You Missed It: Cliffhanger edition

Congress also forgot to save that town from the flood.

We made it into 2013. We survived the hangovers on New Year’s Day, but there’s one hangover we’re not over yet: the holiday hangover. After weeks of everything everywhere telling us that we are in the midst of a special time of year, it’s just over. We have to go back to regular schedules and act like we’re not special anymore. What’s worse is that it’s January, which means it’s cold and miserable, and you’re probably getting over an illness you picked up from a party. If you were busy announcing you’re going to ESPN after your retirement, odds are you missed it.

Happy fiscal cliff!
This week, the 112th Congress, in its last effort, finally reached a deal to avoid going over the so-called fiscal cliff, the only problem is that they didn’t get it done until Jan. 1, when we had already gone over the cliff. However, the language in the bill applied the deal retroactively. So we went over the cliff, but then Congress flew around the Earth at a really fast speed, going back in time by a matter of hours, and unthrew us over the cliff. They then made way for the 113th Congress and its plan of continuing to accomplish nothing.

Close the door, have a seat
It was a bloodbath at the end of the NFL regular season. As soon as the games were over, seven teams took no time in letting their coaches go. In fact, Andy Reid was actually fired before the Philadelphia Eagles’ final game, but he coached anyway, which is kind of a metaphor for the team’s entire season. But don’t feel bad, kids. Reid just signed with the Kansas City Chiefs. He’s going from cheese steaks to ribs!

Al-Jazeera Gore
Qatari news network Al-Jazeera announced the purchase of Current TV, a left-leaning channel formed in part by former Vice President Al Gore. “I always knew the Democrats were on the side of the terrorists,” said every crazy person with Internet access.

Al Gore’s love of metal wins out

Al and Tipper Gore are calling it quits, surprising everyone only two weeks after their fortieth anniversary. While some can’t believe it happened so late in their marriage, most are amazed that they divorced before the Clintons.

In any case, the world has gained a single Al Gore, and–although we rarely get involved–we just can’t help but root the guy on.

So, if you’re single, too, and your sex life could use a human robot, have you considered Al Gore? Here’s what Al brings to the boudoir:

  • Handmade anniversary gift certificates for back rubs and carbon emissions.
  • Flights on his personal jet to any environmentally-endangered corner of the globe.
  • The dirtiest cybersex in the kinkiest chat room on the Internet that he invented.
  • Willingness to call “recounts” until sex ends in his favor.
  • Slideshows.
  • Leonardo DiCaprio.

You Missed It: Big is the new small edition

I don’t know about you guys, but January has seemed like it’s dragged on. I’d say it’s felt easily like the longest month we’ve had this year. Let’s not forget that The Guys even took two days off this month. Ug. Anyway, it’s over now. If you were busy anticipating the Pro Bowl, you’re probably the only one, and you missed it.

I’m tired of being able type with two hands
Steve Jobs, god of all that is Apple, introduced the iPad, a much-rumored tablet computer thingy that got mixed reviews at best. You can’t multi-task, you have to use complicated wires to connect anything to it, and 3G coverage is extra (plus a monthly service fee). We don’t know about you, but we’ve been clamoring for a big-ass iTouch. Now if only there were some kind of feminine product joke to make.

And no one noticed Biden’s purple-ish tie?
The same day as the iPad’s unveiling, another grand presentation was made by another celebratedr presentation person: President Barack Obama. During his State of the Union address, Obama bashed a Supreme Court decision that opened the door for corporate campaign sponsorship. Justice Sam Alito(ooo) was caught on camera shaking his head and mouthing something that looked like “No way, that’s wrong.” Alito’s message was brought to you by Geico, a 15 minute call could save you 15 percent or more on car insurance.

Osama, Al Gore find common ground
In a statement, Osama bin Laden called for the oil industry to separate itself from using the U.S. dollar as its standard currency, he also said climate change is all America’s fault, because, you know, it’s not like his native Saudi Arabia is the leading oil exporter in the world or anything.

This is what we get for shunning hunter-gatherers

Another study came out about climate change. The bad news is that they still think it exists and don’t mention God as a reason for it. The good news is that it’s not our fault!

Nope, it’s ancient farmers. Apparently, they all burned down so many forests that they released a lot of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, which probably caused the world to heat up and thus bring Al Gore to post-political fame. So, um, now what?

The McBournie Minute: Tomorrow is not the end of annoyance

Here we are at the end of the campaign trail of the 2008 election, or as it is known in the Washington area, the kickoff for 2012. We all know where the candidates stand on the issues, heck, Al Gore emailed my work address this morning to tell me about how important elections are, which is probably caused by global warming. In just over 24 hours, it will all finally be over. No more calls, no more people knocking on your door, no more activists pathetically trying to get you to listen to them as you walk by listening to your iPod.

This is the end of the good times.

In my opinion, this election could not have come at a worse time. We as a nation were finally united and then this thing comes along and splits us all up again. For the past two or three years, we have reached across our own aisles to work together toward a common goal: hating George W. Bush. It took the hard work of a bumbling administration, war, natural disaster, the English language and the hard work of people like Michael Moore and Susan Sarandon, but we got there. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Tomorrow is not the end of annoyance

When life gives you limes, save the world

You’re tired of 7Up, aren’t you? Not to mention, it’s getting to be late July and you’re already sick of Corona. What are you going to do with all of those limes? Perhaps it’s time you got working on reducing that carbon footprint of yours.

That’s right, the same thing Bud Light has been adding to their product to make it seem enjoyable can help you save the planet. Scientists say adding lime to ocean water may reduce carbon emissions, thereby letting Republicans the oil industry get back to making its money killing us all.

The scientists said they came up with the idea after several rounds passing around a bottle of Jose Cuervo on a recent bender.

“Dude, we should, like, totally add limes into the ocean. HAHAHAHAHA. And then, and then, no, no wait, listen you guys. SHHHHH! And then, all the acid would, like, eat away all the carbon when it rains, and–SHUT UP! And then it would make the world totally safer for everyone.”

(Via Gizmodo)