Jesus is for states’ rights in N.C.

Probably what the Rowan County temple parking lot looks like on the Sabbath.
Probably what the Rowan County temple parking lot looks like on the Sabbath.

This may come as a bit of a surprise, but North Carolina’s not huge on social progress or the law.

A bill in the North Carolina House would establish a state religion just because they don’t want to have to stop praying in an overtly Christian way during local government meetings. This all stems from a dispute between the ACLU and the Rowan County government.

The ACLU has filed a lawsuit because the county board of commissioners has opened 97% of its meetings since 2007 with Christian prayers. It’s legal to pray at government meetings, just not specifically to one religion. Rather than tone down the name checks to Jesus, the local leaders kicked it up to the state level. Two Rowan County representatives introduced the bill that would not only make North Carolina officially Christian, but it would nullify any federal law or court ruling against it. Let’s take a look at the bill.

“The Constitution of the United States does not grant the federal government and does not grant the federal courts the power to determine what is or is not constitutional; therefore, by virtue of the Tenth Amendment to the Constitution of the United States.”

Does too.

“The North Carolina General Assembly asserts that the Constitution of the United States of America does not prohibit states or their subsidiaries from making laws respecting an establishment of religion.”

Wrong again.

“The North Carolina General Assembly does not recognize federal court rulings which prohibit and otherwise regulate the State of North Carolina, its public schools or any political subdivisions of the State from making laws respecting an establishment of religion.”

Actually, it’s the “supreme Law of the Land.”

We’ve been through this before, South. Don’t make us come down there again.

Perhaps this case goes all the way to the high court?

Frank Shoemaker, a Nebraskan attorney, really wants his state to legalize marijuana. Frank’s sponsored a petition drive to make legalization a state ballot issue. But, when he tried to take his message to the streets with a vanity license plate, the DMV refused, and now he’s fighting The Man (who is a woman named Beverly Neth) in court.

All Frank wanted was a license plate that said, “NE 420,” but Neth wouldn’t give it to him. She believes the plate could mean anything, from “Adolf Hitler, who was born on April 20, 1889” to “the Columbine High School massacre in Colorado, which took place on April 20, 1999.” Or, as Neth initially said, it could be about promoting marijuana use, an illegal drug in the state … unless:

  • Unless Frank Shoemaker gets his license plate …
  • And enough petition signatures …
  • And enough votes to pass his ballot measure.

What the DMV’s saying is: it’s a slippery slope.

A view to a kill

The ACLU and four other groups will have their day in court to challenge a controversial anti-abortion law in North Carolina. The law requires abortion doctors to show and describe ultrasound images of the fetus to the ex-MILF-to-be before rotor-rooting her coote … insides.

And you know what? The ACLU is right: this law is absurd.

“Absurd” as in “it doesn’t go far enough.” Showing a fuzzy black-and-white image that only a doctor can describe won’t pull hard enough at a mother’s heartstrings.

The Guys, who just loves them some unwanted babies, want a new law. A better law. A law that requires the mother to watch a video of her womb-parasite Photoshopped into being inaugurated President of the United States, accepting a Nobel Peace Prize or punching Hitler.

Wal-Mart fires inept employees?

You wouldn’t know it by walking in one, but Wal-Mart has employment standards. They proved it by firing Joseph Casias, 2008’s Associate of the Year.

How had Casias fallen so far in only a year? Marijuana.

Well, also cancer, living in Michigan and a prescription for marijuana from his doctor.

But still: Joseph Casias is a reefer addict, and The Store That Sam Built can’t abide junkies jeopardizing “the safety of its customers and associates.” (They will continue to sell three-day old hot dogs to stoner customers, however.)

And just in case you aren’t on the exploitative global corporations’ side yet, guess who’s leading the fight against them? The ACLU. We’re not saying you’re wrong for agreeing with the ACLU per se, just that God may not be able to tell the difference when you die.

Judge rules First Amendment protects dooty-head

A federal magistrate has ruled that Katherine “Katie” Evans, who apparently doesn’t have clever enough friends to give her a cool nickname, can sue her principal for violation of her First Amendment rights.

The stinky-sounding Evans posted a critical Facebook page of her teacher in 2007, dubbing the educator “the worst teacher I’ve ever met.” Evans took the page down a couple of days later. We cannot confirm whether Evans is stupid or lazy, but her reliance on Facebook doesn’t help her case.

Two months later, the principal, Peter Bayer, found out about the page and suspended Evans for 3 days. He also reached our same conclusion and bumped her down from her Advanced Placement classes.

We agree, though: Evans’ speech against her teacher is Constitutionally-protected and her principal was wrong to punish her, even if she is a sniffly, desperate, drama queen with cloven feet, backbreaking halitosis and deficient iron in her blood. (That’s right, we said it: “Katie” Evans is anemic.)

New airport scanner spurs quaint privacy complaints

There's nothing intimidating about walking through a X-ray machine with your hands behind your head.Stick-in-the-mud organizations like the Electronic Privacy Information Center, the Privacy Coalition and the American Civil Liberties Union are concerned about new airport security scanners that image your body under your clothes to detect metal objects and liquids.

They call this a “virtual strip search,” which would replace the traditional metal detector walkthrough and follow-up groin massage.

(This thought in itself is disturbing as we look forward to our pre-flight happy ending that calms our jitters. Fortunately, there’s still booze.)

Clearly, these “civil liberties” organizations are a bunch of prudes trying to conceal our bodies. In an age of constant twitter updates, breastfeeding photos on Facebook and amateur porn stars on BangBus, who are these ludites to speak for us?

We’re gonna be stars, dammit, and that’s why we don’t wear underwear.

Take it from Snee: I am an American-American

Not too long ago, I wrote about my harrowing experience at a Taco Bell where the cashier refused to speak English. (Despite my best efforts, she also refused to go home. Taco Bell, you’ll be hearing from my lawyers!) At the end of that piece, I promised to fulfill my new calling: combating injustice in the United States of America. If you recall, I also asked all of you to do the same.

Imagine my shock to find that the entire country has ignored my cause. Maybe I spoke too much truth, because the truth hurts and there are a lot of defensive people out there. I am encountering even more assaults on my American-American roots. That’s right: I’m so American that I’m a minority amongst Americans. Continue reading Take it from Snee: I am an American-American

Sects Sells: ACLU suddenly likes Jesus?

Having just kicked the Easter Bunny out of shopping malls, the American Civil Liberties Union has found a new high-profile case to remind Americans that they’re still around. However, they’ve zigged just when we thought they would zag.

The ACLU is taking on the state of Texas, claiming they may have violated state and federal laws when they raided the XFZ polygamist ranch in Eldorado and then placed all 416 children in state custody. (This is not to be confused with the Bunny Ranch in Mound House, Nevada, where polygamy is only one of many services offered.)

Look, ACLU, you need to decide: do you or don’t you like Jesus? Or do you only like Jesus when he’s marrying his underage cousins? This blog’s best guess is that you’re entertaining your perverted Little House on the Prairie fantasies.

Bonus: The judge who sent all those kid’s into protective custody?  None other than Judge Barbara Walthers.  (OK, not really that one.)