Time to bust some puffs

Late last week, some mysterious crop circles appeared in Japan. And by Japan, I mean underwater crop circles off the coast of Japan. WoooOOOOOooOOOOoooOOOOooo. Does this mean that deep in the dark waters, aliens visited and made elaborate patterns as signals for target strike zones? Were they created by some Lovecraftian monstrosity?

Nope. Turns out it was just a male pufferfish.

A Japanese television film crew discovered that a single, solitary pufferfish created the entire design. All in the hopes of getting laid. Presumably. You see, our scientists tell us that reason, but how do we know that it’s not actually a signal from the pufferfish to their animal brethren to commit a horrible atrocity? We just can’t trust them. The safest and most reasonable course of action is to eliminate those beasts and with haste.

The proof is phallic

A nerd at NASA thinks that he’s found evidence of aliens. Me, I think he’s found a picture of a dong.

Richard Hoover discovered fossils of bacteria in an extremely rare kind of meteorite. If you’re going to find an alien, I suppose those are the best conditions-super specific rare. After breaking apart the extremely rare meteorite, Hoover looked at the fragments with a scanning-electron microscope. What did he find? Micro-organisms, and kids, there’s picture evidence.

Oh, how there is picture evidence.

Look at the picture! It looks like a wang. A long, slithery wang. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it is an alien. If it is an alien, given that shape, well, to be honest, we’re boned.

It’s like they couldn’t cover their ears

By now, we’re sure that all of you have heard the news regarding birds falling out of the sky like a wet dream from Hitchcock. Some have suggested that it was lightning at hand. Some have directed their speculation towards a loud and potentially traumatic event, such as fireworks. A few have even suggested a biological weapon or experiment being tested on a hapless group of avian warriors.

But no one suggests the UFO? Nobody? Really? Does nobody want to shake the tentacle of that fine alien?

UN wants you for Space Ambassador

At least, if you’re qualified, that is.

Yes, you’re reading that right. This is not a satirical website’s attempt at humor (or at least, some other satirical website’s attempt at humor), nor is it an April Fool’s-esque headline: this is the real deal.

The United Nations has appointed Malaysia’s first astrophysicist to be their ambassador to space. No one knows at the moment whether this will be a strike for our on-going war on aliens (established in June of 1947, maybe July) or blow against a much needed wartime effort, as the UN is often wont to do.

There’s something out there

And it’s clearly doing our job for us. Which is wonderful!

Cows are being mutilated in Alamosa, Colorado, and no one knows why. No one but Mike Duran, that is.

“I believe there are aliens. People may laugh at me for thinking that,” Duran said. “(The aliens) do what they have to, and then they bring (the cows) back and they drop them back in the field. And that’s why there are no tracks.”

Well, you know what? As long as it’s not a bladed appendage, I want to shake the hand of whoever is doing the slaughtering. Summer is just upon us and the weather has just been pristine. As such, it’s that time of the year for grilling, which puts a big smile on me. And if anyone (or anything) wants to do some favors for the local butchers and meat departments around here and do a little preliminary chopping of beef, well, that’s just perfectly fine with me.

You Missed It: Secret of the ooze edition

I’m back, I know both of you missed me. What did I miss while I was gone? Apparently, a fair amount. I would like to thank Chugs “Chris” Taylor not only for handling YMI in my absence, but for actively encouraging the ruination of my trip. He is the Glenn Beck of vacations. Anyway, if you were busy trying to keep brown people out of your state, odds are you missed it.

Where’s Bruce Willis from ‘Armageddon’ when you need him?
Oil drilling is dangerous, and like evil, man. You remember the eco-stoners in college, right? Now they have more fodder to preach. An oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico is beginning to wash ashore in Louisiana, with no end for at least a month. Pop the popcorn, then sit back and enjoy as the first images of bird covered in oil. That’s how we tar and feather our enemies in America, baby!

Don’t say we didn’t warn you
We’ve been telling you for years now that aliens are bad, and it looks like Stephen Hawking is joining our ranks. He said recently that mankind shouldn’t be so excited to rush off and find life on other planets, because there’s good chance that they are more advanced than us and will enslave us as soon as they realize we exist. After that, Hawking theorized, it will take Space Abraham Lincoln to save us.

Reminder: Your .45 is not a utensil
The Tennessee senate passed a bill this week that would require restaurants to put up signs reminding patrons that guns are not allowed. However, guns are allowed in bars. Can someone go let Plaxico Burress know about this when he gets out of jail?

There is nothing about this story that I don’t like

The headline? Love it.

The byline? Love it.

The credible source? Love it.

The source of the story? Love it.

Why do I love it? Because, according to the story, UFO experts tell us that aliens are attacking our sheep. I’d repeat that sentence, but, well, sometimes the proof is just in the pudding.

Don’t look now, but there’s an alien behind you

If you’ve ever wondered exactly how far Jordan is behind the United States in the joke department, the answer is 72 years, 6 months and 30 days.

Jordanian officials nearly evacuated the town of Jafr after their newspaper, Al Ghad, printed on the cover of their April Fools issue that aliens had landed in the town. Once they “arrived,” the aliens reportedly went crazy, Yosemite Sam-style.

Wait, the mayor didn’t even know about an alien invasion in his own town until the newspaper reported it, presumably the next day? What, was he hiking the Appalachian or something?

‘V’ actually stands for ‘Vatican’

The Catholic Church is looking into the possibility of life on other planets and how it could impact their understanding of God.

Pope Benedict XVI must have just read Chariots of Fire or something, because this isn’t really a new concept. While very little about aliens is mentioned in the Bible, this could help explain some of the more supernatural happenings. Perhaps instead of looking for angels, we should be looking for evidence of Biblical alien abductions.

As for the probings, well you can just investigate that one on your own.