Tag: Aerosmith

Senior citizen-on-senior citizen crime!

Sometimes, when a story is important enough, you have to find the right source to present it in just the right way; otherwise, you might miss the essential life lesson.

Fortunately, Fox News is on the case!

The Case of Joe Perry and the Rear-ended Motorcycle seemed nigh unsolvable. Why did this happen? Who would hit a beloved American icon (in 1993)? Where did the system go wrong? Will it ever be safe to ride a two-wheeled overpowered vehicle that doctors call a “donorcycle” again?

The Fox answers: it’s the fault of a senior citizen driver.

The 59-year-old lead guitarist of your dad’s favorite band was hit on his motorcycle by a 62-year-old biddy who should have had her licensed seized at least five years ago!

It’s like our grandparents broke up

It's always a little sad when the only chick in the band leaves.

They may have stayed together for Liv Tyler, but it looks like Steven Tyler and the rest of Aerosmith just can’t keep up appearances anymore. (Although, Tyler’s injury from a fall led to the canceling of said appearances.)

Of course, there’s always one party of denial in any breakup, especially when they’ve been together for 39 years–just shy of the ruby anniversary. Joe Perry said he hasn’t heard it direct from Tyler himself. But, he’s still auditioning younger, hotter singers just in case.

In related news, both Sesame Street and the NASA moon landing–who just celebrated their own 40th anniversaries–clucked at the sad state of Aerosmith and mused that nobody has the patience to work at a relationship anymore.

You Missed It: No one cares what you’re doing edition

I’m back! I know you missed me. But then again, as was proven last week, just because I go on vacation to forget about you does not mean that YMI ceases to exist. It’s sort of like the news in that sense, isn’t it? In any case, I have returned and I am refreshed. Can you say the same? If you were busy making a cargo ship disappear, odds are you missed it.

Your pointless babble brings on the whale
A recent study of tweets on Twitter, the microblogging service, found that around 40 percent are “pointless babble.” This comes as a shock to many, who could have sworn the number was closer to 99.9999999999999999 percent. So what are the remaining 60 percent of tweets? About 35 percent are updates about what song or band a person is listening to right now, 20 percent are complaints about work, class, the weather and illness, while the remaining 5 percent are updates on bowel movements.

This AND Steven Tyler is in the hospital?
NASA said this week that unless it gets more federal funding it will not be able to meet its 2020 goal of tracking 90 percent of the asteroids that could hit the Earth and kill off life as we know it. But that’s OK, your federal dollars are going to more important things. As the ancient Sumerian saying goes, if you live long enough, everything turns into a Bruce Willis movie.

Just in time for the Woodstock anniversary
Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme was released from prison today after spending 34 years in jail for the attempted assasination of President Gerald Ford. Fromme was a member of the Manson family, which is connected with other crimes, such as a two-day killing spree in 1969. Has anyone told Ford about this yet? Oh, wait.

Quick, someone call Bruce Willis!

Forget Anthrax! Screw weapons of mass destruction! Smallpox, you’re just old news! The real threat to human safety is not on the planet, but above the planet.

It’s that time of the year again! Yes, the world’s scientific community has gotten together, not to finally give us our f—ing jet-packs already, but to give awareness to the world that the most serious threat to Earth are asteroids. Something Hollywood has been telling us for the past ten years, at least.

To sum up the points of the conference:

  • The Association of Space Explorers wants the UN to approve asteroid interception missions.
  • An asteroid may have killed off all of the dinosaurs.
  • Asteroid Apophis, like everything else in space, has a possible chance of hitting Earth.
  • Gravity can be used to deflect asteroids.
  • If Apophis hits Earth, we’re boned.
  • We must take this threat for real because, let’s face it, we won’t always have Ben Affleck around to protect us.

What can save us now:

  • Michael Bay’s filmmaking
  • A power ballad by Aerosmith
  • President Morgan Freeman
  • Superboy of Earth Prime