U.S. shows the world how to drink

Captain America represents the best drinker in all of us.
Captain America represents the best drinker in all of us.

America prides itself on not being the rest of the world. Ask anyone who’s never traveled and they’ll tell you that the U.S. is the greatest country in the world. Raise a glass, fellow Americans, today we are truly special.

According to a new study, the world decided to cut back a bit on drinking, leaving the U.S. to keep the party going on its own as the only country to drink more. A worldwide decline in alcohol sales hasn’t been seen in recent memory, and the U.S. proudly kept such a tragedy from occurring in 2015, as booze sales rose by near 1 billion liters over the previous year.

If the rest of the world wants to cut back on the drinky-drinky, that’s just more beer for us.

Budweiser finishing what Trump started

Only pinkos and degenerates drink Miller or Coors.
Budweiser: the best beer. The greatest, classiest beer you’ve ever shotgunned. We promise you.

Not that we care what other countries think of us (if their citizens mattered, they’d live here), but they’re a little concerned with how easily we nominated Donald Trump as one of two candidates to run our government/basically the world. The Republican primary race wasn’t even close, no matter how long Kasich thought just staying in was 90 percent of winning.

As if in the beer aisle, Americans looked at the GOP’s offerings, and — after briefly considering giving the dark stout one a shot — shrugged, said “f*ck it” and pulled the lever for the Budweiser of candidates.

And, now that America has people all over the world wondering if we’ve really lost our minds that badly, Anheuser-Busch is ready to relabel Budweiser as “America” for the summer. Sure, it’s probably the best-selling beer in America, but should we celebrate that?

KFC wants you to eat nail polish

We don’t like shaming people these days, unless it’s shaming the shamers. And then there are some who shame the shamers of the shamers. But aside from that, Americans see shaming as bad. That’s why we can’t make fun of KFC’s newest offering.

In an announcement we are forced to assume is real, KFC has worked with McCormick to introduce a flavored nail polish. You can now paint your nails, and lick them for that secret blend of herbs and spices any time you want. We have to assume the nail polish has to dry first.

So let’s not make fun of people who bite their nails for now having a flavor to enjoy. Let’s not mock people who buy this, because wearing nail polish shouldn’t be a gender-specific thing. An otherwise toxic product that has fast food flavoring is officially the most American product, but it’s only being released in Hong Kong.

British pets eat like American humans

No, you can't has anymore cheezburgers.
No, you can’t has anymore cheezburgers.

No matter how many weight-loss reality shows we watch, Americans just can’t seem to lose any weight. It’s no secret that America is in the midst of an obesity epidemic, but it’s good to know that the Brits are struggling with the same thing — their pets are, anyway.

According to a veterinarian group in the U.K., British pets are fat because their owners keep feeding them fast food and leftovers from dining out. Here in America, we save that stuff for ourselves. (Let the dog go buy his own Taco Bell!) What’s worse, is that some U.K. pet owners are even feeding their animals booze.

That kind of behavior here is reserved for Toby Keith songs.

Take it from Snee: … and the Home of the Brave

Specifically not this home. It's too full of the brave.
Specifically not this home. It’s too full of the brave.

In the immediate aftermath of 9/11, we passed the USA PATRIOT Act. (Like with most important bills, the crafters made good use of time to craft a strong, patriotic acronym for the title.) In the 14 years since 9/11, we’ve bravely stuck with it, replacing it with bills that minimally roll back the surveillance measures we originally agreed to. (They also had proud, powerful acronymic names, like the USA FREEDOM Act.) Courageously, we established that the only way to defend freedom is to sign it away.

In those years, we’ve taken strong stands against people who treated Ebola patients, no matter what egghead doctors said. Now, we’re bravely trying to deny refuge to people seeking to escape madmen so scary that, rather than face them decisively, we blow them up from New Mexico with flying murder-bots. (This is totally not like how our villains send robots after heroes in our movies. When we do it in real life, it’s courageous.)

We’ve also bravely sabotaged the building of those people’s places of worship, which is absolutely not like when terrorists tore down historic sites of religious significance or forced those same refugees to convert, die, or leave.

And now, we’ve finally reached the point where we’re brave enough to not only deny sanctuary to people who have lived through the wars we ignore, we’re also courageous enough to call “internment camps” (a phrase we dashingly invented to separate us from cowardly Nazis and their dirty concentration camps) what they really were: a good idea.

But, it’s not just diseases and people that we’re standing up to. We’re also valorously roping off ideas we disagree with or that offend us, enacting safe zones and issuing trigger warnings to defend the sensibilities of those who might hear them. It takes a big person to tell Ann Coulter that, not only is she wrong about everything, but that we’d rather not tell her, please don’t come to our school.

And, when it comes to real issues, like passing budgets that might tax people or cut spending, we’ve punted a record number of years because punting is a term from football — the bravest sport in the world played by the bravest men who ever punched a woman or electrocuted a dog.

Here we are at the ass-end of 2015: still the land of the free and the home of the brave. Now please rise for the national anthem, and don’t you dare forget to put your hand over your heart. Or don’t you love your country?

1 woman today equals 1 man in 1960s, report says

We’ve still got work to do, but it’s something.

According to the Centers for Disease Control, the average American woman now weighs about the same as the average man did in the 1960s, roughly 166 pounds. For women, it’s an 18.5% increase from 50 years ago. In the same time, American men have ballooned 17.6%, to 196 pounds. The report doesn’t say this, but it’s probably because back then everyone was smoking, and now they’re not.

But honestly folks, there are no excuses. We need to close the weight gap and we need to do it now.

Sobering news: U.S. lags behind other countries in drinking

Did you support America over the weekend? According to the World Health Organization, probably not.

According to the WHO, Americans over the age of 15 drank 9.2 liters of pure alcohol per capita in 2010. That may sound like a lot, but that puts us far below nearly every other country that doesn’t have an Islamic (teetotaler) majority. For example, Belarus was the drunkest, with 17.5 liters per capita.

Raise a glass and put America back on top. Are you doing your part?

Pat Sajak would like to talk to you about climate change

“The clue is, ‘Wake up, sheeple!'”

You know Pat Sajak, everyone does. He’s the short, friendly, affable guy who has hosted Wheel of Fortune for some three decades. What you may not know is that he’s active on Twitter. More so, he’s on to the evil schemes of scientists and their so-called “evidence.”

Just yesterday, he made made it plain that he believes this “climate change” thing is a bunch of hooey.


No, his account wasn’t hacked. He chose to tweet that the same day NOAA released its monthly report saying that April was tied for the hottest month globally ever recorded.  Sajak really was saying if you believe in global warming, you’re a racist. Worse yet, you don’t love America, one of the biggest polluters in the world.

We have to agree with Mr. Wheel himself. A guy who stands in one place, smiling and handing out money night after night, needs to be well educated. And it takes a man of such intelligence to stare down 97.1% of all research done on climate change and say, “F_CK Y__.”

The McBournie Minute: St. Paddy’s Day is apparently in the summer

If you’re into drinking on Mondays, today is a big day for you. Once again we’ve reached St. Patrick’s Day, the one day anyone wears green, in honor of a Scotsman who invaded a country, saw there were no snakes, and claimed to have driven them out himself.

In Ireland, so I am told, today isn’t really a big deal. Sure, it’s cause for celebration, but the pubs used to be closed for the day until the 1970s because it’s a Catholic feast day. So really, the Irish go out and drink, but they don’t get as crazy as we do here in America.

Then again, maybe they can just hold their booze better. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: St. Paddy’s Day is apparently in the summer

Men: Have you had your pap smear?

If you’re a man in America, we’ve got great news: your gynecologist will see you now.

For decades, American men have gone without getting their paps smeared and their oil changed at the gynecologist–all because of sexist rules that said these doctors could only treat women. Those dark days are over, men. The American Board of Obstetrics and Gynecology has loosened up its old rules, allowing gynecologists, regardless of sex, to treat men.

Finally, the Guys will know once and for all if we have ovarian cancer.