Maaaaaybe there shouldn’t be an app for that

Apple’s been under a lot of fire recently. First, they get sued by one company; then, they decide to sue another company. It’s just not roses in Cupertino at the moment. It’s okay though, as they’ve got something to solve, at the very least, your problems as theirs are a bit more difficult.

Are you gay? Do you have an iPhone? Do you not want to be gay anymore?

Then friend, Apple’s got the app for you! Now, mind you, the creators of the app are completely within their rights to make it. On the other hand, nnnnnnnnnnnh.

Did somebody say …… wood?

Okay, the obligatory Dave Coulier reference has been done. It won’t have to be made again for a whole year.

HOWEVER, if you live in Peru, you know what you might have to make again, and in less than a year’s time? Your wooden house. No joke.

The catfish are coming, the catfish are coming! Yes, a new species of catfish has been found in northeastern Peru. These creatures are fond of wood (just like your mom), or least, the scrapings of wood. They consume said scrapings with their nightmarish spoon teeth. Oh, and they grow to be around two feet in length. That’s more than a third of me!

People, I shouldn’t have to explain to you just how critical it is for us to eliminate these creatures right now. The sooner they’re taken care of, the better, because if we don’t, an untold number of native Peruvians that have built their houses literally on the river may soon find themselves in wetter living conditions than they imagined.

Cannibalism alive and well for some, dead for others

Humanity-still the other white meat (some of the time).

So, it would seem that cannibalism is still going on in the Amazon. Who would’ve guessed? Not a farmer local to the area, it would seem.

Five tribe members are on the lam(b) after allegedly having murdered and eaten a nineteen year old farmer for a ritual. Mind you, the tribesmen in question were in custody at one point or another, but they managed to escape, what with their bodies probably still slick from blood and all. You know how it happens.

Of course, the menacing group of Indians standing outside of the police station where the lot was being held probably didn’t help calm anything down either.

No word yet on whether anyone decided to wean the five off of human flesh using raccoon meat.