Fish orgies can deafen dolphins

Dolphins, they’re smart, they can communicate verbally to each other, and they’re huge jerks. If mankind falls, you know they’re going to be right there to take our place. But dolphins may have finally met their match: fish orgies.

In Mexico’s Gulf of California, there lurks a fish that has mating orgies that get so raucous that researchers worry it could deafen dolphins. The Gulf corvina has a mating call that sounds like a “really loud machine gun,” and when hundreds of thousands of them get together to make new Gulf corvinas, it gets really, really loud. Think a Seattle Seahawks home game, including the crowd noise pumped in through the speakers. It’s so loud you can hear it out of the water.

So noisy neighbors is all it takes to bring down dolphin? Let’s get to work, warriors.

Eat it, Canada: Santa is American

Aside from the Property Brothers, Canada has very little to boast about these days. And for a long time, Canadian officials have argued that Santa Claus is Canadian. Jolly Old St. Nick is here to say that that’s not true.

The Canadian media interviewed Santa Claus himself, only to find out that he’s an American, born in Washington, D.C., to boot. As we’ve covered before, Santa lives in North Pole, Alaska, and is on the city council there.

But what’s this? There’s a new claim being made to Santa Claus’ nationality. And it’s the Palestinians? Chris Kringle himself was spotted throwing rocks at Israeli troops recently, taking part in the protests of Palestinians that have taken place since U.S. President Donald Trump decided to recognize Jerusalem as the capital of Israel. Father Christmas’ participation in these protests could mean that Trump is on the naughty list.

Amazon cuts off access to home circumcision kits

The Lifeform Home Circumcision Training Kit came with everything pictured here, including awkward gherkin caddies.

We’ve got bad news if you waited until the last-minute to order this year’s hottest stocking stuffer. Amazon pulled infant circumcision training kits off of the market after so-called “doctors” raised concerns about amateurs cutting off wieners.

So, if you’re not sure how to circumcise a baby, now you’ll have to crowd-source for tips.

Penis.

Science: Drinking makes you live longer, avoid dementia

This holiday season, there’s plenty to feel bad about. You forgot to send your aunt a Christmas card. You’ve been pigging out on way too many cookies at your company’s holiday party. But don’t feel bad about how much you drink.

According to a new study, drinkers are less likely to have dementia when they reach 85. Researchers at the University of California San Diego conducted a 29-year study, because 30 years is excessive, and found that regular moderate drinkers are more likely to live to see 85, and not have dementia when they get there.

Even better, both women and men 85 and up who were moderate-to-heavy drinkers were found to have better cognitive health than those who didn’t imbibe at all.

The Guys are going to pick out retirement homes now because it looks like we’ll be around a while.

Home-brewing IPAs in LEO on the ISS

SpaceX successfully delivered supplies with their Dragon spacecraft to the International Space Station. If that doesn’t give you an image of a dragon-hulled Viking ship in space, then its manifest will: it delivered supplies to test if we can brew beer in space. We’re about to go just a little more boldly — thanks to booze — where we haven’t gone before.

Budweiser provided 20 barley seeds to see how they grow in microgravity. This is admittedly a few steps earlier than when The Guys start brewing. But, this is pretty important if we’re ever marooned on Mars.

“I’m getting tanked in a few weeks, Mission Control. How ’bout dem apples?”

However, SeriouslyGuys is a little concerned. With Budweiser on the ISS, there’s a distinct lack of beer diversity in space. Contact your congressperson and ask for — nay, demand — microbrews in microgravity.

17 of Santa’s helpers arrested during bar crawl

It’s nearly Christmas, and everyone’s getting into the Christmas spirit. You know, peeing in public, punching the face of the cop arresting you, all the traditional holiday stuff.

The streets of Hoboken, New Jersey were a scene of festive chaos over the weekend as a bar crawl called SantaCon came to down. Revelers dressed up like Santa Claus, got drunk, and paraded through town. And like their idol, they got into criminal mischief. Local police said they arrested 17 people during SantaCon. There was public drinking, there was public urination, there were fights. A woman even punched a police officer. Ho ho ho!

Aside from the arrests, a couple dozen Santas ended up in local hospitals. Hopefully they will make it home for Christmas.

Christmas fights back

So he said, “Let’s run and we’ll have some fun, now before I blow you away.”

It’s the War on Christmas season, as all good secular warriors know. Typically, the news of the war is all about the latest imagined assaults on the holiday that we start celebrating the day after Halloween, and how it’s going to ruin civilization as we know it. But now, Christmas is on the attack.

In Northern Ireland, Frosty the Snowman has had enough, and he’s fighting back with a rocket launcher. A man has been charged after painting a snowman holding a rocket launcher and the words “Wishing You An Explosive Christmas” on the window of an Irish Republican support group. It’s apparently against the law there to have a provocative painting.

If the Northern Ireland government scrapes Frosty down it is feared that sectarian violence will begin anew after two decades of peace.

London’s fatberg going on display at museum

A month ago, we told you about a massive fatberg in London clogging up the sewer system. It weighed some 140 tons and stretched more than 800 feet long. It took nine weeks to clear. If you read that story and thought, “I wish I could pay to see that,” we have good news for you.

A chunk of that mass of hardened fat, diapers and nasty solids British people apparently think are OK to flush, will be on display at the Museum of London sometime next year. Because this is what British culture can bring us now. A museum curator said the fatberg “will be one of the most fascinating and disgusting objects we have ever had on display.” That is a real quote.

So if you’ve been on the fence about traveling to the U.K. Consider your mind made up.

Krispy Kreme doughnut beer signals end of craft revolution

All movements have a messy and disorganized end. Usually, the revolutionaries end up eating themselves. The French Revolution overthrew a king and ended in state murders of anyone who didn’t pass an ideological purity test. Republicans misread the election of Donald Trump and nominated a pedophile for the Senate. The list goes on. Now, the craft beer movement has officially collapsed on itself.

The end has come in Florida, where most things go to die. There, a pair of breweries have teamed up to create a beer brewed with glazed and creme-filled doughnuts from Krispy Kreme. Hidden Springs Ale Works and Arkane Aleworks are bringing Floridians a Russian imperial stout that checks in at 12.5% ABV and will treat your senses to a beer, but “hopefully with some doughnut flavor,” according to one brewer.

The doughnut beer will be hitting the shelves in January. Just in time for all those New Year’s diets.

Science: Men really do have worse cold, flu symptoms

Maybe not the most positive image.

We all have social media these days, which means we all know that people we haven’t physically talked to in five years like to post stuff attacking a group of people they’re not a part of. Women who hate their husbands love to post memes about how men are pussies when they get a cold. Science says you’re wrong, ladies.

A new study has found that when men complain about cold or flu symptoms, it could be because they actually feel the effects more than women. That’s right, the popular “man flu” meme is crap because men’s immune systems leave them at greater risk for serious systems and even death.

And you know what else makes a cold worse for men? When you won’t just leave us alone.