Alabama to teachers: Keep it in your pants

It’s been a while since we had something in this category. Any teacher will tell you–whether you ask them or not–how tough their job is. They have to deal with children, and they have to resist the urge to put their hands on the teenagers they find themselves attracted to. Alabama wants to help.

The state legislature is considering a bill that would require teachers to, and this is true, take a training course on how to not have sex with students. They’re doing this because teachers in the state are having trouble keeping it in their pants. Just this month, there have been five arrests related to high school teachers getting it on with underage students.

Who knew Alabama students were so attractive?

You Missed It: Equal love edition

Hey look, something not terrible happened!
Hey look, something not terrible happened!

Being cool is a lot harder today than it was a decade ago, thanks to the progress of the internet. Ten years ago, the things we watched we on TV, and the music we listened to was on the radio. It was mostly how we learned about what the new cool thing was. Today, there are so many things to watch in so many different places online, and there’s so much music available to stream for free, you’re probably going to miss a lot of it. And now, James Taylor has the No. 1 album in the U.S. James Taylor. I no longer understand what’s cool. If you were busy selling your soul for success this week, odds are you missed it.

Love wins in split decision
This week, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that same-sex couples have a Constitutional right to marry. The 5-4 decision immediately made gay marriage legal in all 50 states. So if you see people nervously looking at the sky, it’s just homophobes waiting for God’s wrath to strike America.

Flags of dishonor
Following the murder of nine African-Americans by a white supremacist last week, the South Carolina legislature said it would consider removing the Confederate battle flag known as the Southern Cross from capital grounds, after state leaders called for the move. Alabama Gov. Robert Bentley ordered the flag to be taken down from the state capitol. For those of you keeping score at home, it only takes the U.S. 150 years to fix important societal problems. So watch out, crazed, angry people: you’ve only got until 2165 to buy guns.

Señorita Los Estados Unidos
Following Donal Trump’s slurs against Mexicans in his rambling announcement that he was running for president, Univision said it wouldn’t air the Trump-owned Miss USA pageant. In response, Trump has banned all Univsion employees from playing at his golf course in Miami–you know, like a president would do.

Oh, to be a fly on the wall in Alabama

While the rest of the country is replaying the '90s, Alabama's still wrapping up the '80s.
Holy crap! We really are reliving the ’90s, one set of read lips at a time.

Longtime readers will remember that I used to live in Alabama, and I was there for the Tea Party revolution that had right-leaning voters so angry that they literally destroyed ballots by voting Republican so hard with their pencils. As part of those sweeps, they elected Robert Bentley governor, who promised “no new taxes” — as if the over 90% Republican state legislature would let him anyway.

Well, four years later, and that Republican legislature is looking at cuts to fill a $250 million hole in the budget. Gov. Bentley says this will mean “closing State Trooper posts, National Guard armories, and decreasing Department of Mental Health and Department of Corrections services,” and that the only solution is to raise taxes.

And just to really troll his fellow Republicans, he’s saying he’s doing it because Reagan did it:

‘Ronald Reagan, the icon of conservatism, raised taxes because he was a conservative,’ Bentley said. ‘There is nothing more conservative than paying your debts and getting your budgets in order. That’s conservative.’

Oh, to be a fly on the wall of that statehouse.

Physician, serve thyself

In fairness, though, it’s tough being a competent, caring gynecologist when you look and act like such a dick.

In Alabama, all professions are somehow political — and, therefore, religious — even medicine. During and shortly after the passage of the Affordable Care Act, I passed the time spent waiting in a dermatologist’s office by reading the marked Bible passages that he believe invalidated Obamacare.

So, it’s not too surprising that, not only did a doctor trade the Hippocratic Oath for the Hypocrite’s and run for the State Senate, Sen. Larry Stutt is now trying to repeal a law named for a patient whose post-pregnancy death he was sued over. The law requires insurers to cover post-pregnancy hospital stays after his patient, Rose Church, died of a heart attack 10 days after giving birth.

Stutt’s bill, Senate Bill 289, “would also also end a requirement that doctors inform women when finding dense breast tissue, which is associated with an increased risk of breast cancer, during a mammogram.” So, it might be that Dr. Sen. Stutt merely hates all women and not just the one that he settled out of court over. After all, what do they know, whether it concerns the health of their breasts or how they feel post-pregnancy?

‘Drive, drive, drive!’ still better than ‘Ride, ride, ride!’

For the however many number-nth time, SeriouslyGuys doesn’t not publicly advocate the act of committing a crime, no matter how large or small it may seem. That said, we sure wouldn’t mind a better breed of villain, or at the very least, a smarter variety, even if the dumber kind keep us in business.

Example: no matter what you think, if you’re fleeing the scene of a crime and you need a getaway vehicle, while it’s good to put emphasis on the ‘getaway’ part of the phrase, you really should put more emphasis on the ‘vehicle’ aspect.

Dead politicians tell no tales

Depending on who you ask, American voters elected the wrong people on Tuesday. But, we can all agree that it’s a mistake to elect zombies to higher office, which is exactly what voters in Alabama and Florida did.

Florida elected Democrat incumbent and wormgarden Earl K. Wood as Orange County Tax Collector in Orlando, and Alabama elected Republican challenger and body temperature-impaired Charles Beasley to the Bibb County Commission. Both candidates died weeks before Nov. 6, yet voters did not notice a change in their dead, vacant eyes and funereal, moaning campaign promises.

Way to go, democracy. Get ready for new bills where doctors are replaced with chefs and more brains handouts to the unresuscitable.

Republican Alabamians go full-Mormon for Romney

Knowing their state is a lock for Mitt Romney in the 2012 presidential election, members of the Alabama Republican Party have gone full-Mormon. Their new initiative, Alabama’s Battleground Patriots, will send volunteers door-to-door in swing states, including Florida, North Carolina, Ohio and — oh, good lord — Virginia to spread the good word about voting for Romney.

So, it looks like certain Guys who thought they left this malarkey behind when they moved from Alabama to Virginia will be keeping their lights off and remaining as quiet as possible.

Take it from Snee: I’ll miss you, Huntsville

Well, this is officially my last Take it from Snee as a Huntsville, Alabama resident. On Friday, I return to Northern Virginia, from whence I came, with a new job.

I’ve ragged a lot on Huntsville my years here, from her lack of a decent rock radio station to her jarringly loud tornado sirens (the latter proving to be entirely necessary). And let’s not forget her attempts to make me fat or give me STDs with her drive-through sex toy shops. But, that doesn’t mean I haven’t loved her and the people here. Believe you me, once I’m back in NoVa, you’ll hear plenty about that region that just thinks it’s DC.

No, I do not come to bury Huntsville, but to give it to her one last time. Lovingly. Continue reading Take it from Snee: I’ll miss you, Huntsville

You there! Cancer or death?

The Guys take comedy very seriously, and when a new advancement is made in the field of practical jokes, then we feel that it is our responsibility — nay, our duty — to give it the recognition it deserves. Would the inventor of the exploding cigar-sized electronic cigarette please step forward?

Thanks to your efforts, Unidentified Purveyor of Alternative Nicotine Dispensers, a new generation will know the joy of exploding cigars as leaf-based smoking products continue their death march to illegality. And, let’s not forget the cultural impact of your invention: thousands of animated shorts from the 1930s, ’40s and ’50s will remain relevant for using the analog equivalent to your fine product.

But, it also improves on the original. Whereas the analog exploding cigar would blacken the victim’s face and — at its inflammatory — inspire minstrelsy, the digital model induces severe burns, knocks out teeth, severs portions of the tongue and ejects the flaming battery, causing a structure fire if left unchecked.

So, step forward and accept your reward. And afterwards, we’ll smoke a congratulatory e-cigarette. Don’t worry; we always have seltzer bottles on hand. We’re comedy professionals.

Not so good, not so bad

In news from 2005 2012, a judge in Alabama signed an order declaring that missing white girl Natalee Holloway has been legally declared dead.

In other news, a disheveled Nancy Grace was seen puttering around town clutching a brown paper bag and muttering to herself “Just what am I gonna do for ratings or segments or anything at all NOW?”