Tag: africa

Flushing the city’s troubles all away

Last week, Harare, a city in Zimbabwe, asked its home owner residents for a great favor. At approximately 7:30 pm on Wednesday evening, it was requested that they all flush their toilets at that time. Not before, not after, just simultaneously at 7:30 pm. It was hoped that by doing so, it’d clear the waste that’s been building up in sanitation facilities thanks to a drought.

Sadly, there’s been no word since the experiment. Was it successful? Has the city been overrun with a wave of filth?

Hope for the best, expect the crappiest.

Oral sex + knife = baby?

If you thought that it wasn’t sex if you only made with the mouth games, then we regret to inform you, Mr. President, that you are wrong.

In 1988, a 15-year-old African girl with no vagina gave birth. (It was a Caesarean birth, obviously.)

So, how did a girl from Lesotho get pregnant without a vagina?

  1. Orally.
  2. And then followed with a knife fight.

She was stabbed in the stomach by a jealous ex-boyfriend shortly after swallowing manimals, opening a channel for the sperm to swim into her love canal.

So, perhaps when we talk about safe sex, we should add a new method: leaving your knives at home.

(Special thanks to Kristen E.)

Drum circles: tools of terrorism

If you’ve ever been to college, then you’ve had to endure or–god forbid–participate in a drum circle.

Drum circles are an outdoor event where non-musicians bang drums outside because they got a C on a test and blame the latest shooting, election or editorial for their performance. It’s believed that, by participating in a musical performance, participants can alleviate stress by hitting a noisemaker and feel part of a group of other people hitting similar childrens’ party favors. They are notoriously organized by music majors to prove their degree is useful, even if they don’t become the next John Williams.

What they don’t realize is that they feel better because the joy and relative calm of surrounding dorms has been vampirically sucked away by their noise. This is similar to how a Glenn Beck works.

Fortunately, Africa has heard your cries and will address the situation.

The animal equivalent of shoe throwing

It seems like we’re starting off a lot of our mornings with stories about the War on Animals these days. We’re sorry about that, but our job isn’t to make the news or even filter it, our job is to let you know what’s going on when no one else will. You’re welcome.

And now, monkeys have little respect for Zambian President Rupiah Banda. The monkey, hiding in a tree like the coward it is, peed on the president during a press conference. The president’s reaction: “Perhaps these are blessings.”

Mr. President, you may believe you are golden, but your showers are not supposed to be.

Animals introduce germ warfare

Eating monkeys, as it turns out, may not be the healthiest thing for you–unless your idea of health is illness. We know, this sounds like crazy talk, but we feel it is our job to tell you about this concern.

According to a CNN report, people in Africa have turned to eating the local monkey population because of the rising price of food. In some respects, this is good news, because now the people, without incentives from Big Government, are going out and taking the fight to the animals–and winning!

On the other hand, some of these warriors are getting some pretty nasty diseases like monkeypox, which, like chickenpox, can only be caught from contact with its namesake.

So, if you happen to be in Africa and you’re on a safari or scrounging for food or whatever, do not eat monkeys, no matter how tasty they look. However, it’s perfectly OK to kill them. They are our enemies after all, and we must stop their attempts at germ warfare.

How To: Joke about the new president

Comedians are worried about their trade now that George Bush’s presidency is almost over. It’s been an easy eight years, minus that brief period in late 2001-2002 when we depended on him as an illiterate father-figure.

In fact, things have been so bad for Bush and the gang that Republicans are complaining that we made too much fun of him, ruining their dreams of pop-up history books.

But enough about those oversensitive, feelings-oriented, fairness-mongering crybabies. We’ve got a real issue on our hands: how do we make fun of the guy who’s supposed to save America, especially one who’s … um, diverse?

Did any of you voters think about us? Humorists have husbands, wives and children to publicly belittle; we can’t pay for that unless we do political jokes, too. This is why The Guys held an emergency post-election meeting to determine how to joke about the new president. Continue reading How To: Joke about the new president

Raising an arrrrmy

Exactly one week ago it was Talk Like A Pirate Day, but there are people in the Africa who don’t know that. In fact, they think they are real pirates. While this blog stays away from modern day piratey stuff (something about taking and killing hostages), this be–er, is a little different.

Pirates off the coast of Somalia have taken control of a Ukrainian ship carrying T-72 tanks. This means that not only do these pirates have another ship on which to hide their plunder, now they can go ashore and lay siege to the rich towns that line the eastern coast of Africa.

This is most confusing news. We know that pirates operate at sea, but can come ashore to raid towns. However, pirates don’t ride in tanks, armor divisions do. Should they make landfall, what do we call this band of swashbucklers? An army? Mauraders? Pirates in tanks?

Warmer temperatures bring out the hotties

For most of the country, it’s April. That means warmer temperatures and women wearing less. It seems only natural to have beauty pageants to celebrate this time of year. Angola, which this blog understand is in Africa, is no exception. They are rolling out their beauties–but theirs seem to have a catch, due to the country’s high level of landmines, the women are missing limbs.

In the vein of Heather Mills, one-legged women can indeed be beautiful. The pageant, called Miss Landmine–seriously–features the luscious legless of Angola. The Guys have a well documented affinity for pirates, so naturally, these babes are alright with us.

But since these ladies lost their legs to munitions, it’s probably best not to call them bombshells.