Now your beer can sparkle, contain a message

Tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day, when people do awful things to beer, like dying it green or dropping a shot of whiskey into it. Or both. But this year, there are some new awful things you can do to your brew.

Have you ever ordered a pint, looked at the head and thought, “I wish there was something witty written there?” You’re in luck. Now you can print images and text on the foam of your beer with Beer Ripples. Our suggestion: “I’m Not Usually A Beer Drinker.”

And for those who want to take a sip of a pint and look like they had a lap dance, there’s glitter beer. Some breweries are offering brews with edible glitter in it. The best news here is that when you have the beer s&^ts the next day, you’ll sparkle.

Drunk Americans keeping retail alive, study says

As a society, we should know that drinking and shopping is bad, but we don’t. We really, really don’t.

According to a recent survey, drunk Americans spend $30 billion a year in purchases. That works out to about $447.57 per drunky. That’s a lot of purchases to make in a year, under the influence or not.

So what are the smashed shoppers spending their money on? About half of the purchases are for food. The next most common purchases were on shoes, clothes and gambling. So basically, we buy stuff to sop up the booze we just drank, and then ladies go for shoes and clothes. No one gambles sober, so that’s just a wash.

So the next time you have a drink, ask yourself if you’re doing your part for the economy.

Study suggests we’re evolving to hate booze

Science is here again to tell us about the awful future. Hold on for this one, because it’s about a world without booze.

According to a recent study, humans may be evolving to have an aversion to alcohol. Researchers analyzed the genomes of 2,500 people from four different continents, and what they found will have you reaching for a bottle: a significant amount of people have gene variants that basically give them really bad hangovers. This condition is so bad that those who have these gene variants likely don’t drink much, if at all. If this gene variant spreads widely enough across the human population, we could one day turn into a race of teetotalers.

Wasn’t the next stage in human evolution supposed to give us laser eyes and telepathy?

Science: Booze is good for your brain

Large amounts of alcohol are known to have an ill effect on the brain (aside from headaches), but new research suggests that lower amounts can actually improve your brain function. That’s right, booze not only makes you feel smarter, it might actually make you smarter, too.

Researchers have found that lower amounts of alcohol, we’re talking a drink or two tops, can help improve the function of the glymphatic system, which helps clear waste from the body. Mice that were given small amounts of booze showed had less inflamed glial cells in the brain than mice that weren’t given a drop. Meaning, the alcohol actually helped the mice clean their brains faster than if they’d just stayed sober.

So if your brain could use a good cleaning, maybe relax with a couple drinks and let the booze do the work.

Take it from Snee: Keep calm and drink

"According to your answers, you drank lllllllllllllllllllllllllllll rumrunners last night."
“According to your answers, you drank lllllllllllllllllllllllllllll rumrunners last night.”

Something is amiss in the United Kingdom. University College London researchers tried to reconcile alcohol sales with the amounts people claimed to drink in surveys, but the numbers just don’t match up. Nearly half of all booze sold in the U.K. is unaccounted for.

So, where did it go? A lesser writer might just chalk this up to people under-reporting what they drink, what business is it of yours, jack? And it makes some sense — anyone who’s ever been asked by a professor how much they’ve had to drink is more likely to low-ball that figure.

But, that still wouldn’t add up to twice as much booze sold as drunk. What the hell is going on in Merry Olde England? Let’s just say I have a few ideas … Continue reading Take it from Snee: Keep calm and drink

Stop boring your kids

They both died from an overdose back in season six.
They both died from an overdose back in season six.

Parents who tell their kids cautionary tales about their previous drug, tobacco and alcohol use may be counter-intuitively driving those kids to the (prescription) bottle. That’s according to a new study that found that “the more often the parents talked about regret over their own use, the bad things that happened, and that they’d never use it again, the students were more likely to report pro-substance-use beliefs.”

The researchers didn’t find a direct link between boring your kids with tales of your youth and their need for a drink afterwards, just an interesting correlation. However, the Guys feel it is safe to say that you should never try to relate to a teenager. They may look human, but that’s just what they want you to think.

In the war for a buzz, an important battle has been won

Affordable health care? Improving public education? Bah, those are unimportant things we’ll get around to fixing. But threaten to lower the alcohol content in Maker’s Mark, and America will fight you.

Last week, Maker’s Mark, makers of Maker’s Mark bourbon, said it would be temporarily diluting its product from 90 to 84 proof in order to keep up with soaring demand. That’s when the people fought back.

Even though the dilution was promised not to affect the taste, drinkers took to the internet, demanding their hootch stay at the same level. On Sunday, Maker’s Mark announced that they scuttled plans to dilute any more bottles.

Let’s stagger on to Jack Daniel’s, citizens!

Diet drinks: more evil than previously thought

There's such a thing as too much dieting ... or too drunk.
There’s such a thing as too much dieting … or being too drunk.

We already knew that diet drinks — especially diet fruit punch — are depressing. (Or that depressing people drink them.) But, now we’ve discovered that diet drinks are also trying to get you drunk.

A recent study found that using diet drinks as a mixer gave drinkers a higher BAC than those drinking the same amount with regular mixers. The key is calories, which help absorb alcohol and slow down its release into the bloodstream. Diet drinks, however, have reduced or no calories, which means the alcohol is on an expressway to Karaoke Town (population: you and Randy Newman songs).

What concerned researchers is that women are more likely to order diet mixed drinks. We should have known: diet drinks are trying to get your girlfriend drunk.

Packing on the rounds

“And I’m sleepy because of tryptophan, not because I’m drunk. Assh%le.”

As we gear up for extended visits with family, part of those preparations is to stock the fridge or cooler with the sweet, cool nectar of the gods: booze. Of course, alcohol certainly didn’t stop history’s most dysfunctional family, the gods of ancient Greece and Rome, from fighting over turkey legs. And it definitely won’t help you keep off those excess holiday pounds, no matter how much you throw up later.

A recent study shows that the average American consumes about 100 calories of alcohol daily. 20 percent of men and 16 percent of women, however, drink more than 300 calories’ worth a day, proving they’re — in every sense — not lightweights.

So, if you’re trying to cut soda out of your diet with booze this week, you’ll need to cut back on stuffing, too, because a 12-ounce can of Coke has nearly the same amount of calories as the equivalent beer or a 5-ounce glass of wine. Or, you could drink so much that you don’t want to eat at all.

Baby Merlot now serving Toddler Wine

Frequent readers already know that The Guys are entrepreneurs. We entered the booze business recently by selling Baby Merlot, a brand of wine that trains future drinkers in the womb so that they’ll be more advanced than their wine cooler-sipping peers in Kindergarten.

We’re no proud to introduce phase two: Toddler Wine. Toddler Wine is available in white, red or blush and is served in mommy’s glass. This will help mommy share sips of her wine with her toddler, fostering shared interests, all while keeping Junior in training for the big league drinks in high school. Basically, if Baby Merlot is our Childhood Development program’s Baby Mozart, then Toddler Wine is our Sesame Street.

But what about after the toddler years? The Guys are busy in our lab, trying on each other’s coats. And also working out the kinks in our beer and liquor programs.