Next time, Mr. Bond

The U.K. is slowly calming down after a scare that it was being invaded by crocs.

Last week, a retiree was out riding his bike along the River Thames, better known as that river that flows through London, when he saw a crocodile in the river. This set off a wave of panic throughout the country, as citizens rightfully wondered if the animals were going after the royal family. But, as it turns out, it was just a fake gator used in Live and Let Die, you know, the James Bond movie that takes place in Louisiana.

The prop, which was used in the scene where Roger Moore runs across the backs of gators, was stored on an island by a man who worked on several Bond films, and likely washed away during recent flooding.

Had the Thames gator, or croc, or whatever, been the real deal, we’re sure that Bond would have handled it.

Cue single tear and slow clap

There are lots of heroes in this world. There are the fictional kind, like Captain America, Superman and Bill Pullman. There are the real kind, like Dr. Martin Luther King and non-Hitler mustache Michael Jordan. And then there are the ones that are never known. It’s not that we don’t encounter them in our lives, it’s just that we have no idea who they are.

We had another moment like that this week.

A pair of dismembered alligators were seen near an elementary school. Their tails missing, the bodies lay there as a stark reminder to all animals of their place in life. Sadly, we have no idea who the great champions were that did such an act. Employees of Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission are pinning the “blame” (if such a word can actually be attributed to an act as great as it was) on hunters, taking their tails for meat purposes and skedaddling. If that’s so, then we would like to commend them.

Alligators aren’t the American bison. We can’t use all of their body parts. Hell, it took a bulldozer to deal with the bodies! These reptiles were more than likely up to no good. Their fates were justified. Children shouldn’t have been traumatized by this incident, but inspired by it.

Can’t escape the long arm of the law

You know what’s a great animal to have at a petting zoo? An alligator. It’s an even better idea to have the gator around children.

A Florida wildlife officer brought in a gator to show off at his daughter’s school for show and tell. Then the gator got away. Whoops. Luckily, officials now think they have caught the bastard, who was probably waiting in a nearby pond to eat an unsuspecting student.

By the way, who knew gators could jump?

Co-Warrior of the Week: Cammie Colin

South Carolina be a little different. There, high school cheerleaders like to hunt alligators in their spare time.

Cammie Colin, 16, is one of those. She recently caught a 10-foot, 350-pound gator. With a crossbow. In a boat. She is Buffy the gator slayer.

This is expected to help Cammie’s school spirit–if you don’t cheer when she says so, damn it, you don’t want her to get her crossbow. She is not a wench to mess with.