For sale: Ariz. ranch, slight issue with alien abductions

Here’s a hot real estate tip for you: If you’re looking to buy a ranch, there’s one up for sale in Arizona. The only real issue is that you have to deal with aliens.

UFO propagandist John Edmonds says he’s had enough of extra terrestrials coming to his ranch and attacking him. On his Facebook page, he says it’s happened 19 times so far. The aliens show up at his ranch, and he gets into hand-to-hand combat with them, eventually scaring them off. One more time there: aliens have mastered interplanetary travel, but don’t have an answer to hand-held weapons, and get scared off every time.

In the most recent incident, they tried to kidnap his wife. But he saved her by fighting a group of them with a ninja sword, killing one of them. The aliens retreated with their fallen comrade’s body, so there’s no real evidence, of course.

So if you’re cool with living at a place once owned by a guy trying to make himself famous by lying about aliens, we have a great deal for you.

Guy says aliens got him drunk, sent him back in time

It’s always been the favorite argument of time travel skeptics: If time travel is possible, why haven’t we seen any time travelers? That excuse just got blown to bits.

In Casper, Wyoming, police were called to a residence on Monday and found a man who said he was from the future. Also, he was visibly drunk. Authorities say Bryant Johnson claimed to be from the year 2048, and he had traveled back in time with an urgent message: aliens are going to invade next year, so prepare.

The future is weird. Johnson said aliens sent him back in time by filling him up with booze and having him stand on a pad. The aliens must have been drunk, too, because Johnson said he was supposed travel back to 2018, not 2017.

It’s been 48 hours, so there’s a good chance Johnson has that alien future booze out of his system. We’ll see if he has any other warnings for us in the days ahead.

You Missed It: Alien invasion edition

Hey guys, how’s it going? Hopefully your house is still standing, and wasn’t flooded, blown to smithereens, or burned. We’re really checking all the boxes for natural disasters this month. This weekly feature has been missing largely because I’ve had family stuff to attend to. But here we all are. Let’s get reacquainted. If you were busy ending your marriage with Fergie this week, odds are you missed it.

Is this not a test?
TV viewers in California were shocked when emergency alerts flashed on their screens with incoherent messages. One message was a panicked voice talking about the government working with extraterrestrials, and the other proclaimed that violent times were ahead. It turned out that both were recordings of crazy people calling in to radio shows years earlier. Man, I hate sweeps week gimmicks.

From Russia with likes
This week, it was uncovered that Russian-funded ads on Facebook spreading pro-Trump propaganda and even organized Trump rallies while appearing to be grassroots movements. President Donald Trump responded in his typical, even-keeled way, saying that the Facebook ad controversy was fake news. So the news about the fake news on the site plagued continually by fake news is fake news. Get it straight.

The gateway spice
Experts say that pumpkin spice can really be addictive. They say while the flavors can trigger feelings of holidays and family, if you consume them enough, your body will soon crave it. Researchers warn the demographic most at risk to get hooked on pumpkin spice are “basic bitches.”

Alien found riding shotgun during traffic stop

When a police officer pulls someone over, there’s no telling what is going to happen next. The more experienced officers out there will tell you they have seen everything. One officer was proven wrong.

In Georgia, a man was pulled over for speeding, and when he approached the car, he could tell something was very wrong. Riding shotgun was a strange being with a large head, pale skin, huge black eyes and long skinny limbs — an extraterrestrial. The alien, which media accounts claim was a mannequin, sat still, staring straight ahead, and did not answer any questions. Authorities have refused to release any information about where the alien was being taken and why the driver was in such a hurry.

Of course, the driver and the alien were let go because they were both white.

When life gives Earth Nazis, pray for intelligence elsewhere

It’s easier to argue for keeping your empire and other countries’ antiquities if aliens built their stuff.

Noted booze-hound, insult comic and occasional Prime Minister of the U.K., Winston Churchill believed that life — including intelligent life — existing elsewhere in the universe is possible. He wrote an 11-page an essay in 1939 on the possibility, presumably because if Nazis are pushing the idea of racial superiority around un-punched, then, dammit, there has to be a species somewhere that’s smarter than us.

Timothy Riley, director of the National Churchill Museum in Fulton, Missouri, discovered the essay — titled Are We Alone in the Universe? — sitting in archives last year and passed it on to Israeli astrophysicist and author Mario Livio. Dr. Livio cannot publish the essay in full yet because of pending copyright issues to resolve, but we hope that it includes classic Churchill language.

For instance, should aliens also require Churchill’s famous “blood, toil, tears and sweat” for being interplanetary douchebags:

We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in space, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.

Or, if they just get a little lippy: “Klaatu, my dear, you are ugly, and, what’s more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober, and you will still be disgustingly ugly.”

NASA may reissue classic album

Vinyl is the most coveted audio media today. Old people like their records for nostalgia reasons, and hipsters like them because they like acting like things that suck are actually somehow better than what we moved on to. And NASA is cashing in on the trend, if a Kickstarter campaign works out.

Back in the 70s, NASA collaborated with Carl Sagan to create an album like no other. It bares some resemblance to the modern day mix tapes (that aren’t actual tapes). It features a collection of greetings in different languages, sounds of animals, different types of music — pretty out-there stuff for the age of disco. And because NASA is the pimp agency of the federal government, the album was made on gold discs. The album was then launched into space on Voyagers 1 and 2, in hopes that aliens will one day enjoy NASA’s fresh beats. But it was never released here on Earth, not even Sagan could get a copy of the record.

But now, it’s going to be reissued–on vinyl, not gold–for the public to hear. If the Kickstarter campaign meets its funding goal, The Gold Album by NASA feat. Carl “C. Saggy” Sagan, will be reissued and heard by the ears of Earthlings everywhere.

Clinton gains crucial tinfoil hat vote

If she thinks this will happen, why does she want to be elected?
If she thinks this will happen, why does she want to be elected?

Hillary Clinton has scored her share of key endorsements during the campaign, but she may have just gotten her biggest get yet. The only thing is these guys may be abducted at any time.

Alien conspiracy theorists say Clinton is the candidate for them. She has said all the right things when it comes to alien hunters. She’s calling UFOs “unexplained aerial phenomena,” and pledged to look into alien conspiracy theories if elected. She’s treating these people more seriously than the Obama administration, which isn’t hard. These truth seekers have been the butt of presidential jokes for decades.

This is a huge win for the Clinton camp, because this is America, and conspiracy theorists are the most coveted votes around. Until now, the Trump campaign had received all the conspiracy folks, namely, the birthers, the militia dudes and white people who feel they are oppressed.

Vegans will make aliens invade, Eisenhower’s great-granddaughter says

If you know anyone only eats vegan, for the sake of the Earth, get them to stop now.

Laura Magdalene Eisenhower, the great-granddaughter of former President Dwight D. Eisenhower, is here to tell you that vegan diets could attract what she calls “sky beings.” She said these “sky beings” come in the form of UFOs, aliens or multi-dimensional beings. Do you hear that, hippies? You’re going to bring the wrath of beings that exist in several dimensions. By Eisenhower’s reasoning, meat is dense, so eating meat makes you dense, while eating fruits and vegetables make you lighter, which can bring you into contact with “sky beings.”

And she knows what she’s talking about, Eisenhower is a clairvoyant and spiritual healer. When have they ever been wrong?

Foolish aliens start war with Vietnam

Vietnam saw its share of bombs during the 20th century. We’re not well-versed on our post-unification Vietnamese history, but we don’t believe there have been many bombs since then. All that has changed.

Officials with the country’s Defense Department say three mysterious spheres were dropped in northern provinces. The spheres are all different sizes, and landed in different locations, but they are all said to have come from space.

This, of course, is one of the “most famous” of classic blunders, and the aliens just fell for it.

Pa. town wants man to take down his anti-alien lights

There is a secret war being waged every day. We don’t hear about it much because it’s fought in the shadows of night, and the government doesn’t want us to know about it. One Pennsylvania man isn’t about to let War on Aliens get swept under the rug.

Arthur Brown, 78, put up bright spotlights all over the exterior of his house to keep aliens away. His neighbors have complained, and the town has fined him, most likely because they are become aliens, too. One of his neighbors is upset because it’s been going on for more than a decade, and she can’t sell her house because of it. Now, the town is asking Brown to limit the amount of time the spotlights run.

But what they don’t understand is that those lights are working. Zero aliens have shown up since Brown put the lights up. He should be counted a hero.