He’ll hear from Obadiah Stane’s lawyer

Wang Kang is a man on a mission.

That mission is not to stop crime.
That mission is not to commit crimes.
That mission is not to impress his colleagues.
That mission is definitely not to get laid.

Wang Kang’s mission is to build a replica of the Iron Man MK-1 armor from the beginning of Iron Man (Vietghaniban terrorists not included) out of foam, wires and tubes (he almost had the ingredients that were used to put together the first internet), and then, successfully wear it to his job.


Aren’t jobs a kind of bribery?

Corruption is on the rise according to a survey by Transparency International.

The Berlin-based nonprofit organization based this partially on a finding that one quarter of 91,500 surveyed people paid a bribe to an institution or government-provided service. 90 percent of Liberians and 86 percent of Nigerians reported paying a bribe.

And the most corrupt countries–Somalia, Afghanistan, Burma, Iraq, Uzbekistan, Sudan and Turkmenistan–achieved their most corrupt nations’ status by attempting to bribe Transparency International for better rankings.

You’re going down, Osama and Jimmy

A senior NATO official believes Osama Bin Laden may be living in a house in northwestern Pakistan, not in an Afghan cave as we previously thought. He further said that locals and Pakistani intelligence officials are protecting his location.

But, before we send the military rushing into yet another Muslim country, SeriouslyGuys brings NATO this breaking news announcement:

We have reason to believe that Bin Laden is neither in a cave nor in a house, but in the bedroom of one Jimmy Krapplewitz. Our intel indicates that Jimmy’s been hosting the 9/11 mastermind in his parents’ Great Falls, VA townhouse along with our Secret Wars #1, winning POG slammer and pictures of what may be Katey Jorkin’s mom’s boobs.

Go forth, you Coalition of the Willing! Go forth and bring our stuff back get that S.O.B.!

The lines blur

It’s not very often that the War on Animals and the War on Terrorism intersect. Terrorism is a much more clear-cut enemy, and you can either be for it or against it. Few countries have the foresight that this blog does when it comes to the animals rebelling against us around the world. No more.

At least one news outlet in Asia (totally credible, right?) is reporting that the Taliban is training monkeys, yes, monkeys, to fight U.S. troops in Afghanistan. They are being trained in the mountains of Afghanistan and Pakistan to shoot at people wearing uniforms like those of American soldiers. If they shoot, apparently they are rewarded with a banana.

Now can we kill all the monkeys?

Just add Petraeus

The U.S. Senate voted unanimously to put Gen. David Petraeus in charge of the “war” in Afghanistan. Petraeus will take over duties performed by his former underling, General Stanley McChyrstal.

This is the second time that the United States Congress has appointed Petraeus to fix a war it neglected to declare, the first being the “war” in Iraq.

Gazing into our SeriouslyCrystal ball, we see the future …. It is 2012 …. War in Afghanistan … still ongoing; however … Petraeus reassigned to … the War on Drugs!

You heard it here first, folks: come 2012, there will be a new sheriff in Drugtown. (Not sure if Iraq or Afghanistan will be wrapped up by that point.)

Some seriously U.S. wars updates

When it comes to wars, The Guys are starting to overstretch our resources. At last count we’re engaged on four fronts and with some real heavyweights, like robots, every animal in the world, extraterrestrial intelligence and the entire concept of education.

The U.S. fights a lot more wars–albeit against punier opponents like potheads and religious fanatics–so sometimes it’s hard to keep track of what our benevolent leaders are waging against. To keep you informed, we bring you A Seriously U.S. Wars Update.

It turns out there may be more to Afghanistan than poppies and Muhammad fanboys who–like our own fanboys–have poor hygiene and fear the touch of women. U.S. geologists have discovered large untapped deposits of copper, iron and lithium and believe this could help draw more international aid. Because when we think of improving living conditions for a people that have been impoverished by unchecked religion, war and corruption, we think of mining.

After over seven years of searching for chemical weapons in Iraq, U.S. forces have finally found them.

Illegal Immigration
According to an expert witness, Arizona is “the gateway to America for drug trafficking, extortion, kidnapping and crime.” That was Gov. Jan Brewer, who is experimenting with a new method of curbing illegal immigration: paint your state as a hellhole so that nobody will enter it.

So, in summation, America is winning!

Americanization: complete

If there were any doubts about our progress in the war in Afghanistan, let us assuage them right now. Combating Afghan and Taliban forces trash-talk each other before and during firefights over the radio, the Taliban often accusing the Afghans of loving Obama.

Does it sound like our own political discourse? SeriouslyGuys translated these radio transmissions during a skirmish so that you can decide for yourself:

AFGHAN: Put down your weapons.

TALIBAN: Bah, typical Obamabot, trying to take our guns!

AFGHAN: We don’t want your guns. We want you to stop fighting and join the discussion about how to run this country.

TALIBAN: Yeah? You want to run Afghanistan as a Muslim nation like the Founders intended?

AFGHAN: Well, although the Founders may have been Muslim, our original ancestors in the region were most likely Zoroastrian, and we’ve also had periods in our history where we were predominantly Hindu or Buddhist …

TALIBAN: War on Islam!

AFGHAN: –what?

TALIBAN: You want to outlaw Islam!

AFGHAN: What? No. Dude, we’re mostly Muslim, too. Besides, Islam takes up, like, 99% of the population. You’re not exactly oppressed. We’re OK with you being devout Muslims, but let’s keep it out of the government.

TALIBAN: So you’re proposing an amoral government!

AFGHAN: Really? When you people were in charge, you used religion to justify keeping women covered, uneducated and pregnant. What kind of moral government is that?

TALIBAN: You-you’re just in love with Obama!

AFGHAN: No, we don’t love him. We just think he has some good ideas, but we don’t necessarily trust that the United States has all of our best interests at heart. [Emphasis theirs. The spoken Pushtin language pronounces italics.]

TALIBAN: Keep drinking that Kool-Aid, Obamabot! Where’s your messiah now?!

AFGHAN: What’s “Kool-Aid?”


[Gunfire erupts, interspersed with cries of “Allahu Akbar.”]

(Special thanks to slantsmcgtee.)

Nicknames less cool when prosecution uses them

Oh, to be a fly on the wall at the Blackwater nicknaming ritual …

Sgt. Blutarsky: From now on, your Blackwater nickname is “Weasel.”

From now on, your name is “Mothball.”

Kroger, your Blackwater nickname is “Pinto.”

Kroger: Why “Pinto?”

Sgt. Blutarsky: [belches] Why not?!

Dorfman: What’s my Blackwater name?

Sgt. Blutarsky: Dorfman, I’ve given this a lot of thought. From now on … your name is “Savage Viking.”

Dorfman: … “Savage Viking?

Apparently, Blackwater’s attorneys think it reflects poorly on their defendants when their mercenary nicknames are used in court during muder trials. Really, who would convict someone named “Murder” of murder based solely on their name? That seems awfully “Extreme” or even “Savage.”

Let this blog state for the record that I want my Blackwater nickname to be Jagged Metal Cock.

(Special thanks to Matt Staggs.)

Pakistani Taliban week late with Obama, Nobel jokes

Snug as an oppressed bug in a rug.Man, talk about issuing a fatwa on a dead horse.

The Pakistani Taliban criticized the Norwegian Nobel Committee for giving the Nobel Peace Prize to U.S. President Barack Obama. They unconstructively suggested giving him the “Villain of Peace Award,” which does not exist and–even if it did–could not field nominations until next year.

The Taliban’s peace credentials include supporting and sponsoring terrorism, wrapping women in Snuggies in the desert and religious intolerance.

Other critics of the award have not renounced and denied affiliation with the Taliban at this time.

Aussie Aussie Aussie Ugh!

Not to get too political, but we here at SG love our troops. We think the world of them; however they’re only fighting a war on one front. They should probably be happy about that, as they might be the only country to do so. Australia, though, they’re fighting a war on two fronts: the Taliban and the Dutch.

Oh yes, those brave Australian soldiers have been silently putting up with both the Taliban and the most vile villain of all: Dutch cuisine.

Australia recently rushed a crack skilled team of cooks to Afghanistan in order to create authentic “Aussie” food for the soldiers. Why? Because their mess hall had been previously run by a bunch of Dutch cooks. Honestly though, it can be understood. I mean, hete bliksem (boiled potatoes and green apples)? Boerenkoolstamppot (kale mixed with potatoes, gravy, mustard and rookworst)? I’m not saying that I’m an astounding cook, but I can barely pronounce the names of these dishes, much less create any desire to eat them.

Don’t worry though, Australia. Soon you shall be reunited with such delectable foods of your native land, such as fairy bread, chiko rolls and roasted kangaroo.