Amazon says you’re pregnant, creates registry for you

You may not think you’re pregnant, but Amazon knows better. So don’t be surprised when you start getting gifts.

Earlier this week, people reported getting emails from Amazon letting them know that someone had bought something on their baby registry. The only problem was that they didn’t have a baby on the way, nor did they have a registry. The company claims it was a glitch, and that it doesn’t actually know anything that the women themselves don’t.

Glitch or no glitch, it might be a good idea to buy some pregnancy tests on Amazon. You never know what Alexa has been telling that site.

Mecha lekka hi, mecha hiney holy sh*t!

The Method 2 comes with everything seen here! (Jeff “Get Away from Her, You B*tch” Bezos sold separately.)

Nobody knows whether Amazon founder, Washington Post owner and possibly billionaire supervillain Jeff Bezos bears humanity good or ill will. But, he’s bringing us working mechanized robot suits, so we guess we’re onboard either way. (At the very least, we’ll need our own lest we bring a gun to a mecha fight.)

Bezos demonstrated both a semi-working 13-foot tall, 1.5 ton Korean bipedal robotic vehicle and how slimming jumpsuits are this week at his MARS conference. An acronym for Machine-Learning, Automation, and Space Exploration, admittance was invitation only — no one unserious about conquering this world or any other allowed.

The only thing delaying our eventual dominance is that, while your average web purveyor of lube can operate the arms, nobody has seen the Method 2 walk yet. So, we’ve got some time yet to panic.

Even if it can walk, we can always run from it up or down stairs.

You Missed It: Nut bag edition

Change we can believe in.
Change we can believe in.

Hi guys. Some funny things happened this week, didn’t they? We’ll get to that in a minute. First, how about we all back off the Jared Fogle jokes? It seems like everyone’s been making the same jokes about Subway’s slogan or sandwich sizes this week. Even celebrities and comedians who don’t usually write hacky crap. The guy was into some nasty things, and messed some kids up. Maybe we shouldn’t be laughing. That’s all. Now let’s move on to things that we probably should laugh at. If you were busy nearly going to war over pamphlets this week, odds are you missed it.

A candidate for the coveted male vote
The already crowded presidential field added one new face this week when Deez Nuts announced his candidacy. Almost immediately, the candidate was buzzing on social media. He even polled at 9% in North Carolina. Then it was revealed that it was all a joke perpetrated by a 15-year-old boy in Iowa. Nice try, kid, but we’ve already got a fake candidate for president, and his name is Donald Trump.

Bringing sweatshops back to America, finally
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos found himself under a lot of scrutiny when a New York Times article portrayed his company has a toxic place to work, encouraging numbers and stabbing fellow employees in the back. Bezos dismissed the story, saying it was a skewed version of his company and its culture. It’s only a matter of time before a drone reports harsh working conditions.

The Duggar affair
This week, hackers made good on their promise to release customer data from Ashley Madison, the site for married people seeking to have affairs. So far, the most notable member revealed is Josh Duggar, one of the kids of 19 Kids and Counting fame, cult member, alleged sister molester and family values advocate. He confirmed he was a member of the site, but reminded everyone that gays are ruining the institution of marriage.

Gronking comes to a halt, won’t be forgotten

We’ve got some bad news for all the lovers out there. Amazon is no longer selling A Gronking to Remember, and it’s not clear why.

Yes, just days after lifting the Lombardi trophy in Phoenix, it seems a book about Rob Gronkowski has been pulled. The romance novel is reportedly about a married woman who watches football with her husband, and soon finds an attraction to Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski. It was an instant classic online, and now it’s gone.

Where has the romance gone, Gronk?

How is this not how Skynet begins?

As we all have heard on the internet by now, Amazon will soon be employing drones in order to deliver your package to you in the fastest way possible, cutting out the delivery courier business middleman.

NOW, it would seem that UPS is getting into the drone business, as it’s being reported that the United Parcel Service is experimenting with possibly using drones for deliveries.

You know who isn’t using drones? The USPS, the arm (finger?) of the United States government. Weird, right?

Maaaaaybe there shouldn’t be an app for that

Apple’s been under a lot of fire recently. First, they get sued by one company; then, they decide to sue another company. It’s just not roses in Cupertino at the moment. It’s okay though, as they’ve got something to solve, at the very least, your problems as theirs are a bit more difficult.

Are you gay? Do you have an iPhone? Do you not want to be gay anymore?

Then friend, Apple’s got the app for you! Now, mind you, the creators of the app are completely within their rights to make it. On the other hand, nnnnnnnnnnnh.

Did somebody say …… wood?

Okay, the obligatory Dave Coulier reference has been done. It won’t have to be made again for a whole year.

HOWEVER, if you live in Peru, you know what you might have to make again, and in less than a year’s time? Your wooden house. No joke.

The catfish are coming, the catfish are coming! Yes, a new species of catfish has been found in northeastern Peru. These creatures are fond of wood (just like your mom), or least, the scrapings of wood. They consume said scrapings with their nightmarish spoon teeth. Oh, and they grow to be around two feet in length. That’s more than a third of me!

People, I shouldn’t have to explain to you just how critical it is for us to eliminate these creatures right now. The sooner they’re taken care of, the better, because if we don’t, an untold number of native Peruvians that have built their houses literally on the river may soon find themselves in wetter living conditions than they imagined.

Cannibalism alive and well for some, dead for others

Humanity-still the other white meat (some of the time).

So, it would seem that cannibalism is still going on in the Amazon. Who would’ve guessed? Not a farmer local to the area, it would seem.

Five tribe members are on the lam(b) after allegedly having murdered and eaten a nineteen year old farmer for a ritual. Mind you, the tribesmen in question were in custody at one point or another, but they managed to escape, what with their bodies probably still slick from blood and all. You know how it happens.

Of course, the menacing group of Indians standing outside of the police station where the lot was being held probably didn’t help calm anything down either.

No word yet on whether anyone decided to wean the five off of human flesh using raccoon meat.