Hot Shots! Part 9/11

We live in troubled times my friends. There is an economic crisis at hand, the very real possibility of war at any moment is upon us and no one from the cast of Full House is relevant anymore. We need strong leadership, we need something to galvanize us together as a country, we need Charlie Sheen demanding to speak with President Barack Obama about a 9/11 cover-up?

For those of you who like to stay current with politics and international affairs, 9/11 reaches it’s eighth anniversary tomorrow. And nothing says “let’s continue to move forward” quite like sitcom stars taking up our President’s time by harping on a subject that wasn’t even a part of his administration.

Way to go Charlie! Maybe next time President Obama will demand to speak to you about your Oscar snub for The Arrival.

*For giggles look at the bottom of the article after the political rant as the last sentence details Sheen’s marital status.

And the ‘Sensitivity in Headline Writing’ award goes to …

For sensitivity above and beyond what decency calls for.Anyone can write a heart-wrenching piece about a 40-year married couple, who had been together since prom, that were killed together in a catastrophe.

Maybe fewer could tug at the heartstrings further by describing how they had just finished volunteering with wounded soldiers beforehand.

And perhaps only the bastard child of Nicholas Sparks and Michael Bay would throw in that one of them helped save America on 9/11 by ordering fighter jets into the air that morning.

But with just one headline about them being “inseparable” when they died in a completely crushed together DC Metro train car, all that work is undone.

Congratulations, CNN.

(Just in case they change it, here’s a screenshot.)

SG Translates: Dick Cheney’s May 21 speech

Politics is a lot like Armaic literature: with a little bit of effort, you can read whatever message you want from it. It’s times like these that we help cull the bull from the puckey to translate for our often misunderstood policy makers.

Today, we’re reading, former Vice-President and reigning American Boogeyman, Dick Cheney’s speech on Thursday in response to Obama’s about torture, Guantanamo Bay and 9/11.

(C’mon, you’d think he’d leave that out? Not reliving 9/11 is like Bon Jovi not playing “Livin’ on a Prayer!”)

[Skipping the introductions and cutting right to the meat … ] Continue reading SG Translates: Dick Cheney’s May 21 speech

New York: One tough town

New Yorkers are “annoyed — furious is a better word” — that the Air Force One flyover of NYC was not a terrorist attack. Though the plane and its F-16 escort veered frustratingly close to the site of Ground Zero, the plane was not piloted by terrorists and did not crash into any buildings.

Enraged and traumatized to be teased with what could have been a very painful and scary moment, New York politicians like Mayor Michael Bloomberg and Senator Chuck Schumer want to know why New York wasn’t informed and whose head will roll for not killing several thousand of their constituents.

Even the therapists can’t handle the influx of tramautized patients. Social worker, Linda Garcia-Rose complained about being inundated with calls from patients who survived the tantalizingly-close calamity, many of whom live three blocks away from the World Trade Center.

‘Nugget lady is embarrassed by her actions’ — shocking!

In a SeriouslyGuys update, we think it’s important to tell you that actions sometimes have repercussions.

A few days ago, LaTreasa Goodman was in the mood for chicken nuggets at her local McDonald’s. Unfortunately, they were all out. So, she did what any insane sensible person would do and called 911 three times because they were out of the fried meat patties.

Fortunately, LaTreasa now seems to have learned something from her actions. Patience. Humility. Self-esteem. Options (something which the manager of the restaurant clearly did not want to give). The difference between an “emergency” and an emergency.

“When you feel that you’ve been mistreated or misused or robbed out of your money, you have the right to call 911,” Goodman said. “That’s the purpose of 911, so I thought.”

Or, maybe not. No. No no no no no no no.

Please detonate on or before 12-2-2013

It’s that most wonderful time of year, again. Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? The halls are being decked with boughs of holly, fa-la-la-la-la.

(La-la la la.)

And, of course, Congress is warning us that terrorists could kill us within the next five years using weapons of mass destruction.

A prize-winning panel — at least one that earned a blue ribbon — believes that a biological or nuclear attack is likely between now and 2013. After that, the window of attack is closed and terrorists will have to use pointy sticks or something.

So, remember, these next five years are borrowed time. According to former Senator Bob Graham, we could be looking at “9/11 times 10 or a hundred.”

9,110 or even 91,100, people. We don’t even have calendars that read like that.

In related news, Congress doesn’t know that the elections are already over.

Update (5:51 PM):
OK, just checked the math. Actually,

(9/11) * 10 = 8.181818…

and

(9/11) * 100 = 81.818181…

Still, this does not compute on any reassuring calendar known to Americans.

Putin: ‘B-b-b-but they did it!’

For a not-president-of-Russia-anymore, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin sure has a lot to say about the invasion of Georgia. (They’re now up to ceasefire number 28: one more beats the Israeli-Palestinian monthly record!)

Putin now accuses the United States of starting this war, claiming our government encouraged Georgia to oppress South Ossetia and dispatched agents to orchestrate the entire affair.

Nice try, Putin. We wrote the book on making up other countries’ involvement in our wars (see: Iraq and 9/11). Don’t try to snow a snowman.

Bonus alternate punchline:
Oh, c’mon. We can’t be responsible for all of today’s wars! Mel Gibson has a theory you could borrow.

A Day in the Life of a 911 Operator

No matter how exciting of a job we have, eventually it becomes mundane. There’s nothing unconscionable about becoming desensitized to, say, emergency savings withdrawals or organizing a staff potluck. But we still feel bad because that’s what we’re paid to do (read: supposed to care about).

So can you imagine how a 911 operator must feel when the honeymoon’s over? One in Memphis actually fell asleep during a robbery call. In the interest of giving the benefit of doubt, we present: A Day in the Life of a 911 Operator. Continue reading A Day in the Life of a 911 Operator