Believe it or not, there are still some people out there who don’t believe that we’re at war with the animals. They don’t like the idea that we’re locked in a battle for supremacy. We are literally battling for control of the world. And then the monsters come.
In Sweden, the residents of a town have been told to stay indoors because a pack of unusually large rats invaded. And by “unusually large” we mean the size of cats. The town of Sundsvall warned its residents to keep the doors and windows closed, and local schools held recess indoors because the monsters showed up.
These huge rats showed up because a new recycling center in town took away their habitat. Great, giant rats with a beef.
Mosquitoes remember you long after they have bitten you or been shooed away. They’re basically the Adeles of the insect world.
According to a new study, mosquitoes will remember you if your blood is particularly tasty, which may be why you get bitten again and again. This seems like a solid reason to avoid sweets any time you’re going to be outdoors for an extended period of time.
Scientists also learned that the blood suckers will remember to avoid you if you swat at them. So flail around like a crazy person for a few minutes when mosquitoes are around, and you’ll never have to worry about them bothering you.
A graveyard in Massachusetts has been the subject of vandalism — very unpatriotic vandalism at that. Someone is stealing the flags from the graves of veterans. And unsurprisingly, it’s the animals that are to blame.
Flags placed at graves for Memorial Day were reported missing or vandalized in the days that followed, prompting an investigation by local authorities. Now, police have identified their leading suspect: a groundhog that hates America. The investigation is ongoing, but authorities say it seems most likely to be the work of an evil groundhog, and if it is, they will catch it.
Folks, in times as divisive as these, the animals are trying to divide us even further. Let’s come together, not as Red America and Blue America, but as humans, and eliminate these vermin once and for all.
Summer is most decidedly here. And the residents of New York may soon have a new way to cool off this summer, if the state government gets its act together.
The New York state Senate recently passed a bill that would allow the sale of beer or hard cider with ice cream. This dream come true now heads to the state Assembly, where many thirsty onlookers believe it will pass. Apparently the state already allows wine and ice cream to be sold together, but that sounds gross.
If selling ice cream and beer becomes law, that means New Yorkers are that much closer to buying a Jack and Coke float. Dare to believe.
The World Cup has begun — at least that’s what we’ve been told. And host nation Russia is under an invasion from drunken Australians. After watching just one match for their home country, the Aussies drank the bars dry.
A large number of Australians traveled to Kazan, Russia, where the Australians played their first match. The relatively small town was swamped with Aussie soccer fans, who drank well into the morning, despite their team losing. In fact, they drank at least two bars completely out of beer.
Whether Australia makes it to the finals, the nation is already one of heroes.
Speaking of Fireball, who’s ready for a good truck spill story? We know Mr. Worldwide is.
In Arkansas, Interstate 40 was backed up because two trucks collided. One caught on fire, the other spilled a whole bunch of Fireball “whiskey” on the road. The westbound lanes of the highway were covered in miniature bottles of Fireball, which probably made the scene of the accident smell like a 13-year-old boy who just discovered Axe.
The drivers were not seriously injured, although many onlookers complained of a burning mouth.
We go pretty hard on beer for being made with weird stuff these days, but generally, new ingredients make beer good. The same cannot be said for liquor. Anyone who isn’t in college and takes a sip of one of those sugary flavored liquors can tell you that.
So how about a nice bourbon made with the secretions from a beaver’s anus? Tamworth Distilling is releasing Eau De Musc, a bourbon with castoreum, which is a natural flavoring. It also comes from grands located on a beaver’s butt.
Well, it’s still better than Fireball.
There have been a lot of reminders lately to reach out to friends who may be going through a tough time. Mental health is important. So we need to ask, has anyone checked on England yesterday?
Yes, Great Britain, the country you haven’t thought about since the royal wedding. The country just awarded the title of sexiest cow. Char, a Jersey cow from Devon, took the title. It was reportedly quite a tough decision, as numerous entries were made — for the title of sexiest cow. Judges from a U.K. seed company, which hosted the competition, shortened the list to 40 candidates, and eventually chose Char.
Can someone call up England and see if they want to talk about things?
Here’s a tip to anyone planning a bachelor party: don’t start the party until you arrive at the destination.
This week, a drunk guy with a sex doll caused a Belfast-bound plane to be diverted to France. According to reports, the bachelor party was already pretty loaded when they boarded the plane, and it didn’t get any better. The group was pretty rowdy and verbally abusive. When one of the group’s members was denied a drink, he got worse. It probably also didn’t help that he had a sex doll sitting with him.
The man was arrested when the plane landed in France.
A new survey of 1,000 people has found that 10% of people check their phones during sex. That probably means they need to clean their phones, too.
The survey, conducted by cell signal booster company SureCall, found that 10% of respondents admitted to checking their phones while getting it on. And nearly half of those people said they had checked their phone while banging two to 10 times in the past year. If you are dating one of these people, consider this your red flag.
Also, people 18 to 34 were twice as likely to check their phones than people aged 35 to 51. But that’s probably just because the older folks don’t know how to unlock their phone in the first place.