Never get in a drinking contest with a fruit fly

Everyone knows that war can tear a man’s soul apart, sending him running for the bottle. But what about animals?

Todd Schlenke, an Emory University biologist, and his team of researchers discovered that at least one species of fruit fly self-medicates with booze. Drosophila melanogaster has been fighting its own war with tiny parasitic wasps for so long that it will intentionally seek out fermenting rotten fruit whenever one believes it’s been infected.

In most cases, it works. Feeding on alcohol that’s often stronger per volume than beer induces fetal alcohol syndrome in their parasitic wasp larvae, causing the little bundles of terror to shoot their internal organs out of their anuses. Talk about rot-gut, knowwhatwemean? In fact, fly schnapps is so strong that even adult wasps “laid 60 percent fewer eggs, possibly because of the fumes wafting from the food.”

But, that was one species of wasp. Another, Leptopilina boulardi, is capable of drinking toe-to-toe with D. melanogaster. And they lose only 10 percent of their eggs to fly booze. This leads us to only one conclusion: if evolution is an actual thing, then it is creating the mother of all drunken bar fights over child custody.

Cookie doughs and don’ts

We have some further bad news for you, people who just went through a break-up: it’s just not safe to eat raw cookie dough.

We know. You always thought  it was safe to eat because eggs are pasteurized, but what about the flour? You didn’t consider the flour, did you? You never do, and that’s how we got into this crazy, mixed-up place.

It turns out that, this whole time? A lot of flour contains E. coli, which is fine, so long as you cook it. If you can’t be bothered to preheat an oven and operate a spatula 10-20 minutes later, then you become a statistic. At the very least, you can buy cookie dough ice cream, which is treated for raw consumption/putting on those healing pounds.

On the other hand, there is good news: booze gets you unsafe sex. So, put down that tube and tape on a couple of 40s. Your future kids will thank you.

The Octoberfest Report

And now a recap from the world’s second greatest drinking event of the year (right behind the day after Christmas): Octoberfest.

The main event, Munich, was the true success story this year. The 6.9 million visitors set a new record, consuming 7.5 million liters (1.65 million gallons) of beer, or one Shamu tank. That only works out to over 1 liter (or less than a quarter gallon) per person, but some of them were probably children who are famous for getting very drunk on very little.

But even more surprising is that, despite drinking more, there were only 58 recorded brawls in which fighters wielded their giant beer steins as weapons. Looks like their priorities — and hearts — were in the right place.

This year was also the first wet Octoberfest for the small Alabama town of Cullman. Located an hour from Huntsville, the city has anually celebrated Octoberfest since 1977 even though they had never repealed their Prohibition era laws against alcohol. Until this year. We don’t have any numbers from their event, but we can only assume they also had fewer fights with the addition of any alcohol.

That’s just math, people.

Russians drink beer and piss all over it

Russians faced a conundrum that only President Dmitry Medvedev could resolve. Russian law stated that anything with less than 10% alcohol was merely foodstuff, but even then only barely if you didn’t wrestle it yourself.

But then they started importing beer. They served it all hours of the day. They sold it to minors. They marketed as a healthy alternative to vodka and other spirits, just like we’ve been telling you for years. (Except liquor is good for, like, body builders and s@%t.)

So, Medvedev signed a law that officially classifies beer as alcohol with all the rules and taxes that implies.

Oh my god. It was the perfect world. All this time, it was … You finally really did it.

Excuse me, doctor, have you been drinking?

Surgeons are among the few people in this world who have a bona fide reason to drink, as if you really need one. They see people’s insides day-in and day-out. Plus, they probably have people making cracks about Grey’s Anatomy every time they tell someone what they do for a living. What’s more is that unlike most of us, the actually have the money to go out and get absolutely plastered every night.

The thing is, they really shouldn’t do that, according to a new study. Apparently, surgeons who drank the night before are more likely to make mistakes during surgery the next day, even though they don’t have a drop of booze in their systems at that point.

Of course, then there’s the whole muscle memory aspect. Like how you suck at beer pong when you’re sober, but once you have a few in you, your skills return. Doctors could easily learn out to cut drunk, then they could do it fine every time.

Ask Dr. Snee: Who wants to live forever?

OK, so nobody asked, but goddammit, you guys, I’m getting pretty damn nervous over here. It appears that you sons of bitches have decided not to die anymore, which puts me in one tight pickle–mostly with my bookie, Eduardo.

Look, you like this semi-regular Dr. Snee feature, right? You’d hate for it to disappear and potentially reappear under a different name in South America, correct? Then you better start living like you’re dying, because I’ve got everything to lose.

Here’s the game plan …. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Who wants to live forever?

The smarter they are, the harder they drink

The winner of today’s Infographic of the Day (if such a category existed on this site) is an ego boost for The Guys. It’s a pathetic ego boost, as most ego boosts are wont to be, but we’ll take what we can get.

According to Psychology Today, children ranging from “bright” to “sparkly” “very bright” are much more likely than their “normal” and duller peers to drink as adults.

Atlantic columnist, Andrew Sullivan cites Oakeshott, saying that intelligent people use alcohol to shut their brains down for a few lapdances.

It’s a nice theory, but it seems more likely that smart people drink because they can’t otherwise figure out how to live in a world where Kardashian Kredit Kards almost existed.

(Via Lindsey Johnson and Frank Kelly Rich)

Choosy constitutional scholars choose Four Loko battle

Remember how we warned you about Denmark’s sole Latino street gang, Four Loko, and their dangerous “stay up and puke juice?” It looks like you won’t be tempted by their wiley malt liquor wishes and cat food dreams after all.

The FDA has issued a warning to four companies, including the makers of Four Loko, giving them two weeks to remove either the caffeine or their stupid cans from our most extravagant convenience stores.

Some people are complaining that the FDA is turning this country into one giant nanny state. None of them, however, will admit to actually drinking the stuff.

Texting: the new, new gateway

Parents, if you thought your work was over: think again.

We’ve locked down every gateway to teenage sex and drinking, whether that gateway was pot, rock and roll, Satanism, thong underwear, birth control, spanking, video games, prime time television, gay teachers, violent cartoons, Sudafed, aerosol cans, presidential “bee-jays,” cleavage on Sesame Street, soccer games with clear-cut winners, candy cigarettes, red ink, trans fats, method acting, driving with passengers, Catholicism, scrambled pornography, comic books, music videos, the rap music, Bratz dolls, Woodrow Wilson, The Catcher in the Rye and that hairy bush from High School Musical.

We found a new one for you to go after: texting.

Get panicking! Their next text could be the text that makes you a horrible mom or dad.