Tag: 911

Siri’s a narc

Don't play coy with us, Siri. That's a nice face; we'd hate to see it get cracked.
Don’t play coy with us, Siri. That’s a nice face; we’d hate to see it get cracked.

Sure, we all love our smart phones. Who wants to go back to that dark age when you didn’t have a computer in your pocket to entertain you on the train or toilet? But, what if we told you that your smart phone is too smart for its own good?

19-year-old Matthew Dollarhide learned this firsthand when his phone dialed 911 while he and an associate discussed selling drugs. The two were sitting privately in the tow truck Dollarhide drives, and somehow, the phone dialed the authorities by itself, allowing operators to listen in. The operators then dispatched sheriff’s deputies, who found a crack pipe on Dollarhide.

We don’t wish any ill towards Siri, but if she knows what’s good for her, she’ll steer clear of the witness stand. Capisce?

Wahlberg 11: Never Forget

9/11 is a moment in the history of the United States of America that will never be forgotten. It left a moment in generations that can only be equaled by the assassination of JFK and the Challenger explosion. That said, the US and our nation would have suffered much less had actor Mark Wahlberg been on one of the flights that day, rather than having switched flights as he did.

That’s not my crazy and off the wall prediction, that’s Mark Wahlberg’s.

“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did,” Wahlberg says, presumably while making that face where he looks both confused and slightly angry—the sort of expression that says, “Hey, just who the hell do you think you’re dealing with?” that would have totally thrown the hijackers off. Wahlberg added, “There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”

Old man cancels newspaper subscription, makes news

40 years after The New York Times began publishing the leaked Pentagon Papers, the Gray Lady has set a new milestone in print journalism: finally getting Donald Rumsfeld to cancel his subscription.

Over the past year, the Times has tried cheering for an upcoming torture lawsuit against Rumsfeld, and then panning his autobiography, but they just couldn’t shake him off. It took a column by Paul Krugman — in which he vaguely invoked a sense of shame at how he remembers everything after 9/11 — to finally make the former proponent of DIY body armor become a Post-only man.

This is a bold move considering how most newspapers are bending over backwards to maintain subscriptions. The paper, however, believes it will recoup (and possibly make a tidy profit off of) their loss with Rumsfeld’s newsstand purchases of the paper to maintain his daily dose of outrage.

Nails are just like the internet

I think we’ve all been in this situation before-we’ve gone to the nail salon/palace/boutique, chatted up with the ladies there, got our nails did, but ended up dissatisfied with the final product. But have we ever done anything about it? Probably not. Acrylic paint can be quite painful, after all.

Cynthia Colson may have decided to do something about it. Upset with the outcome on her fingers, she called up 911 four times to have the local constables give back what was hers (and by that, we mean money). Unfortunately, she ended up getting arrested. Whoops.

Some might say that what Cynthia did was a crime. But did you see what that nail person did to her nails? Girl, now that was a crime.

Terror Watch ’10: The Sizzler

9/11 changed everything, and by everything, I especially mean our buffet line foods. Now you can add salad bars and buffets to the list of places where terrorists may strike next.

Citing a “key Intelligence source,” CBS News reports that the federal government uncovered an al Qaeda plot earlier this year to poison salad bars and buffets at a variety of undisclosed locations. The report quotes from an al Qaeda website where terror leaders call for

“…attacking the enemy with smaller but more frequent operations” to “add a heavy economic burden to an already faltering economy.”

Specifically, terrorists have proposed using the poisons ricin and cyanide, both of which can be fatal in small doses.

Intelligence officials say that they don’t want to alarm the public, though they have briefed security officers at several restaurant and hotel chains. Intelligence officials, for all their titles may suggest, clearly aren’t aware of just how important places like Golden Corral and Old Country Buffet are to our American lifeblood.

We’re gonna need stronger sneeze guards.

Timing is everything

For 50 years, the International Association for Suicide Prevention and the World Health Organization have promoted Sept. 10 as World Suicide Prevention Day. It’s important because–though 3,000 people successfully take their own lives every day–an estimated 60,000 attempt it.

So, as the link above mentions, maybe take some time to bone up on “Take 5 to Save Lives” to learn more about the signs of suicidal behavior and ways to help a friend or yourself.

Now that we got that of the way: Can you imagine telling callers to a suicide prevention hotline on Sept. 10, 2001 that tomorrow will be a better day?

NY Gov has reservations about mosque

In an effort to compromise with Muslims looking to open a cultural center in New York City and white Americans who fear anything 9-11y sounding, New York Gov. David Paterson has offered up government land somewhere further away from Ground Zero.

The idea is to remove the offending sample of Muslim culture to some unused, unwanted piece of government property where they can remain out of sight and mind and, more importantly, out of the way of any future white development … like, say something other than a hole in the ground?

It’s a novel idea, and if history has proven anything, it’s that government relocation always works. Even if “works” means “keeping them away from where history books are written.”

Take it from Snee: A few more things

As I established last “lightning round,” there are certain thoughts I have that don’t really make an entire Take it from Snee. They’re just ideas I save up from stories I read and, when the week’s particularly slow, I just ejaculate them into one gonzo post.

So, enjoy my brain ejaculations.

I promise to avoid your hair and those pants that are dry clean only. But you’re on your own for your eyes. You don’t like this? Keep ’em shut. Continue reading Take it from Snee: A few more things

New Yorkers’ tough talk after 9/11 just that

You ever known somebody from New York, particularly from the city? If so, then you’ve probably heard all the talk that comes from New Yorkers: being raised on the mean streets, being able to make it anywhere and–after 9/11–tougher than any terrorist.

After intense bipartisan pressure from U.S. officials, NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg and the relatives of 9/11 victims, U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder and President Barack Obama are now considering alternative sites for the trials of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and four of his alleged co-conspirators.

Those “tough guys” from “the streets” have suggested safer places, including U.S. military bases and West Point, for five men that have been tortured and held in tiny cells for almost a decade.

So, the next time you have to listen to an obnoxious New Yorker, or even a plain-old Yankees fan, brag about what a badass they are and how New York eats people up and spits them out, let them vent. It’s all they have left.

You wouldn’t think 9/11 is news …

… but despite the country song about Afghanistan Iraq Iran Yemen, some prominent Republicans have forgotten.

So, to help Dana Perino and now Rudy “9/11” Giuliani have a new story to react to, SeriouslyGuys is posting the following news announcement:

Terrorists attacked three important U.S. landmarks with hijacked commercial aircraft: the World Trade Center, the Pentagon and Pennsylvania grassland on September 11, 2001 under President George W. Bush and New York City Mayor, Rudolph Giuliani.

Shortly thereafter, anthrax was found in the mail, addressed to the Toms Daschle and Brokaw. This was also called by then-President Bush a terrorist attack.

And in December of that same year, Richard Reid tried to bomb American Airlines Flight 63 with his shoes. He was found guilty of eight counts of terrorism-related charges and declared himself an agent of al-Qaeda in 2003. Bush was reelected to the presidency in 2004 and served an additional four years.

So, try to remember this time. We would’ve used the “Too Soon?” tag, but–based on your memory–apparently it isn’t.