Tag: america

Take pride, America: We’ve got a record stockpile of cheese

We’re only a day away from the most American holiday other than Black Friday: Independence Day. And while there are a lot of patriotic articles out there spouting tired old facts, here’s a new one: the U.S. has the most cheese stockpiled right now than it likely ever has.

According to a USDA report, America has some 1.385 billion pounds of cheese reserves, you know, in case there’s a run on pizzas. That number is higher than any level known since the cheese stockpiles started being recorded in 1917. That should make every American swell with pride, or Wis Pride.

This cheese is my cheese, this cheese is your cheese, from Monterey jack to Vermont sharp cheddar.

America-hating groundhog steals flags from graves

A graveyard in Massachusetts has been the subject of vandalism — very unpatriotic vandalism at that. Someone is stealing the flags from the graves of veterans. And unsurprisingly, it’s the animals that are to blame.

Flags placed at graves for Memorial Day were reported missing or vandalized in the days that followed, prompting an investigation by local authorities. Now, police have identified their leading suspect: a groundhog that hates America. The investigation is ongoing, but authorities say it seems most likely to be the work of an evil groundhog, and if it is, they will catch it.

Folks, in times as divisive as these, the animals are trying to divide us even further. Let’s come together, not as Red America and Blue America, but as humans, and eliminate these vermin once and for all.

SUCK IT, NERD COUNTRIES!

AMER-I-CUH, F— YEAH!

In a move that surprises no one, America has been voted the coolest nation in the world by the other countries in the world. Excuse us while we don’t remove our sunglasses. Doing so might bother our totally perfectly sculpted hair.

A social networking, Badoo, conducted a poll using 30, 000 people from around the planet. The relevancy of whether or not a site that no one’s heard of is immaterial; the results are all that matter. Speaking of the results, it was discovered that being a Spaniard is pretty awesome in Europe, Brazil is still tops in Latin America and Belgium a bunch of dorks.

Not that being from Spain or Brazil matters. America is still considered the world’s coolest nationality.

As such, here’s a tip from one of the coolest people in the world to Belgium: get cracking on something awesome other than your waffles and we’ll talk about not stuffing you into a locker. Maybe.

French cops denied happy juice, throw temper-tantrum

Say what you want about we A-mur-icans, but at least we generally have the courtesy to not drink on the job unless we’re paid to do so. Or, it makes us more efficient and effective in our work, one or the other.

France? Not so much allegedly for their riot cops.

That’s right, French riot cops are upset that they’re not being allowed to drink while on duty. Right, the muscular cops that wield heavy-duty billy clubs, tear gas grenades and full-time kevlar vests are apparently having a tiff that they can’t have a glass of wine or beer while having a lunch during their shift. While there’s no correlation between police officers and alcohol problems, this move can probably help out with their currently less than sparkling public image. Not that there haven’t been loopholes before:

According to French law alcohol is banned while employees are at work – with the exception of “wine, beer, apple cider and pear cider”.

While this could be the equivalent of cultural shift of sorts, it’d be like banning all types of meat, except beef, pork, chicken, turkey, lamb and other forms of consumption that bleed.

Some seriously U.S. wars updates

When it comes to wars, The Guys are starting to overstretch our resources. At last count we’re engaged on four fronts and with some real heavyweights, like robots, every animal in the world, extraterrestrial intelligence and the entire concept of education.

The U.S. fights a lot more wars–albeit against punier opponents like potheads and religious fanatics–so sometimes it’s hard to keep track of what our benevolent leaders are waging against. To keep you informed, we bring you A Seriously U.S. Wars Update.

Afghanistan
It turns out there may be more to Afghanistan than poppies and Muhammad fanboys who–like our own fanboys–have poor hygiene and fear the touch of women. U.S. geologists have discovered large untapped deposits of copper, iron and lithium and believe this could help draw more international aid. Because when we think of improving living conditions for a people that have been impoverished by unchecked religion, war and corruption, we think of mining.

Iraq
After over seven years of searching for chemical weapons in Iraq, U.S. forces have finally found them.

Illegal Immigration
According to an expert witness, Arizona is “the gateway to America for drug trafficking, extortion, kidnapping and crime.” That was Gov. Jan Brewer, who is experimenting with a new method of curbing illegal immigration: paint your state as a hellhole so that nobody will enter it.

So, in summation, America is winning!

Take it from Snee: A few more things

As I established last “lightning round,” there are certain thoughts I have that don’t really make an entire Take it from Snee. They’re just ideas I save up from stories I read and, when the week’s particularly slow, I just ejaculate them into one gonzo post.

So, enjoy my brain ejaculations.

I promise to avoid your hair and those pants that are dry clean only. But you’re on your own for your eyes. You don’t like this? Keep ’em shut. Continue reading Take it from Snee: A few more things

Love means never having to sign another treaty

Love. It’s the same all over the world. Unfortunately, so are the downsides of relationships, like break ups (and children).

Imagine two lovers joined together as one, as they had for many, many years. The man starts becoming more and more abusive, so the woman declares herself independent of the man and wins her battle. As with some break ups, the two can’t remain away for too long and start fighting again, with no change in the outcome.

Many years later, the woman comes to the man’s rescue, in the process becoming more powerful than she had ever thought she could become. Now the man sees the woman for her strong, feminine power and respects her for it. In truth, he does pretty much whatever she says.

The man in this story is the British Empire and the strong, empowered woman is the U.S. In case you were wondering the two lovers today are still friends with benefits.

Another America?

OK, so we’ve been quiet about President Obama’s plan to bring the 2016 (that’s pronounced “twenty-sixteen”) Olympics to Chicago, Illinois. We didn’t want to jinx it, and to be honest, Chicago’s not very good at shaking off curses.

But despite our tight-lipped efforts, Rio de Janeiro stole them from us!

We don’t blame the International Olympics Committee because we believe they were deliberately confused by that Portuguese-speaking, Amazon-bearing, cancer-curing anaconda pit that Brazilians call a country.

Knowing that the IOC wanted to give the Olympics to an American city, Rio presented themselves this way:

  • They’re also in “America.” Yes, just like how Richmond is the incest capital of West Virginia, right?
  • They hold an annual Carnival that celebrates nudity, transsexuals and bead-based economies. Yeah, we named that Mardi Gras when we invented it!
  • They even claim to be world champion football players. Really? Which Manning’s on your team?

You know what? We don’t even care about the Olympics anymore. You can have them, Rio.

(Hey, IOC! Did you hear Brazil’s trying to build nuclear weapons?)

They’re after our royalty!

Looking to get away from all the swine flu stories and gross overreaction by foreign governments —

(Killing all your pigs? Really, Egypt? And you, Hong Kong, boarding up a hotel so the guests can’t get out? It’s the flu.)

— Americans have returned their focus to what they really love: European royalty.

Yes, only 233 years after we told our own reigning monarch to go … govern himself, we’re caught up in the drama of an attempted car attack on the Dutch royal family on Queen Day. The driver, Karst Tates, had lost his job as a security guard and just turned in the key to the apartment he could no afford the rent for when he decided to ram the Queen with his Suzuki.

Now, we’re not saying he was justified, but maintaining a royal family with tax dollars — even a modest one — in an economic crisis? We’re not saying Tates was right, but we understand.

Only Americans are killed with guns

After last week’s shooting spree at the American Civic Association, an immigrant education center, in Birmingham, New York, Sen. Charles Schumer has proposed a bill to posthumously award citizenship to those who were killed before becoming United Statesians.

Since the U.S. has the highest gun death rate above the other 20 richest nations, it does seem a purely American act to die in a random shooting spree. Let’s bury them each with a Big Mac and call it American tragedy.