UK police look to give mystery amputee the finger

London 2010 … does anyone know what these guys ate before the Olympics? Because they’re clearly missing a few fingers.

Every summer is the Summer of Something. 1998 was the Summer of Asteroid Movies. The year before that was the Summer of George. Last summer was the Summer of Thinking 2016 is as Bad as It Will Ever Get … which means we had to find a new theme for this year instead of reheating last summer’s leftovers. So, we’re now at least waist-deep into the Summer of Mystery Amputations.

The odd thing about the Summer of Mystery Amputations, or SoMA, is that none of the amputations happened this year. In fact, many of these extremities were originally removed in previous decades or even millennia. But, today’s is much more recent: a finger found seven years ago in the U.K. that doesn’t match any open cases and was never claimed by anyone.

So, if you’ve lost a finger in London 2010, and can describe it, the police would like to free up a little space in their office fridge for an extra Cornetto.

Was Rick Snee right again?

Last Wednesday, SeriouslyGuys.com columnist Rick Snee gave it to you about the pronunciation of “2010” (again). And while he routinely projects volleys of predictions in these pieces, hoping one of them may stick, it appears he’s on the cusp of being right.

On the topic of future wars in the “Twenty-Ten” chain of events, he said the following:

“But, the Future War could be with anyone or anything. Imagine fighting aliens! Or time travellers! Or maybe even Communazis! Could the British want revenge for losing Samoa in 1900?! We can only hope!

Not one week later, the Yemeni government said that Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the Nigerian charged with attempted unChristmaslike crotch behavior on a plane bound for Detroit, was “radicalised and recruited by al-Qaeda while a student in London.”

London. As in London, England. That’s where British people come from.

It appears that the U.K. is harboring terrorists. Sounds like invadin’ time to us!

Take it from Snee: This is Twenty-Ten

Proving that the horse I’ve been whipping isn’t dead, Twenty-Ten (a.k.a. the future) has arrived. Thanks to your efforts to spread the word, people around the world are referring to this year in the manner that will separate us from our primitive 20th Century predecessors.

But, that doesn’t mean we can sit back and enjoy the jetpack ride to our moon brothels. No, now that the year has arrived, some Johnny-Come-Latelys want to go back to the old ways and slip a Two-Thousand-Ten pound shock collar over our necks.

If we value our future, we cannot allow this backslide to happen. The Thousanders (I’m looking at you, Nanette Asimov) had their chance last decade, and where did it get us?! That is why I am giving you a new mission: defending Twenty-Ten. Continue reading Take it from Snee: This is Twenty-Ten

Take it from Snee: We’re losing the 2010 war

There’s a war for our future going on right now.

It encompasses Afghanistan and Iraq, Russia and former members of the Eastern Bloc and even red and blue state alike (well, more blue state, really).

We are closer to returning to the Dark Ages than ever before, a time when years were referred to by the thousands. If we enter the next decade with the same mindset, everything we fought for the past 2,000 years will be for naught.

We talked about this before. Now it’s October, the beginning of the holiday season. As of midnight, January 1st, the pronunciation of 2010 and the fate of our children’s children will be settled.

And we’re already being dragged behind by notorious terrorist Roland Emmerich. Continue reading Take it from Snee: We’re losing the 2010 war

Take it from Snee: Join my 2010 campaign

I, Rick Snee, am throwing my hat into the ring and am officially campaigning for 2010.

No, I’m not running for office. The mere fact that I, me, am qualified only reflects how unqualified most other elected officials are. Besides, the pay’s terrible, the old guys are creepy and–because I insist on burying my own hookers myself–the hours are long.

I am campaigning for the fight of the decade: how to pronounce 2010. While some may opt for the trite “two-thousand-ten” pronunciation (which says little about their personal hygiene or moral fiber), I am a firm believer that it is time for this nation to grow up and call it Twenty-Ten as God meant it to be called. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Join my 2010 campaign

London 2012, here we come!

We’ve been telling you about how the 2010 Vancouver Olympic games are going to be a little different because of the PETA/Canada seal controversy. Well, it seems England is not to be outdone by one of her Commonwealths (Commonwealves?).

In the summer of 2012, the world’s top athletes will head to London (England) for another Olympiad. The only thing is, they’ll be competing on an ancient burial ground. Forty-five severed skulls were found in the ground on a road that is being built for the new Olympic complex, and they may date back to the first century AD, when the Romans were in town.

So let’s get ready for the Haunted Olympics! Say, has anyone reserved that title, I smell a made-for-TV movie!

But won’t somebody think of the children?

Recognizing that legal prostitution makes sex workers safer from violence, rape and STDs, South Africa has decided to lift the ban on the sex industry in their country … but only for one month, during the 2010 World Cup. Don’t worry, after all the hooligans tourists are gone they’ll go right back to making it dangerous and illegal. They do have their customer’s to think about, after all. I’m sure that there are many players happy about this as well.