Tag: aarp

Poop your way to longer life

Have we got good news for those of you who fear dying, ever! According to data from the National Institutes of Health and the AARP, people who consume high fiber diets have a lower risk of death.

The trade-off is that most of that extra time on Earth will be spent on the can.

Now, before you get all excited and take up dangerous deathsports:

1. “Lower risk of dying” does not mean there’s a chance you won’t die at all. This is why doctors aren’t allowed to write childrens’ books. (Seuss flunked out for a dame.)

2. It has to be real fiber: grains like oats and wheat. Leave your grandmom’s basket collection alone.

That over-50 fringe voting group

We’ve heard about every small swing-voting group this election:

  • The youth vote
  • Real Americans
  • Women
  • Closeted white supremicists
  • Terrorists (Who knew suicide bombers want health care?)

There’s one tiny group, though, that has been swept under the carpet, ignored for all intents and purposes … until today.

Yes, now the pundits are focused on what’s good for retired Americans, that plucky little band of people over 50, now including some 76 million baby boomers, who decide every election.

If you thought it was the NASCAR dads or the plumbers that counted the most this election, then the news managed to jerk you off this whole time. It was your grandpa that keeps sending you emails about secret Muslims who mattered. Don’t you feel silly for spam blocking him now?

Fortunately, there’s something you can do: support Proposition 268 or, as we’ve nicknamed it, Logan’s Amendment. Logan’s Amendment will send all of the elderly to a fabulous Carousel for the rest of their natural lives, where they will live in bliss until God calls them home.

Sound harsh? OK, well it’s that our you start calling in some birthday favors.