The experience of flying is getting worse and worse, thanks to airlines. But there is good news coming to some travelers seeking some shelter from the stress of no meals, small seats, endless delays and frisky security frisks, at least for those heading through Chicago.
Fliers going through Chicago O’Hare or Midway could be treated to the abolition of last call in bars. The proposed plan is to let airport bars stay open around the clock, if they pay more for their liquor licenses. Flying is about to get a little blurrier.
Believe it or not, there’s an actual method to TSA screening beyond searching for 3-ounce shampoo bottles.
Their screening manual was leaked online, and includes possible methods for defeating airport security measures like using a wheelchair or wearing a cast or orthropedic shoes.
Really? They don’t suspect the disabled despite the 1993 World Trade Center bombing being planned by a blind guy and the retarded fundamentalists that try to light their shoes on fire? I guess the TSA has a cutoff point for “too disabled.”
The only thing that disappoints us about this story is that they don’t explain why other methods are used in the first place, like banning Swiss Army knives. Have you tried to open one in a moment of passion? It takes three tries just to extend a useful tool, and even then, it’ll probably be a magnifying glass or can openner.
As proved recently in the crash in the Hudson, birds intentionally try to bring down planes carrying civilians because to them we are all the same. To keep the public safe, airports are using high tech stuff to keep our foes at bay.
They set up foliage that looks nice for landing on, and put netting over water so birds don’t land there. They use radar to track the enemy’s movements. They shine green light at the birds, which for some reason mimics a predator stalking them. We all know that bird predators are miners with low-light green film attached to their lamps, so it’s the logical choice.
Most importantly, they use guns. These guns are really used or loaded to kill, although they should be. They just shoot shells that make really loud noises to scare off the birds. Here’s a thought: why not load up those shotguns with actual shot, better yet, how about some bird-seeking missile launchers.