SeriouslyGuys documented earlier this month how crazed and/or bored Internet users in mostly Southern states filed petitions to secede from the United States almost immediately after President Barack Obama won reelection. Of course, many Web sites like ours joked about letting those mostly former Confederate states go their merry, debt-filled, uninsured way.
Look, nobody most people weren’t really serious about that. Not really, anyway. While, yes, things would be simpler if the states that require the most federal money, yet never want to pay for it, struck it out on their own, we wouldn’t be the same country. Deep fried Oreos would be reclassified as “ethnic food” just because it comes from another country, and our nation’s foodies eat enough fried foreign tripe as it is.
You know, I thought your average American voter was a reasonably bright, discerning individual. Someone who can learn from past mistakes, and not elect the same failure. It appears I was wrong. America, how could you be so stupid? How could you re-elect Bill Pullman as President of the United States? Continue reading Take it from Snee: What has the electorate done?!
It’s been a while since we heard from our old buddy, conservative documentarian and pimp James O’Keefe. It appears he’s no longer required to stay within his home state’s lines as a condition of his probation for an attempted wiretapping, because now he’s under investigation for breaking election laws in New Hampshire.
O’Keefe and his cohorts were caught providing a false name to a poll worker in Manchester. In fact, it was the poll worker’s recently deceased husband. How recent?He died 10 days ago.
O’Keefe is now being investigated by New Hampshire’s Attorney General for video-tapping a poll worker without permission, providing a false name to secure a ballot and the federal crime of crossing state lines to tamper with another state’s election. This is also bad news for O’Keefe because he proved the opposite of what he had hoped: that lax voter ID laws don’t help Democrats commit voter fraud and steal elections.
The results from the Iowa Republican Caucus are in!
1. Mitt Romney won with 24.6 percent of the vote, proving that you get more bees with vanilla because you never know which bees are allergic to nuts.
2. Rick S@ntorum (SFW spelling) came in a close second, but he’s the only candidate of the top three to not make the Virginia primary ballot. This could spell trouble due to the state’s longstanding policy of existing “for lovers, just — you know — not like that.”
4. Newt Gingrich leads the bottom of the pack, which Newt explained makes sense since winning votes is not a popularity contest like for “senior class president.” He still plans to score the prom queen’s panties before Nov. 2, though, just to be safe.
5. Rick Perry just barely made it into double digits, which he proudly counted with both hands.
6. Michele Bachmann was last candidate to finish with full percentage points. She has suspended her campaign to harass gays at home.
After years weeks of trying to find a candidate that can beat President Barack Obama in the 2012 election, Gallup has delivered one that finally ties in poll numbers: Generic Republican Candidate.
Yes, Generic Republican Candidate! It slices tax rates and dices spending! It prays using only widely-accepted Western practices! It demonstrates high school graduate proficiency of the English language and American history!
Just open Generic Republican Candidate’s can, and use an ordinary hair dryer to remove the wrinkles from its flag pin-adorned suit and power tie in mere seconds! It comes with everything you see here and an unassailable military record!
Generic Republican Candidate: You can trust it because it’s clearly labeled “Made in America.”*
*Parts made in China, assembled in India and delivered by Mexicans.
Look, I know we’ve had our differences in the past. You wanted to be vice president, and I wanted an Earth where there’s no country ass-backwards enough to let that happen. Tomato/tobacco, right?
I’m not writing this to discuss the last election. Bygones are bygones … Well, except you’re not bygone, bygod, now are you? In fact, it seems like you want to be President in 2012 if your non-Alaskan activities are to be interpreted correctly.