Tag: Alaska

Nevermore

Animals are not human. That is one of the biggest things that separates us from the animals (the biggest: we are able to update our Facebook status).

But in Alaska, the humans are often surrounded by animals, so they form illegal bonds, and start attaching human characteristics to them. That is why this story claims birds are “mourning” the death of some ravens. This simply isn’t true.

Sure, some ravens got zapped on a power line, but that was intentional. We wanted the other birds to swoop in and see what happened. We wanted them to know that we assassinated those birds and the same thing would happen to them, too, unless they stayed the hell away from our children, our homes and our cars.

The McBournie Minute: We deliver for you–at a huge loss

Remember mail? It was like e-mail, but with a much higher risk of paper cuts and a much lower risk of young co-eds wishing to become your friend. Apparently mail is still around, but people aren’t using it as much anymore.

Word just came in that the U.S. Postal Service posted a $3.8 billion loss for the 2009 fiscal year, or as Detroit calls it, Monday. The Postal Service isn’t doing so well, while Federal Express (FedEx) and UPS (UPS) are struggling because private companies just can’t compete with federal agencies, isn’t that right, teabaggers?

OK, so maybe the Postal Service needs some help. They’re planning to stop shipments on Saturdays to save money, but what they really need is some fresh eyes on the problem. Luckily for America, I just happen to be willing to lend my services. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: We deliver for you–at a huge loss

‘Help, I’m a Celebrity: Get Me Out of Alaska!’

And this should conclude our Sarah Palin photoshops.

In the conclusion to the reality show that just won’t get off the air, The Palins, Sarah stepped down from her position as governor of Alaska.

She thanked all the media that gathered around her and had turned her into a celebrity:

“‘So how about in honor of the American soldier, you quit making up things. And don’t underestimate the wisdom of the people [named Sarah Palin].'”

The media, of course, were confused by her reference to American soldiers. Maybe that new Hurt Locker movie? The war in … Iram or whatever?

Palin and her family then stepped into a helicopter that dropped them off at their truck, which was loaded up for their move to Beverly.

Hills, that is.

The ooze is coming, and no one is safe

Bad news, folks. There’s a rather large blob of goo floating around in the Chukchi Sea right now. We don’t know what it is or what it wants. We know it’s big, we know it’s alive and we know that it’s floating with the current. The U.S. Coast Guard has made attempts to establish contact on hailing frequencies, but so far, the goo has not responded.

But, there’s good news: most people don’t know where the Chukchi Sea is, or that there is one on the planet in the first place. So if you don’t know where it is, that is strong evidence that it doesn’t exist, right?

It’s off the coast of Alaska, like way up there. So even if the blob does make landfall, it will have to travel miles and miles and miles before it will be able to attack humans.

You Missed It: Calling it quits edition

You missed You Missed It, and You Missed It missed you, too. I hope all of you American readers out there enjoyed the day off. As for the international readers, well, too bad for you. If you were busy emerging out of Chapter 11 this week, odds are you missed it.

Lt. Gov. Sean Parnell is a hockey mom, too
We were off on Friday, as was the rest of the country. Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin knew it, too. That’s why she made the “gotcha media” show up in her back yard for a rambling announcement that she is stepping down from her post for the last 16 months of her term. Palin will step down at the end of the month to get back to her roots–feeling victimized and retooling her condescension.

Not an Olympic year
Real American Hero Lance Armstrong finished third in the seventh leg of the Tour de France, which is Spanish for “Tour of France on a bicycle.” Armstrong, whose blood is in fact red, white and blue, is chasing his 8th title in the month-long race. Meanwhile, Michael Phelps set a record in the butterfly event, and Honduras just won some international soccer tournament. There, I just saved you hours watching sports you don’t care about.

This was intentionally placed last
Insane Passionate fans bade farewell to the King of Pop in Los Angeles earlier this week. In a massive ceremony, Jackson’s family urged for money, as the spectacle they created cost the bankrupt city $1.4 million. Don’t worry, Joe Jackson will be putting Jacko’s kids on tour in no time. They’ll work if they don’t want to be hit, right, Joe?

Giant robot to fight for America’s freedom, not actually all that giant

A man in America is constructing his own gargantuan piloted robot, no doubt to repel an invasion by nefarious foreign powers with their own mechanized monstrosities. And by foreign power, I totally am talking about Japan.

U.S. Army mechanic Carlos Owens put his skills to good use, developing freedom’s last hope since 2004, starting from a scale model made of wood and later moving up to cold, unfeeling metal. America’s defender is powered by a complex (but freedom-infused) network of hydraulic cables and cylinders, and stands 18 feet tall.

18 feet might not sound like much compared to the nearly 60-foot-tall Gundam at Odaiba, but Owens’ masterpiece possesses several key advantages even at this early stage. That complex (freedom-infused) hydraulic network allows the machine to move its arms and bend its knees, allowing it an unsurpassed degree of agility. So far we only observed the Gundam twisting its head, likely to gaze across the seas at its rival. Advantage: no one, since nothing is complete.

Clearly, the next step would be to place “Neo” before every country’s name, and flee to space. Everything after that will be epic.

Take it from Snee: An open letter to Sarah Palin

Hey, Sarah.

Look, I know we’ve had our differences in the past. You wanted to be vice president, and I wanted an Earth where there’s no country ass-backwards enough to let that happen. Tomato/tobacco, right?

I’m not writing this to discuss the last election. Bygones are bygones … Well, except you’re not bygone, bygod, now are you? In fact, it seems like you want to be President in 2012 if your non-Alaskan activities are to be interpreted correctly.

This would be a huge mistake. You see, I’ve learned some things about you from last year that you appear to have not. Please, let me rectify this oversight in hopes that you might become a peaceful, and maybe better, person. Continue reading Take it from Snee: An open letter to Sarah Palin

Breaking news of the day

A Hispanic woman was nominated to the Supreme Court. California’s court upheld a ban on same-sex marriage.  GM may possibly go out of business this week. North Korea has been shooting off short-range missiles.

None of these headlines compare to the true hot news story: an Alaskan man is now the mustache-iest man in the world.

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

You know how rape isn’t supposed to be funny?

Tell that to Alaskan sex offender, Alec Ahsoak, who won a lottery that funds Standing Together Against Rape in Alaska.

Part of the reason behind the group is that — call them prudes, but — rape is wrong. Also, Alaska sports the highest rape per capita of any population outside of a federal prison.

But did that stop the group’s leader from raping the definition of irony?

“With a ranking that high, it’s ironic that the person who wins is a convicted sex offender,” said Nancy Haag, Executive Director of the group.

Nope, when you have the highest rape rate per person in a state that is that cold, the irony is that a sex offender didn’t win their lottery.

Nothing funny about rape …

Until today!

Fun Fact:
Did you know that Alaska has the highest rape rate of any state in the U.S.? And that’s among a population of about 670,000 people (48% of that is women)!

That fun fact comes to you from this story: Sarah Palin’s town, Wasilla, required rape victims to pay for their own inspection kits.

How could anyone justify charging victims for the physical evidence-collecting kits of their violent sexual attack? Simple, really: “evidence” is just another word for “souvenir.” You know, like those photos on roller coasters.