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Not so Jolly Roger

No doubt ye know about the rash o’ pirate attacks in the last several months. They’ve been robbin’ an’ plunderin’ to their hearts’ content–except for when the U.S. Navy shoots them. In any case, these pirates be givin’ pirates a bad name, so says Cap’n Slappy, one o’ the founders o’ International Talk Like A Pirate Day.

He said that these pirates have little or nothin’ to do with the free-wheelin’, rebellious, swasbucklin’ pirates we all know and love. Instead they should be called terrorists or sea-thugs.

Now, technically, the Somali pirates be the real definition o’ pirates, but Cap’n Slappy has a point. Can ye imagine Jack Sparrow with an AK-47?

Sex Internet sells

According to a recent survey, many adults, including 46 percent of women, would be willing to go without sex for two weeks rather than lose their Internet access.

Not surprisingly, men more reluctant on that one. Only 30 percent of those surveyed would do the same thing. Still, that seems kind of high, especially for dudes. Then again, you can give up sex and still technically get some action online, whereas you cannot copulate and update your Facebook profile at the same time. So there is a bit of logic to this one.

We here at SG would like to welcome all of our new, sexually frustrated women readers. We shall do our best to keep you happy, because apparently other men in your life cannot. Stay with us as we make with the funny.

Rather smoke Reds than dead

The latest health crisis to hit our elementary schools? Flavored cigarettes.

With menthol no longer moving cartons, tobacco companies are luring in new smokers with flavors like cocoa, honey, vanilla and licorice. Doesn’t sound too bad, right?

Think again.

When you burn cocoa, it turns into bromine gas, which will kill you!*

The moral of this story is simple, parents: when you put your kids on cigarettes, for diet and/or self-esteem reasons, make sure it’s a good clean American smoke.

Stay away from the fruity flavors; they’re counterproductive, anyway, if your kid’s trying to look cool.

*Very slowly because it “dilates and anesthetizes the lungs, maximizing their absorption of smoke and nicotine.”

Dirty armpit sniffer fails to get away clean

A man in Singapore who was unable to control his passionate love for armpits (Ed. note: big ew) was sentenced to 14 years in prison for attacking women to get his sniff on; he was also caned 18 times just to make sure he got the message. Or maybe that’s the other way around.

Anyways, the moral: if you want to get up in someone’s armpit, it probably doesn’t hurt to ask first. Unless, you know, they’ve got a can of Mace in their hand. If so, then sorry dude, it’s gonna hurt to be you. Besides, shouldn’t you have been in stereotypical France anyways if you wanted to do this?