Hey guys, how’s it going? Hopefully your house is still standing, and wasn’t flooded, blown to smithereens, or burned. We’re really checking all the boxes for natural disasters this month. This weekly feature has been missing largely because I’ve had family stuff to attend to. But here we all are. Let’s get reacquainted. If you were busy ending your marriage with Fergie this week, odds are you missed it.
Is this not a test?
TV viewers in California were shocked when emergency alerts flashed on their screens with incoherent messages. One message was a panicked voice talking about the government working with extraterrestrials, and the other proclaimed that violent times were ahead. It turned out that both were recordings of crazy people calling in to radio shows years earlier. Man, I hate sweeps week gimmicks.
From Russia with likes
This week, it was uncovered that Russian-funded ads on Facebook spreading pro-Trump propaganda and even organized Trump rallies while appearing to be grassroots movements. President Donald Trump responded in his typical, even-keeled way, saying that the Facebook ad controversy was fake news. So the news about the fake news on the site plagued continually by fake news is fake news. Get it straight.
The gateway spice
Experts say that pumpkin spice can really be addictive. They say while the flavors can trigger feelings of holidays and family, if you consume them enough, your body will soon crave it. Researchers warn the demographic most at risk to get hooked on pumpkin spice are “basic bitches.”
Certain species actually prefer flowers treated with neonicotinoids to plain ass poseys. And that surprised the developers of it because they intentionally made it bitter to avoid such a reaction. Clearly, those researchers don’t drink coffee or smoke cigarettes (the latter of which contains the opposite of neonicotinoids: old, genuine nicotine).
So, thank you, D.A.R.E. officers for teaching us something useful besides how wearing skin-tight anti-drug t-shirts to raves is a great icebreaker.
A group of adolescents interred at an internet addiction boot camp rose up against their oppressors last week, restraining their supervisor and fleeing the facility to taste sweet, sweet freedom. At least until their parents sent them back. Bummer.
China admits it has an internet addiction problem, which is the first step towards recovery. The popular second step right now is sending teens and adults addicted to the internet and online gaming to boot camps, where instructors use military techniques to try and instill a sense of discipline in folks who’d rather just play World of Warcraft.
A group of 14 addicts aged 15 to 22 interred at the Huai’an Internet Addiction Treatment Centre in China’s Jiangsu province decided they’d had enough last week, tying their supervisor to his bed and fleeing the grounds. Their freedom was short-lived, however. All 14 were caught by police after failing to pay the fare for a taxi they used in their daring escape. Thirteen of those have already been returned to the center by their parents. Someone sound The Price Is Right’s fail horn for me, would you please?
It’s no surprise that cigarettes are harder to quit than heroin. We’ve heard the stats and arguments about this before multiple times by now. But are other guilty pleasures just as addictive-like, say, chocolate?
Italian researchers set out to discover just how much compulsive behavior plays a role in eating disorders. Rossella Ventura, leader of the research team at the Santa Lucia Foundation in Rome, took two sets of mice – the experimental group was starved (which we approve) while the control was fed normally (which we don’t approve as much) – and trained them to choose between two chambers in a maze. The first chamber was empty while the second had a bit of chocolate inside. Once this conditioning was established, they added a mild electric shock to the chocolate room.
They then allowed the starved mice to eat their way back to normal weight and let both sets into the maze. The mice that had been well-fed throughout experienced the shock and quickly learned to avoid the chocolate chamber (awww). The previously starved mice, on the other hand, fought through the pain in pursuit of the chocolate (sort of yay), despite the fact that they were now being fed adequately elsewhere.
Ventura believes this willingness to ignore negative consequences in pursuit of food even when there is no great need for it demonstrates part of the behavior components that underlie eating disorders in humans and animals. Frankly, we at SG don’t care if they’ve got bulimia or boo-urnslimia. This is information that we can use in our great war against nature, and boy oh boy, is it good information. Can we suggest attempting the experiment on a larger scale, but then incorporate flamethrowers rather than just electric shocks? Oh, and just starve all the animals in this large scale experiment?
Let’s face it. The problem is everywhere you look. It’s on street corners, it’s on coffee tables, it’s even on the subways of our fair nation. It has the potential to ruin lives. The problem we are speaking of, of course, is Sudoku.
Recently, Sudoku hit the Australian judicial system when a trial for another vice, drugs, was aborted after it was found jurors were spending half of their time playing Sudoku. The scandal was uncovered the court discovered that some jurors were writing notes vertically during the trial.
Known for hooking people after just one try, Sudoku transfixes people with numbers and little boxes. Before you know it, you are doing the puzzles during dinner. From there, you are just a step away from sexual favors in a back alley for a pencil.
So, if you followed last week’s How To, you got your band back together. How’s it going? Oh, you say your big reunion tour’s over already? That’s OK, because every band goes through a couple of false starts before the big reunion (see: every Van Halen attempt to reunite with Diamond Dave).
But before that happens, it’s time to evaluate what went wrong. Just like any breakup, we’ll bet dollars to donuts that it failed for the same reason that led to your first breakup: addiction. Also, you should probably change your socks.
Suffer from feelings of withdrawal when a computer cannot be accessed.
Remember that time you tried us at gunpoint, just to see if there were any new Fark headlines? That was scary.
Increasingly need better equipment.
You camped out for an iPod Nano. You already have a regular iPod and a video iPod.
Need more time to use it.
We used to go on trips. Now “there’s never enough time” because your 2,000 Facebook friends are constantly updating their relationship statuses.
Experience negative repurcussions from your addiction.
You lost your job because you were distracted by a flame war in Cary Tennis’ advice column about breast implants. Your children have to eat chiclettes for lunch. Oh, and you totaled the car because you were texting your BFF to let him know “where u at.”
As we said, The Guys love you, but you have an addiction, and it hurts us to watch your downward spiral. You don’t have to quit the Internet, but you could cut back. How about just reading SeriouslyGuys from here on out?