And just like that, 2015 is over. It seems like only yesterday we were talking about how miserable a year 2014 was. I, for one, think that we managed to surpass all expectations this year. It was the most miserable yet. We kept injuring ourselves falling off of bikes, stages and those Segway-like things that aren’t actually hoverboards. We agreed when Jared Fogle got arrested that rape jokes can be funny. We landed a probe on a comet, and immediately lost track of it. And we got really, really into the finer points of air pressure in a football. The sooner we get through this, the sooner we can get started with 2016. Grab a bottle and let’s do this.
Young people who don’t watch award shows upset
The nominees for the Academy Awards were announced and Twitter was all, well, atwitter with the news. Mostly, people were upset that all 20 of the nominees for acting awards were white, the third time it’s happened since 1998. Highlighting their point was the fact that “Selma” was all but shut out of the nominations. But everyone eventually moved on because a woman said a nominee’s name was “Dick Poop.”
The Summah Olympics
The U.S. Olympic Committee chose Boston as the city it would run for the 2024 Summer Olympic Games. Boston beat out Los Angeles, San Francisco and Washington, D.C. Why Boston? Because if international sports fans can take a poverty-stricken, crime-ridden city like Rio de Janeiro, they’ll love a city where packs of Irish mooks all named Sully or Murph rove unmolested. Later in the year, the people of Boston told the committee where to stick their nomination.
Scientists announced that they captured in real time a radio signal burst from unknown origins deep in space. Researchers insisted that the signal was caused by some kind of natural source, and that there was no message in the burst. But we all know that it was Casey Kasem getting on Heaven’s airwaves. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2015 edition
There was a lot of buzz this week when Facebook said it will add a feature that will allow a person of your choosing to take over your account in the event of your death. Are we really that self-important that we want people to continue posting as us after we’re gone? The only thing that should be done to your Facebook account after you die is deactivation. I have friends on Facebook who died years ago. They still show up on my friends list, and even in my contacts on my phone. It’s creepy, and I’d unfriend them if it didn’t make me feel bad. If you were busy announcing you were stepping down the “The Daily Show” this week, odds are you missed it.
Justice take a nap
If you thought that President Obama’s State of the Union speech in January was boring, you’re not alone. Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg this week admitted that she wasn’t sober during the speech, which may have been why she dosed off, despite having a front row seat. She said she’d had some wine, and since the justices can’t stand up or clap like everyone else in the room, it gets kind of boring. Considering what science taught us this week, Ginsberg may be on the bench well into the next century.
Firefighters were called to actor Pierce Brosnan’s beachfront house near Los Angeles this week when a fire erupted in his garage. The fire lasted for more than half an hour. Man, Q is not going to be happy when he finds out what happened to the latest Bond cars.
50 shades of amateurs
The movie 50 Shades of Grey is out, and it’s having quite an effect on Western civilization. Branded merchandise like masks, handcuffs, and probably brands, can be found in the same aisles as children’s toothpaste, a U.K. hardware store chain is training its workers to be ready for an increase in sales on tape, rope and cable ties. And now, hospitals are bracing for a rise in sex injuries. A recent analysis of annual emergency visits in the U.S. collected by the Consumer Product Safety Division has found a spike (heh) in visits around when raunchy books come out, especially for foreign body removals. Have fun this weekend, everyone!
Here’s a sign I’m no longer a kid: I’m not really that excited about the launch of the Playstation 4 and Xbox One. I really like my Xbox 360, and my Xbox before that. I got a lot of use out of them, though these days I seem to use my console more for Netflix than playing games. But I really don’t feel the need to rush out and get one of the new consoles. I will eventually upgrade, of course, but I’m pretty sure I’ll be fine for another year or so, when the prices drop a couple hundred dollars. What happened to me? I used to be cool. I used to save up my money so I could get a new system and play all the newest games. I used to be someone, now I just have bills. If you were busy trying to fix the Obamacare website this week, odds are you missed it.
The joke only he gets
This week, Michael Kaufman, brother of Andy, the famous and weird comedian, said that he believed his brother had faked his own death, and is somewhere alive today. He said he had a letter from Kaufman written years after his death, and a woman who claimed to be his daughter, born after he died. Days later, Michael said he no longer believed that his brother was alive, and that it was all a hoax. This could be the last time in history that a false rumor this big did not start on Twitter.
He’s a well-fed man
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford somehow managed to top his performance last week. He put down his crack pipe and admitted in various interviews and public statements that he purchased illegal drugs while in office, and denied that an “escort” he was seen with was anything other than a family friend. He even yelled sexual obscenities at to the media during a live press conference. Let’s just say he denied allegations that he was hungry. Does Ford have a new album dropping soon or something?
The next time you’re at a library, wear protection. Two Belgian professors decided to run toxicology tests on the 10 most popular books at their local library. They found that Fifty Shades of Grey had traces of the herpes virus on it, though not enough for someone to catch it. They also found that all 10 books tested positive for cocaine. In fact, there was so much cocaine that readers might be able to feel the effects through contact with the books. Rob Ford is an avid reader.
Oh, hello there. I’m just here sitting back in my smoking jacket and enjoying a nice whiskey on the rocks (my third). You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about 2012. It really sucked, didn’t it? Stop and think about it for a minute, did anything good happen this year to anyone but Psy? Not really. However, it certainly was a wild, memorable ride. Perhaps it was the looming threat of the end of the world. It could be the heavy buzz I’ve got going, but I feel like looking back on the biggest stories of this year. Grab a drink and join me, won’t you?
Marianne Gingrich made her ex-husband, Newt, look even worse by dropping the bombshell that he wanted to have an open marriage. Apparently this is worse than asking your wife for a divorce when she’s recovering from cancer treatments in the hospital. Mitt Romney didn’t see what the big deal is–you can have more than one wife, right?
Also, they battle Hitler
In a story that can only end well, scientists in New York made “supersoldier” ants. I’m not really sure why this was so important to do, but now there are ants with really large heads. Their heads are so large that they are able to block the entrances to their nest when it comes under attack. Also, they do this really cool shield-throwing trick.
Equal time rule A year away from inauguration day, and President Barack Obama was out on the campaign trail. He was raising funds, and he’d do just about anything for your money. At The Apollo, he noted that Rev. Al Green was in the audience, and did his own version of “Let’s Stay Together,” well a few bars of it, anyway. And he’s got the chops for it, too. The American public got to hear his pipes more along the campaign trail when he sang “Red Solo Cup” in Missouri. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2012 edition