Competition and juice

It would seem that Snoop Dogg is mulling about the idea of having his own American Idol competition for rap. Which is a nice idea. I mean, if there can be five million different (sort of) versions of American Idol floating out on television, not to mention a country music version, then why not one for the hippity and the hoppities?

Except that’s not really the big news that people should care about.

No, the big news may have simply been a throwaway idea. Snoop would also like to open up a supermarket chain and call them “Snoopermarkets.” I don’t know about you, but I would drop everything to shop at the Snoopermarket. I mean, it’s not like rap icons getting involved with food stuffs have ever had any less than profitable runs, right? Oh.

It’s gonna be HUGE!

In a story that’s probably just trying to divert attention from the drama surrounding his racy performance, American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert used to be a huge, raging … uh … boy. Lambert told CNN that back in high-school he used to be in the upwards of 250 pounds.

What Lambert didn’t tell CNN is that he probably still ways 250 pounds of makeup and eye-liner. Because you know, that’s how you obviously get all thhe dudes that look like chicks.

Get ready for your ‘Webmaster’ to block this site

Do you have any idea how many hacks we had to write into SG to make it readable in IE6?

If you’re reading this at work, then chances are pretty good that it’s through Microsoft Internet Explorer 6, isn’t it? We’re sure you don’t want to, that you use Firefox or Opera at home, but your company just won’t upgrade to IE 8 because of “security reasons.”

Oh, yeah. IE’s up to version 8. Remember how your IT department said not to upgrade to 7, yet? Anyone in sales knows that “yet” generally means never, especially when their barely functioning intranet (look for the .asp) was hastily put together back in 2001 and won’t work on more streamlined browsers.

Well, it appears that the Internet hears your cries and is rebelling with a netroots “IE 6 No More” campaign.

Either they’ll win and your office will finally upgrade, or you’ll eventually be unable to browse any Web site written before the first season of American Idol. (We’ll always have the hamster dance.)

You Missed It: Has it been eight years already? edition

Much of the U.S. is in a cold snap right now, with wind chills dipping across the continent to less than 0 degrees Fahrenheit. This has taken the country completely off guard because it’s winter time, which means temperatures in the 30s followed by days in the 60s. Remember though, global warming is a myth those hippies are selling. Don’t buy it. If you were taking an unexpected dip in the Hudson River this week, odds are you missed it.

No more Bush
President George Bush (who somehow dropped the W. in news references in late 2001) gave his last press briefing this week, one in which he outlined his presidency, and for the first time in the White House (though he has admitted to it many times in press interviews the past few months) that he regrets the “Mission Accomplished” sign. That was one of the big ones. OK, we get that one, but there were a few other biguns in there. If only I could remember two dozen or so.

The application Steve Jobs has unexpectedly quit
Citing health reasons, Apple CEO Steve Jobs said he would temporarily step down from his position. Jobs is credited with growing the company to roughly four or five times the size it was in the first part of the decade. He credits the success to hard work, innovation and an unending ad campaign conditioning the masses to pay exorbitant amounts of cash for something cool. Jobs claims health problems as his reason to step down, but really it’s just that he wants to use a computer that actually closes a program when you “X out” of it.

Did it just get warmer in here?
In FOX’s long, long battle on our eardrums, the latest season of American Idol debuted this week. The opening episodes are usually fun because you can watch the people who really, really suck act like they don’t know it already and are just trying to get themselves on television so they can promote their Web site. But one surprise contestant sang and stripped. Casey Carlson apparently can not only sing a few bars, she can also model bikinis with the best of them. She showed off both talents during his audition. Randy was the only one who cared.

Seacrest, ouch

It looks as though as the shark population struggles against the crushing weight of our inevitable victory, the beasts get more and more desperate. They are so desperate now that they are trying to buy us off by going after humans we don’t like.

Recently, Ryan Seacrest said he was the victim of a recent shark attack while he was on vacation. According to the American Idol host, a small shark swam up, bit him and swam off. The attack was so bad, he said, that he needed to take a few Advil that night. Likely he has also undergone counseling.

It is clearly an act of desperation, and The Guys will never bow to such attempts of bribery, especially ones that are not successful. However, if the sharks, and the animal population as a whole, still think we could be swayed, we could live in a world without:

  • Jon Bon Jovi
  • Tia Tequila
  • Celine Dion
  • Carson Daly

Schadenfreude: Feel better about your broken dreams

It’s Monday!  Yay!  What better way is there to follow-up a lazy weekend than to go to your dream job and embark on another week of meaningful employment?

What’s that?  You hate your job?  You didn’t want to be an analyst, but a rock star?  Well, things didn’t work out for you, unlike American Idol winners.  Don’t you hate how they don’t even need a band, much less a garage and lousy drummer, to become famous?

You know what will make it better?  Starting your week with a savory cup of Schadenfreude.

Her successor hasn’t even been named yet, but Jordin Sparks may never sing again, thanks to “an accute vocal chord hemmorage.”  Jordans around the world are rejoicing, as is the alcoholic/caffeinated beverage that unwittingly shares her last name.

Mm, Schadenfreude: it may be shameful, but it’s still joy.