Screwed up royally?

British people might argue that Americans can’t understand what it’s like to support an archaic family dynasty that wields no real power anymore. To that The Guys reply, “Well, yeah. What are you, retarded?”

Of course, the British do the same thing with their useless family lineages that we do with ours during wars: send them to military school indefinitely, and — if that doesn’t work out — stick them in the National Guard until the conflict blows over.

Prince William managed to make the news for once because of reports alleging that he grounded a training jet during flight school by toggling when he should have flicked, resulting in an “overcooked” jet engine. It’s a fairly common mistake and only a big deal because his Dad is waiting for his grandmother to die before growing up.

The Little Prince still passed flight school and is currently training to be a search-and-rescue helicopter pilot. He also holds commissions in the British Navy and Army. If he joins one more branch, does he get to wear a super-duper uniform that incorporates the best parts from all services?

How To: Score a million dollars

  1. Get super extremely drunk.
  2. Fall down onto an oncoming subway train’s path and lose a leg.
  3. ??????
  4. Profit.

Well, or something like that. Dustin Dibble, newly made cripple (what’s the PC term for that? “bi-crus challenged?”) was walking home, stinking drunk from having a night out with his friends, when he falls down … onto a subway track … with a subway train bearing right down … over his right leg.

Whoops.

Despite being so hammered that he doesn’t actually remember the event happening, he was still awarded over 2.3 million dollars in a lawsuit against the NYC Transit. Surprisingly enough, there’s been no mention of how far away the train was when Dibble fell down. Dibble’s defense case in court:

“It was just an accident [but] it wasn’t my choice to lose my leg,”

Which is commendable, mind you. It’s so good to see that getting piss drunk and falling into the path of an oncoming subway train hasn’t dampened his inability to take responsibility for his actions. Well done, sir. Well done.

How To: Kill your parents

Let’s face it: for one reason or another, your parents have to die. Maybe it’s because you need that inheritance. Perhaps it’s because they’ve told you clean up your room too many times. Or you might just blame them for life.

We’ve already told you how to use violence to solve all of your familial problems. Since we try not to repeat ourselves, this guide will be a little different. Besides, if both of your parents suddenly end up dead, you’re the prime suspect. Prison or lethal injection is no way to enjoy a parent-free life, so read on to learn how to kill your parents. Continue reading How To: Kill your parents