Silent but deadly: Fart smell grounds plane

When you’re at 30,000 feet, you can’t just open a window to air things out. The air is recycled, which means that you’re breathing in everyone’s coughs, sneezes, burps and farts for the whole flight. And when someone really lets one rip, it can ruin your day.

Over the weekend, an American Airlines flight landed in Raleigh, North Carolina, but the plane was filled with what smelled like a nasty fart. It was so bad that crew members complained of eye irritation and headaches. The airport’s investigation of the incident blames flatulence as the cause.

The airline has refused to confirm whether farts are to blame, but insists that if such a thing were true, he who smelt it, dealt it.

Flirst fight frighst! Frights flighst fighst! First flight fight!

The important thing here is to keep Connecticut grounded lest they suddenly feel useful or noteworthy.
The important thing here is to keep Connecticuters grounded, lest they suddenly feel useful or noteworthy.

For some reason, everyone knows that Wilbur and Orville Wright were the first inventors to successfully fly a powered airplane. And the state of North Carolina and the Smithsonian Institute have seen nothing but profit ever since. Because that’s how money works.

But, what if they’re keeping a secret, earlier, more Connecticut-y flight under wraps?

That’s what one “hobby historian” (read: not really a historian) claims, and he’s got the very blurry photo to back it up. John Brown — a possible alias to protect him from the Freesmithsonians — unearthed what he believes is a photo of Gustave Whitehead’s No. 21 airplane in flight from 1906, along with newspapers reporting its flight in 1901. The 1901 flight predates the Wright brothers’ more famous first flight by two years.

So, why would the Smithsonian refuse to recognize Whitehead’s 1901 flight? Because Brown’s photo is blurry and from 1906, and the 1901 newspapers repeated the same original article, much like how they do with AP articles today. (None of those articles, by the way, thought to include a photo of the first flight for some reason.)

It took photographers a few practice first planes before they realized people would want to see them in the air.
It took photographers a few practice first planes before they realized people would want to see one in the air.

Or it’s because the Smithsonian promised Orville Wright his place in history in exchange for the plane, which is still on display in the Air and Space Museum.

Until we find Gustave Whitehead’s flight recorder, we will never know what really happened in 1901. Or why the government shot him down. Or something.

Prepare for-The Loxbomber!

Airplane flights can be such a hassle sometimes. You’re taking off your shoes, your belt, emptying your bag and that’s just if you’re going through the easy route. If you’re not an exhibitionist, then be prepared to be subject to a happy glance.

And by glance, I mean, junk grab.

But that’s just in the terminal! Imagine having to go through annoyances once you’re on the plane-like, maybe, perhaps, a suspicious bag? That’s never enjoyable. Of course, there is a bit of satisfaction if the contents of a suspicious bag contain a bagel and cream cheese rather than things that sound like a song from Saliva. Though, some cream cheese can kill you if you eat too much of it …

Someone get me a train ticket.

Big Man of the Day Award

This has perhaps been a long time in the making, but it’s now time to unveil a new category: the Big Man of the Day.

It takes a big man to admit when someone has done wrong, and an even bigger one to assert this through force. That is why our first official recipient is Russel E. Miller, who police say hit a teenage boy for not turning off his iPhone on a plane.

For your gross overreaction and uncalled for violence toward a minor in defense of a minor airplane rule, we congratulate you, Self-Anointed Air Marshall Miller!

Also, some honorary mentions for the KBOI2.com commentors who only wish Miller had done more!

Something about this story seems vaguely familiar

So, let me get this straight. There was a reptile? And it was located? Somewhere on a flying craft?

I have no idea what we can do with a story headline like that. No clue whatsoever.

Of course, we could just chalk up the story to “crocodiles being crocodiles,” but factor in the smuggler aspect, the airplane factor and the stampeding animals variable, and well … actually, “crocodiles being crocodiles” still probably works.

The McBournie Minute: The one where I care about famous people

Before we begin, I’d like to apologize for the lack of You Missed It last week. I was actually in the process of writing it up when my laptop died. Not like the battery died or it just froze up and I had to reboot. I mean, dead. It’s being sent back to the nice people at Toshiba because it’s under warranty, and for the time being I am on my crappy old laptop, hence forth known as the craptop. Now, on with the show!

As much as I hate the entertainment industry, I can’t avoid it all the time. Sometimes it comes to find me. I guess that’s OK, because I know where to find it, and just because it knocks on my door with its big, hairy fist doesn’t mean I have to answer it. That being said, I’m going to give a run-down of a few Hollywood items that came across my desk which has more or less confirmed my suspicion that I’m not missing out on things I’m missing out on.

Also, I figure I need to try to appeal to more than just my usual demographic, the white male 20-somethings who have a thing for excessive use of punctuation. Here I come, tweens! Continue reading The McBournie Minute: The one where I care about famous people

We can’t recommend joining the club

Have you seen the stewardesses on flights lately? Night flights and sleep masks have never been a better pair of ideas.

You know who else shares that opinion? Richard Branson, owner of Virgin Atlantic Airways. But that’s probably more because the idea has begun to be forced upon him. Of course, you’d have the idea forced upon you too if you lost a bet.

Richard Branson and Tony Fernandes, owner of AirAsia, have recently decided to host F1 racing teams, and in the spirit of competition and being gajillionaires, the two have decided that whoever’s team finishes worst than the other, the owner will work as a stewardess (not a steward, mind you) on the winner’s airline.

We can’t wholeheartedly recommend following suit by taking part in a bet like Branson did, mainly due to we just don’t look that good at all in a dress (though Rick Snee does look absolutely fabulous in a shiny pair of pumps).

Catch Me If You Canada

Frank Abignale Jr. is back!

And he’s not even old enough to drink yet. Which, honestly, is still par for the course.

Colton Harris-Moore, a young man just old enough to legally smoke, is suspected of stealing a Cessna 182, flying the plane and then crashing the plane. For someone not enlisted in the Air Force to do that, that’s fairly impressive.

It’s not all bad thoughts, though. Pam Kohler, mother of Colton, has provided us with two hilariously awesome quotes:

“I just wish he would wear a parachute,” Pam Kohler said.

and

“Now every plane that gets stolen is going to be blamed on him,” she said.

Safety and stereotyping. Those are two bastions of every mother’s handbook for caring.

What? There are benefits to being unemployed?

Hey there guy and/or girl! Are you an unemployed foreigner who wants to get out of Japan? Of course you are! We all are! Well, now you’ve got a free ride, and it’s all courtesy of the Japanese government.

Just don’t expect to get back in, though.

Foreigners in Japan on Nikkei visas and are out of a job now have a free plane ticket home. A nice sum of 300,000 yen (roughly $3043 dollars US as of the time of writing) will be given to the head of the household; 200,000 yen to dependents. Book your flights and adios. But there is a cost here: no coming back. If you take payment, you’re agreeing to give up the right to claim Japanese heritage to get back into Japan (on a visa) in the future. Tough break, weeaboo.

That’s kind of nice, don’t you think? “If you wanna go, go. Oh, and here’s some money to do so.” Just be careful of the vigilant militia of former pilots that patrol the airports.

Disco might be dead, but you won’t be

The good doctor is out for the week, so we can’t give you professional medical advice. Luckily, we don’t need a doctor to tell us this is a crock: a recent study found that the Bee Gees’ hit “Stayin’ Alive” has an ideal beat for giving CPR.

Make whatever jokes you want about the song title actually meaning something deeper than not getting capped while walking through New York City dressed like polyester fire sale. We’ll wait.

Done? OK. Yes, the 1977 hit, which may or may not have been a contributing factor to my parents dating, might be able to save lives. You know what we say? That’s crap. The only thing that song is good for is one of the best scenes in Airplane! Encouraging first responders to think of this song when they give CPR is dangerous. Do you really want your ambulance driver humming the tune when he or she is taking you to the hospital?

Worse yet, what happens if a disco ball drops down from somewhere? Does everyone have to start dancing?