Alaska capital goes dark after dastardly animal attack

The residents of Juneau, Alaska, are good, hard-working Americans. Certain politicians would probably even call them “real Americans.” And on Monday, there was a terrorist attack on their grid.

Authorities say that an eagle dropped a foot-long piece of metal on a power line, which caused an outage for the good people of Juneau. For well over 40 minutes these folks had to endure life without electricity. All because of an attack on our infrastructure by the animals.

Symbol of America or not, it is well past time that we finished off the bald eagles once and for all.

Kick a moose and it will kick back

It’s easy for many of us to rail against our animal foes. We aren’t really near wildlife unless we take specific steps to immerse ourselves in the world of the animals. That’s not the case in Alaska, where you can get in a fight with animals at any moment.

In You Don’t Really Care What the City Name Is, Alaska, a man walked up to moose and her calf that were blocking his way. Frustrated, he kicked the bigger moose to get it out of the way. The moose kicked him back. Authorities say the man wasn’t seriously injured in the encounter, and the two moose had left they area before they could be questioned.

The lesson here, fellow warriors, is don’t try to beat an animal with strong legs at its own game.

Alaska Rep. Don Young’s ‘Mad Men’ audition panned

"Is it still racist if I say that any one machine is worth 25 to 30 Mexicans, instead?"
“Is it still racist if I say that one machine is worth 25 to 30 Mexicans instead?”

U.S. Rep. Don Young, R-Alaska, did the time warp during a radio interview on Thursday. Citing the progress we’ve made in industry, while making none himself, Young explained: “My father had a ranch; we used to have 50 to 60 wetbacks to pick tomatoes.” Now, however, “It takes two people to pick the same tomatoes now. It’s all done by machine.”

(We presume he used the term “machine” because he wasn’t sure if his interviewer had seen Battlestar Galactica and would understand what a “toaster” is.)

Young issued a statement later to explain his use of the term “wetbacks,” saying, “I know that this term is not used in the same way nowadays and I meant no disrespect.”

See? He meant no disrespect; that’s just how people talked back then or if you’re a racist today. And if we offended Rep. Young by calling him a racist for saying a racist thing, then we assure him that we mean all of the disrespect implied.

Who would Marcia Brady endorse?

U.S. Rep. Don Young, R-Alaska, is in a real pickle. He just accidentally said yes to endorsing two Senate candidates in the same race!

You see, during Hawaii’s U.S. Senate primary, he endorsed Democrat Rep. Mazie Hirono. But, that was only because he didn’t think Linda Lingle, the former Republican governor of Hawaii, would ask him. Don’s a Republican, so it only makes sense to go with Linda, who could very well turn out to be his conservative soulmate. Imagine the bills they’d frame together!

But, he made a promise when he said he’d endorse his Congressional partner, Mazie, to the U.S. Senate, and you can’t break a promise.  Plus, she already bragged to all of her friends in a campaign video that he’s taking her! If only there were a way to let her down easy, maybe by finding a friend to endorse her in his place? Stupid election laws stating that only one candidate can win each senate race.

This is exactly why we almost didn’t let Hawaii and Alaska into the union in 1959. They’re just too immature to get the hang of electoral dating etiquette.

Newest animal threat: metrosexual bears

For years, right-wing demagogues like Rick Santorum have warned us that homosexuality will lead to sexual behavior with animals (“man on dog,” for instance). And, conservationists have warned us that destroying animals’ native environments will push more animals into direct contact with humans.

Now we have evidence that both were right.

Volker Deecke of the University of Cumbria, UK, was spying on the enemy — in this case, a brown bear in Alaska’s Glacier Bay national park — and caught this dangerous animal exfoliating with a rock.

People, if you think gay pride parades are dangerous now, just wait until they include bears. (You know which bears we mean.)

A blog divided

We’ve often heard that war has a way of tearing a person apart, damaging them to their core. We never believed that because the History channel assures us that war is awesome, especially in color and HD.

But, now we’re not sure what’s right anymore. On the one hand, all animals have the potential to be extremists; therefore, they are all the enemy. On the other, today’s story is about bald eagles, and we love America because we love hot dogs, and that’s because hot dogs democratically contain a little of every animal.

So, what do we do when our own national symbol turns on the country that almost killed it off with pesticide?

The meat lover’s vodka

Do you like smoked salmon? Of course. How about vodka? Who doesn’t? After years of questioning why no one had combined the two, the Alaska Distillery has solved the problem.

Yes, they have created smoked salmon vodka, and it’s part of a growing trend of meat-flavored vodka. Of course, it goes best in a bloody mary, but people are finding new ways to mix the spirit into other concoctions.

Finally, we can order a smoked salmontini!

[via Consumerist]

You Missed It: Wooooooooooooo! edition

It’s the end of the week for most of you reading this. Because for you, it is Friday. However, for me it is only Thursday. No, I’m not in some sort of time warp, I actually have to work tomorrow, which in your universe is Saturday. I will be missing a basketball game, a pub crawl and a parade–all in the same day. Yes, I am bitter. If you were busy heading for higher ground, odds are you missed it.

You mean spring break can be dangerous?
Remember those wild spring breaks in college? Probably not, because most people stay home. However, more students could be staying above the border this year, after the Texas Department of Public Safety warned college students not to visit Mexican border towns where rival drug cartels are waging war. This makes sense, because spring break is all about listening to authority and making good life choices.

Planet Alaska
Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is shopping around a reality TV show. The show would be about Palin’s home state and likely have the style of Discovery Channel’s Planet Earth. Sources say the show’s first episode would have everyone curious, but as more is learned, interest turns to either loving or hating it, and then the show will quit halfway through the season.

He was tall, puffy and had a homeless guy beard
Ben Roethlisberger. There’s a name you didn’t expect to hear in March, but just the same, here it comes. The star quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers was accused of sexually assaulting a woman in Georgia early Friday morning. This is the second time he’s had to deal with such allegations. In the interest of neutrality and presuming innocent until proven guilty, I’d like to say I wish Rapistberger the best of luck shaking this latest blitz.

Whoops! We had live ordinance displayed outside the bar for years!

You know those VFW halls that have an old tank or something outside to make people feel like they’re headed back into the war, so they should go inside and drink a lot? Apparently that works for just about everyone in Alaska.

For years, a bomb from the World War II era sat outside a bar in Kodiak, Alaska. It probably served as a reminder that people were going to the bar to get bombed themselves. However, it turned out that the “dud” was not actually a dud. In fact, it was an active bomb.

The bomb was blown up by soldiers because of safety concerns. But think about it, how cool would it be to sit in a bar, drinking and carrying on, only to hear a big explosion outside, then return to drinking and carrying on?

The animals’ War on Christmas

Alaska has been made fun of a lot lately, thanks to the help of former Gov. Sarah Palin. But we really should take another look. It’s a state where they battle polar bears and seals. Now, it’s also a place where no tree frog is safe.

Dead set on ruining Christmas for humans, Pacific tree frogs are invading Alaska, hitch hiking on Christmas trees. The state is aware of the threat, and they want citizens to turn in the suspected frogs “dead or alive.” We of course prefer the former of the two options.

But this raises the question, how does one kill a frog in a Christmas tree? Since running it over with a car (the traditional way) is out of the question, Alaska recommends putting Orajel on the frog’s head, which shames the frogs into unconsciousness, then throw them in the freezer. This is called the Han Solo method.