Tag: alcoholism

To long life!

If you ever pulled a muscle from excessive birthday toasting, then it will come as no surprise to you that drinkers outlive non-drinkers.

Why? Nobody knows. The raw data just indicates that teetotalers tend to die sooner than heavy drinkers, while moderate drinkers will inherit the best seats in the bar when they’re both gone.

Our personal theory? Drunken stasis.

Just like in the movie Alien, drunkards enter a deliberate low-metabolic state–or black-out. When one emerges from the blackout, they find themselves several hours, days or even years into future, though the trip passed in an instant for them.

The world of the future is frightening, bright and loud. It may take several hours to recover from their time jump, know as a hangover. That time is best spent rehydrating with Gatorade and learning what history you missed while out.

The only danger is of staying in stasis too long and awaking in a world populated by damn dirty apes! And no more Jameson’s.

Take it from Snee: The real ‘Harry Potter’ threat

All of your friends are probably doing it, too.Ever since adults picked up literacy from their kids, the world has been divided into two types of people:

  1. Those who read Harry Potter and tragically admit to it
  2. Those who read Harry Potter and hide it behind protesting too much

Let me clarify. There’s nothing wrong with reading Harry Potter and watching the movies and maybe even dressing up every once in a while (if you’re hot). Though the wheel may be squeaky, the real problem isn’t adults.

It’s not even witchcraft, morally-ambiguous elf slavery or alcoholism. Continue reading Take it from Snee: The real ‘Harry Potter’ threat

Take it from Snee: Justice has a new s##tface

So, it turns out that there are costumed heroes roving the streets of Cincinnati. (Seriously, watch the video.)

Yeah, I was surprised, too. I thought Cincinnati burned down shortly after WKRP was canceled. But, no: Shadowhare, your friendly neighborhood guy-who’s-obsessed-with-Donnie-Darko-and-Watchmen, patrols the streets with his band of presumably twenty-something-year-old friends, talking to homeless people, annoying (yet, entertaining) cops and even communicating with other likeminded individuals online.

The first thing that came to mind was, “Where did I go after The Guys’ last get-together: The Absinthe-Minded Professors.” (We watched both versions while drinking absinthe and, after running out, then concocted our own “flubber.”)

No, I’m not Nightbunny. But The Guys fit the profile so much that perhaps we should fight crime, fueled by liquid courage. But, what would we look like? Continue reading Take it from Snee: Justice has a new s##tface

Take it from Snee: Street, street justice!

As a driver, I happen to know that I am the very best driver there is.

Don’t pretend it isn’t true. Fess up. You’ve got tickets. There was that little fender-bender a few years ago. And that was somebody’s grandmother you just flipped off.

I, however, have no such issues. My relatively few tickets and whoopsies (“accidents” are so formal) weren’t due to driver incompetence; they were because of booze. And we all know that alcoholism is a disease. You wouldn’t blame someone’s tumor for groping you in the elevator, right? Right.

But maintaining my flawless (sober) record is wearing my nerves out. I’ve raised the bar very slowly the past 10 years, dispelling the naysayers with commute after commute of form-perfect driving, but you other drivers refuse to follow my example.

Well, no more Mr. Nice Guy! You’ve caught me in between my annual Labor Day Weekend Mad Max Trilogy Parties*, so I’m itching for street justice! I won’t be sated until red lights are obeyed, blood is on the street or AMC runs those movies very, very soon.

Here’s how it’s gonna go down: Continue reading Take it from Snee: Street, street justice!