Hey there parents! Got a party for that bratty kid coming up, but have no idea what to do? Need to top your next door neighbors with showing your kids just how much you faux-love them? Do you live near Kenneth City, Florida?
Then, buddy, do we have the solution for you.
Normal parties are so lame. It’s time for the new hotness: an alligator in your pool! That’s right, for what’s surely a (small, nominal) fee, Bob Barrett, owner of Alligator Attractions, will bring his alligator, Burger, to entertain the kids in your pool. Oh, no worries, as the alligator will have its mouth sealed up.
Nothing to worry about there. Except for the unmentioned claws of the reptile. And the gator poop. OH, THE GATOR POOP!
Betrayal. Insurrection. Double-crossing. Perfidy. Treason.
In our War on Animals, we need every victory that we can get. Let’s face it people, they outnumber us. But what we have is unity. What they have?
People, if they can’t hold it together, then we have all the chances in the world. Mind you, it would’ve been better if we could get the dog and reptile to slay each other in ignoble violence, but wounding will work. Plus, need I point out the seeds of discontent that have been planted?
In Germany, there are many things you might expect to see, but an alligator is not one of them.
The people of Gross-Rohrheim, Germany were surprised to find they were being invaded by such a beast. We don’t know a whole lot, but we know that the alligator was an escapee from a small circus hosted in town, and that the predator was captured and apparently not killed.
The gator escaped justice.
Are to tired of feeling like you are a real man? As if Cammie Colin, the 16-year old cheerleader who killed an alligator with a bow and arrow wasn’t enough, we humbly submit Simon Hughes, 5, who brought down a 12 1/2-foot, 800-pound alligator. (Nearly a record size in Texas.)
Simon used a gun. In some states, a five-year old with a gun might raise some red flags, but in Texas, it’s perfectly acceptable. The kid has been shooting since he was four, so you know he’s experienced and responsible and all that.
If Simon is killing members of Al-Igator, shouldn’t you be doing more to fight animals, girly man?
… Because we should have said “of the Century” or “of All Time.”
Kasey Edwards’ story is not over, meat-eaters.* After losing his arm to and gouging the eye out of an alligator, you’d think he’d hang up his frog suit and harpoon gun for good.
And you’d be thinking wrong, because he’s now leading others into action:
“‘It’s a problem that needs to be dealt with,’ victim Kasey Edwards said. ‘The alligators — the population needs to be brought down.'”
[Emphasis ours, but we assume was his, too. He probably slammed his good fist into the table for each bold-faced word.]
Admiral Edwards, we are prepared to hand our brown water navy over to you. (Hope you like fanboats!) And after you rid Florida of the scaly horde, we’ve got an international mission for you.
*Hey, vegetarians. You can hate animals, too. It’s called sport hunting or target practice. Look into it.
Sometimes animals are so scary that we’re ready to give up and die after one bite.
Not so for Kasey Edwards, who was attacked by an 11-foot alligator while swimming in Lake Okeechobee, Florida. The “gator,” as the locals call it, chomped off his arm about “4 inches above the elbow.”
Did this faze Edwards? Not at all.
“It was a pretty humbling experience,” said Edwards, who was difficult to understand because his ginormous testicles kept getting in the way.
He stared down the “gator” for 10 seconds, and then gouged the scaly beast’s eye out with one of his remaining five fingers.
We salute you, Mr. Edwards. Not only did you kick an alligator’s ass, but you did it just like in the movies.
For those just tuning in to this article, SeriouslyGuys has updated Mr. Edwards’ hero-status!