Schwarzenegger? He knew ‘er very well, actually

The media and a lot of comedy sites are latching onto the Schwarzeneggers’ personal tragedy. The Guys, however, are bigger than that. We’re looking for the teachable moment here, so that’s why we reached out to Gov. Schwarzenegger and asked if he had learned anything.

Arnold?

Annnnnnnnnnnnnd…?

Yes, b–

And there you have it.

Must’ve been all that sexy abstinence talk

When family values Rep. Mark Souder (R-Ind.) announced he would resign his congressional seat after his affair with a female staffer, we were surprised. No, not because it was with a woman. We were surprised because we assumed that Souder had no genitals.

But that’s not important right now.

What is important is that the staffer in question, Tracy Jackson, also resigned. Jackson’s job was to produce videos for Souder on the topics of family values–including marital fidelity–and abstinence until marriage.

The Guys wish Ms. Jackson all the best on the next phase of her career where she trains babysitters until she’s caught molesting a baby.

Eat My Sports: Can’t spell ‘sports entertainment’ without ‘sports’

Bryan Schools is still learning what it’s like to go the rest of his life without sex, so I’m filling in for him this week. Here’s “Take These Sports from Snee and Eat Them.”

I’m not about to say that the entire sporting world is in trouble. But, certain teams and players could use a–ahem–boost:

That was the stands from last night’s Baltimore/Kansas City game at Camden Yard. Granted, it had rained all day and night, but even if you lived next door, would you bother to attend to watch the Orioles and the Royals? The title card alone sounds like it was pronounced by Foghorn Leghorn after a stroke.

They’re not alone. Detroit fans were already hesitant to spend money of Lions games, but now they’re abandoning the city and surrounding suburbs. How do you justify spending cash (we assume they still sell tickets) to a Kid Rock crowd?

You give them exactly why they watch Syfy and USA, and it’s not for Eureka or Psych; it’s for professional wrestling. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Can’t spell ‘sports entertainment’ without ‘sports’

The institution of marriage

"Thank God I'll never have to go back to beautiful Argentina ever again."The one question on everyone’s mind after South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s return from Argentina was, “When’s the divorce?” On June 24, Gov. Sanford even said that he and his wife were “effectively separated.”

And then Jenny Sanford realized how to really punish him in the time-honored political way: they’ve been working on their marriage for the past seven weeks and will continue to do so for the forseeable future. (Read: the rest of his life.)

It may be cheaper to keep her, but not when you’re paying for counseling, gifts and trips to exotic locations to get over that Argentine Retreat.

If love’s in the air, then what’s on the desk?

Love may not be able to blossom on a battlefield, but it can certainly have its wild and crazy cousin, lust, make an appearance in a place of law. The district attorney of Bedford County, Pennsylvania says that just because he had sex with a woman he wasn’t married to in his public courthouse office doesn’t mean he committed a crime. And he ought to know–he is the district attorney, after all. Though, that’s not a divorce attorney, which is something he, and others, might want to look into getting. Just saying, is all.

For shame, Elizabeth Edwards

SeriouslyReaders, we’re gonna take a minute to talk to Elizabeth Edwards for a post. You can read along, but it won’t be pretty.

How dare you, Elizabeth? What gives you the right to keep your husband’s affair a secret? Huh?

Look, Betty: we’re the American people. Your husband is famous. That means he’s ours to rake over the coals.

Your choices in this were limited to a) looking like a victim or b) kicking him to the curb so we can date him send him to prison or something.

It’s almost like you cheated on us.

Shh, it’s OK. Don’t cry. We’re not mad at you … just disappointed.