With fall firmly in place in the Northern Hemisphere, it seems reasonable to think that the War on Animals is going to start winding down for the year. But that would assume that our animal foes are reasonable. Rather than slowing things down, they’re going into high gear, in one big push before they all go into hibernation for the winter.
I don’t need to remind you, dear reader, of the threat posed by every single animal that exists on this planet. The numerous species are working in concert to overthrow we humans as the rulers of Earth. One would think such a goal would be easily accomplished, since we are so outnumbered, but we are ever-vigilant, and animals are dumber than we give them credit for.
Do your part, and get caught up on the latest threats to civilization as we know it. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: 3 of the biggest ways animals threaten our existence
We may have taken a week off, but that doesn’t mean the War on Animals did. In fact, our foes seemed to have stepped up their efforts because they thought we weren’t watching. They were wrong.
We’ll begin in Japan, where motorists in two cities in the Nagano prefecture got tangled up because many of the traffic lights went dark. The reason was excessive amounts of bird poop. Not on the traffic lights themselves, but on an electric substation that controlled the power flowing to them. The local power company said that there was so much bird crap at the substation that it dripped into the equipment and caused a short. The birds are still at large.
Now onto Malmstrom Air Force Base in Montana, which is where we keep many of our nuclear missiles, armed and at the ready to send some unlucky enemy back into some sort of weird, irradiated Stone Age. But a species of ground squirrel is leading an assault on our biggest weapons. The Richardson’s ground squirrel has been burrowing under the fences of the base all summer long, and it’s been setting off motion sensors, forcing military personnel to drive out and see if there is a security threat. It distracts our boys from doing their jobs, and keeps them from being at the ready.
Luckily, the Air Force has caught a few of these animal-terrorists, and is hard at work designing a squirrel-proof fence to defeat their attempted intrusions.
The U.S. Air Force denied the request for a flyover of the “God and Country Family Festival” in Nampa, Idaho (city sister to Tampa, Florida?). The decision came as a surprise because they’d performed at the festival for over 40 years … until now.
The difference is that the Air Force checked the organizers Web site and found that it’s a religious thing, and spokespeople say they are not allowed to endorse “any individual, group, or organization, including any religious or sectarian organization, ideological movement, political campaign or organization, or commercial enterprise, to include a shopping mall or motion picture promotion.”
But 40 years later? What’s the real deal?
Our guess is that it’s all the airborne prayers and guardian angels. Negative, Holy Ghost Riders, that pattern is full.
Stop me if you’ve heard this fish story before: Man goes fishing in the Gulf of Mexico. Man’s fishing rod begins to go crazy. Man figures that he’s caught one gigantic fish. After a long battle, man finally manages to reel in his catch. Man’s catch is a live guided missile.
Wait, you haven’t? Well, it’s happened.
What’s fairly awesome, though, about this deadliest catch is the dedication shown by this man to his craft. Most will go out at ungodly hours of the day/night, or sit through torrential rains, or bear sub-freezing temps, but this guy floated around in the Gulf with unexploded ordinance in his boat for 10 days.
Someone get this guy his own fishing show, otherwise, he may just accidentally kill us all with his next catch.
New Yorkers are “annoyed — furious is a better word” — that the Air Force One flyover of NYC was not a terrorist attack. Though the plane and its F-16 escort veered frustratingly close to the site of Ground Zero, the plane was not piloted by terrorists and did not crash into any buildings.
Enraged and traumatized to be teased with what could have been a very painful and scary moment, New York politicians like Mayor Michael Bloomberg and Senator Chuck Schumer want to know why New York wasn’t informed and whose head will roll for not killing several thousand of their constituents.
Even the therapists can’t handle the influx of tramautized patients. Social worker, Linda Garcia-Rose complained about being inundated with calls from patients who survived the tantalizingly-close calamity, many of whom live three blocks away from the World Trade Center.
Have you ever gone shopping, only to realize that you forgot that one item, that key component, that very thing you needed?
Yeah, so, some people have that problem worse than you.
A male Japanese Air Force Major decided to do some shopping after leaving a late-night farewell party for one of his colleagues. One can make the logical assumption that he was drunk, because he then proceeded to ide behind a convenience store to strip off his clothes before entering. Oh wait-it gets better.
Once inside, totally naked, our Major set out to purchase panties and pantyhose.
His Emperor’s New Clothes incident was only witnessed by the store’s clerk (also the only person in the store other than Private Partyman), who quickly called the cops after the officer left the store. Major Boner has been suspended from his duties for 10 days, and papers were filed for indecent exposure. Insert lame joke about legal briefs here.
Adding fuel to feminist theories about the phallic nature of missiles in combat, the Israeli air force plans to give combat pilots Viagra.
Israeli army doctors are considering the decision based on Viagra’s positive effects on mountain climbers at high altitudes. Viagra apparently reduces high blood pressure in lungs when they are hard-up for oxygen.
There is no word from the Israeli government as to whether they will need to redesign the control stick to avoid confusion in the heat of the moment.