‘Old man’ getting older

The “old man” in A Christmas Story was 23. During the Depression.

If it seems like dads are getting older on average (and yet playing more video games and collecting their own toys later than younger generations), then you’re not wrong. According to a study by Stanford’s School of Medicine just published in the journal Human Reproduction, today’s average dad is three and a half years older than dads were on average 45 years ago.

While 1972’s dads were around 27.4 years old and chain-smoking in the waiting room, 2015’s dads in the delivery room are nearly 31 years old. Analysis also revealed that the number of dads over 40 and 50 both doubled in that time.

But, before our male readers get excited, no, it’s not because women prefer older men. Mothers are also getting older and are actually closer in age to the fathers of their children today. Unlike in the ’70s, when all of those ladies were marrying eligible bachelor-captains of the gold medallion and polyester industries.

Just in case everyone pushing 30 is getting anxious: relax, it’s an average. The study includes one 88-year-old father and, on the other extreme, an 11-year-old one. And if the latter doesn’t shame you into putting on a button-up shirt next time you go on a date, then maybe you’ll have better luck in your 40s or 50s.

Nature finds way to create job openings

Don’t bother getting to know the new intern, kids. He’ll be dead by next pay period.

You may have noticed more entry-level positions requiring experience that people just entering the work force don’t have.

That’s because nobody can retire anymore, even though privatizing retirement through mutual funds and other investment accounts was supposed to make up for “unsustainable” pensions and social security. Which means many people of retirement age back in, oh, 2008, gradually moved into less skilled jobs in their companies, prompting job descriptions to change.

Well, as Ian Malcolm warned us in Jurassic Park, nature finds a way. Older people are now dying at a higher rate in the work place, even as workplace fatalities decrease. 35 percent of 2015 workplace fatalities involved workers 55 and older.

Now, the one question to settle: are they dying more due to accidents caused by “gradually worsening vision and hearing impairment, reduced response time, balance issues and chronic medical or muscle or bone problems such as arthritis” as gerontologists (or really old scientists) say? Or were they pushed?

You’re not who you were, science says

Ever wonder why people you haven’t talked to since high school seem so different on Facebook now? If you think those people changed, science says you’re right.

According to a personality study in the U.K., pretty much everyone changes over time. In 1947, researchers conducted personality tests on a bunch of 14-year-olds, grading them on self-confidence, perseverance, stability of moods, conscientiousness, originality, and desire to excel. Then a new team caught up with those same subjects 63 years later and found that basically none of them kept the same levels of those six traits as they did all those years ago.

Science just suggested that Batman wouldn’t be Batman because he would have gotten over it. Thanks for ruining our fun, science.

Blood of children gives old mice a new life

The old want to be young again, and now, science might just let them. All they need is the blood of children.

Scientists have found that blood plasma from younger humans can make older mice reinvigorated. They injected plasma from teenagers into 12-month-old mice, which are 50 in mouse years, and found the old mice were as energetic and had as sharp memories as mice only 3 months old.

So there you have it. Now it’s only a matter of time before they do human trials. And then we have vampires.

Men will live longer if they don’t work out, science says

Men, if you want to live longer, stop working out. You read that correctly, working out may kill you, according to a Yale professor.

We’ve all heard that working out is good for you, but what if it wasn’t? According to Yale anthropologist Richard Bribiescas, as men age, they lose some of the testosterone in their bodies, and because the chemical is kind of harmful for human bodies, including the heart, its decrease has been linked to men living longer. If you’re an older man and you work out a lot, your body is still producing as much testosterone as ever, which means your body still has to process that hormone, which could shorten your life.

So if any of you have a death pool for The Guys, the smart money is on Rick Snee.

Bad news doesn’t get better with age, but it eventually goes away

"So the pills will make it look like this all the time ... but you're still gonna die in the next 20 years. *cough* What?"
“So the pills will make it look like this all the time, but you’re still gonna die in the next 20 years. *cough* What?”

Doctors are unsure of how to talk to aging patients about end-of-life care. According to a new poll, they know they have to talk to patients about it eventually. And, they’ll be having that conversation more than ever as 72 million aging Baby Boomers fail to die before they get old (in accordance with the final wishes of The Who). It’s just really, really hard to broach the topic of, y’know, natural cellular decay with a 60-year-old marathoner.

Originally, the costs of these awkward consultations was to be covered under the Affordable Care Act, but the funding was stripped out of the bill because stupid people who plan to die in shooting range accidents called them “death panels.” Doctors were off the hook … until Medicare stepped in and threw money back at the problem. Which is fine and all, but still doesn’t help them tell someone who thinks their only problem is a wind-socking erection.

Fortunately, The Guys have a solution — one that doctors already know: they can wait old people out. Self-solving problem.

Inexorable march to death grows longer

Even elves, who age pretty well, would rather get lost at sea than live long enough to be spoon-fed by men.
Even elves, who age pretty well, would rather get lost at sea than live long enough to be spoon-fed by men.

Like a sweater that you never asked for, life is a gift. And now it’ll be even longer before you can get rid of it due to normal wear and tear.

The number of Americans living past 100 years old rose 40 percent since 2000. At the beginning of the Willennium, there were 50,281 centenarians; as of 2014, 72,197. Thanks to advancements in vaccines and life-extending, yet mostly terrible technologies like dialysis and artificial joints, more people are living to the point where everyone is young and awful, nothing seems familiar and everything costs more money than ever existed when you earned it.

The only plus side is that Alzheimer’s related deaths also increased by 119 percent over the same 15 years for people over 100. So, at least your last years will be a constant surprise.

Moisturize, don’t become president

Pretty people say the stupidest things.
Pretty people say the stupidest things.

We’re all trying to look younger. If we fail to do so, then we’ll look creepy when we tell attractive 20- and 30-year-olds that “40 is the new 30,” “50 is the new 40” and so on.

There are a couple of steps we can take to slow down aging:

  1. Work out.
  2. Moisturize.
  3. Use sunscreen daily, even on cloudy days.
  4. Lose the presidential election.

We always knew that U.S. presidents age faster than the rest of us. But, a new study indicates that presidents live 2.7 fewer years on average than the other people they ran against. So, it’s safe to say that this year’s entire Republican line-up will look fantastic for a very long time.

Secret to looking young: Drinking

The secret to looking young isn’t in your medicine cabinet, it’s in your liquor cabinet.

According to a new study, if you want to hit the pause button on aging, you should have a drink. Researchers measured the wear and tear of life on a person’s body, and their actual age. They found that subjects who drank once or twice a day aged at a slower pace than those who didn’t drink. However, if you drink heavily and smoke, it’s like hitting the fast forward button on your body.

Our interpretation is that you’ll slow your aging process if you drink heavily, but lay off the smoking. The Guys will live forever.

Take it from Snee: The elderly are revolting

"Mabel! Ethyl! Run! They told you it was one-hand touch, not two!"
“Mabel! Ethyl! Run! They told you it was one-hand touch, not two!”

As home to some of our nation’s greatest threats, sometimes we wonder if Andrew Jackson stole Florida from the Spanish and American Indians solely because swamp monsters gave him boners. While the state has always been to alligators and the giant magnet that attracts hurricanes, later residents would import out of control pythons, hotheaded stand-your-grounders and elderly people with alarmingly rising rates of STDs.

And what happens when a new ecosystem is established from outside forces? Segments of that population combine into hybrids perfectly suited to it. And now we’re facing our greatest threat: elderly people who have had enough of our s**t and are armed.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: The elderly are revolting