(Actual) clown running for Congress

With politics the way they are these days, it’s hard to imagine things getting more ridiculous. But voters in South Carolina could have a chance to send a real clown to Washington, D.C.

Steve Lough is a former clown with Ringling Brothers. But apparently he’s hanging up his big floppy shoes and ready to represent the people of South Carolina’s fifth district. He’s running as a Democrat, and seeking his party’s nomination for this fall’s election. Lough said one of his main issues is preventing mass shootings from happening again.

So, he’s a sad clown.

New York City is running dangerously low on snacks

A few weeks back, we learned that Johannesburg, South Africa is expected to run out of water in April due to a severe drought. But New York City is facing a crisis far worse: it’s running out of Cheetos.

Stores across the city are running low on Cheetos because of a labor dispute with delivery drivers. Frito-Lay recently cut the pay of its drivers in the New York City area, prompting a fair amount of them to quit. The worker shortage has caused less frequent deliveries, which means stores are running out of Frito-Lay products.

So as you sit at the dinner table tonight, surrounded by loved ones, and polish off a bag of Doritos, remember the less fortunate.

Jesus is back and he wants pizza

After taking nearly 2,000 years off, Jesus Christ has finally returned. And as it was foretold in scripture, He returned to break into a Pizza Hut in North Carolina.

In the wee hours of the morning, Christ broke a window at a Pizza Hut in High Point, N.C. and ate a pizza, washed down with a Mountain Dew. The Son of God, because He’s a pretty honest guy, then called 911 to report what he had done. He identified himself as Jesus Christ, and announced that He had some back to Earth. And lo, then the dispatcher asked him what He looked like. The King of the Jews replied, “I look like Jesus — what else am I supposed to look like?”

He then gave the dispatcher a message to spread to all of God’s children: “We’re tired of Judases on this Earth. We’re going to clean this Earth up.”

The unbelieving police officers soon arrested Him, and charged Him with breaking and entering and larceny. They even falsely booked Him under the name Richard Lee Quintero. This is God’s plan.

Romanian zombies clog up the courts

Romania is known in this part of the world for spooky stuff, mostly, vampires. But it turns out that the country has its share of zombies, too. And they are clogging up the legal system.

Constantin Reliu, 63, died a few months ago, according to his wife and the paperwork she filed to declare him dead. So when he returned home from a trip to Turkey in January, Reliu wasn’t pleased to find out of his death. He sued to have his death certificate overturned, but the Romanian courts know a zombie when they see one. The court told him the death certificate could not be overturned.

In the same week, a Romanian court ruled that Valerian Vasiliu should have his driver’s license reinstated. The only problem is that Vasiliu is dead. In March 2017, Vasiliu had his license revoked. He immediately appealed the decision, only to die last October. So when the court made its ruling last week, they were essentially telling a zombie he can drive again.

The dead are rising, and getting clever.

Olympic rings: Condom makers look forward to 2020 Games

We’re still two years away from the 2020 Olympics in Tokyo, but condom manufacturers in Japan are getting excited.

Olympics athletes are given condoms during the games to help promote safe sex. Japanese condom makers are ready for the chance to show off their products, which are just 0.001 millimeters thick. Japan boasts to have thinnest rubbers in the world, and it plans to show off its world-class product in Olympic village.

That means everyone is ramping up production now to make sure they have enough on hand when the games open. It really is an international celebration.

Walmart wants robots to put bees out of work

As readers of this blog know, humanity is under attack from many different groups: monsters, aliens, zombies, educators and of course artists. But the biggest threats are animals and robots. Walmart wants to combine the two.

Walmart wants to put bees out of business the way it did mom-and-pop stores across the country by using robots. The company filed a patents for robotic bees that pollinate crops. This is obviously very frightening. Walmart wants to put robots and bees at war with each other, and the winner will come for us next.

It’s about time we research robot insect spray.

Australia on high alert after giant ducky breaks free

There is a giant inflatable yellow duck drifting somewhere in the Indian Ocean. Her name is Daphne, and her owners are seeking help in getting her back.

All of Australia is on alert following reports of a giant ducky floating away from a swim event. The Cockburn Masters Swimming Club, which held the event, had bought Daphne as a sort of mascot. During the swim, Daphne caught some high winds and was blown out to sea.

We can only assume that Daphne is out there in the ocean, plotting her revenge and waiting for the right time to strike.

Now your beer can sparkle, contain a message

Tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day, when people do awful things to beer, like dying it green or dropping a shot of whiskey into it. Or both. But this year, there are some new awful things you can do to your brew.

Have you ever ordered a pint, looked at the head and thought, “I wish there was something witty written there?” You’re in luck. Now you can print images and text on the foam of your beer with Beer Ripples. Our suggestion: “I’m Not Usually A Beer Drinker.”

And for those who want to take a sip of a pint and look like they had a lap dance, there’s glitter beer. Some breweries are offering brews with edible glitter in it. The best news here is that when you have the beer s&^ts the next day, you’ll sparkle.

Robots are coming for our enlarged prostates

Men, the older you live, the better chance a robot is going to shoot water up your butt. Another awful prediction of the future? No, it’s a frightening reality today.

A robot that can treat your enlarged prostate is coming to an a-hole near you, now that Procept BioRobotics has raised enough funds to move forward with its diabolical plan. The autonomous robot will shoot water to remove enlarged prostate material. There’s a good chance this is a look at your future, because about half of men 60 or older, and about 90% of men 85 and older suffer from an enlarged prostate.

But by the time you’re that old, you’ll be a slave to the machines, anyway.

Australia seems mixed on the War on Animals

Australia is filled with crazy people and deadly creatures, and is pretty much deserted in the middle, which basically makes it Florida. And as the summer in the Southern Hemisphere wraps up, it seems like a good time to check in on our allies down under.

In Queensland, some fools decided to save a giant spider from flood waters. The whistling spider, also called the Australian tarantula, was dangling on a tree branch in an attempt to escape a flood, and some passersby decided to help it. Keep in mind this thing is larger than your hand and hisses. They then moved it to a tree in the center of town and probably thought they did a good deed. We can only hope that their arrests are forthcoming.

Also in Queensland, a family finally caught a deadly brown snake living in their yard with the use of a jackhammer. The snake, one of the most poisonous in Australia, had been living under some steps for months. They decided to jackhammer the concrete walkway outside their house to give the beast fewer places to hide.

The plan worked, and the snake was caught in just a couple hours. Well done, brave warriors.