Politics is a lot like Armaic literature: with a little bit of effort, you can read whatever message you want from it. It’s times like these that we help cull the bull from the puckey to translate for our often misunderstood policy makers.
Today, we’re reading, former Vice-President and reigning American Boogeyman, Dick Cheney’s speech on Thursday in response to Obama’s about torture, Guantanamo Bay and 9/11.
(C’mon, you’d think he’d leave that out? Not reliving 9/11 is like Bon Jovi not playing “Livin’ on a Prayer!”)
[Skipping the introductions and cutting right to the meat … ]
“When President Obama makes wise decisions, as I believe he has done in some respects on Afghanistan, and in reversing his plan to release incendiary photos, he deserves our support.”
Obama? Good guy. Very well-spoken.
“And when he faults or mischaracterizes the national security decisions we made in the Bush years, he deserves an answer.”
But he’s a butt####ing liar.
“The point is not to look backward.”
For the love of God, please don’t indict me.
“Now and for years to come, a lot rides on our President’s understanding of the security policies that preceded him. And whatever choices he makes concerning the defense of this country, those choices should not be based on slogans and campaign rhetoric, but on a truthful telling of history.”
You shut your mouth about Dick’s business. I was Secretary of Defense and the world’s most hidden Vice-President since Dan Quayle went back to finish grade school. You take your “hope” and you sit on it.
(Mother####er.)
[We’ll skip the 9/11, 1993 WTC bombing, U.S.S. Cole stuff because we’ve heard it all before … ]
“To make certain our nation country never again faced such a day of horror, we developed a comprehensive strategy, beginning with far greater homeland security to make the United States a harder target. But since wars cannot be won on the defensive, we moved decisively against the terrorists in their hideouts and sanctuaries, and committed to using every asset to take down their networks. We decided, as well, to confront the regimes that sponsored terrorists, and to go after those who provide sanctuary, funding, and weapons to enemies of the United States. We turned special attention to regimes that had the capacity to build weapons of mass destruction, and might transfer such weapons to terrorists.”
I just won a bet that I couldn’t say “terrorists” more than three times in this speech. Here, watch me call the ghost of Bea Arthur a terrorist: You’re a terrorist, Spectral Bea.
“We did all of these things, and with bipartisan support put all these policies in place.”
Except the people we called pussies, freedom-haters and terrorists. But they either stepped in line or got out of the way.
“It has resulted in serious blows against enemy operations … the take-down of the A.Q. Khan network … and the dismantling of Libya’s nuclear program.”
That’s right. I took down Khan.
(By “it,” I mean “me.”)
We blasted him into the icy depths of space, where he and his compatriots will float aimlessly, frozen safely in suspended animation. We’re confident that he will never try to gain possession of any future weapons of mass destruction.
Also, that weird Gaddafi guy stopped pretending to be a threat. That was me, too.
[Skipping parts about our brave men and women in harm’s way … because we put them there.]
[Also, to sum up parts about The New York Times breaking story after story of executive abuses, including illegal unwarranted wiretapping and interrogations of detainees:]
The New York Times can suck my me.
“In top secret meetings about enhanced interrogations, I made my own beliefs clear. I was and remain a strong proponent of our enhanced interrogation program.”
So I like torture. Wanna fight about it?
“The interrogations were used on hardened terrorists after other efforts failed. They were legal, essential, justified, successful, and the right thing to do.”
Once again, please — whatever you’re thinking — don’t indict me. They might still name an elementary school after me.
“The intelligence officers who questioned the terrorists can be proud of their work and proud of the results,”
I love to watch professionals work. The really good ones won’t even leave a mark on your skin. Top notch.
“because they prevented the violent death of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of innocent people.”
Remember? Those scary people who were going to destroy our entire country and way of life because they hate our rights and freedoms? Yeah, I didn’t mean just me.
[The speech goes on to demand that President Obama’s administration produce the intelligence that torture produced and how numerous “specific attacks that were in the planning stages and were stopped by the programs we put in place” should be brought to light.]
“As for those who asked them questions and got answers: they did the right thing, they made our country safer, and a lot of Americans are alive today because of them.
Like so many others who serve America, they are not the kind to insist on a thank-you. But I will always be grateful to each one of them, and proud to have served with them for a time in the same cause. They, and so many others, have given honorable service to our country through all the difficulties and all the dangers. I will always admire them and wish them well. And I am confident that this nation will never take their work, their dedication, or their achievements, for granted.”
“Those” and “they” is “me.” You owe me, ###holes. (Don’t indict me.)
“Thank you very much.”
#### you and your secret Muslim president. I hope you’re happy.
The dark lord spoke and we all bore witness. So it goes.