Take it from Snee: Quit your job

Before I get started, I just want to wish everyone a happy National Grammar Day! If you are inclined to comment on the following article, please observe this holiest of days in the comments section by posting a coherent response. All failures to do so will be ridiculed to the point of suicide.

So I was waiting for a haircut when I witness this scene:

MAN walks into the shop.

MAN: Excuse me, when’s Shakira* working next?

HAIRCUTTER: I honestly have no idea. She hasn’t shown up for work that past two days.

MAN: Ah. OK.

*This name was changed to protect my failing memory.

I’d already heard of people quitting their jobs by just not showing up anymore. I always knew it said very little about that person’s intestinal fortitude, but that was their problem that they could ignore, hoping it goes away.

But, when I consider the problems our country faces these days, I couldn’t shake it off this time. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Quit your job

The Oval Office gets a square console

STOP THE PRESSES! STOP THE PRESSES! ZOMG, WE HAVE BREAKING NEWS!

In an article in the New York Times in which our soon-to-be President predicts a Florida win over Oklahoma in tonight’s BCS championship game, it is revealed that Barack Obama’s daughters received a shiny new Nintendo console when Santa Claus visited this year. And by Santa Claus, I mean the taxpayers.

“Mr. Obama said he’d have his hands full attempting to rescue the American economy. But he has gotten in a little practice in bowling lately on the Nintendo Wii his daughters received for Christmas. Mr. Obama, who famously struggled in bowling during last year’s Democratic primaries, said he performs better in the video game.”

That’s right people: the soon-to-be-President of the free world is a Nintendo fanboy. Prepare for Reggie Fils-Aime to become Secretary of Meat.

Take it from Snee: I’m thankful

Every year, Americans do what we do best: sit around a table to observe a once-meaningful holiday because we’d look funny if we didn’t.

Me: Hey, Ted from Accounting. Big four day weekend, eh?

Ted from Accounting: Yep, gonna eat turkey with the family and watch some football. You?

Me: Oh, I’m going to Aruba for the long weekend to collect orgasms.

TfA: Well, that makes too much sense. Freak.

Thanksgiving, like every other U.S.-observed holiday, has auspicious, yet bullsh-t, origins. But if you boil that bathwater past the paper headdresses, you find a story that doesn’t matter anymore today: a group of proto-Americans are starving to death, yet finally scrape up enough farming to survive … until winter starts in earnest.

They’re thankful for managing with what they’ve got to enjoy each others’ presence, which ironically helps spread the cholera.

We don’t have that problem anymore. Even if we catch childhood leukemia, we still get an awesome last wish. (That’s only because Leonard Nimoy can’t catch leukemia from his Make-A-Wish cancer kid.) And we don’t really enjoy each others’ company. If it weren’t for Thanksgiving, entire families would never see each other except to marry or bury someone.

And we definitely aren’t just scraping by. Outside of a certain percentage of poor people, the modern Thanksgiving is a modern festival of consumer distractions. The table is full of food that will go uneaten, and those who attempt to finish it off will slip into a gluttony coma on the leather sofa. This happens while everyone watches a parade full of cartoon characters selling toys, the latests must-see TV stars and the pirate of plastic productions, Santa himself. Then there’s football, which features players goosed up on the latest pharmaceuticals beating Vegas odds so the owner can sell more ball caps to guys trying to find cool new ways to cover up bald spots.

Even the idea of a feast in today’s America is ridiculous. The idea of a feast is to celebrate having plenty when you normally have little. Seen those obesity numbers lately?

So, with all that in mind, here’s my list of the things that I am thankful for this year: Continue reading Take it from Snee: I’m thankful

Take it from Snee: Who’s Number Two?

Thank god this election is almost over. The two halves of this country get so collectively stupid that I’ve started to feel like I’m at a rock show: getting pushed around by moshers while security swings their Mag-Lights at them through me.

I’m ready for news cycles filled with the usual inanity of missing white girls and celebrity infidelity, as opposed to the latest political talking points, like “Joe the Plumber” and, of course, “America’s #1.”

What does it mean, really, when some moron says that America’s the greatest and bestest country, numero uno amongst the other entire 192 principalities people call home? Continue reading Take it from Snee: Who’s Number Two?

Crumpets, get your crumpets here!

Baseball is really only played in the U.S.–and Japan–and Cuba–and the Dominican Republic–and OK, anyway, it’s an American sport. It’s the national pastime, and it’s the most watched sport in the country aside from football. But it looks as if the limeys are trying to steal home.

Yes, England is trying to steal the title of country of origin of baseball. Oh yeah? Then why do they play OUR national anthem at the beginning of games?

A journal from 1755 has a brief mention of the game being played in the South of England. Some friends got together on Easter Monday (better known as the day the rest of the world works) and played “base ball.” The alleged game was between the old rivals the Gov’nahs and the Redcoats.

Nice try, England. Next you’re going to try to tell us that apple pie was brought over by Hessian troops you hired to fight us in the Revolution. We are as American as cricket and apple strudel.

Take it from Snee: Speak English or go home (LPGA edition)!

The LPGA has just passed a rule that will require all lady golfers to pass an oral (heh) English exam next year. Any two-year members who can’t pass the test in 2009 will face an immediate suspension. This new rule will affect a possible 121 foreign golfers on the tour, especially 45 South Koreans with translators.

As an English-writing blogger and avid viewer of the LPGA, I say GOOD. It’s about time!

I mean, sure: I normally watch ladies’ golf like I watch Rachel Ray: on mute with soft lighting and an oven mitt. While I may not hear them speak dirty, indescribable things to me, I need to know that they could if I ever met them in real life. That means speaking English-lusty, filthy English.

And English is what? American. It’s as American as pizza and bratwurst. It’s been spoken by Americans like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Lee and Jean-Claude Van Damme since they were first born in small Midwestern towns. Go to any library, and you’ll find the great founding works of our country-the Bible, Montesquieu, the ancient Greeks-all written in one language: English, motherf–ker.

And that’s why I say, good for you, LPGA. I’ve been through what you’re going through … Continue reading Take it from Snee: Speak English or go home (LPGA edition)!

America, F-Yeah!

Of course, in this case, the “F” stands for “fat.” I mean, China has definitely enjoyed a new sense of consumer business … possibly nearly too much in the waste line.

Fear not loyal Americans, this means nothing. China may be getting a bit too big for their britches, but America still takes the cake … along with the ham hocks, buttered sausages, ice cream cones and fried chicken.

China is now the fattest country in the world, second only to the United States.

We’re still number one…

USA, USA, USA!!!!!!

R-O-C-K IN THE U-S-A!

Generalization: just one of our many services

It’s time to play our country’s favorite game … How Does One Guy Represent All Black Americans?!

Today’s question is a tough one, so pay close attention:

If Barack Obama is elected President, would this mean that all black people …

a) … are equal to whites now?

b) … will get better jobs?

c) … who aren’t Barack Obama will not be President?

Send your responses to race-baiting@slownews.com.

Take it from Snee: Lightning Round

Alright, everyone here? OK, good.

Look, I don’t have a lot of time today, so I’m not gonna type up a bunch of crap about why I’m right. I’m just gonna cut to the chase and tell you why you’re wrong.

What follows are pieces of conventional “wisdom” (I’m using the term very lightly) and what’s wrong with these turd nuggets. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Lightning Round

South and South: The nonalcoholic drums of war

In our continuing coverage of the border dispute between Tennesse and Georgia, emotions are running high. Not only does Georgia want Tennessee’s water, but they also want to turn at least one Tennessee town dry.

Citizens of Copperhill, Tenn. share half of their city with McCaysville, Ga. The Tennesse half serves alcohol; the Georgia side hates America. If Georgia lawmakers get their way and move the Georgia border north one mile, Copperhill will become part of McCaysville’s dry county.

This latest development means the war is no longer about resources, but a way of life. It will surely come to violence now:

“Even 14-year-old Michelle Martinez, walking home from school in Copperhill, grimaced at the suggestion of suddenly living in another state.

“‘If I wanted to live in Georgia I’d [invade] down there,’ she said[, shaking her grandpappy’s rifle in the direction of those teetotalling so’s-and-so’s].”