| Filed under War on Animals

Arizonans’ feet to remain calloused, not fishy

It's for the best, as it was only a matter of time before someone opened a piranha-themed salon.
It’s for the best, as it was only a matter of time before someone opened a piranha-themed salon.

The U.S. Supreme Court is a lot like jazz. No, not because of Justice Alito’s long-winding free-form dissent solos. But because, like notes in jazz, you can tell as much about it by the cases that it doesn’t hear as the cases that it does. And this Supreme Court has decided that it does not want to hear about pedicures performed by fish.

The court rejected the appeal of Cindy Vong, a woman who used fish to eat the dead skin off of patrons’ feet at her salon until the Arizona Board of Cosmetology wrapped the practice up in newspaper. Unlike files, chains, blowtorches and whatever else is normally used during pedicures (The Guys don’t go to a lot of bridal showers), fish cannot survive being treated in Barabasol and, therefore, violate health rules. Their ruling means that Vong cannot resume the practice and will have to exploit recent human immigrants like everyone else in the beauty industry.

So, thank you, Chief Justice Roberts and Co., for keeping fish from taking our menial foot maintenance/small talk jobs away. You’re the real heroes in the War on Animals.

| Filed under War on Animals

Parrots: the talking killer

For decades now, the media would have you think that carbon monoxide is the worst thing in the world. And why not? Having been named “the silent killer,” carbon monoxide pretty much sounds like the most menacing thing EVER. Darth Vader? Cancer? White people during the Crusades? Carbon monoxide beats them all.

But that’s scary at the silent level. What’s never talked about is the loud killer. And no loud killer is deadlier than a parrot.

Parrots will nip at your fingers. They will poop anytime that they’re let out of their cage. They will keep you up at night. And the worst part is that they will 100 percent break the first amendment. No, they won’t prevent you from speaking, but one of the key parts of the first amendment is that not all free speech is protected, i.e., a person can’t scream ‘fire’ in a crowded theater when there’s no fire.

And that’s totally what parrots will do (warning: autoplay). Because nothing is deadlier than spitting in the face of our Constitution. America.

| Filed under Booze News

Scientist tirelessly study shipwreck champagne

Science just can’t get enough of that shipwreck booze.

Remember that 170-year-old shipwreck in the Baltic Sea where the divers found beer and champagne? Researchers have just gotten around to analyzing the content of the champagne bottles. Turns out, they made champagne back then pretty much the same way they do now. Great job, guys. Thanks for that insight.

Next they’ll conduct thorough research on how good it tastes with orange juice.

| Filed under War on Animals

An ungrateful animal? Shocking.

Animals are one hundred percent the worst. It only makes sense that we’re at war with them! They’re smelly, they initiate fights for no reason, they bring disease … they’re nothing more than the state of Florida given form.

And zoo animals may possibly be the worst of the worst! We give them a home, feed them as needed and what do they do?

They attack their very dwellings out of anger like a child throwing a temper tantrum. How pathetic.

| Filed under Stripper News

Saskatchewan bans non-charity stripping

Take a moment today, and every day, to be thankful for how lucky you are to live in a free country and not under an oppressive regime like Canada.

The Canadian province of Saskatchewan has banned strip clubs, under trumped up concerns of human trafficking. That means there is officially nothing to do in Saskatchewan. The licenses of all strip clubs there have been revoked — except if the stripping is being done for charity.

When strip clubs are made illegal, only criminals will have strip clubs.

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: Air mail edition

Another example of wasteful spending by the U.S. Postal Service.
Another example of wasteful spending by the U.S. Postal Service.

Look, I like beer. I drink it, some would say too much of it, and I brew my own every now and then. I’m pretty glad to see that people are trying out new beers and testing the boundaries all the time. But there are some things that just don’t need to happen, like New Belgium and Ben & Jerry’s teaming up for Salted Caramel Brownie brown ale. I like New Belgium, they do some fine beers. And I like Ben & Jerry’s, especially since I’m from Vermont. But that doesn’t mean that we need a beer that tastes like ice cream. If craft beer drinkers can criticize A-B Inbev for their [Fruit Flavor]-A-Rita abominations, they must hit New Belgium just as hard. If you were busy getting reinstated by the NFL after beating your child this week, odds are you missed it.

The mail gets through
This week, the U.S. Capitol in Washington, D.C., was shut down when a gyrocopter landed nearby. The pilot was Douglas Hughes, a 61-year-old mailman from Florida, because of course he was. He was arrested immediately. The man told a local newspaper his plans days before he carried them out, but it was still news to Capitol security forces. Remember when crazy mailmen would shoot-up their workplaces? Who says the world’s not getting better?

When Matthew McConaughey cries
Predictably, people collectively lost their minds after another trailer for the new Star Wars movie dropped this week. This one showed the famed Millennium Falcon being chased by Imperial forces, like the last one. However, considering what we now know about Harrison Ford’s flying abilities, we should give Chewbacca more credit than we do for keeping that thing in one piece.

The bus is on fire
Country group Lady Antebellum’s tour bus caught fire in Texas on Thursday. The bus was pretty much gutted, but everyone got out of the bus without being harmed. Don’t worry, God, you’ll get them next time.

| Filed under Regular Post

They do say that in business, you should do what you love …

Snoop Dogg has cast off his Snoop Lion title and reverted back to his nomenclature of Snoop Dogg. The reason? Snoop Lion is a relaxed raconteur, but Snoop Dogg is a no-nonsense businessman. And a businessman is most needed, as he’s now here to provide a service for Californians: app delivery weed.

Snoop and his investment firm, Casa Verde Capital, have invested, along with others, in Eaze. The app is designed like Uber: push a button on your phone and within 10 minutes, marijuana is delivered to you. If Denny’s could do the same thing, stoners all around the state might never be happier.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Get ready for jittery astronauts

The International Space Station now smells like coffee.

This week marked the much-anticipated arrival of a new, space-age espresso machine. Astronauts have had coffee on the ISS, but it had to be in one of those packet things, so it float away and burn the crap out of someone. But now, they have the ISSpresso, which somehow makes coffee in zero-gravity espresso coffee.

The first astronaut to try it out, of course, is Italian.

| Filed under MasterChugs Theater

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Going Clear: Scientology and the Prison of Belief’

In a relatively short time, director Alex Gibney has become quite the talented documentarian. Going Clear: Scientology and the Prison of Belief will not be changing that opinion anytime soon. The director’s adaptation of Lawrence Wright’s 2013 book on the religion’s bizarre history is fairly routine in terms of its allegations, but with such incredible material, that’s more than enough. Continue reading

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Misogyny runs afoot in coleopterology

In a surprising and completely unexpected fashion, it appears that Connecticut’s southern pine beetles are very bad for pine trees. Who would’ve guessed?

Now, we don’t particularly care much for animals, especially given the desire of beetles to purposefully reduce our supply of oxygen. But what we certainly don’t care for is a smear campaign against a gender.

The female makes this when she comes in and she lays her eggs. Then the little larvae go off and form these little side tunnels.”

See, we at SG are very keen on equal rights. Don’t lay all the blame on the female members of the species, lay the blame on all of them. Don’t half-ass on eradication of a species, go all the way, we say.