Only Americans are killed with guns

After last week’s shooting spree at the American Civic Association, an immigrant education center, in Birmingham, New York, Sen. Charles Schumer has proposed a bill to posthumously award citizenship to those who were killed before becoming United Statesians.

Since the U.S. has the highest gun death rate above the other 20 richest nations, it does seem a purely American act to die in a random shooting spree. Let’s bury them each with a Big Mac and call it American tragedy.

Gunmen have keen sense of smell

Smokey, the Gun Safety BearWhen a friend of SeriouslyGuys, Bobby Finstock, wrote about taking this morning’s depressing news and feeding it through an internal spin doctor, we were surprised to discover just how grim all of today’s news really is.

We wake up much later than Bobby — whose early mornings indicate he may be a bad Mennonite for using the Internet — so we were surprised to find the news had not improved by the crack of 2:30 pm. Fortunately, we found a terrible story with a silver lining.

13 people, many recent immigrants, were killed in a shooting spree at the American Civic Association in Birmingham, New York on Friday. Horrible, right?

The first casualty, Secretary Shirley DeLuccia, survived her gut shot by playing dead.

So, if you’re ever confronted by a gunman in the wild, play dead. Gunmen only shoot live prey and will move on to their next meal, which can be found in the dumpster behind the ranger station. Also, never position yourself between a gunman and its cubs.