When a police officer pulls someone over, there’s no telling what is going to happen next. The more experienced officers out there will tell you they have seen everything. One officer was proven wrong.
In Georgia, a man was pulled over for speeding, and when he approached the car, he could tell something was very wrong. Riding shotgun was a strange being with a large head, pale skin, huge black eyes and long skinny limbs — an extraterrestrial. The alien, which media accounts claim was a mannequin, sat still, staring straight ahead, and did not answer any questions. Authorities have refused to release any information about where the alien was being taken and why the driver was in such a hurry.
Of course, the driver and the alien were let go because they were both white.
Noted booze-hound, insult comic and occasional Prime Minister of the U.K., Winston Churchill believed that life — including intelligent life — existing elsewhere in the universe is possible. He wrote an 11-page an essay in 1939 on the possibility, presumably because if Nazis are pushing the idea of racial superiority around un-punched, then, dammit, there has to be a species somewhere that’s smarter than us.
Timothy Riley, director of the National Churchill Museum in Fulton, Missouri, discovered the essay — titled Are We Alone in the Universe? — sitting in archives last year and passed it on to Israeli astrophysicist and author Mario Livio. Dr. Livio cannot publish the essay in full yet because of pending copyright issues to resolve, but we hope that it includes classic Churchill language.
For instance, should aliens also require Churchill’s famous “blood, toil, tears and sweat” for being interplanetary douchebags:
We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in space, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.
Or, if they just get a little lippy: “Klaatu, my dear, you are ugly, and, what’s more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober, and you will still be disgustingly ugly.”
Vinyl is the most coveted audio media today. Old people like their records for nostalgia reasons, and hipsters like them because they like acting like things that suck are actually somehow better than what we moved on to. And NASA is cashing in on the trend, if a Kickstarter campaign works out.
Back in the 70s, NASA collaborated with Carl Sagan to create an album like no other. It bares some resemblance to the modern day mix tapes (that aren’t actual tapes). It features a collection of greetings in different languages, sounds of animals, different types of music — pretty out-there stuff for the age of disco. And because NASA is the pimp agency of the federal government, the album was made on gold discs. The album was then launched into space on Voyagers 1 and 2, in hopes that aliens will one day enjoy NASA’s fresh beats. But it was never released here on Earth, not even Sagan could get a copy of the record.
But now, it’s going to be reissued–on vinyl, not gold–for the public to hear. If the Kickstarter campaign meets its funding goal, The Gold Album by NASA feat. Carl “C. Saggy” Sagan, will be reissued and heard by the ears of Earthlings everywhere.
Hillary Clinton has scored her share of key endorsements during the campaign, but she may have just gotten her biggest get yet. The only thing is these guys may be abducted at any time.
Alien conspiracy theorists say Clinton is the candidate for them. She has said all the right things when it comes to alien hunters. She’s calling UFOs “unexplained aerial phenomena,” and pledged to look into alien conspiracy theories if elected. She’s treating these people more seriously than the Obama administration, which isn’t hard. These truth seekers have been the butt of presidential jokes for decades.
This is a huge win for the Clinton camp, because this is America, and conspiracy theorists are the most coveted votes around. Until now, the Trump campaign had received all the conspiracy folks, namely, the birthers, the militia dudes and white people who feel they are oppressed.
If you know anyone only eats vegan, for the sake of the Earth, get them to stop now.
Laura Magdalene Eisenhower, the great-granddaughter of former President Dwight D. Eisenhower, is here to tell you that vegan diets could attract what she calls “sky beings.” She said these “sky beings” come in the form of UFOs, aliens or multi-dimensional beings. Do you hear that, hippies? You’re going to bring the wrath of beings that exist in several dimensions. By Eisenhower’s reasoning, meat is dense, so eating meat makes you dense, while eating fruits and vegetables make you lighter, which can bring you into contact with “sky beings.”
And she knows what she’s talking about, Eisenhower is a clairvoyant and spiritual healer. When have they ever been wrong?
Vietnam saw its share of bombs during the 20th century. We’re not well-versed on our post-unification Vietnamese history, but we don’t believe there have been many bombs since then. All that has changed.
There is a secret war being waged every day. We don’t hear about it much because it’s fought in the shadows of night, and the government doesn’t want us to know about it. One Pennsylvania man isn’t about to let War on Aliens get swept under the rug.
Arthur Brown, 78, put up bright spotlights all over the exterior of his house to keep aliens away. His neighbors have complained, and the town has fined him, most likely because they are become aliens, too. One of his neighbors is upset because it’s been going on for more than a decade, and she can’t sell her house because of it. Now, the town is asking Brown to limit the amount of time the spotlights run.
But what they don’t understand is that those lights are working. Zero aliens have shown up since Brown put the lights up. He should be counted a hero.
California is suffering a serious drought and forest fires all throughout its territory, or as they call it out there, “summer.” Today, it doesn’t seem outside the realm of possibility that at least one of those fires was set by an alien race. The SETI Institute had to shut down its Allen Telescope Array for a matter of hours because a wildfire was sweeping ever closer. In case you’re wondering, yes, SETI is that weird group that listens for communications from outer space.
Did aliens accidentally send us a nude photo and then cover it up by forcing us to turn off our equipment when the signal reached us? If you watch the History Channel on Friday nights, you know that sounds completely plausible and believe there’s enough evidence to draw such a conclusion.
“I want to believe” is a rally cry for all UFO nuts, but what if aliens want to believe in God? Pope Francis said he’d totally baptize those aliens.
During Mass on Monday morning, the pope asked, “If, for example, an expedition of Martians arrived tomorrow, what would happen?” He then said if the little green men were moved by the Holy Spirit to be baptized in Jesus’ name, he would do it.
When the Lord shows us the way, who are we to say, ‘No, Lord, it is not prudent! No, let’s do it this way.’ Who are we to close doors?
Indeed, who are we to lower the blast shields or close the pod bay doors?