This is a definitive statement …

… And this is a series of non-definitive statements from America’s security sweetheart, Janet Napolitano regarding how airports will continue to be defended at second and third base:

“‘The new technology, the pat-downs, is just objectively safer for our traveling public,’ Napolitano said. ‘We pick up contraband now, and we pick up more contraband with the new procedures and the new machinery. What we know is that you can’t measure the devices that we are deterring from going on a plane.'”

So, for those of you keeping score at home for our War on Nail Clippers:

1. We are finding contraband, which could be bombs or could be shampoo.

2. Nobody can count this contraband, which means that it’s either A) an embarrassingly small amount, B) a pants-wettingly large amount or C) unable to be counted because nobody keeps track of attempted terror attacks in our airports.

3. We are all now, somehow, objectively safer.

Of course you’re safe, citizens. Now take off your pants for mommy.

TSA floods U.S. streets with dangerous weapons

You're only worth protecting if you've paid for airfare, citizen.Since Sept. 11, 2001, TSA has seized dangerous weapons–like pocket knives, nail clippers and miniature Louisville baseball bats–to protect flight crews and passengers from the very real threat of terrorism.

But what happens to these dangerous 3-ounce or larger liquids and other jihadist materials once seized? We’d like to think they’re analyzed by security and counterterrorism experts to predict and combat future attacks. Or even destroyed in the very same crucifices that brought terror into our world.

We’d like to think that, but that’s not the case. Instead, TSA gives them away to state agencies that sell them for cheap to retailers and on eBay.

So, just like how we sponsored the Mujahideen back in the 1980s, it’s only a matter of time before our corkscrews strike us when we least expect it. Thanks a lot, TSA.

New airport scanner spurs quaint privacy complaints

There's nothing intimidating about walking through a X-ray machine with your hands behind your head.Stick-in-the-mud organizations like the Electronic Privacy Information Center, the Privacy Coalition and the American Civil Liberties Union are concerned about new airport security scanners that image your body under your clothes to detect metal objects and liquids.

They call this a “virtual strip search,” which would replace the traditional metal detector walkthrough and follow-up groin massage.

(This thought in itself is disturbing as we look forward to our pre-flight happy ending that calms our jitters. Fortunately, there’s still booze.)

Clearly, these “civil liberties” organizations are a bunch of prudes trying to conceal our bodies. In an age of constant twitter updates, breastfeeding photos on Facebook and amateur porn stars on BangBus, who are these ludites to speak for us?

We’re gonna be stars, dammit, and that’s why we don’t wear underwear.

Michael Ironside could not be reached for a comment

If you need anything, simply contact a flight attendant, and they will be sure to post your naked photos on the internet. Science’s upstart cousin, technology, is at it again, and this time, it’s taking the Girls Gone Wild route. Civil liberties advocates are campaigning against the use of super high tech airport security scanners that create highly detailed images of passengers’ naked bodies. On the chance that they’re not successful… anyone know how to get a job in airport security? Not that we’re asking. Having a desire to work in airport security is akin to enjoying a nice, solid punch in the face. And not the Hawaiian Punch kind.