Zoo selling out Valentine’s Day in order to get paid, son

What’s a good way to screw up Valentine’s Day? Give no gift? How about giving the wrong gift?

If you answered yes to the latter, then you too will share the theory that the San Francisco Zoo does not want you to get laid.

For a nominal (and varying) donation amount, a person can adopt a scorpion or a hissing cockroach for their loved one for Valentine’s Day. Said person will then get a certificate of adoption and either a stuffed arachnid or plastic insects to show that whoever bought them this gift is a lousy person. The Zoo is even marketing the packages as gifts that can be given to ex-lovers.

You know what costs less than a donation amount? Death to the hissing cockroaches and death to the scorpions. It costs a lot less.

Putin hits us right in the Jolie’s

In his final Cabinet meeting of the year, Russian President Vladimir Putin regretted cutting into Angelina Jolie's selection of children, saying that he would be more than willing to still help her have Russian children. With his dick. ("Brad can watch.")
In his final Cabinet meeting of the year, Russian President Vladimir Putin said that, while he regrets cutting into Angelina Jolie’s selection, he would be more than willing to help her have Russian children. With his dick. (“Brad can watch.”)

Mark it on your calendars, fellow Americans. From this point on, we can no longer adopt designer babies from Russia. According to a bill signed by Russian President Vladimir Putin, wealthy U.S. moms will have to dress underfed kids from pretty much everywhere else in the world in our country’s unused skinny jeans.

If that sounds harsh, please realize that this was in response to a U.S. bill that promised sanctions on Russians who have violated human rights. And, you know what? We’re with Putin. After all, what’s the point of protecting human rights abusers if there aren’t any unwanted children in your country for them to abuse?

Woody Allen, eat your heart out

John Goodman (no, not that one) has completed a tricky legal maneuver known in law circles as adopting your grown-ass girlfriend.

Goodman, who inherited a fortune through the air conditioning business, had access to said fortune restricted while he faces civil and criminal charges for allegedly drunk driving and killing Scott Wilson. His family was cut off from a trust he set up for his biological children, but now his girlfriend/daughter has immediate access to a third of it.

This also allowed for one of the greatest sentences ever written in the history of copy: “The couple has been dating since 2009, and she is now Goodman’s third legal child.” Ewwwwww.

Don’t believe everything you read

The conservo-liber-fauna media would have you believe that shortly after being adopted, Hercules the Saint Bernard chased off a home invader. What a hero!

Pardon us for our skepticism.

Let’s examine the facts:

  1. Home invader breaks into the house of the Littlers
  2. Family adopts a dog
  3. Dog goes out for a walk, smells the intruder, chases after the burglar
  4. Burglar runs away, dog is seen as a hero

How coincidental. You’ll have to excuse me for seeing a grift when I see one.

Haiti has a police force? Who knew?

Ten American civilians–Baptists, to be exact–were arrested by the Haitian government for allegedly trying to smuggle 33 children across the border into the Dominican Republic.

The Haitian Prime Minister, Max Bellerive, said they could be charged with kidnapping since the government put all new adoptions on hold until, you know, people aren’t living in tent cities and thousands of parents aren’t presumed still missing.

Other officials have objected to the Baptists’ adoption on the grounds of, “Did you see Footloose? Why would we send our children to that kind of hell?”

Update (2 Feb 2010): Parents of the “orphans” are showing up to reclaim their children. Whoops!