Dead politicians tell no tales

Depending on who you ask, American voters elected the wrong people on Tuesday. But, we can all agree that it’s a mistake to elect zombies to higher office, which is exactly what voters in Alabama and Florida did.

Florida elected Democrat incumbent and wormgarden Earl K. Wood as Orange County Tax Collector in Orlando, and Alabama elected Republican challenger and body temperature-impaired Charles Beasley to the Bibb County Commission. Both candidates died weeks before Nov. 6, yet voters did not notice a change in their dead, vacant eyes and funereal, moaning campaign promises.

Way to go, democracy. Get ready for new bills where doctors are replaced with chefs and more brains handouts to the unresuscitable.

Republican Alabamians go full-Mormon for Romney

Knowing their state is a lock for Mitt Romney in the 2012 presidential election, members of the Alabama Republican Party have gone full-Mormon. Their new initiative, Alabama’s Battleground Patriots, will send volunteers door-to-door in swing states, including Florida, North Carolina, Ohio and — oh, good lord — Virginia to spread the good word about voting for Romney.

So, it looks like certain Guys who thought they left this malarkey behind when they moved from Alabama to Virginia will be keeping their lights off and remaining as quiet as possible.

Take it from Snee: I’ll miss you, Huntsville

Well, this is officially my last Take it from Snee as a Huntsville, Alabama resident. On Friday, I return to Northern Virginia, from whence I came, with a new job.

I’ve ragged a lot on Huntsville my years here, from her lack of a decent rock radio station to her jarringly loud tornado sirens (the latter proving to be entirely necessary). And let’s not forget her attempts to make me fat or give me STDs with her drive-through sex toy shops. But, that doesn’t mean I haven’t loved her and the people here. Believe you me, once I’m back in NoVa, you’ll hear plenty about that region that just thinks it’s DC.

No, I do not come to bury Huntsville, but to give it to her one last time. Lovingly. Continue reading Take it from Snee: I’ll miss you, Huntsville

You there! Cancer or death?

The Guys take comedy very seriously, and when a new advancement is made in the field of practical jokes, then we feel that it is our responsibility — nay, our duty — to give it the recognition it deserves. Would the inventor of the exploding cigar-sized electronic cigarette please step forward?

Thanks to your efforts, Unidentified Purveyor of Alternative Nicotine Dispensers, a new generation will know the joy of exploding cigars as leaf-based smoking products continue their death march to illegality. And, let’s not forget the cultural impact of your invention: thousands of animated shorts from the 1930s, ’40s and ’50s will remain relevant for using the analog equivalent to your fine product.

But, it also improves on the original. Whereas the analog exploding cigar would blacken the victim’s face and — at its inflammatory — inspire minstrelsy, the digital model induces severe burns, knocks out teeth, severs portions of the tongue and ejects the flaming battery, causing a structure fire if left unchecked.

So, step forward and accept your reward. And afterwards, we’ll smoke a congratulatory e-cigarette. Don’t worry; we always have seltzer bottles on hand. We’re comedy professionals.

Not so good, not so bad

In news from 2005 2012, a judge in Alabama signed an order declaring that missing white girl Natalee Holloway has been legally declared dead.

In other news, a disheveled Nancy Grace was seen puttering around town clutching a brown paper bag and muttering to herself “Just what am I gonna do for ratings or segments or anything at all NOW?”

The Octoberfest Report

And now a recap from the world’s second greatest drinking event of the year (right behind the day after Christmas): Octoberfest.

The main event, Munich, was the true success story this year. The 6.9 million visitors set a new record, consuming 7.5 million liters (1.65 million gallons) of beer, or one Shamu tank. That only works out to over 1 liter (or less than a quarter gallon) per person, but some of them were probably children who are famous for getting very drunk on very little.

But even more surprising is that, despite drinking more, there were only 58 recorded brawls in which fighters wielded their giant beer steins as weapons. Looks like their priorities — and hearts — were in the right place.

This year was also the first wet Octoberfest for the small Alabama town of Cullman. Located an hour from Huntsville, the city has anually celebrated Octoberfest since 1977 even though they had never repealed their Prohibition era laws against alcohol. Until this year. We don’t have any numbers from their event, but we can only assume they also had fewer fights with the addition of any alcohol.

That’s just math, people.

Take it from Snee: Lightning (and Tornadoes) Round

Sorry about missing “Take it from Snee” last week. If you were busy watching those crazy British kids getting married or the end of the “Do you remember where you were on 9/11?”-era, then you may not have noticed that Alabama was trying to kill me. (Did you see what I did there, McBournie?)

Believe it or not, this is actually my second draft of this post. I tried to live blog the tornado warnings that, in Alabama, come with World War II-edition sirens. These interrupted me so often that by the time I worked a game out of it, the power shut off and was not restored to my neighborhood until last night.

For six nights–which is how you count blackouts because daylight isn’t blacked out–I lived a preview of our future dystopian nightmare. I survived and bring you the following findings. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Lightning (and Tornadoes) Round

This post contains only 30% new news

Remember the lawsuit filed against Taco Bell that claimed the fast-food giant’s seasoned beef was, well, less than all beef? Turns out the lawsuit’s been dropped.

Taco Bell always contended that the lawsuit was “absolutely wrong.” And the company spent a total of $7 million dollars in advertising to drive the point home that their seasoned meat is 88% beef.

Guess it worked. Beasley Allen, the law firm that filed the suit, said the marketing and product disclosure that Taco Bell offered changed their minds, and they withdrew the suit. While it seems that all they wanted was for chalupa-loving customers to know that 12% of the meat in their sandwich was beef-free, because I don’t care much for math, I have no idea how to figure out just how much actual beef is in the double decker taco. Twenty-four percent? Six percent? Fifty majillion? Yeah, that sounds about right.

Take it from Snee: I just heard … the worst band today

I awoke this morning to Creed.

The only way to start this day any s%&ttier would be to wake up with an actual human turd in either ear. (I prefer the left ear to compliment my earring.)

It should be noted that I possibly brought this on myself by programming my alarm clock to play Huntsville, AL rock station 95.1, The Rocket. In my defense: it is the loudest station in the area that will wake me up, and it’s not country, so I’ll shut off the alarm clock and not kill my wife and nearby animals.

But, Creed? In 2011? Continue reading Take it from Snee: I just heard … the worst band today

Violence and sex link finally discovered

Hard-line conservatives traditionalists take note: you’ve now been justified. Except, sortamaybekindanotreally.

As we’ve stated before, everyone loves sex toys. Where can you get sex toys? At adult stores, but more importantly, if you live in Huntsville, Alabama, you can get them at Pleasures, right Rick Snee? Right! But, what if you’re a poor yet horny (porny? hoor?) person living in that town, but all you own is a firing device? Then brother/sister, hold onto those yearnings for just 5 more days-Pleasures is here for you.

That’s right, on Valentine’s Day, bring your firing device (the metal one) to Pleasures’ Huntsville location (as in the first ever drive-thru adult store) and they’ll give you an adult toy, no ifs, ands or buts. Not that a lack of buts should deter you. It’s like guns for toys, but these transformers go up your butt.

Sherri Williams, owner of Pleasures, said the “Guns for Toys” event is her contribution to making love, not war in Alabama where guns are legal and adult toys are not. Customers can bring in a gun in any condition to trade for an adult toy. Williams says all guns that were used in a crime will be handed over to authorities while all others will be placed in an auction for sale on the store’s website. A portion of the proceeds will benefit victims of violent crimes through the ACVCC.

See? They are connected, but in a good way. Unless February 14 has a full moon this year, in which case, the Composite Bryan McBournie/Rick Snee Monster will arise and the combination of the devices will only end in tears.