Animals won’t stop attacking our liquor stores

If you live in Alaska, you have fought a bear. It’s a requirement for a driver’s license up there. But aside from that, Alaskans have every right to believe they can live a normal life and not have to deal with bears.

For a few terror-filled moments at a liquor store, those hopes were dashed. The clerk at the Liquor Barrel, a liquor store near Juneau, was shocked when he saw a large, brown animal walk in and it wasn’t a dog. The juvenile bear looked at the candy rack near the front door and stood up on his hind legs.

Luckily, a quick-thinking customer started clapping his hands and yelling at it, knowing that bears hate public praise. The bear soon left, and remains at large. The best news is that no bottles were harmed in the incident, unlike the peacock attack a month ago.

Nostalgia-crazed snake on a plane

The internet has been a place where people can come together to laugh and promote awful ideas for a fair amount of its existence. Long before Boaty McBoatface or pretty much every online poll to name anything ever, there was 2006’s Snakes on a Plane.

The film marked Samuel L. Jackson’s full transformation into a living meme, and is probably why we ended up with those Sharknado movies. The problem is that the movie shone a spotlight on a huge security risk for all the animals to see. That’s why a decade later we’re still seeing stories about snakes on planes. This time a passenger left his snake on a local Alaska airline, and it was found during the following flight.

Luckily for passengers, the snake wasn’t venomous, and flight attendants caught it and locked it in a storage bin until the plane was safely on the ground.

Since we’re here, let’s take a trip back to 2006 with a demonstrational video on how to smuggle snakes onto a plane.

Facebook reverses decision, says Santa Claus is real

On Christmas Day, Facebook decided to be a Grinch. That’s when the site took away Santa Claus’ Facebook account and demanded proof of identification. In other words, Facebook didn’t believe in Santa.

We should remind you that Santa Claus is a real person. He really, truly, is on the North Pole, Alaska City Council, and he’s no stranger to firing up a funny yule log, being an outspoken supporter of legalizing marijuana. But Facebook didn’t believe in him, and chose Santa’s biggest day of the year to say so. Imagine you have been out delivering presents to all the good girls and boys all night long, only to come home in the morning and find Facebook has deactivated your account.

But the jolly fat guy didn’t let it slow him down. He sent Facebook multiple forms proving his identity, and his account was reactivated just before the New Year.

Man sells newspaper because wife wants house with toilet

As anyone who still works at a newspaper will tell you, print journalism has never been hotter. That’s why The Guys have found an investment opportunity for you.

There’s a newspaper up for sale in Alaska. It’s been around for 25 years, and has won a fair share of awards along the way. But now Tom Morphet, the owner of the Chilkat Valley News, wants to sell his beloved newspaper because his wife is tired of living in a cabin in the woods.

“I said, ‘Honey, we could live for free in the cabin.’ But she wants to flush a toilet,” Morphet said. “When I met her she was a girl living out of a backpack and she didn’t care.”

Isn’t that always the way? Your wife decides she needs fancy things, so you have to give up your dreams.

You Missed It: Super edition

Chris Christie should not have dropped acid before going on stage.
Chris Christie should not have dropped acid before going on stage.

I can’t wrap my head around leap days. I understand that we get ahead by about six hours every year, and we add on an extra day every four years to compensate for it, but what are we ahead of? It’s not like two years ago, when we were 12 hours ahead, the sun was setting in the morning. If our current method of time keeping is so off, why don’t we just fix it. Have minutes last 100 seconds or something. If you were busy this week coming back to Earth after nearly a year in space, odds are you missed it.

Superman wins 0 states on Super Tuesday
This week, voters in 12 states voted in their states’ primaries, or causes, or whatever they thought was a good idea for selecting a candidate to run for president. Donald Trump pulled further away from fellow Republicans, as the wave of antidisestablishmentarianism continues to sweep through conservative voters. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders won a few states, making the 24-year-long plot line of Hillary Clinton interesting for another few weeks. Not to editorialize, but I think we’re taking our fascination with end-of-the-world shows and movies a little too far.

Rare cards date back to when baseball was entertaining
It was announced this week that seven rare Ty Cobb baseball cards were found in a paper bag in an old house, and they are indeed authentic. Until now, only 15 such cards were known to exist. Experts authenticated find by examining the ink and aging of the cards, as well as whether they made the right sound when put in bicycle spokes.

Snow race races to get snow
Speaking of sports, Anchorage, Alaska has had such a warm winter this year that snow has to be brought in by railroad just so the Iditarod can start this weekend. This has been “News That Sounds Like It’s From 1892.”

Santa Claus is governing the town

The man is a political junkie, as we saw at the Democratic debate.
The man is a political junkie, as we saw at the Democratic debate.

We don’t think about the North Pole unless it’s Christmas, but the town exists year-round. That means they must have some sort of government and all the problems of a small town.

It turns out that North Pole isn’t a dictatorship run by Santa Claus, but he just got elected to the city council. Claus conducted a successful write-in campaign for the seat in North Pole, Alaska after no one threw their hat into the ring. He got more than twice the candidate who finished second. You may remember Santa Claus from his stirring speech in favor of medical marijuana back in June.

This holiday season promises to be merrier than ever.

To defeat our enemies we must become them

We use drones to spy on them, and robots to blend in with them, but not since Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls have we earnestly attempted to become an animal in order to surveil them. Finally, people are doing just that.

In Switzerland, a researcher has transformed himself into a goat with the use of prosthetics. He even had financial backing by the U.K. government for the development of his suit. Such advancements allowed him to spend three days with a herd of goats in the Alps. Hopefully the intel bears fruit.

And speaking of bears, here in the U.S., decided to mess with some grizzlies. In Alaska, a man wore a realistic bear costume to spook a grizzly bear and two cubs were trying to catch their salmon dinner. The man was jumping around, and got within a few feet of the cubs. Not only did the man survive, but he escaped arrest, too.

Ho ho ho, dude

Why is Santa Claus always in such good spirits? Turns out he’s high all the time.

The city council of North Pole, Alaska (which really is a town) rejected a ban on medical marijuana shops within the city. During the council meeting, officials were no doubt swayed by the testimony of, and this is true, a North Pole resident named Santa Claus, who said he is a medical marijuana patient and doesn’t want to have to drive to Fairbanks.

“O Christmas Tree” has a whole new meaning.

Old age tradition creates new age problem in Alaska

Good idea: celebrating the end of New Year’s Eve with a “bang,” i.e., having a grand time and party that’s a lot of fun

Bad idea: celebrating the end of New Year’s Eve with a bang, i.e., shooting a gun

In the community of Tanana, Alaska, it’s a bit of tradition to shoot at the meeting of two rivers at midnight on New Year’s Eve. No one knows how the tradition was started as per the norm with all dumb traditions. Nevertheless, habit is habit, and a group of individuals did that very thing on December 31, 2013.

And proceeded to shoot the fiber-optic cable granting the entire town both television and internet. As of Thursday, service wasn’t running in the town yet. Ralph Eller, owner of Yukon Telephone and Supervisions Cable TV, managed to give one of the best quotes pertinent to a story in ages:

“You can’t fix stupid.”

Warrior of the week: Jason Lauesen

We don’t always need to rely on technology to win this war. Sometimes when you find yourself in a bear fight, all you need are your fists.

On Labor Day (Thanks, Fairbanks News-Miner, for finally getting around to printing this story!), Jason Lauesen and Liz Pawelko were sleeping in a tent at a campground, when a friggin’ bear poked its head through. Without thinking, and without even stopping to put on his glasses, he punched the bear in what he thinks was its face. One punch was all it took to get the bear to retreat.

Pawelko also yelled at the bear, which finally convinced it to move on.