Don’t look now, but there’s an alien behind you

If you’ve ever wondered exactly how far Jordan is behind the United States in the joke department, the answer is 72 years, 6 months and 30 days.

Jordanian officials nearly evacuated the town of Jafr after their newspaper, Al Ghad, printed on the cover of their April Fools issue that aliens had landed in the town. Once they “arrived,” the aliens reportedly went crazy, Yosemite Sam-style.

Wait, the mayor didn’t even know about an alien invasion in his own town until the newspaper reported it, presumably the next day? What, was he hiking the Appalachian or something?

‘V’ actually stands for ‘Vatican’

The Catholic Church is looking into the possibility of life on other planets and how it could impact their understanding of God.

Pope Benedict XVI must have just read Chariots of Fire or something, because this isn’t really a new concept. While very little about aliens is mentioned in the Bible, this could help explain some of the more supernatural happenings. Perhaps instead of looking for angels, we should be looking for evidence of Biblical alien abductions.

As for the probings, well you can just investigate that one on your own.

That movie about the hockey team was fake, too

Believe it or not, movies aren’t real. Even the ones that claim to be documentaries can be based on staged events or presented in an unfair light (sorry, Michael Moore fans). But what about a scary movie that claims to be a bit more real than the average movie?

We’re not talking about Paranormal Activity, we’re talking about The Fourth Kind, which is supposedly about a series of alien abductions in Nome, Alaska that happened in in 2004. This all makes sense, except that the FBI figured out the disappearances were the result of cold weather and alcohol, which generally don’t get along after a certain point.

Oh, and there’s the hypnosis, you know, like the kind you saw at the fair when the guy made his subjects think it was really cold and made them huddle together.

So for any of you still wondering out there, no alien abductions are not real. (At least that’s what we’re being told to tell you.)

But wait, there’s more!

Science fiction fans everywhere yelled a collective “SQUEE!!!!” when it was recently announced that there’s more than just what we previously thought about space. I, for one, would like to welcome our rocket cycle-racing masters from Rigel.

Thanks to a modified Chilean telescope, 32 exoplanets have been discovered outside of our solar system. These planets have yet to be named, but we at SG suspect that they’ll probably be named along the lines of Gangster Planet, Dinosaur Planet, Nazi Planet, Ancient Rome Planet and Old West Planet.

Now, for all the misanthropes who would like to be the first on the next series of colony missions, keep in mind that we can’t successfully build a working bio dome on a planet with a stable atmosphere and have yet to colonize our closest planetary neighbor.

Of course, the definitive question is not how many of them that we have discovered, but how many of them have already discovered us (and the insides of our rectums via their ka-razy alien probes)?

MasterChugs Theater: ‘District 9’

The poison that permeates the District 9 is the same toxin that has defined so much of human history: The oppression of the Other. In this case, that means scaly aliens with feelers for faces who are confined to South African-style “townships,” and who, in director-writer Neill Blomkamp’s allegorical thrill ride, represent every tyrannized population since the institution of the pogrom. A sci-fi fueled indictment of man’s inhumanity to man, and the non-human, District 9 is all horribly familiar, and transfixing. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘District 9’

Space ready to give the high five

What’s old is new and what’s new is old. That’s the approach taken by many a human in regards to fads. Everyone enjoys “blowing it up”, and who couldn’t love to make fun of those that pop their collars? But no one, and we mean no one, could have possibly imagined the high five coming back-and being used by an entire cosmos.

Say what? That’s right. NASA took photos of an x-ray nebula, located a relatively close 150 light years away. Scientists are theorizing that it’s simply a star spewing energy left and right, and it just happens to have created a hand thanks to the energy, while the fingers are nothing more than gas clouds with stuff in them. Oh sure. What a coincidence.

No one really knows whether it’s a clever ploy by aliens, the hand of God, or the almighty back of the hand of Baby Powder. Nonetheless, we do know this-it’s very, very blue. Also, hey, star, while you’re at it, do you think you could make some googly eyes too?

And in other space related news, it seems as if liberal and commie aliens might not get a chance to learn just what is The Word. NASA is apparently being pretty mum about just whether or not the newest wing of the International Space Station truly will be named “Colbert”, despite it winning a contest. Of course, this could all be just a sinister plot by bears. The jury’s still out.

UPDATE:  Colbert will not get his name on the node, but he does get a snazzy treadmill named after him.

Space has no time for freeloaders

Space. The Final Frontier.  For the longest time, these voyages to the great beyond were known only by we noble humans and our primate prisoners. There, in space, we could practice numerous scientific activities that could thus better our race in our war against those hideous animals. But now, a new threat has emerged.

Suicidal bats.

Yes, bats are now attaching themselves to space shuttle launches, undoubtedly in the ignoble hope that they can take down said space shuttle. Obviously this means that the animals have merged together into a horrible, unfied force of evil. As such, the bats, having nothing to live for now that they’re not allowed to eat those smalls bugs, have decided to become suicidal monsters.

The only coping thought that we can have regarding this news is that the bat most probably suffered a horrible and painful death upon initial launch out of the Earth’s atmosphere. If somehow, it managed to survive that, then we can take solace in the fact that it suffered an even more horrible and painful deaht, and as such, is now floating somewhere in space as a piece of space debris, hopefully causing numerous damage to some bothersome alien. Take that, ET!

Scientists cocky about emerging intragalactic war

Scientists all over the Earth hypothesize and are conducting experiments to find life elsewhere in the galaxy; that we knew already.

What we didn’t already know is that several of them believe that it is entirely possible that there is life elsewhere in our own corner of the Milky Way galaxy, and that some of it might be intelligent.

Using a computer model, one group has recreated our galaxy and then studied how life may have started and evolved. Even by introducing species-ending disasters like asteroids and McDonald’s, at least 361 intelligent species evolved anyway.

So, our counteroffensive in the War on Aliens might just be closer than we expected. Set your probes for “violate,” and let’s move out!

Mars Attacks! our green technology

Citizens of the Earth, we are facing an ever-present danger. We face a two-fold crisis. First, we are running out of oil, one of our main sources of fuel for things like transportation and otter-killing, and second, we face the threat of environmental destruction through (stop reading here if you are a neo-con) global warming.

Scientists are working around the world to find new sources of energy that could solve both problems for us, but it may not be fast enough. And now, we have threats from outer space. Not just from Keanu Reeves, but coming in the form of interstellar vandalism.

In England, hundred of UFOs are being reported, and a wind turbine was unexpectedly damaged in the area where most of the reports originate. Clearly, intelligent beings are coming to this planet to mess with our pinwheels.

Set phasers to kill!