Never go flying with Harrison Ford

Lao Che’s plan was pretty solid, in retrospect.

There’s a danger in the skies over Los Angeles, and its name is Harrison Ford.

Nearly two years after a crash landing on a Santa Monica golf course, Harrison Ford is once again endangering the lives of unsuspecting Angelenos. The famed actor has just been cited by the FAA for landing his plane on another non-runway, but at least this time it was an airport. According to authorities, Ford was cleared to land on a runway at John Wayne Airport on Monday, but mistakenly landed on a taxiway instead, nearly hitting a 737 with 116 people on it. Luckily no one was injured.

So the next time you fly, don’t worry about turbulence, worry that Harrison Ford is lurking out there somewhere.

Your airport security nightmare — now with clowns

You may have heard that the security lines at airports have shot through the roof recently. You may have also heard that this is the result of a lack of TSA agents to screen passengers in a timely manner. We’re proud to report that the federal government is finally going to fix that problem.

Just kidding, they’re hiring clowns! Airports across the country are hiring clowns and some other entertainers to keep the detainees people in line in a good mood. Because there isn’t a bad situation that can’t be made worse by clowns.

Other airports are offering comfort animals and free candy. Sorry people with allergies.

Airport shows sex scene on monitors, no one complains

Airports are miserable places. They are filled with delays, lines, and worst of all, other people. But the Portugese are way ahead of us when it comes to making going to the airport a more pleasant experience.

While waiting for their luggage at an airport in Lison, Portugal, new arrivals were treated to a graphic sex scene playing on the monitors around baggage carousels. It played for several minutes before someone fixed it. According to airport authorities, no one complained about the choice of entertainment.

Luckily, we show signs of catching up here in the U.S. A few weeks ago, sounds from an adult video were played over the loudspeakers in a Target in California. Because we’re prudes, people complained.

Now the TSA is discriminating against pirates

Despite having an entire day dedicated to talking like them, pirates are still second-class citizens here in America. In recent weeks, we’ve seen pirates get beaten up and have security called on them just for how they dress. The hatred continues.

In Hawaii, a place that ought to have a lot of experience with pirates, one man was flying back from Maui to San Francisco, or at least he tried. TSA agents didn’t like that he had a cannon barrel in his checked luggage even though it wasn’t loaded. A pirate never travels without his guns. After some unwarranted harassment and trampling of his rights as a human, the pirate was allowed to board his flight, but his cannon barrel had to fly back separately.

Look past the eye patch, people!

The barf bags will get more use

The experience of flying is getting worse and worse, thanks to airlines. But there is good news coming to some travelers seeking some shelter from the stress of no meals, small seats, endless delays and frisky security frisks, at least for those heading through Chicago.

Fliers going through Chicago O’Hare or Midway could be treated to the abolition of last call in bars. The proposed plan is to let airport bars stay open around the clock, if they pay more for their liquor licenses. Flying is about to get a little blurrier.

[via Consumerist]

Game over, man! Game over!

It's Pat!Believe it or not, there’s an actual method to TSA screening beyond searching for 3-ounce shampoo bottles.

Their screening manual was leaked online, and includes possible methods for defeating airport security measures like using a wheelchair or wearing a cast or orthropedic shoes.

Really? They don’t suspect the disabled despite the 1993 World Trade Center bombing being planned by a blind guy and the retarded fundamentalists that try to light their shoes on fire? I guess the TSA has a cutoff point for “too disabled.”

The only thing that disappoints us about this story is that they don’t explain why other methods are used in the first place, like banning Swiss Army knives. Have you tried to open one in a moment of passion? It takes three tries just to extend a useful tool, and even then, it’ll probably be a magnifying glass or can openner.

What are airports doing about the avian threat?

As proved recently in the crash in the Hudson, birds intentionally try to bring down planes carrying civilians because to them we are all the same. To keep the public safe, airports are using high tech stuff to keep our foes at bay.

They set up foliage that looks nice for landing on, and put netting over water so birds don’t land there. They use radar to track the enemy’s movements. They shine green light at the birds, which for some reason mimics a predator stalking them. We all know that bird predators are miners with low-light green film attached to their lamps, so it’s the logical choice.

Most importantly, they use guns. These guns are really used or loaded to kill, although they should be. They just shoot shells that make really loud noises to scare off the birds. Here’s a thought: why not load up those shotguns with actual shot, better yet, how about some bird-seeking missile launchers.