What’s great about a bar is that you can go out and have a good time drinking with your friends. What’s bad about a bar is that other people exist. Studies have shown that not talking to strangers in a bar decreases your odds of getting in a fight. Unfortunately, it also means you miss when something cool happens.
In Florida, two robbers, one armed with a shotgun, the other carrying a rifle, took money from a bar and walked out, all while patrons in the bar kept drinking. The robbery happened at about 1:30 a.m. last Sunday, which may help explain why so many people didn’t see it happen or just didn’t care. The bar owner said people kept ordering drinks during the robbery.
Despite the fact that it is an awful thing, food nostalgia refuses to go away. Last year we saw Ecto Cooler and Crystal Pepsi returned to stores. This year, 1990s-era malt beverage Zima will be sold again for some reason.
Yes, Zima, the grandfather of Smirnoff Ice, has been brought back by MillerCoors. Luckily, it’s only for a limited time. Zima first came on the market in 1993. It was marketed as a citrusy clear malt beverage answering to the wine cooler craze of its era. According to MillerCoors, production of Zima stopped in 2008, although no one had seen it in the wild for nearly a decade by then.
This sugary, throwback alcoholic drink is sure to be a summer hit with high schoolers who have fake IDs.
It’s summertime, and that means it’s time to sit outside and enjoy a fine beverage. Unfortunately it also means that animals are out trying to ruin our fun.
In a Los Angeles suburb called Arcadia, a liquor store was attacked by a peacock that wandered in. You are no doubt a smart person, since you read this blog, so you are probably wondering why a peacock was roaming free when they’re not a native species. Turns out there is a small population of them that run wild in Arcadia and they are protected, because L.A.
According to reports, the peacock entered the liquor store and immediately went after the store manager. The bird then flapped around for another 90 minutes as an animal control officer tried to catch it with a net. The bird knocked over bottles the whole time, and according to the store, about $500 worth of booze was shattered by the bird.
Because of the damage, many citizens in Arcadia will be forced to go sober. And after all this, the bird wasn’t even arrested.
It gets worse. In the U.S., which we don’t need to tell you is still in a craft beer renaissance, beer volumes are dropping because we’re not drinking as much. Over at Big Beer hegemon Anheuser-Busch Inbev, only Budweiser and Bud Light were able to stop the freefall they’ve been in for years.
The good news is that more Americans appear to be drinking liquor again, especially whiskey.
Citizens of the world, The Guys need your help. The brewers and distillers, heck, maybe even the winemakers, of the world are making booze for us to drink. Those bottles aren’t going to empty themselves. Let’s get to work.
Not to be a buzz kill, but a new report from the World Cancer Research Fund and the American Institute for Cancer Research reinforces a connection between daily drinking and breast cancer. And not in the good way like daily drinking and heart health. More like daily drinking and liver health.
According to research, sipping an impossibly small amount of alcohol a day — like, who only drinks a small glass of wine or only 8 ounces (half a pint) of beer? — corresponded with “a 5% increased breast cancer risk in premenopausal women and 9% increase in postmenopausal women.”
So, for those keeping score at home, the score between drinking and not drinking remains dead even. If that doesn’t call for a drink, we don’t know what does.
It’s something we all learn in driver’s ed: when you get in your car, check your mirrors to make sure there’s no drunk person passed out on your trunk.
In Memphis, a couple had a sinking feeling when they got pulled over on the interstate, but it turned out not to be for a driving infraction. The police officer who pulled them over asked them if they knew that there was a body on top of their trunk. They did not.
They soon discovered that a drunk guy had passed out on their car in a downtown parking lot, and because the couple didn’t notice him there, he laid there, curled up and unconscious, for 14 miles on the interstate.
Police haven’t charged the drunk man, which is good, because there is no way they have a law on the books against having someone else drive you home when you’re drunk.
Journalists are all idiots, just ask your average Fox News viewer. In terms of popularity, journalists often poll lower than lawyers, but still ahead of members of Congress. Now, scientists believe they have figured out why reporters are so dumb.
According to a study, journalists’ brains are inhibited because they drink so much alcohol and caffeine. Neuroscientist Tara Swart found that their brains’ executive functioning skills were lower, which was attributed to dehydration (from alcohol), caffeine, and foods high in sugar. However, their brains were better able to spot patterns that weren’t immediately obvious.
Even the dumbest of journalists will point out that the study has not been peer-reviewed, and had a sample size of just 31. This drunken, jittery reporter is happy to donate his brain to science if there’s another round of tests.
We’ve heard for years the saying that you shouldn’t drink alone, but what if that actually had some scientific backing? Drunken crayfish are here to back it up.
Researchers at the University of Maryland have found that social crayfish get drunker faster than crayfish that drink on their own. They put some crayfish in their own tanks for 10 days to desocialize them, and kept a bunch of other crayfish in the same tank. They found that when pure alcohol was added into the tanks, the social ones acted drunker than the loner crayfish. The findings could mean that there is a link between social interaction and the effects of alcohol.
Or that social crayfish are just playing it up to impress their friends.
In the upcoming war against robots, it’s best to have a few shots of courage in you before going into battle, as one brave California man demonstrated when he decked a security robot. Let’s back up a bit.
Mountain View, California is smack dab in the middle of Silicon Valley, so it shouldn’t be surprising that there are security robots patrolling the streets at night. These aren’t the armed enforcer robots that will one day round us up into prison camps for our own safety. Rather, they’re 300-pound, oval-shaped things that basically patrol around and record movements.
Police say one such robot was walking the beat when a drunken 41-year-old man knocked it over. Rather than spur an anti-robot riot like it should have, the act ended up in prowling and public intoxication charges for the man. The robot was largely unharmed, and is back out there making sure humans stay in line. Always watching, always watching.
Teaching is hard work. Just ask any teacher, they will be happy to tell you about how underappreciated they are, and why they should be making more money. These people really enjoy their lives. And it’s because teaching is so hard that they should be able to drink on the job. But we don’t live in a just world.
Now, the spoilsports will point to the fact that the substitute teacher drank so much that she was throwing up, and had to be removed from class in a wheelchair because she was unable to walk, but we would argue otherwise. What better way to keep the youth of America from drinking than by getting wasted in front of them and puking in class. If teachers aren’t cool, then everything they do isn’t cool, including getting blitzed.