‘José, can you see those five guys over there?’

Every now and then, an otherwise meaningless story achieves national significance because it contains the right combination of clickable elements. And that’s when The Guys document it in our ever-growing tableau of Profiles of Sadness.

Five Live Oak High School (Morgan Hill, Calif.) students were sent home on May 5 for their choice in clothing. They were all sitting together at lunch when approached by the vice principal. Two were wearing American flag bandannas, and the rest American flag t-shirts.

Yes, all five members of the group–at that lunch table–just happened to wear American paraphernalia, including ‘do-rags, on Cinco de Mayo. (So, either this was a calculated attempt for attention on the traditionally Mexican day, or they’re always dressed as the NASCARiest rednecks west of the Rockies.)

Still, administrators asked them to leave because they were afraid that their t-shirts would antagonize Mexican-American students, causing a race riot within their own walls.

And just to make sure that threat seemed real enough, the reporter found a stupid student believing that the day belongs solely to Mexicans:

“‘I think they should apologize cause it is a Mexican Heritage Day,’ Annicia Nunez, a Live Oak High student, said. ‘We don’t deserve to be get disrespected like that. We wouldn’t do that on Fourth of July.'”

So, for those keeping score at home, we’ve got:

  • The violation of five students’ free speech rights for clothing that doesn’t violate dress code policy (except maybe the hats part).
  • The intentional expression of unpopular speech without regard for any possible consequences, and then complaints when said consequences were realized.
  • The intentional selection of a poor interview subject who does not believe American independence applies to her entire ethnicity, yet a holiday sponsored by Corona does apply to her entire school.
  • The subsequent celebration of five a$$holes because of the way this was handled.

Only in America, folks. This could only happen in America.

These colors don’t run up a tree

We all think of squirrels as enemies, but mostly because they try to make us crash our cars. It’s human instinct to swerve when you see something dart into the road in front of you. Squirrels know this, and they prey upon us.

But one Michigan squirrel has taken things to a new level. He lives at a graveyard and steals American flags left at the graves of our heroes then makes a nest out of them. The grave robbing part is bad enough, but stealing the most sacred symbol of of our country, dragging it along the ground and making a home out of it is too much to bare.

Looks like it’s nest burnin’ time!