Joining Vermont, South Carolina is a state reeling from reports of a new danger. People there are used to seeing alligators, but they are used to seeing them come in one color. Now there’s an orange gator on the loose.
Locals reported seeing an orange gator in a retention pond recently, and authorities are stumped. They know it’s not an albino, because it’s an adult gator and this is the first time anyone has reported it. After that, it’s just guesswork. The real problem is that the gator blends in with the color of the South Carolina clay, which means it’s even hard to see it before it strikes.
Golf isn’t the most exciting sport in the world, that’s part of the appeal. Still, any real sport needs to have an element of danger. There’s no shortage of threats to safety when you place golf in Florida.
In Englewood, Florida, some golfers were stopped when a 13-foot alligator crossed their path, and decided to settle on the green they were heading to. A clear threat to mankind when we try to relax. The crazy part is that Florida golfers seem to treat this as a regular occurrence.
Let’s just hope California golfers don’t treat airplanes on greens so casually.
We won’t back down. As we move closer and closer to the holiday season, our wartime enemies, the animal kingdom, attempt to throw everything at us. Because of their lack of opposable thumbs and indoor heating, animals are not able to survive the winter, with the exception of a select few of their specialized troops, giving us the advantage.
Reptiles are the first of their warriors to go down. Given their cold-blooded bodies, it of course makes sense that they’d throw their largest warriors in a last-ditch attempt, and they did just that over the weekend in Lakeland, Florida. A local man was able to dispatch a 12 foot long, over 700 pound monster alligator. It may not be hold the record for the largest or heaviest alligator in the state, but Lakeland residents will be able to sleep soundly knowing that they won’t have to contend with such a horrific beast.
What I tell you next, though, may put you through an emotional roller coaster. Almost two months ago, an Arkansas girl was involved in an accident that saw a deer come through opposing traffic and place itself through her driver’s side window, impaling her through her jaws with its antlers. It’s a terrifying event to happen. We’re proud and overjoyed to say that now, Tori Henry has nearly fully recovered, with simply a small scar to show. Even better, that villainous deer is dead and no more.
It’s not shameful to admit that alligators can be worrisome enemies. Deceptively speedy, they have a bite that is terrifying at best and fatal at worst. They’re extremely territorial, and that death roll of theirs is dynamite, just like a killer bunny. Normal people should avoid them.
Now, we’re not saying that we should give ground to them. Far from it. In fact, an older woman in Florida may be slowly winning the war. Residents in a neighborhood have caught her feeding an alligator. This is a regrettable act. We truly should be starving them, as that’s an effective way to win the war. Luckily, they’ve also caught her yelling at the alligator. We approve of that tactic. By demoralizing the troops, we can slowly but surely put a hatchet in the war.
We can also put a hatchet in the war by putting a hatchet into the heads of our enemies. Just throwing that out there.
In Florida, one of the biggest fronts in our War on Animals, one tactical genius may have figured out how to defeat our enemies: use them as currency.
Police charged a Miami man with illegally capturing an alligator, after they say he tried to trade one for beer at a convenience store. The gator was about four feet long and still alive, so really, that should be worth a case or two. Unfortunately, the clerk, and the authorities he called, didn’t see it that way.
People of Chicago, be careful on your commutes. The temperature is cooling down and things are getting weird.
A few weeks ago, a baby alligator was found waltzing around the baggage claim area of Chicago O’Hare International Airport. The gator wasn’t talking, so authorities were forced to go through surveillance footage. They found that a woman riding on the train to the airport was playing with the creature in the middle of the night, now they’re looking for her.
Hey there parents! Got a party for that bratty kid coming up, but have no idea what to do? Need to top your next door neighbors with showing your kids just how much you faux-love them? Do you live near Kenneth City, Florida?
Then, buddy, do we have the solution for you.
Normal parties are so lame. It’s time for the new hotness: an alligator in your pool! That’s right, for what’s surely a (small, nominal) fee, Bob Barrett, owner of Alligator Attractions, will bring his alligator, Burger, to entertain the kids in your pool. Oh, no worries, as the alligator will have its mouth sealed up.
Nothing to worry about there. Except for the unmentioned claws of the reptile. And the gator poop. OH, THE GATOR POOP!
People, if they can’t hold it together, then we have all the chances in the world. Mind you, it would’ve been better if we could get the dog and reptile to slay each other in ignoble violence, but wounding will work. Plus, need I point out the seeds of discontent that have been planted?
In Germany, there are many things you might expect to see, but an alligator is not one of them.
The people of Gross-Rohrheim, Germany were surprised to find they were being invaded by such a beast. We don’t know a whole lot, but we know that the alligator was an escapee from a small circus hosted in town, and that the predator was captured and apparently not killed.