You Missed It: Buddy icon edition

Kids, this was our Snapchat.

We’re back here again, in a news comedy column, avoiding talking about something horrible that happened a few days ago. It’s Friday, and we’ve had plenty of time to overload ourselves, so I won’t bum you out. I’ll just say that we need to make changes happen now, and I’ll move along to the funny stuff. If you were busy calling your boss a moron this week, odds are you missed it.

The final away message
AOL announced this week that it is shutting down its instant messenger service once and for all in December. Your parents were reportedly very upset by this announcement.

The woke yogurt
This week, yogurt company Oikos dropped Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton from its ad campaign after he made sexist remarks about a woman asking him questions during a news conference. To show how sorry he was, and how mature he has become from this learning experience, in an apology video he promised to never laugh when a female reporter says “route,” “balls,” or “slot.”

The tomb of Santa Claus
Archaeologists this week announced that they believe they have found the tomb of Saint Nicolas in Turkey. They say his remains are likely in a church, and have further work to do to confirm it. So there you have it, kids: Santa Claus is real, he’s just dead. Sleep tight!

How To: Get answers

How many times has this happened to you?You wake up naked on a couch you don’t recognize … well, not entirely naked thanks to a strategically-placed sombrero. It’s daytime, though your hot, stinging brain wishes it wasn’t, but you can’t tell the time: a VCR flashes 12:00 over and over again.

Stumbling around using couch cushions as crotch- and butt-covers, you knock over the world’s largest beer can pyramid, to find the bathroom to this mystery apartment. “PENIS” scrawled across your forehead. You pray that it’s dry erase, but your futile wiping proves that, alas, it is Sharpee. Blood is dried at the corners of your lips, but it does not taste like your own.

You need answers, but how do you get them? That is the subject of this week’s How To: Get answers. Continue reading How To: Get answers