America prides itself on not being the rest of the world. Ask anyone who’s never traveled and they’ll tell you that the U.S. is the greatest country in the world. Raise a glass, fellow Americans, today we are truly special.
According to a new study, the world decided to cut back a bit on drinking, leaving the U.S. to keep the party going on its own as the only country to drink more. A worldwide decline in alcohol sales hasn’t been seen in recent memory, and the U.S. proudly kept such a tragedy from occurring in 2015, as booze sales rose by near 1 billion liters over the previous year.
If the rest of the world wants to cut back on the drinky-drinky, that’s just more beer for us.
Not that we care what other countries think of us (if their citizens mattered, they’d live here), but they’re a little concerned with how easily we nominated Donald Trump as one of two candidates to run our government/basically the world. The Republican primary race wasn’t even close, no matter how long Kasich thought just staying in was 90 percent of winning.
As if in the beer aisle, Americans looked at the GOP’s offerings, and — after briefly considering giving the dark stout one a shot — shrugged, said “f*ck it” and pulled the lever for the Budweiser of candidates.
We don’t like shaming people these days, unless it’s shaming the shamers. And then there are some who shame the shamers of the shamers. But aside from that, Americans see shaming as bad. That’s why we can’t make fun of KFC’s newest offering.
So let’s not make fun of people who bite their nails for now having a flavor to enjoy. Let’s not mock people who buy this, because wearing nail polish shouldn’t be a gender-specific thing. An otherwise toxic product that has fast food flavoring is officially the most American product, but it’s only being released in Hong Kong.
No matter how many weight-loss reality shows we watch, Americans just can’t seem to lose any weight. It’s no secret that America is in the midst of an obesity epidemic, but it’s good to know that the Brits are struggling with the same thing — their pets are, anyway.
According to a veterinarian group in the U.K., British pets are fat because their owners keep feeding them fast food and leftovers from dining out. Here in America, we save that stuff for ourselves. (Let the dog go buy his own Taco Bell!) What’s worse, is that some U.K. pet owners are even feeding their animals booze.
In the immediate aftermath of 9/11, we passed the USA PATRIOT Act. (Like with most important bills, the crafters made good use of time to craft a strong, patriotic acronym for the title.) In the 14 years since 9/11, we’ve bravely stuck with it, replacing it with bills that minimally roll back the surveillance measures we originally agreed to. (They also had proud, powerful acronymic names, like the USA FREEDOM Act.) Courageously, we established that the only way to defend freedom is to sign it away.
In those years, we’ve taken strong stands against people who treated Ebola patients, no matter what egghead doctors said. Now, we’re bravely trying to deny refuge to people seeking to escape madmen so scary that, rather than face them decisively, we blow them up from New Mexico with flying murder-bots. (This is totally not like how our villains send robots after heroes in our movies. When we do it in real life, it’s courageous.)
And now, we’ve finally reached the point where we’re brave enough to not only deny sanctuary to people who have lived through the wars we ignore, we’re also courageous enough to call “internment camps” (a phrase we dashingly invented to separate us from cowardly Nazis and their dirty concentration camps) what they really were: a good idea.
But, it’s not just diseases and people that we’re standing up to. We’re also valorously roping off ideas we disagree with or that offend us, enacting safe zones and issuing trigger warnings to defend the sensibilities of those who might hear them. It takes a big person to tell Ann Coulter that, not only is she wrong about everything, but that we’d rather not tell her, please don’t come to our school.
And, when it comes to real issues, like passing budgets that might tax people or cut spending, we’ve punted a record number of years because punting is a term from football — the bravest sport in the world played by the bravest men who ever punched a woman or electrocuted a dog.
Here we are at the ass-end of 2015: still the land of the free and the home of the brave. Now please rise for the national anthem, and don’t you dare forget to put your hand over your heart. Or don’t you love your country?
You know Pat Sajak, everyone does. He’s the short, friendly, affable guy who has hosted Wheel of Fortune for some three decades. What you may not know is that he’s active on Twitter. More so, he’s on to the evil schemes of scientists and their so-called “evidence.”
Just yesterday, he made made it plain that he believes this “climate change” thing is a bunch of hooey.
I now believe global warming alarmists are unpatriotic racists knowingly misleading for their own ends. Good night.
No, his account wasn’t hacked. He chose to tweet that the same day NOAA released its monthly report saying that April was tied for the hottest month globally ever recorded. Sajak really was saying if you believe in global warming, you’re a racist. Worse yet, you don’t love America, one of the biggest polluters in the world.
We have to agree with Mr. Wheel himself. A guy who stands in one place, smiling and handing out money night after night, needs to be well educated. And it takes a man of such intelligence to stare down 97.1% of all research done on climate change and say, “F_CK Y__.”
If you’re into drinking on Mondays, today is a big day for you. Once again we’ve reached St. Patrick’s Day, the one day anyone wears green, in honor of a Scotsman who invaded a country, saw there were no snakes, and claimed to have driven them out himself.
In Ireland, so I am told, today isn’t really a big deal. Sure, it’s cause for celebration, but the pubs used to be closed for the day until the 1970s because it’s a Catholic feast day. So really, the Irish go out and drink, but they don’t get as crazy as we do here in America.
If you’re a man in America, we’ve got great news: your gynecologist will see you now.
For decades, American men have gone without getting their paps smeared and their oil changed at the gynecologist–all because of sexist rules that said these doctors could only treat women. Those dark days are over, men. The American Board of Obstetrics and Gynecology has loosened up its old rules, allowing gynecologists, regardless of sex, to treat men.
Finally, the Guys will know once and for all if we have ovarian cancer.