Tag: Alabama

‘Beefy’ is a state of mind, really

MacDonald’s maple syrup crisis may be over, but there’s a new fast food battle looming on the horizon.

A Montgomery, Alabama-based law firm is suing Taco Bell for their egregious use of the word “beef” to describe their brown-flavored meat filling. According to the firm’s test results, the mixture is only 35 percent beef, which is about 35 percent more beef than we ever suspected was inside of it.

Taco Bell is already gearing up their defense, and they’re opting for the “Miracle on 34th Street”: “We’re happy that the millions of customers we serve every week agree.”

That’s right: if enough people say it’s beef, then what choice does the government have but to agree?

[via John Papageorgio]

Alabama is trying to kill me with sex

SeriouslyGuys deployed me to Huntsville, Alabama in 2007. They hoped that they would have direct access to all the stupid stories in the South. (Who would have suspected Florida and South Carolina?)

But, every now and then, this town delivers.

Local sex shop Pleasures will open a second location in Huntsville in the best metaphor of our economic times: a closed-down bank. The drive-thru teller lanes will be incorporated into the business as the first sex toy drive-thru in Alabama and possibly the world.

Look, Pleasures owner Sherri Williams: Huntsville just outlawed texting and driving to curb accidents and save lives. Now I have to dodge your customers when they’re on a “joy ride?” Not cool.

And it probably shouldn’t be hot pink, either

If you’re going to rob a store, you may want to actually have a weapon that will intimidate. A gun is an excellent example of this, however, a toy gun–not so much. We have seen this used in several movies,  Made and Big Trouble just to name a few. But you know what happens when you use a fake gun to show people you mean business, they figure out it’s a toy gun.

That’s what happened in Alabama, when Rick Snee a man tried to rob a gas station. The store clerk was not so intimidated and pulled out a cricket bat. Seeing his error in bringing a toy gun to a cricket bat fight, the would-be thief took off running into the night.

Why the hell does a gas station in Alabama have cricket bat?

Oh god, I’m fat

I know it was you, Popeye. You broke my heart.In my on-going series of ways that Alabama is trying to kill me, I’ve learned that I’m a no-good fat fatty-fat fat-fat.

Those of you who may know me would be surprised, considering I’ve always seemed smaller than everyone else (except Chugs). But that’s exactly how it snuck up on me.

According to Time Magazine, Alabama ranks as not only one of the poorest, but also one of the fattest states (except Mississippi). Over 30% of this state’s population is obese because of fried food, gravy and a lack of grocery stores, sidewalks, bike lanes and public transportation (gotta walk to bus stops).

Because so many people around me are obese, I didn’t even notice my weight gain. No matter how big I got, I looked “normal.” And, according to CNN, even Old Navy may have conspired against me by marking larger cloths with smaller measurements! So my waist size hasn’t really been 30 this whole time!

So, when Alabama’s tornadoes and rising STD rates missed me, it resorted to the old fashioned way: diabetes and heart disease.

Obtuse Alabama beer law sudsed

Alabama Governor Riley has signed HB373 into law! Isn’t that awesome?!

…

Oh, you don’t know what that means.

Alabama law previously outlawed any and all beer with an above 6 percent alcohol content. This limited unfortunate citizens of the state to nothing stronger than a Budweiser.

With the passage of legislative measure HB373, that limit has been raised to 13.9 percent. We can drink foreign and microbrew beer now!

(Of course, we could already legally drink hard liquor and wine, both of which contain more alcohol per serving, but let it never be said that Southern law was based on practicality.)

The state owes a special thanks to Free The Hops, a netroots organization that helped bring the issue to public attention and get the measure passed once and for all. Gentlemen, feel free to take Monday off.

In Other News:
Dildos are still illegal in Alabama because they are the disembodied penises of Satan, wantonly giving our wives and girlfriends those “orgasms” we keep hearing so much about.

Alabama is trying to have sex with me

The criminal justice system in Alabama has always been interesting — so interesting, in fact, that it got a Best Actress Academy Award for Marisa Tomei.

Today, the Good Ol’ Boy Network just took on an entirely new meaning.

Former Mobile County Circuit Judge Herman Thomas has been arrested, accused by a grand jury of “borrowing” male inmates and coercing them into sexual play like paddling and whipping. Court documents include references to inmates’ tales of paddlin’s and old fashioned sexu’l encounters in Thomas’ office.

Thomas’ attorney, Robert Clark, calls these charges a “high tech lynching,” an attempt by “right-wing Republicans” to get rid of “the only black circuit judge we’ve ever had in Mobile County.”

Our Position:
If either sides’ allegations prove true, then it’s time to let Alabama secede from the Union again and get swallowed up by Mexico. At least their judges only take cash bribes.

Take it from Snee: Turn it down, turn it off, burn down the station

There Is No Rock Music In Huntsville, Alabama: Part I

There are two groups of people I hate in this world: the Olson Twins — for refusing to answer my very polite, well-written request for a pair of each of their panties — and Lynyrd Skynyrd.

In my defense for the Olsen panties incident, it wasn’t perverted. The two-pack I bought from their fashion line at Wal-Mart did not survive a hiking trip. But this column is not about that.

No, this is about a band that I moderately liked once … before moving to Alabama.

Continue reading Take it from Snee: Turn it down, turn it off, burn down the station

How To: Use a condom

So a certain SeriouslyMom found a condom tied around the door handle of her car in the parking lot of Target in Huntsville, Alabama. It was not a used rubber (which would make it an official scum bag), but just an unpackaged and unfurled lubricated windsock.

Perplexed by this happenstance, she consulted with the most qualified behavioral experts she knew: The Guys. After ruling out gang activity, satanic worship and swim team hazing, we determined it to be a, well, crime we guess of ignorance.

You see, Alabama is a red state. Even the clay here is red (and goopy). While the stores obviously sell condoms, teenagers aren’t taught how to use them, so the items are a bit of a mystery to them. (“Why are those balloons behind the counter?”)

With this in mind, we are taking a little time out of our busy “gettin’ busy” schedules to teach them, and anyone else living in 1958, how to use a condom. Continue reading How To: Use a condom

Take it from Snee: Alabama is still trying to kill me

Once again, Alabama is trying to kill me.

I woke up at 4 am this morning to the soundtrack from Pearl Harbor. No, not Michael Bay’s crapwork of a film. I mean air raid sirens. I leapt out of bed and fumbled with the alarm clock for a little bit–at first, to mistakenly turn it off, and then to turn on the radio to find out what the hell was going on.

I couldn’t find the radio button, so I scrambled to the living room. On the way, I tripped over the vacuum cleaner, careening it into the cockatiel’s cage and freaking him out. For good measure, I also yelled out the cat’s name while stubbing my toe on the coffee table.

Continue reading Take it from Snee: Alabama is still trying to kill me