Dog shoots man

At the risk of sounding like liberal snowflakes, we’re going to argue that dogs should not be allowed to use firearms, despite whatever Constitutional scholars may say.

In Iowa, a man was taken to the emergency room after suffering a gunshot at the hands, er, paws of his dog. According to reports, the man was lying on his couch wearing his gun in a belly band holster — because why wouldn’t you want to be packing while relaxing on the couch? — when his dog jumped up and disabled the thumb safety and trigger safety, then jumped up again and pulled the trigger. The man was shot in the leg.

Despite the obvious assassination attempt, the man doesn’t blame the dog, but considers it an accident. Folks, studies show that the chances of being shot by your dog go up exponentially if you have a gun in your house, and even more if you own a dog.

Live free or *burp* die

Americans love beer, although, not as much as we used to. Still, as a country we value cracking open a couple and watching the game. Or cracking open a couple and relaxing on the beach. Or cracking open a couple and complaining about our spouse or boss to anyone within earshot. We like beer. But which state likes beer the most?

According to recent data, New Hampshire likes beer the most, drinking some 40.6 gallons per capita. The Midwest dominates the rest of the top five, with Montana at 39.4, North Dakota at 38.3, South Dakota at 38.2, and Wisconsin at 34.3. Maine comes in sixth at 33.8, Nebraska at 33.3, Nevada at 32.9, Vermont at 32.8, and Texas at 31.8.

At the time this data was collected all of The Guys lived in Virginia. So we promise you we’ll try harder to represent our great state for next year’s stats.

Study: Millennials are killing sex, too

At least once a day you see an article written by some old person blaming Millennials for ruining society, as if they are making conscious decisions to murder book stores or malls and they alone are able to kill off these things. Looks like we’re probably not going to be having sex anymore, either, because Millennials are killing that, too. Thanks a lot, whatever generation is old enough to work but not yet have power.

According to a study of 16,000 people born in 1989 and 1990, who have been tracked since the age of 14, one in eight 26-year-olds is still a virgin. Researchers say it’s a response to the hypersexualized society they have grown up in, and the fear of their performance being ridiculed on social media.

But the real reason is that Millennials hate everything that is good, like record shops, smoking and napkins. This is what happens when you hand out participation trophies.

Coming soon: Spider robots

When science is doing anything involving spiders, you know it’s a bad thing. But this news is twice as bad: researchers have taught a spider to jump so they can make robots.

Kim the regal jumping spider has been taught by scientists to jump on command, so that her agility can be studied, and one day, copied. The spider can jump six times its body length without a running start, and that’s something the researchers want to figure out, so that one day they can create robots that can do the same.

Folks, animals are dangerous enough as it is. Making robots that are like animals is even worse. One day you could have a robo-spider jump on you and take your freedom.

Study: The Brits would rather watch TV than shag

We live in a world where there is endless entertainment right at your fingertips. Unfortunately, it comes at the cost of our sex lives.

According to a new study in the U.K., people are increasingly using video streaming services between 10 and 11 p.m. That may not sound like anything special, but typically that’s around the time most couples are going to bed and getting it on. The study suggests that rather than sexing each other, people are streaming videos in bed.

On the other hand, good job for having such good programming, British media.

Pew! Pew! You can shoot lasers from your eyes now

Science has finally given us the ability to shoot laser beams from our eyes. It’s a wonderful future, everyone.

It’s been the dream of mankind since the dawn of comic books, and now it’s a reality, thanks to Scottish researchers. They have created a flexible plastic membrane that can be put on a contact lens, and can shoot a laser beam when it’s hit with a laser beam itself.

OK, so it’s not quite X-Men level yet. But researchers say the technology could be used for identification and security purposes, kind of like a personal bar code. Which isn’t creepy at all.

Addicted kangaroos will kill you over a carrot

Still think it’s harmless?

Kangaroos, better known as the only animals in Australia that aren’t trying to kill you, are now trying to kill you. The reason? You guessed it: carrots.

Punk tourists are getting roughed up by kangaroos who want to score some carrots. According to reports, the ‘roos in one spot outside of Sydney expect tourist groups to have food on them, especially carrots, and get violent if they don’t.

Of course, authorities blame the human victims, rather than the junkie kangaroos, for the attacks. They claim that people entice the beasts over to them for a selfie by offering carrots and other food. This makes them expect food when they see you, and when you don’t meet their expectation, you get kicked and scratched.

If this is what a gateway vegetable can do to an animal, just imagine what would happen if you got hooked chasing the orange dragon.

Holy crap! Another sh*tty runner?

The law doesn’t care how many “26.2” stickers you have on your car: keep it in your pants, runners.

Back in September, we reported on Colorado Springs’ Mad Pooper, a runner who defecated in public on a frequent basis during her jogs. Nobody caught her, although she apparently stopped after making the news.

BUT! Police did catch a different defecathlete in New Jersey. We call him: the Pooperintendent.

Police and staff at Holmdel High School caught the Superintendent (eh?) of a neighboring school, Thomas Tramaglini, allegedly brown-handed after finding poop daily on their track. We have no word whether Holmdel track coaches included his pinch times during laps.

He has been charged with lewdness and, hilariously, littering. So, let that be a warning, fellow runners: give a flip, don’t take a sh*t.

China will wet your pants for jaywalking

China is getting tough on jaywalking. In the sense that taking your picture and making your pants wet is getting tough.

The iron fist of Red China is coming down on people who cross the street against the traffic light, at least in the city of Daye. Authorities have set up sensors at major crosswalks that have facial recognition, and will spray you about waist level if you try to walk on red.

China, you’ve gone soft. You used to brutally crack down on lawlessness and rebellion. Now you control your people with gags that belong on TruTV.

Picture of stuffed anteater disqualified from photo award

There are a lot of unspoken rules in wildlife photography, like don’t swear at the animals, don’t pay the animals for their time, and no, your cats don’t count as wildlife. Another such rule is that they have to be real and alive. And one photographer lost an award for violating that one.

Britain’s Natural History Museum said it has disqualified a photo from its Wildlife Photographer of the Year award because the animal in question is dead and stuffed. The photo, taken in Brazil’s Emas National Park, depicts a large ant hill at night with an anteater coming up to feast. Turns out the anteater is a stuffed specimen usually on display at one of the park’s entrances.

Technically, it was wildlife at one point, though.