “This is a serious issue.”

Assemblywoman Rosenthal is right. This not-at-all-made-up trend of guys taking selfies with tigers or other big cats to impress the ladies is serious. And just because no one’s ever heard of it doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be banned, especially since New York is famous for its big cat populations roaming its vast rainforests and arid plains. So it’s a good thing that the state government reacted without thought to make sure it never happens again.

You wanna take a picture with a big cat? Take that crap to Connecticut!

| Posted in War on Animals

Success is here again!

People, we may be onto a giant series of counterattack successes. First, Barbara Glaff figures out a way to turn allies against each other. And now? Now?

We can stop mice from eating. Everything.

Scientists at CIT “accidentally” stumbled onto a network of cells that can turn appetites on and off (warning: autoplay). Through light signals, the scientists were able to stop the mice from eating, even while eating. Some want to use this technology as a form of weight-loss and appetite suppressant for humans.

I’m thinking otherwise. After all, it’s hard for an army to fight if it won’t eat.

| Posted in Regular Post

A wrong-handed celebration

You know how we know that Charlie Chaplin was secretly evil? He penciled in his Hitler 'stache with his left hand.
You know how we know that Charlie Chaplin was secretly evil? He penciled in his Hitler ‘stache with his left hand.

If you thought today seemed a little sinister, there’s good reason. Today, the world celebrates International Left-handers Day, even if we know that left-handedness is a sign of evil.

If you’re wondering when International Mixed-handedness Day is, it, like ambidextrous people, doesn’t exist. If you pitch southpaw, then it doesn’t matter if you catch southpaw, too. You’re left-handed. (And let’s not get into the affront to god and threat to right-handedness that trans-handed people present.)

So, if you know a left-handed person, pat them on the back — with your correct hand. Tolerance is really in right now.