All in all, having a penis is pretty great. It makes it easy to pee anywhere, gives us something to play with when our phone battery dies and guarantees our voices will be heard in any meeting or election.
But, privilege acknowledged, nobody considers the relatively few, but none-the-less devastating challenges of having a penis, the hurdles it can prevent us from clearing. And, in Japanese pole vaulter Hiroki Ogita’s case, we mean literal hurdles.
Ogita was knocked out of the first round of the Olympics pole vault competition in Rio when he nearly cleared a height of 5.3 meters (17.3 feet). Though his leg and shin made contact with the bar, it remained in place. No, it was his penis that pulled it — and his Olympic dreams — back to earth.
Oh, hello, online patients. I hope you didn’t eat all of the copies of Highlights in the waiting room since the last edition of Ask Dr. Snee. I’m taking a break from watching the Olympics — and totally not hiding from malpractice suits (whaaaat.) — in Rio, so I figured that I’d answer some of the letters my attorney forwarded me.
What is cupping, why is Michael Phelps doing it, and why won’t my doctor recommend it? — In Pain in Pawtucket
“Cupping” is the ancient Egyptian word for “keeping your massage parlor ahead of the competition.” Basically, you take the existing massage treatment — rubbing you until you’re either too embarrassed or ejaculate your problems away — and then multiply it by 72, the mystical number of virgins awaiting hucksters in heaven. Continue reading →
Kristina Mena, a U.S. expert in risk assessment for waterborne viruses, examined the AP data and estimated that international athletes at all water venues would have a 99 percent chance of infection if they ingested just three teaspoons of water — though whether a person will fall ill depends on immunity and other factors.
It would take our athletes years to acclimate to those waters, which wouldn’t prevent them from getting sick, but would lessen symptom severity. As it stands, they don’t have enough time to train without chumming their swim lanes — a considerable amount of beefy chum if you’ve ever been to a Texas de Brasil restaurant.
So, congratulations, third-world athletes. You finally found an advantage over first-world water filtration. But, seriously, what a sh*tty way to win.