The internet has been a place where people can come together to laugh and promote awful ideas for a fair amount of its existence. Long before Boaty McBoatface or pretty much every online poll to name anything ever, there was 2006’s Snakes on a Plane.
The film marked Samuel L. Jackson’s full transformation into a living meme, and is probably why we ended up with those Sharknado movies. The problem is that the movie shone a spotlight on a huge security risk for all the animals to see. That’s why a decade later we’re still seeing stories about snakes on planes. This time a passenger left his snake on a local Alaska airline, and it was found during the following flight.
Luckily for passengers, the snake wasn’t venomous, and flight attendants caught it and locked it in a storage bin until the plane was safely on the ground.
Since we’re here, let’s take a trip back to 2006 with a demonstrational video on how to smuggle snakes onto a plane.
On Christmas Day, Facebook decided to be a Grinch. That’s when the site took away Santa Claus’ Facebook account and demanded proof of identification. In other words, Facebook didn’t believe in Santa.
We should remind you that Santa Claus is a real person. He really, truly, is on the North Pole, Alaska City Council, and he’s no stranger to firing up a funny yule log, being an outspoken supporter of legalizing marijuana. But Facebook didn’t believe in him, and chose Santa’s biggest day of the year to say so. Imagine you have been out delivering presents to all the good girls and boys all night long, only to come home in the morning and find Facebook has deactivated your account.
But the jolly fat guy didn’t let it slow him down. He sent Facebook multiple forms proving his identity, and his account was reactivated just before the New Year.
As anyone who still works at a newspaper will tell you, print journalism has never been hotter. That’s why The Guys have found an investment opportunity for you.
There’s a newspaper up for sale in Alaska. It’s been around for 25 years, and has won a fair share of awards along the way. But now Tom Morphet, the owner of the Chilkat Valley News, wants to sell his beloved newspaper because his wife is tired of living in a cabin in the woods.
“I said, ‘Honey, we could live for free in the cabin.’ But she wants to flush a toilet,” Morphet said. “When I met her she was a girl living out of a backpack and she didn’t care.”
Isn’t that always the way? Your wife decides she needs fancy things, so you have to give up your dreams.
I can’t wrap my head around leap days. I understand that we get ahead by about six hours every year, and we add on an extra day every four years to compensate for it, but what are we ahead of? It’s not like two years ago, when we were 12 hours ahead, the sun was setting in the morning. If our current method of time keeping is so off, why don’t we just fix it. Have minutes last 100 seconds or something. If you were busy this week coming back to Earth after nearly a year in space, odds are you missed it.
Superman wins 0 states on Super Tuesday
This week, voters in 12 states voted in their states’ primaries, or causes, or whatever they thought was a good idea for selecting a candidate to run for president. Donald Trump pulled further away from fellow Republicans, as the wave of antidisestablishmentarianism continues to sweep through conservative voters. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders won a few states, making the 24-year-long plot line of Hillary Clinton interesting for another few weeks. Not to editorialize, but I think we’re taking our fascination with end-of-the-world shows and movies a little too far.
Rare cards date back to when baseball was entertaining
It was announced this week that seven rare Ty Cobb baseball cards were found in a paper bag in an old house, and they are indeed authentic. Until now, only 15 such cards were known to exist. Experts authenticated find by examining the ink and aging of the cards, as well as whether they made the right sound when put in bicycle spokes.
Snow race races to get snow
Speaking of sports, Anchorage, Alaska has had such a warm winter this year that snow has to be brought in by railroad just so the Iditarod can start this weekend. This has been “News That Sounds Like It’s From 1892.”
We use drones to spy on them, and robots to blend in with them, but not since Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls have we earnestly attempted to become an animal in order to surveil them. Finally, people are doing just that.
In Switzerland, a researcher has transformed himself into a goat with the use of prosthetics. He even had financial backing by the U.K. government for the development of his suit. Such advancements allowed him to spend three days with a herd of goats in the Alps. Hopefully the intel bears fruit.
Good idea: celebrating the end of New Year’s Eve with a “bang,” i.e., having a grand time and party that’s a lot of fun
Bad idea: celebrating the end of New Year’s Eve with a bang, i.e., shooting a gun
In the community of Tanana, Alaska, it’s a bit of tradition to shoot at the meeting of two rivers at midnight on New Year’s Eve. No one knows how the tradition was started as per the norm with all dumb traditions. Nevertheless, habit is habit, and a group of individuals did that very thing on December 31, 2013.
We don’t always need to rely on technology to win this war. Sometimes when you find yourself in a bear fight, all you need are your fists.
On Labor Day (Thanks, Fairbanks News-Miner, for finally getting around to printing this story!), Jason Lauesen and Liz Pawelko were sleeping in a tent at a campground, when a friggin’ bear poked its head through. Without thinking, and without even stopping to put on his glasses, he punched the bear in what he thinks was its face. One punch was all it took to get the bear to retreat.
Pawelko also yelled at the bear, which finally convinced it to move on.
Even though it was a short week, it’s been a long week. It seems like everyone I know has had a hectic four days back at work, even though there was one less day they were working. I think what makes it worse is that all across America, college kids are back in school, and they probably haven’t even had any real assignments yet. Which means they get to go out and drink to have fun. The rest of us have to drink to kill the pain and make life tolerable. If you were busy debuting your smartphone-watch thing this week, odds are you missed it.
Local fat cat attacked
The entire town of Talkeetna, Alaska is praying that its mayor will have a full recovery after a brutal dog attack this week. The mayor is recovering at the local veterinarian’s office, not because there is no doctor in the town of 900, but because he is a cat named Stubbs. The mayor, who has ruled over the town for 15 years, is reportedly recovering from several injuries, including a punctured lung, fractured sternum and bruised hips. Officials said the attack does not appear to be politically motivated.
The Ravens are back to championship form
In the opening of the 2013 NFL season, the Denver Broncos steamrolled over the Baltimore Ravens, 49-27. Peyton Manning became only the second quarterback in the history of the game to throw seven touchdown passes without throwing an interception. Manning celebrated the murder like retired Raven Ray Lewis. He left the scene quickly, denied that anything happened and covered for his friends.
Stay tuned for ‘Up Late with an Insufferable Douchebag’
It was announced this week that actor Alec Baldwin will host a late-night talk show on MSNBC beginning next month. Up Late W/ Alec Baldwin will reportedly air on Fridays at 10 p.m., so viewers jonesing for a dose of fatheaded old guys who take themselves too seriously will finally have a respite after Jay Leno retires. Or they could just watch David Letterman.