Booze News takes to the skies

Beer is always The Guys’ baggage.

The Guys have two important updates in the world of booze today, and both center around civil aviation.

If you’ve ever waited for your luggage in the airport, then you’ve probably seen a few mushy airport greetings. We never got them, personally. You just went on a trip to get away from someone, and now you both have to pretend to be happy to see each other?

That is, until we saw this airport reunion.

Some lucky bastard can’t wait to lock lips with this beauty in front of Avis and everybody.

An Australian man (of course) checked the beeah (it’s apparently Australian for “beer”) as his sole luggage on a flight from Melbourne to Perth. And, to demonstrate how much more seriously Australia takes both beer and luggage, it arrived in perfect condition. So, that’s two reasons to fly Quantas now.

On the other hand, it doesn’t matter how much you pay for the flight, there’s still a limit to how much you can drink before they’ll let you take off. Former Anheuser-Busch CEO August Busch IV was taken into custody for allegedly appearing too intoxicated to pilot a helicopter, which is weird, because we thought everyone drinks Bud Light to sober up before heading home. But, statistically, it’s still the safest way to travel to Waffle House at 3am.

More airline passengers loaded than ever

TSA seized almost as many guns as nail clippers last week.
TSA seized almost as many guns as nail clippers last week.

It’s pretty normal to get loaded before a flight. You’re not driving, and you’re about to sit elbow-in-lap with a perfect stranger, which is basically a hook-up. What wasn’t normal — until this week — was to get loaded by bringing your gun on your carry-on. Alas, TSA confiscated a new record of 73 guns in one week in carry-on screenings.

That’s right: 73 people thought they were the one exception to no firearms allowed onboard a commercial flight. 68 of those guns were loaded, and 27 had a round in the chamber.

What’s weird is that, just one year ago, TSA managed to miss 95 percent of undercover agents smuggling in test contraband through security checkpoints. That’s how dumb our nation’s armed patriots are: they still got caught by TSA.

It’s a Matryoshka doll of drugs

Jamaica may have a bit of stereotype problem when it comes to drugs. Mind you, that’s always been relegated to just marijuana. The country appears to be not so lenient (attitude-wise) toward other illegal paraphernalia. So, what’s a smuggler to do when it comes to that area?

Obviously the smart thing is to smuggle cocaine via an X-Box.

At least, that’s what I can gather from the growing trend that seems to have arisen from using Microsoft’s first gaming console as a means to transport cocaine. Well, sort of. The problem is that these stories seem to be ending in the drugs not being delivered. Perhaps a new method might be required? I recommend the original Game Boy!

It’s a trap, older ladies!

The Transportation Security Administration has announced that it will ease up screening procedures on seniors aged 75 and above. Much in the same way they’ve done for kids 12 and under, TSA will no longer force the elderly to remove their shoes or outerwear at security checkpoints, and they will now be able to opt out of pat-downs provided they submit to a second no-touch screening.

But, just when TSA thinks they’ve found a way to improve their perception problem, they introduce a whole new one: passenger ages will be determined by a screener’s visual assessment. Unless … maybe it’s a trap to compliment grandmas, like carding older ladies for booze?

Let’s hope she kept it down during her contractions

Flying comes with its own list of headaches, including headaches caused by cabin pressurization problems, but nothing is worse than a crying baby. Especially a crying baby that has their own seat in First Class.

But, one mother took one for the team and held her baby inside of her for an entire flight to Baltimore/Washington International Thurgood Marshall Airport — even during the stressful taxiing/everyone clutching their carry-ons to bolt out the jetway first standoff. She waited until safely well within Concourse D to finally take her baby out in … ugh … one of BWI’s bathrooms.

While fellow passengers applauded her ability to keep her baby out of earshot and sight, the airlines have banded together to speak out against this before it becomes trendier than those weird napkin papooses. They stated very clearly that “keeping a baby within one’s body does not void checked baggage fees for baby supplies upon delivery on airport property.”

This is a definitive statement …

… And this is a series of non-definitive statements from America’s security sweetheart, Janet Napolitano regarding how airports will continue to be defended at second and third base:

“‘The new technology, the pat-downs, is just objectively safer for our traveling public,’ Napolitano said. ‘We pick up contraband now, and we pick up more contraband with the new procedures and the new machinery. What we know is that you can’t measure the devices that we are deterring from going on a plane.'”

So, for those of you keeping score at home for our War on Nail Clippers:

1. We are finding contraband, which could be bombs or could be shampoo.

2. Nobody can count this contraband, which means that it’s either A) an embarrassingly small amount, B) a pants-wettingly large amount or C) unable to be counted because nobody keeps track of attempted terror attacks in our airports.

3. We are all now, somehow, objectively safer.

Of course you’re safe, citizens. Now take off your pants for mommy.

Take it from Snee: We could be safer

Americans are upset at TSA, and it’s not because we’re the only country in the world that requires airline passengers to take off their shoes. We’ve been given a choice between having a digital naked picture taken of us (which will never, ever end up online) or let Bubba Notacop grab a feelsky before we can get through security.

I, however, am not most Americans. You see a police state; I see free hernia checks. (Now who’s providing free health care?) I like the feeling of a security blanket, and to hog more of that blanket, I’ve got a few more recommendations for our Department of Homeland Security. Continue reading Take it from Snee: We could be safer

‘Presume’ nothing with tigers

A woman was caught by Thai airport security with a sedated tiger cub in her carry-on bag. She attempted to smuggle the world’s orangest dangerous animal by filling the bag around it with stuffed toy tigers.

So, Time. If the tiger cub’s so “presumably adorable,” then how come it stuck out like a sore thumb against so many precious stuffed animals? Sounds like it was too ugly to pass the Hobbes Fantasy vs. Reality Tiger Test.

But that’s not the end of the story. The tiger’s destination? Iran.

Titis under man’s clothes in airport!

Reader, do you:

  • Hate animals?
  • Fear illegal Latino immigrants?
  • Find words that sound like “titties” hilarious and verrrrry arousing?

Then get the monitor swabs ready, because you’re about to shoot your SeriouslyLoad!

A man was arrested trying to smuggle 18 illegal Peruvian titi monkeys into the Mexico City Airport. Hm, a human smuggling contraband in his clothes in Mexico. We wonder where they were headed next. (By “wonder,” we mean “know exactly.”)

As fun as it is to snort coke off of titis, especially off those belonging to strippers, you are abetting a horrible trade and aiding the enemy in the War on Animals.

‘Gun-owners need not apply’

We’ve discussed guns in this space before. Americans have a right to them, and private businesses have a right to refuse service to anyone they choose … if they’re willing to make us leave.

Since open-carry proponents’ boycott of Starbucks isn’t working, the our brothers in Georgia have almost passed a law to allow privately-owned guns in non-secure areas of the airport. You know, the lobby to the place where it’s illegal to carry bottled water and pocket knives?

According to one of the lawmakers, State Rep. Tim Bearden, “Posting a metal sign that says ‘Gun-Free Zone’ is not going to stop a terrorist or any criminal intent on doing harm to law-abiding citizens.”

And Bearden’s right. A terrorist could pull a gun at the Delta counter. Or in the parking lot. Or in the men’s room when we’re just looking for a handie.

That’s why we need armed private citizens patrolling our airports for other armed private citizens. And to expedite this recruitment, we shouldn’t waste time with bothersome tests like in, say, law enforcement, airport security, anti-terrorist operations, the ability to use said weapon or basic logic.